I’m feeling a little bit better. A handful of days ago, I felt very out of body. I wrote a super short post about it, partly because I was worried I’d just sound dramatic, and partly because I couldn’t think straight enough to actually verbalize how I was feeling. Rather than people making me feel silly, I was loved and supported. Since then, I’ve made some calls, done some research, and pieced a few things together. Made some fresh decisions.

The day that carried some improvement was Wednesday. A few happy things happened that day.

I got a waxing appointment for the first time since May 😳 Ya. It had been that long. If you don’t know, I’ve been waxing my legs since I was 17, and my arms since about 20. I’m 32 now, so its something I’m pretty used to. Covid took a few things away from everyone, and it complicated those nonessential appointments for me. As crazy as it sounds, getting my legs and arms waxed made me feel SO good. It was so refreshing!! Unfortunately, my regular waxing girl was recently taken off work, and I was so looking forward to seeing her 💔But it was still a good appointment. I felt new!

After that, I Christmas shopped a bit with a friend! It was really, really nice to be out and about together. It happens so rarely, as a stay at home mom. There are times when I realize I haven’t left my house for days on end! So it was very refreshing to be in and out of stores, with goals, and productivity, but also just some fun with a friend! WIN!

Our last stop that evening was Value Village, and I managed to find myself a pair of jeans and a pair of sweats!! This is more victorious than you guys know. I should post about this all finally, but I know I’ll catch some grief for it. Aaaaanyway, I’m changing sizes, and have felt like a total slob for months, not having any clothes that fit. So buying new pants that don’t gape and sag is SUCH a win! I feel so much more put together. Still in need of some nice black leggings to replace the lulus that don’t fit anymore, but I’m on my way!

Wednesday felt like a success. I don’t know if it was the outing, or the adult conversation, or the pain inflicted on me in my wax (lol!) but I felt like I was back in my body somehow. Praise the Lord!!!

As a whole, I feel functional and a lot sharper in my brain again. Its not perfect. I’ll go to the pantry three times instead of once. I’ll go upstairs and forget what I needed. Stuff like that. But that is so much more doable that feeling numb, intolerant, impatient, rattled, and dumb.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to run some errands and get my hair done for the first time since FEBRUARY!!!!!

Its time, folks! I can’t wait!!

So. Funny story.

As I was driving to Wavy’s dermatologist appointment yesterday, Brady was already there. Once I was close to the office, we got on the phone and I figured he could talk me the rest of the way. I knew the general area, but since he was already there, I figured he could more seamlessly get me there. He spotted my bus as I got closer, and directed me.

He was a little late on telling me where to turn, and I missed the parking lot. Whoops! No big deal, though, I just circled the little clump of buildings and got to that side again. I turned into the parking lot finally, but didn’t know which office was the one I was going for. I drove past a couple of spots, further into the lot. Brady hesitated and said I’d be better off taking a spot over there, that the spots closer to him were pretty tight. It was already a bit too late, though, so I kept going forward.

He was right that the spots closer to the office were really small, but the parking lot seemed to continue behind the building. I figured I’d just loop it and get back to those original spots.

Aaaaand that was a bad choice.

The back of the building was tight already, and there were cars parked, staggered on each side, but only going one way. I can’t really describe it, but it was VERY confusing, VERY impossible to get around for any vehicle, and VERY against code! It was doable originally, but the last two cars were parked on either side of the “road” too close together. I was stuck. It was SOOO bad, and completely impossible. To make matters worse, the cars were all VERY nice cars. Thankfully, Brady was still on the phone, and volunteered to come rescue me. I took him up on it and said “please hurry.”

What is it about kids who grew up in the country that they can back out of anything?? Well, he can, and did. It got a little hairy with the ice and snow build up, but some patient little adjustments got things sorted out.

What a relief! I was so thankful he was there to help me because that was VERY stressful and VERY tight! They would be wise to throw a “no through traffic” sign up somewhere, because it definitely just looked like you could get out of the parking lot back there! Or everyone could park on one side, lol! Either way.

Aaaaall things considered, we got out and got parked. And then had to back out of our spot when a woman came out, all irritated that our van is big, and she figured she didn’t have enough space to get into her car. Whatever. Parking 🙄 For the birds.

Do you remember that bizarre rash that Waverly had this summer? Poor squishy, she was just so miserable 💔

And then her hair started falling out…

Aaaaand then she started eating it, so we shaved it.

*sigh* I can make light of a lot of things, but shaving and re-shaving her head a number of times hasn’t gotten funnier or easier. Its really hard for me, even though she’s such a champ.

I re-shaved her a couple of days ago when her dermatologists office called, asking for an appointment the very next day. I explained that her rash had disappeared and we had removed the issue of her hair pulled by shaving her head. The woman I spoke to insisted that the dermatologist would want to see her scalp and check her hair follicles for health. So, we went.

Brady was finished work by 1:00pm that day, and her appointment was at 1:30, so he met me at the office just in time! We knew ahead of time that we couldn’t both go into the appointment, but he’s a loving, supportive guy, and wanted to be available for us. Especially these days where I’m feeling less than myself, it was really nice to have him there.

Now, I believe kids aren’t expected to wear masks until age 3, but I figured we’d see how Wavy did. And I’ve got to say, I was SO impressed. She touched it a little bit, but wasn’t put off by it at all! She wore it better than a handful of adults in the waiting room.

When she and I were called back, she wanted to walk on her own, so she visited with the woman walking with us.

“I like your mask!”
“Thank you. Corgis! Puppies!”

Also…

“The doctor will touch my fuzzy head!”

As I suspected, all was well on the homefront of Waverly’s hair. In looking at the pictures, the dermatologist agreed that it looked like a viral rash he’s seen before, sometimes related to cold sores, but not always. The hair falling out was likely a result from the stress on her body. He agreed she has no bald patches or thinning areas. She looks in perfect health. Win!

Her appointment was likely somewhat unnecessary, but we went, and got through it, and Wavy got to actually leave the house for once. If nothing else, I was SO impressed with not only her social skills with the other adults, but the fact that she wore a mask so seamlessly. I understand not every child is mannered the way she is, but I felt encouraged. If she can wear a mask so smoothly, with so little complaint, so can I. I know we all have our stuff, and I’m not saying everyone can wear a mask. I know there are reasons, and I respect that! But in the case of discomfort or inconvenience, we all are able to exercise self discipline. I am SO proud of her 💜

Our kids were gifted some treats, and I want to have them on record as a really lovely gift ❤️

More time and effort than you would think went into these, and the kids wholeheartedly enjoyed them!! Wavy could only eat half in one sitting, as the cookie was basically as big as her head.

What an exciting, delicious, effective after school snack! Thank you, beautiful friends, who thought of our children and put the warm effort into them the way you did. They felt so special, and I felt honoured.

Aaaaand the cookies were super yummy, also…

I didn’t expect to actually get responses to yesterdays post. From the comments on Facebook to the private messages to the texts, I felt very cared for. I felt validated, and like I wasn’t just overreacting or making something up. Whatever is going on is very real.

I felt out of body for about a year and a half after Waverly was born. It was a really bad feeling that I struggled with. When I ended up on antidepressants for my pain earlier this year, as well as a vitamin regimen geared towards hormone health, it really smoothed out. And now, here I am, feeling vastly worse, even less like myself. Talking to some of you shed some light on why I might be feeling this way, and while I have no guaranteed solutions, I feel hopeful (albeit still foggy) this morning. So, to those of you who got in touch, I really, really appreciate you.

Rather than beating myself up and feeling super upset about where I’m currently lacking, I’m choosing to try to just be good to myself. None of it is in my head, and there needs to be healing and recovery, so its going to have to be intentional for a while. I really, really hope I’m back to me again soon.

Today, I got an hour to myself in the day time. I had a bubble bath and intended on watching something that I enjoy. It was strange. I couldn’t figure out what I enjoy for quite a while, but I settled on an episode of Obsession, and was solidly entertained while I soaked in the tub, drank lots of cold water, and ate an apple. It was really nice. I should take a bit of intentional time like that a bit more often, at least until this whole thing is behind me.

Another thing I have to do is making lists. I love lists, but I need to make more just little notes, so I don’t forget things. I really hate being forgetful, and I’m usually not. But these days, I can’t focus or keep track of anything. So, sticky notes. Lots of sticky notes.

Lastly, I’m asking for help! Thinking isn’t strong right now, and I am stuck on a couple of questions, unrelated to my struggle. So, please help me!!

Question one is about Christmas gifts. What is a practical gift for a two year old? We give each kid something they want, need, wear, and read. I had it all decided in advance but I need to change it a little and I’m stuck for a need for Wavy. Realistically, the kids have everything they need, so I just need a practical gift idea. Other kids are getting bedding, backpacks, etc.

Aaaaand question two I forget, which is fitting but true. So I guess I’ll just ask for help on the one this time!

Wish me luck for the days to come! Wednesday and Thursday are fuller days, and I don’t feel especially sharp. But I do feel hopeful that healing will come.

I’m not sure whats going on. Maybe its the full moon, or the recent lack of sleep, or my period, or the ever-changing covid restrictions, or a craft hangover, or satan, or whatever else, but I cannot shake my sanity back into my head. I don’t feel like me. I feel out of body. I can’t form full thoughts or sentences. I can’t speak properly. I feel very, very foggy.

I am her. She is me.

I don’t know what is going on or why, but I hope it stops soon.

I hope your brains are smoother than mine. 🙃

Yesterday, our band reunited to practice for an appropriately organized/socially distanced Christmas event. (Don’t come for me, its allowed, we checked deep into it.) While I still carry concerns it’ll all be cancelled last minute, we put some good time into it.

Once the kids were down for the night, Carrie came over and we settled into our garage for practice. We can’t always do it that way, because our garage isn’t finished, but it is insulated, and we had a heater going all day in it, and it wasn’t miserably cold out yesterday. So it worked well!

We ran over and over our six songs, amidst lots of conversation and catching up. Nothing is perfect, and they won’t be, but we had a lot of fun and the songs are turning out nicely 🙂 We’re hoping to be able to record them and put them on our band Facebook page, just in case anyone wants to listen.

I have really been missing our regular coffeehouse gigs. We are far from a big name band around here, but we were picking up a bit of speed and had a number of other gigs on the books when covid took them away. *shakes fist at covid* We’ll be back. It may in the form of YouTube for a while, but we will be back.

We started the Christmas tree this morning! We almost always break it into two days, sometimes consecutive and other times, weeks apart.

The first day – today – is the tree and lights! Its good to break it up this way for us for a handful of reasons. For one, putting the lights up on the tree was always a source of stress growing up. I won’t delve into all the details, but its something that I hold in the back of my mind as something that is going to take extra time and be stressful. That being said, it isn’t really stressful for us, and I’m happy for that 🙂 The other main reason we break it up is because its nice for the younger, more terrorizy kids to get used to it being up before we decorate it with all the sparkly things.

The kids were so excited to get the tree up in the living room. They did laps around it and watched Brady as he rounded the tree over and over again, to get the lights super nice! It didn’t need any sections redone. It was perfect the first time around!

I love having the tree up, but truthfully, the snuggles were the best part of it this time around.

The laughs were pretty good too.

It was such a soft, warm, cozy time. I hope they never think they’re too big to snug with me.

Part 2: Ornaments to come!!

I wish I had a better picture of Rowan’s clothes on backwards day, but what you saw yesterday is what you get. He got a huge kick out of wearing his jeans backwards. That was the ultimate win, hahaha!

Since the kindergarten classes are staggered, they don’t get all the same spirit days. Thy do great over there, and sometimes they make their own fun days, or just do them on different days. What a relief, because our kids love backwards day! So, Rowan had it yesterday, and Dekker and Laela have it today!

Dekker figured he was SO funny wearing his mask on the back of his head, lol! He was super disappointed that I wouldn’t let him take two to school.

I love Laela’s dirty knees, or knee pits, rather.

I think they’re cute ❤️ In earlier days, Dekker never wanted to participate in spirit days. I remember him crying, not wanting to dress up for school on Halloween in kindergarten, asking me to just choose a costume for him. Poor little anxiety-ridden Dekker 💔Its been an HONOUR to watch these beautiful people grow and develop and come into their own over the years. I hope we have sooooo many more years together! Thank you Lord!

This morning, ALL the school kids went to school!

The three older ones were super happy to walk to school together!

Can I also add in here that Rowan’s braid was probably the most perfect it has ever been??? Ack!

Good job, me!
Thanks, me!

Shortly thereafter, I was able to take Solomon to preschool! It had been SO long!! He came upstairs, dressed in real clothes, and told me “I look SO wild!!”

Lol! Doesn’t he? 😉 SO wild in his jeans, white shirt, and grey hoodie?

Bring on the time with only one kid at home!

Thank you Cher for always taking pictures 💜 Its a bigger gift than you know.

Nap time! Egg salad wraps, Netflix, and some studying/crocheting with Cher! I hope your afternoon is as nice as mine is going to be!