Nine? 😬 I don’t even know. I think its nine, so I’m going with it.

Here’s the thing. I skipped Melatonin Monday last week and I don’t have big updates this week either. This isn’t because Rowan has been cast to the side. Its because his behaviour and struggles have changed greatly due to the situation of our family dynamic.

What I can tell you is that Rowan has good days and bad days. Its a hard thing to judge. His bad days seem BAD, but I don’t know if they’re worse than usual, or if I just have a lower tolerance. I’m not sure. We still always close the night off warm and soft and loving, in prayer together.

That being said, Rowan sleepwalks regularly, and while I know he’s safe and cared for, to me it indicates that he is still struggling, even subconsciously.

Last night, for the first time, Rowan walked in his sleep twice. The first time, he knocked on the door, but then didn’t answer when I called to him. He was sitting on the landing by my room, and couldn’t really articulate anything. I started to slowly get him back to his room, and he tripped on the stairs and got really scared. I was holding onto him, so he was safe, but he was scared. I don’t think he woke up, though. I got him back into bed no problem.

Later on, less than five minutes after the lights were out for the night, he knocked again. He was standing all crooked outside the door, whimpering that his legs hurt, and were numb, and that he couldn’t walk. It doesn’t take a genius to read that as exactly what it is. Poor, anxious Rowan. As usual, he was easy to take back to bed, I prayed for him, and he stayed put for the rest of the night.

We will continue working for Rowan’s health and wellness, but if I skip a week here or there, its not because I’m too busy to care about him. Its just hard to know whats what right now.

Thank you for your continued overwhelming support.

Today is my first day completely apart from Brady. There are details to work out this week, and the uncertainty is hard. At Royal University Hospital, I could visit Brady every day. He was only allowed one visitor, one visit, every day, but it was still every day. At City Hospital, in the rehabilitation program, they are only allowed one visitor twice a week. Its a little bit shattering. So after being together Friday and Saturday, we opted to not see each other today. Or tomorrow. Ugh. However, tomorrow Brady will meet our social worker (I guess everyone in this program gets one) and he can advocate for more time together, which he absolutely plans on doing. After that, we’ll have a better idea of how our weeks might look. 

I had a pretty crumbly evening yesterday. I cried a lot. I was SO beat. I followed the evening up with a subpar sleep and was in no shape to do the day when the time came. Cher lovingly got the kids breakfast and played with them so I could rest extra long in bed, and even brought me some coffee and food. I got to FaceTime with Brady, and some kids popped up a couple of times to say hi to daddy. Hamilton played over the Echo and the kids had good attitudes. 

My mom arrived shortly before lunch, with strawberries in hand. She cut them up and we had a delicious lunch of leftover chicken noodle soup and fresh buns alongside. Meanwhile, as the kids ate, two more meals walked through my front door. 

As lunch wrapped up, kids were put down for naps. Poor Wavy is struggling a little extra with the lack of normal, and we had a GOOD slumpy dead weight kind of snuggle before her nap. I feel so disconnected in some ways, but I’m trying to help the kids still have some continuity. Its a real challenge. 

As the younger ones were tucked in, a bath was run for me, bubbles poured, candles lit, and the big kids are now on a walk so I can fully rest. 

And rest I will do. Excuse me, please. My bath is waiting. 

Must. Cope. 

Thank you for giving me grace on yesterday’s lacking blog. A good cry is both cleansing and exhausting. I’m still completely beside myself from yesterdays exhaustion, with some fresh added on top.

But, let’s begin.

Yesterday was actually a good day. I was able to spend an hour with Brady, just hanging out, before I was able to attend his first physical therapy session with him at City Hospital. It was very interesting to see a full hour assessment, what he could do, what he couldn’t quite do, and what where they wanted to start. Lots and lots of mobility and sensitivity tests. It was interesting for all of us to see Brady tryyy to make things happen, and while they wouldn’t all be successful, it was clear a lot of the right muscles were waking up. They anticipated only real tests, maybe some sits or stands, but ended up in the gym, on exercise machines, walking between the parallel bars again. I’d have taken video but I was there too, closely following behind with his chair, just in case. Brady was able to do a few controlled squats even before sitting down fully in his chair. HUGE success. He was red and sweaty and happy. One of the therapists kept asking him if he’d had enough, and I could see the twinkle in her eye when she said she didn’t think he would tell her. She might be right.

Thankfully, the day ended with Brady having some good sore happily worked muscles, and I’m happy to report he isn’t sore today at all! So he didn’t even overdo it! Woot!

At the end of the afternoon, I learned that someone had graciously purchased us a month long parking pass. That saves me a LOT of dollars! Thank you, friend.

I came home, ate good food with my family, dropped off by a friend who took my laundry along with her, and then I proceeded to have a big ugly gigantic cry in my bathtub. A hard end to a hard day in a series of the hardest days of our lives.

***

Today, being a weekend, is a day without any therapies for Brady. We snuggled up on his bed together and snuggled, chatted about the days before and the days to come. We looked at pictures and talked about things he might need while he staying at the hospital. After about an hour, we took him out of the ward in search of vending machines and the basement cafe. Not because anyone needed anything, but just to know what his options are in terms of outings and treats, if the ones I bring him run out. It was fun to go on an adventure together, as small as it may have been.

I sat with him while he had his lunch, and then said goodbye. And then bawled all the way home. Because, routine, lol!

The times are hard, but the days themselves are good. Adrenaline pumps and pumps, and I bawl when I get home. I am SO grateful that Brady is so comfy and settled where he is. I just wish he were home with us.

Friends, I have hit a wall. I’m sorry to say, you will have to hear all about today tomorrow.

It was a good day. I have very little bad to say about it. Except the whole reality of everything that is happening. Today we were fed delicious food, our laundry was done by a friend, we were gifted a parking pass at the hospital, I came back in contact with someone I really care about from a couple of years ago, and we even hit some cool milestones with the kids. It was all around a good day.

However.

My mental, emotional, and physical energy is tapped out. I just had a BIG cry in my bathtub, panicked a little, and now I’m taking my overheated body to bed for the rest of the evening.

I’m sorry there are no amazing updates today. I will share so much more tomorrow. I promise.

This morning was very hard. Somewhat needlessly. But hard nonetheless. There is good and bad. I’ll tell you about it.

Yesterday, I scheduled to come visit Brady at 10:30. It was a very intentional plan because he had physical therapy at 10:45, and then I usually kicked around while he ate lunch. In the afternoon, he would be moved to City Hospital. Boom. Day planned! With some room for change, obviously, because we always have to leave room for that.

Around 9:30am, I was getting my stuff together to head to the hospital, giving myself lots of time to get hopelessly lost in the parkade again, when I missed a call from the hospital. I tried to call back but it wouldn’t go through. And then a voicemail popped up. It was very garbled and cut in and out, but my ears through they heard “transfer at 10:30.” So I panicked, and completely bailed. I got into the car and threw my phone in the cupholder, speaker up. I called Brady and we both kind of panicked. He let me know shortly after that it was in fact confirmed. The nurse said to him that had been the plan all along. Which was just maddening, because I had discussed this day WITH the nurses on the ward. It clearly was not in the plan all along.

I told Brady I would do my best to get there as fast as I could so I could at least walk down with them. And he told me they had specifically said no to that request. They insisted it would be best if I waited and met them at the old entrance and just said goodbye when they left with him. He pressed and asked why, but he couldn’t get more than “it’ll be best.”

Of course, I couldn’t get parking at the old entrance, so I parked in the parkade, ran through the hospital to the old entrance, and sat to wait.

And he just sat and waited in his room.

He was behind in pain meds, and they said they’d “try” and get them to him. Also, it was all SO last minute, he didn’t even have a chance to go to the bathroom first. It was all SO rushed and SO uninformed. SO frustrating.

Then he texted that he was coming!

Aaaaand then he texted that apparently no one had done any of the paperwork he needed to be transferred. So he wasn’t actually coming yet.

But then he was coming again. A friendly man was pushing his chair and they were visiting. He greeted me as he passed Brady off to the guy whose job it was to load him into the medi-van. He looked at me so warmly and asked if I was coming with, as though that would’ve been totally ok, but we had no idea. I teared up on the spot said I wasn’t, but I was just there to say goodbye to my husband. He right away stopped pushing Brady’s chair and stepped to the other side of the hall, telling us to take all the time we needed, that he was in absolutely no rush.

So I cried and hugged Brady, and told him we all missed him terribly. I gave him a kiss, and then it was time to go.

I sputtered all the way back to the main area of the hospital, and drowned my sorrows in the same coffee I’ve been drinking every day since he was admitted. The Americano Nuevo. Give it a try, and think of Brady. Its delicious. Not just an average cup of coffee, but not too too indulgent, either. A perfect happy medium for a VERY tired heart.

I waited in the parking lot for a little while, to gather my composure, and also to wait to hear that Brady was settled at the next place. If there was ANY chance I could be with him, I wanted to be in the city.

It wasn’t long before he texted that he had arrived, and they weren’t ready for him. They were rushing to clean a room and get things organized. I was SO angry at that point. Because WHY the stupid rush, with NO information, NO wiggle room, and then they weren’t even ready?! I was livid.

I bawled the entire way home. I was SO upset. I knew Brady being at City Hospital was the right move, but the how of the transport just sucked so bad. And now, in case I haven’t been clear about it before, this means Brady isn’t home for weeks and weeks. Its the right choice, but its definitely not an easy one. Its the only one.

Brady texted me these pictures.

His own room, and his own bathroom, with a window overlooking the river.

Today alone, he has FINALLY had his IV ports taken out (don’t even get me started) and has met the bulk of his rehab team. He and I both are loaded down with information and are anticipating the future. Brady is motivated and determined, as he always is.

I cried a lot today. I’m so happy Brady is where he is. I have confidence in that decision. But the transfer could’ve been so much smoother, and the unnecessary chaos and disorder of it all did a real number on my heart and body. The end result is good, so I will work to come down from the mess of the morning.

Therapies begin tomorrow, and I’m welcome to join! I will absolutely be there!

So. It has been a GIANT week. Thats a big duh.

At this exact time last week, he was still under the knife, having his big fat tumour cut off of his spinal cord, under multiple microscopes, with a team of neurosurgeons and neurologists standing by.

And now we’re here.

Brady is 100% himself.

My plan is always to visit him for 11:00 am, but I could only see him at noon today. However, mid morning, he texted me and said he had physical therapy at 10:45. I left the house within minutes, but knew I’d at least be late.

There’s a pretty long story here about the parking lot being fuller than ever, and having to navigate other levels and getting super lost, taking forever, and then getting hopelessly lost on the ground level of the hospital, trying to find the PT gym. Finally I stuck my head into an Occupational Therapy office and asked for help. They asked if I was a patient and I said my husband was. She lovingly took my arm and led me through the offices and got me there.

I entered the gym just as Brady sat down.

From walking!!!

I am completely devastated I missed it but SO AMPED that it happened!!!!!

First, Brady did some “walking” on a sit stand machine. So, picture handles that move like an elliptical, but he’s sitting, and he’s stepping kind of out in front of himself. Does that make sense? He was on that for a stretch, his feet strapped in, and he was able to stop using his arms and his legs kept going!!! He figured he used it for maybe ten minutes. That is AMAZING!!

Then they brought him back to the parallel bars, and stood him up. He and his PT both noticed that he was trusting his legs a little more. So they decided to take steps. I wish I had a picture, but as I mentioned, I didn’t have the pleasure of being there. He walked the entire length of the parallel bars, and then BACK the other way, someone in front of him, and someone behind with his chair, ready to catch him. When I arrived, he was red and sweaty, but smiling!

I was thrilled to get there with any appointment left at all, and his PT celebrated when she saw me! “You made it!!” I did!

They right away took him over to a cardio type thing for him to strengthen his arms and core, and his PT actually pulled a chair up for me and crossed the gym to make some notes on her own. It was really really lovely. Brady concentrated on keeping a straight back, and rocked his exercise while chatting with me. I got to wheel him back to his room on my own. It felt oddly ok. Something we could get used to pretty simply.

However, I brought him back to his room, and then had to leave because it wasn’t my visiting slot yet. Merp. He got out of his chair and into his bed completely independently!! Thats HUGE!

I enjoyed a walk to and from and to and from the Dube Centre, and then it was time to see him!

Thank you, loving friends, for the treats.

It was a really nice visit, but my accomplished husband was so tired, so I called it early.

Lots of change afoot. Thank you for all the amazing encouragement on yesterdays post on Brady’s progress! It was thrilled to read all of your comments and felt SO cared for. Please keep the prayers flowing for our family.

Today was a very full day for Brady.

I was booked in to visit Brady around 11:00am this morning.

Before I got there, someone came to discuss disability benefits and such with him, which is a huge relief, because we have next to no idea where to start. She left her card and said she’d get some forms and help together for him. Yay!

When she left, Brady went to hit the bathroom. For the first time, he was able to get out of his leg compression cuffs, manoeuvre to the side of the bed, and hang his legs off the side of the bed in preparation for the lift. It is victorious that he could move his body that way! And balance enough to take a picture! (Balance is a big deal right now.)

When I arrived, he was nowhere to be found. Turns out they opted to clean him up a bit first and redo his dressing. If anyone wants to see his incision, I’d love to share the picture! I just don’t want to make anyone squirm so I won’t put it on here. Yet 😉 His incision is both HUGE and SO GOOD!!! Its clean, straight, and healing beautifully! Its going to be an epic scar to show off down the road.

While Brady was away, two official looking guys came looking for him. They were from City Hospital’s rehabilitation program, and they wanted to assess him and talk about the plan – to move him to City as an inpatient. After the general discussion was done, they wanted to assess his strength. They asked a lot of him right off the hop, and guys, he took that challenge!! The rehab worker, and the doctor with him both agreed there is a LOT of work to do, but a LOT of strength to work with! They are optimistic and eager to get him into their program!

Once they left, Brady ate some lunch and we had some nice quiet time, just chatting. His physical therapy appointment had been scheduled at 11:30, but had been bumped to after lunch. I didn’t want to stick around too long, since I’m only technically supposed to be there one hour per day. Thankfully, about five minutes before I was going to call it for the day, a transport person arrived to take Brady down to the gym, and she happily and willingly allowed me along.

Physical therapy was smoother than ANY of us anticipated. Their absolute first move was to get him to the parallel bars and see if he could stand.

And he did.

They practices stands. They did a couple at the parallel bars, having him shift his feet and legs in different directions while he stood. Then they took him over to a mattress that lifted up and down like a hospital bed, and taught him how to get in and out of a wheelchair, onto his bed. Back and forth. Order of operations. Wheel brakes, seat belt, foot rests, feet on the ground, and then heave over. Absolutely no one expected SUCH progress on his first day! He and his PT sat side by side and shimmied their butts down the mattress, and then back again, focusing on using some leg strength, and not just his arms. Praise the Lord for those strong arms, though!

I liked his therapy. I like that they pushed him, and he liked it, too. They wouldn’t straighten his legs, they’d point it out and ask him to. They would brace him and hold him up, but they let him struggle a little and be unsteady. They encouraged him, and then chatted for about a minute between stands before going again.

It was CRAZY to see him try and piece together what he needed. Brady can feel next to nothing in his legs, but he still has strength. When he can SEE his legs, he can make them do things that otherwise, he cannot, when he can’t see them. If he can look at his legs, he can follow every direction they give him. If he can’t look at them, he is FAR less sturdy. Its such an interesting thing to observe!

My favorite part was when they asked him if he was done or should them do one more. He opted for one more. And then again. One more. Because he is still Brady, and that man PUSHES!!!

His final stand, when he was the most fatigued, was the strongest, with the most controlled sit afterwards. No slips.

He was done his appointment early. I wheeled him back to his room, and he got into his bed from the wheelchair. No more lift. Even though sometimes, he’s going to really want it. They’re pushing him, and he is all for it. I’m sure his rehabilitation team at City Hospital will be excited about his enthusiasm and determination!

Goodness, Brady, I am SO proud of you!!!

I’m skipping Melatonin Monday this week. I’m sorry, my mind is just elsewhere, and while I do have self discipline, its so hard to see past these recent events. Plus, its my blog, so I get to make the rules. Lucky me.

Some days are really tough. Brady’s hospital ward is hard. They have a lot of tough stuff there, and because they are CRAZY BUSY, they almost never answer their phone. I’m supposed to call before I come, because of all the covid regulation, so they can put me on an approved list. But I can’t get through. I can’t ask anyone any questions, so I miss everything. I missed speaking with Brady’s surgeon – something we were SO eager to do together. I missed his first meeting with physical therapy, and his first ride in a wheelchair. I feel sad that he is going through all of these scary firsts, and a little resentful that I can’t be there with him, advocating for him to have what he needs. Its just hard. Damn hard.

Today, I couldn’t come at my usual time, and only got there around lunch. Brady shared some discouraging stuff with me, and we were both feeling quite down. I snuggled up beside him on his bed, and we both fell asleep. It felt so normal. So needed. My gosh I miss him. But as it goes, we woke up, and I left so he could get some real sleep.

I bawled the entire way home. I cried about missing my husband. Being scared for him. Wanting him to come home. Trying to be brave, but being so tired. Being SO upset about some injustices and hurt feelings. I just bawled. There was nothing glamorous about it.

Today was ugly. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Over the last couple of years, I have done a meme battle with Brady on Valentine’s Day and then posted it on the blog. However, there are bigger fish to fry, and we haven’t memed much today. I was VERY grateful, however, to be able to visit my man today.

I fluffed the rules up a little bit, ditched the mask for a few minutes, and snuggled up as close as I could.

Once upon a time, we thought he’d already be home by now. Well, once upon a time upon a time, we had NO idea we’d be in the hospital at all! But, we’re here now, and I am COMPLETELY happy we’re together, regardless of where we are.

We FaceTimed with my mom and the kids this morning. They asked questions, and we all ate some small treats together, apart. It was cute. They all miss each other so much. It wasn’t a long chat. Brady gets lightheaded if he sits up for more than 10-20 minutes. But it was good for all of us.

What a day, hey, honey? Hopefully we’ll spend a bit more time together on the next one. Or really any day. On the daily, even. Much, much sooner than next February.

I hope to write out a whole long version of Brady’s surgery and initial recovery shortly, but for now, I just really don’t want these pictures to get lost, so I guess you’re getting them now.

In case you missed me, hi, I am non eloquent Hailey. I do not write as well as slightly more stable Hailey. She was before. I’m now. You’ve been warned.

The day of Brady’s surgery, I went to the hospital to drop him off. The great Covid injustice meant I couldn’t go past admitting. I may or may not have bawled like a baby when he left. But, by the grace of God, I may or may not have run into my dear friend, Carrie, at just the right moment, so I had someone to cry on/with.

Brady updated me on his fly looks while he waited for surgery and I waited on pins and needles at home.

Those mixed patterns, though. Its a good look.

The BEST picture, you’ve already seen. That post surgery face 😭I love it.

Aaaaand his view, haha!

I was able to chat with him that night, but I went to visit him the next morning. He was allowed to eat and drink, except he had to lay flat on his back. So we improvised with a cooled coffee and a bendy straw. I kind of loved it.

Thank you, Caitlin, for the Starbucks gifts cards. It is incredible to be able to bring a treat, guilt free.

Day two was the first time they helped Brady sit up! You wouldn’t believe how much work that is for him right now, but he did it! And he was WIPED, but goodness, SO handsome!! He was also allowed to prop up in his bed finally!

Brady had yet a third MRI yesterday, and I got to follow him back to his room with his transport people. They were really chatty and friendly.

At that time, he was plugged into a lot of things. He isn’t anymore 🙂 Today, he wasn’t attached to ANYTHING! IV ports are all still in place, of course. But no current tubes or cords. Win!

Brady looked SO himself today. He had a shower and felt fresh and tube-free, finally! You would never know the trauma just by looking at his face. Goodness I love him.

And lastly, not a picture of him, but of the crazy lift they use to move him around!

So, if you can picture it, they pull this right up to Brady’s bedside. He gets into a bit of a sitting position, and they help him place his feet on the grippy foot board. Then they put a sling/harness around his upper body and hook some straps from the sides of the harness to the white circles on the sides of the handles. (Maybe I can get a picture of this for another post.) Then he holds onto the handles for dear life, and the machine pulls his body up into a standing position. And then they drive him wherever he needs to go. Its such a beautiful, useful machine, and I am so grateful for it, as is Brady.

Brady has been moved around a lot today and yesterday, which is super important, but completely exhausting. As we keep saying, the road is long, but we are here for it, however it looks.

Thank you, friends, old and new, who are following along with all of this, supporting us, and who care so deeply for Brady and our family. This whole thing feels surreal. Like something that happens to other people. It feels completely out of body. And then it hits like a load of bricks, and becomes very very real.