Last week, I spoke to my doctor about everything surrounding our current miscarriage situation. She was nothing but supportive and caring. She reminded me that, while my baby had passed away in my body, it was still important that I not neglect myself. She reiterated that I need to keep myself healthy, even when I feel miserable. Its SO easy to just soak in my own misery, but that doesn’t help anyone. Not my family, or myself. Dr. Guselle gently offered to send a prescription for something to help me sleep. I thanked her, but said I was not above taking a gravol or something to help me feel a bit more drowsy. She okayed that, and said again, its very important that I sleep. And I agreed.

As timing tends to happen, when all of this was going down, I came down with a nasty cold. So considering there was no longer a living being inside my body, I decided to take NyQuil overnight, to help with my cold, my body pains, and inevitably, my sleep. I’ve been taking it since that day, and I’ve been sleeping pretty well, considering both the meds and the general emotional/physical exhaustion aspect.

Yesterday, I pushed myself and went to the Kids Club kick-off night. Brady and I were both feeling pretty drained, and we knew kids were definitely allowed to just be dropped off. However, Laela declined fast in the evening, and wasn’t able to go. And we knew Dekker didn’t want to go completely alone if he didn’t have to. Yesterday was also a day where Brady hit a wall. He is strong for me 100% of the time he can be, but as we all know, everyone eventually hits that wall. And yesterday evening, Brady hit it hard. So I ended up going. I was a complete mess, with lumpy hair that had been in the same ponytail for five days, in the shirt and hoodie I had worn for the last five days, with very little energy or enthusiasm. Thank goodness, Dekker was happy to have me there, and we moved slowly from game to game, and snuggled together when we were all sitting and listening. It was nice, but it was a stretch.

I came home completely wiped out. I hadn’t exerted myself, but I was just shot. Completely. Brady had run me a bath, so I soaked for a long time, and dozed off a little bit while we watched a show. We called it quits around 11:30 maybe. I was so tired, I didn’t take any medication.

And I was up. All. Night.

No word of a lie. Not a wink. First I was kind of hot, and then I just couldn’t find a comfy position. I tried to lay still and prayed for sleep. I closed my eyes and listened to the fan. I intentionally didn’t watch a clock or play on my phone or anything of the sort. My mom always told me that would make it worse, and she was right. So I dutifully lay in bed, rolling over and over, trying to get there. I held out for way longer than usual, it felt. I finally gave in and checked my phone for the time, thinking I would maybe go find a gravol or something to get at least some sleep. But it was too late. It was 4:30am.

I spent the next 2.5 hours wrapped in my own special form of anxiety. I picked fights with people in my head. I panicked about things I’m falling behind on. I went over and over some of the injustices of the last few weeks and wished I could change the past. So basically, I just stressed myself out for nothing. Even in my anxiety, I reminded myself that my anxiety is always worse when I’m overtired, which I obviously was. I knew I’d feel better after literally any sleep.

But sleep did not come. My eyes were open, staring at the ceiling, when my alarm went off. True story, today might be really interesting. But its just me and the two littlest ones until Rowan gets home from preschool. Then lunch (which was brought to us yesterday by a loving friend) and nap time, which I hope very much to partake in today.

Cold or not, you better believe I’m going to be taking some kind of gentle sleep aid tonight. Will not be doing that again.

As many of you learned yesterday, its been a pretty difficult time for our family recently. Thank you, friends, for your love and care. Your support means to much to me. It makes this all a a little bit less lonely. So thank you for that, friends. 

Unfortunately, in the midst of our sorrow and struggle and frustration, Laela’s sixth birthday crept up on us out of nowhere. Monday was the day of her birthday, and we had made no plans. None. Zero. And I felt like an utter failure. Because she has been counting down the days, and she was so excited, and speculating about what she wanted to do. None of her ideas were unreasonable, but they felt WAY too big when we were going though everything. We knew we had some time, so we let it sit on the back burner, until it was too late. That. Sucked. 

In the morning before school, I asked her what she would choose for her birthday supper. Praise the Lord for her not being wounded or questioning the fact that it was last minute. And Also, praise the Lord for a little girl who is easy to please. She asked for macaroni with wieners, and some cold veggies on the side. “And a cake,” she said. That was all she wanted, and it was so simple. 

I ended up having company during the day, which was actually a huge relief to my aching heart. I did not, however, end up making a cake. So I felt like an even bigger failure. It was my ONE job. Ugh. 

Brady left work to come home around 4:00. I asked him to grab some kind of dessert on his way home, and he was more than willing. He asked where to go, and what I wanted to get for her. I buckled and I asked Laela. Did she want cookies? Cupcakes? Ice cream cake? Regular cake? What color of icing? All the options. She thought about it seriously for a minute, before Dekker offered a suggestion. 

“Did you want the kind I had for my birthday?” he asked. “Tuxedo cake?”

YES! That was it. 

So Brady hit Costco while the kids did homework, put their stuff away, and talked about having Laela’s birthday on a school day. It was a very normal day, and I felt SO crappy about it. 

Thank goodness, our children are beautiful, gracious individuals. Laela was SO excited for her macaroni and wieners for supper, and there was not a single inquiry about where her party was. No decorations or even a gift to present her with. 

I’m SO thankful for our amazing friends across the street! I texted them SO last minute to invite them for birthday cake, and they came right over. They made the party feel like a party!!! Laela had guests, and she was SO happy. We all sang for her and ate big pieces of chocolate tuxedo cake. She blew out her candles and then whispered to me that she wished for more babies. 💔

We visited a little at the table while the kids ran wild through the house. It was very quickly the kids bedtime, and our party guests headed home. The rest of us extended the evening just a little bit, and enjoyed a dance party to some music videos of Laela’s choosing. 

There was nothing but gratefulness from our birthday girl. I was the one who felt unhappy and like the ball had been dropped. For now, it seems this will just have to do. 

Laela, I hope you feel how deeply your family and friends love you!! 

In order to give Brady and I an extra-quiet quiet time, Cher took a study break on Saturday and invited the big kids out to play during nap time.

Thank you, Cher, for wanting to hang with my kids ❤️

They made their way to the playground and played hard for a nice stretch of time. It was blustery out, but everyone was pretty bundled so they did ok.

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Not too long after that, they meandered their way to the restaurant for hot chocolate, because apparently it was a little cool out there.

The walk there produced some of the BEST pictures, in my opinion.

Eventually they arrived for some drinks and fries.

They enjoyed their date, I like to believe they were grateful and used their manners, and then they wandered back towards the playground…

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And eventually home.

We’ve had a couple of nice, quieter moments in the house recently, and our kids have been well loved on. I’m SO thankful for our thoughtful, loving village. We are so undeserving, but so fortunate. I won’t try to talk my way out of it. I’ll just be grateful.

** Thank you, Cher, for all the beautiful photos. They are SUCH a gift to our family.

I thought it would be important to have on record a few more milestones we’ve hit with Wavy 🙂 As I’ve been watching her in the last week or so, I’m just awestruck by how much she knows and hoe well she fits in our family. 

First of all, and clearly SO notable, lol, Wavy has chunked up in just the last week. All of a sudden, she’s like a stuffed sausage in her little tshirts, with her belly hanging out the bottom. Its as though her belly button is deeper. Its hilarious. She’s such a little tank. 

Speaking of her belly button, she knows where it is. If she’s in the mood, and you ask her where her belly button is, she lifts up her shirt and pokes it. She’s really catching on to basic commands. She’ll happily come when you call her. She’ll run to the window to wave when someone leaves, and wait at the baby gate when you tell her someone’s arrived. She knows what her mouth is, and is more trustworthy not to eat books anymore. She knows what her socks are, and tends to remember where she hid them when we ask. She knows her siblings names. She knows the basics of what she’s not supposed to have, and if she gets a hold of something she shouldn’t have (paper books, phones, hairballs, lol) she’ll usually bring them to somebody, as though to say “I probably shouldn’t have this.” She’s SO sweet. 

She has taken very well to being read to, and will often waddle her way over to me, waving a book. When I take it from her, she giggles madly and flaps/reaches for me. She LOVES to be read to! BUT, weird side note. She hates Clifford. Like hates him. Lol! So, take note. 

She is changing so quickly, and is in full toddler mode. Man alive, I love her so much. I love them all, but these beginning milestones just thrill my heart.

On a day where my heart is heavy and the temperature outside is cold, I spent a beautiful day in my warm house with my closest friends. I am SO fortunate.

Brady went to work early, and the kids and I took our time getting the day started. Jerilee came with coffee, and we visited while the kids played nicely together for the morning. Except Waverly.

She wasn’t feeling very well, and was a bit of an emotional wreck. She would come for a snuggle, but the moment she wanted to be done, she’s struggle and fuss. I’d set her back down, she’d take two steps, and immediately disintegrate again. It cycled all morning, which was pretty exhausting. She rallied right around 11:00 out of nowhere, so she got some happy playtime in before we packed it in around 11:45 for lunch. Everyone ate lunch pretty well, and Wavy giggled the whole way to her nap.

Jerilee left shortly after naptime started, and Cher took a study break and joined me for a couple of hours in the afternoon. We visited quietly while Dekker and Laela assembled a lego set together. It was so nice to see them play and work together with minimal arguing. We had a nice, quiet afternoon together.

Brady finished his house much quicker than we had anticipated, and made it home around 3:30, just as the nappers were waking up. It just all timed out so nicely.

The evening will just be the seven of us, and leftover tacos are on the menu. I love taco night that I always make a couple batch and then just eat the leftovers consistently until they’re gone. Anyone else??

We had a rare friendship moment between Dekker and Laela after school today. It was simple, but worth remembering.

Dekker and Laela occasionally want to wrestle each other, and it never ever ends good. Its one of those things where I warn them its going to end in either blood or tears, and I’m not going too feel so bad if someone is upset about it at the end. But they insist, so I leave them to it. Today, that was a good choice.

It went from wrestling onto a chair to one trying to sit on the others lap while the one tried to prevent it. From there, it became one lying across another. And then I heard Laela chirp “You be a desk!”

So, Dekker dutifully became a desk.

And they LOVED it. Laela read on his belly, which was the whole joke to begin with, but eventually the “desk” flipped the book up and clocked her in the chin. She handled it tho.

The game grew. Laela pulled a “mom” thing and started teasing Dekker.

“Oh! Whats under here?” she’d ask, and lift up his shirt and poke his belly button. He could not handle it, he laughed SO hard. She walked her fingers up his arm and tickled his neck, and he just screeched. He flopped around and eventually fell off of her.

It was all fun and games until Laela was to be the desk. There was an abrupt ending, but no one was upset. It was a good moment. I’m glad I got to see it.

We have a new hurdle on our hands. Waverly, however, does not feel its a hurdle. Its now a game. And she LOVES it.

So Wavy mastered stairs a good while back now. Not going back down the stairs, but she’s fabulous at going up them! We try and teach her how to back down them, but she screams and just wants to keep motoring forward. There have been a few times I’ve noticed her a few stairs up, and before I can reach her, she’s backed down them. She’s done good so far, but I don’t trust her 100% yet, obviously. So most days, we drag our toy ottoman in front of the stairs to block her from them. I know, she needs to learn. But she would NOT leave them alone, and we were just constantly carrying her back down while she waaailed. Over and over and over again. Wasn’t a teaching moment in any way.

So as you might expect, Waverly decided to learn to get over the ottoman. And myyy goodness, she was SO proud of herself.

It didn’t even take effort. Just swung a leg on up and she was over.

Since her new skill was discovered, she still tests out the stairs from time to time, but her gaze has shifted. She cares less about stairs and cares much more about climbing!

*sigh* Ya, thats the top of the piano.

So we’re going grey over here. We’ve never had a climber before. My kids are always pretty relaxed about getting places, but Waverly is just ready to be in it all.

Today, she got up on the little black recliner. She was pleased as punch!

She cracked open the book she had brought and “read” it for a second before slamming it down on the floor beyond the chair.

“Uh oh,” she said. “I dopped.” Ya you did, girly.

She leaned WAY forward to try and reach it, and almost went down before I caught her. I tried to turn her around and show her how to get down but that fiercely independent baby would have none of it. She was ANGRY at me, like I had stolen her right of passage of a forehead goose egg or something. I’m sure she’ll have her chance eventually, lol!

I’ve been realizing recently that, when we moved into this house, we had two “big” kids, Rowan was juuust learning to walk, and Solomon was brand new. We now have five completely mobile children in the same amount of space, and its tiiiiime for more space! GAH! Our only big holdup for the basement is carpet. Carpet would make it all liveable, and we could pick at the finishing over winter and finish it up. Do flooring stores ever have promos?! I’m antsy!

If you live where I live, or in any surrounding town, you know what I mean. Power cut out around noonish kind of out of nowhere. Its windy outside, but not miserable, and not stormy. We figured it was a little flicker, which happens a bit too often for my taste but not even close to as often as when we lived in Radisson! But it didn’t come back on. As tends to happen, someone mentioned it on Facebook and we quickly confirmed that it was in all parts of town, and it had not been announced as a planned outage. 

SaskPower clued in maybe 15 minutes later and announced their crews were en route to see what was going on. It was determined there was a “burnt structure” that caused the problem. The estimated time of repair is 6:00pm. Guys. Thats late. 

We some plans today, but everything was shot in the foot that very moment. No family pictures for us today, thats for sure! Brady and I managed to scratch together a lunch from our pantry and the fruit that lives on our counter. We managed, but it wasn’t great. I ate party mix, some tomato slices, and a couple of cookies for lunch. It was something, anyway. Better than some other days honestly. 

While the kids napped, Brady and I pulled out Skip-Bo. I don’t know what it is about a power outage but it always puts us in the mood for a card game. Nighttime power outages, too. I feel so unsettled falling asleep if the power is still out, so we usually stay up late into the night and play tile rummy by candle light. Its fun 🙂 Today was fun too. 

Supper will be interesting. But also maybe awesome. I think we’re going to have peanut butter and honey sandwiches. Which I know isn’t great, but with such a long power outage, I’m hesitant to open my fridges or freezers and risk our food spoiling. No way no how. We’ll work with what we’ve got. We have apples, bananas, and fresh garden tomatoes available on the counter, and a whole pantry filled with food, much of which is packaged convenience food. Again, not great, but not starvation either. I’m grateful for our options. 

But I do admit, I’ll probably skip supper so I can eat real food later! There are some delicious leftovers in the fridge calling my name…