If you remember my crazy hand and arm pain from early last year, you may remember that I learned a big lesson through that time. I learned that my body will often talk to me before my brain does. Sometimes, my brain and body disagree. My body will be unhappy, and communicating it to me, but I push myself further, because my brain tells me I can do it! Sometimes, my brain is wrong. Oof.

Since Brady’s been away, my anxiety has manifested itself largely in the way of bad heartburn. It sounds like a small thing, but I swear, when its at its worst, I cannot stand up. Its completely incapacitating. As I’ve said previously, I’m on medications for it and its at bay, but its not gone. Its just managed. About a month ago, on a day where I wasn’t expecting to go see Brady, plans changed, and I could go see him after all! I was SO excited!! And in that moment, my heartburn flared BAD. It was SO confusing, because I was so excited, and so happy, but my body’s response was to completely tie up in knots. It was SO maddening. I think that was the point where I called my doctor for help.

Things have been managed well since I started a prescription or two, until Monday. I felt a little overtired, and woke up with big heartburn. It had been a long time since I’d had any, and I had laid off some of my extra meds a week or two ago already. I took my meds that morning, but of course, I knew it wouldn’t just catch up immediately. But it helped me back to a point of functioning, and I got up for the day.

I went to see Brady that day, and all went well. I was almost dozing off, though, so I called it a little earlier than usual and went home. My mom greeted me, and almost immediately offered for me to go up to bed for a rest. I felt so crummy and tired, and took her up on it.

I dozed off during a YouTube video. For sure less than twenty minutes. And I woke up in the middle of my first ever anxiety attack. I was shivering uncontrollably, despite the heating pad I was snuggling with. My heart felt fast, and I couldn’t stop moving my legs. I almost want to say I was writhing? I couldn’t come down from it. I took deep breaths and worked hard to calm myself, but I was SO cold and SO shivery, and because of that, all my muscles were tensed up tight, and I was in pain. I called for my mom and she came up to help me. She was very concerned, as you can expect. I asked if she could start a bath for me. She didn’t love the idea of me being unstable in a bathtub, but I took my phone with me so I could call for help, and she said she’d come check in from time to time. She stayed in the room until the bath was fully run and I was settled.

The bath turned out to be the right move, and my body finally relaxed.

I spent most of the remainder of the day in bed. I was beyond exhausted. My tolerance was low. My head hurt so bad. I was miserable. I was SO frustrated with my body. How dare it want to recharge at such a time as this – when my husband is in the hospital and my children need me more than ever?? I praise the Lord for my small circle of people who have been able to actively help in my home – mom and Cher, and for my much larger circle of support outside my home, which consists of SO many of you, and your friends, and their friends.

I cannot afford to burn out, but its clear my body wanted me to take a step back from the day, at least. I’m trying to find that smooth middle ground between getting rest, but also pushing myself to accomplish tasks that genuinely need accomplishing. How can I trust my drive and motivation? My body will be tired, but how much is too much? I wish my brain and body would cooperate with each other. Live in harmony already 🙄

Okay so, this could start off a little heavy (oh hey, Cher again) I am not sure if any of you know, but three years ago this April, my brother Scott lost his battle with depression. It was the beginning of my friendship with Hailey and I barely knew her or Brady at that time. I was just coming once a week to take pictures of her belly when she was pregnant with Waverly. 

In the meantime, I have felt like Brady was a big brother figure to me. Not JUST because I have spent lots of time with the two of them, but because I have learned a lot from him. I have watched his self-control. That alone could be its own series. Five kids crying, two need diaper changes, someone is at the door visiting with Hailey, food on the stove.. And the guy just stays so calm and casual. I sit there in disbelief.. Waiting for an explosion that NEVER comes.

I remember one time we were talking about coffee and creamer and for some reason he came downstairs and apologized to me because he felt that he was seeming protective of the amount of creamer being used (even though I drink black) in case he may have hurt my feelings. Like…. Wha.. who… whe…huh??

Fast Forward to… currently. I am sort of a nerd and I have watched every single episode of the flash… twice. Now that Brady has time to watch anything he so desires, he is watching the Flash. I get little updates everyday of silly things, plot twists, character flaws etc. and man.. I am not HAPPY he is in the hospital, but I remember messaging my brother for years trying to have more than one word answers. And to have a brother now who messages me first about nothing more than twizzlers in a nerds pocket. That’s like an answer to prayer. (To clarify, this is ALL in a group chat where Hailey can read but like she doesn’t because we are too busy being nerdy. It’s fine)

Brady is a really good example for me because he goes against every “normal” family where the husband just does his OWN thing. He is THERE for his amazing wife every evening. That doesn’t mean he has no hobbies or friends. He does! But he also takes pride in his family and his commitments. He is THERE for his kids and even knows what size pants they all wear.

For someone who grew up with a drug addicted father and losing their brother, having a positive big brother figure has been nothing but educational and rewarding for me. We have had moments of civil confrontation and healing. Moments where clarification is needed. Moments where I’m wrong. Moments where we are all wrong. And at the end of the day, my best friend’s husband shows up and proves to me that men know how to care.

Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk series, I put out new content every time I ask to give Hailey a break.

I was asked to write a blog post today from my perspective of Rowan’s melatonin experience. (Yes, it’s Cher, how did you guess? :P) 

I am excited to write this post because I feel such a burden for beautiful Rowan. I hope one day when he is an adult he reads these and sees how loved he is. Not judged, or criticized.. But genuinely loved. We all want to connect to him and understand him.

For myself, I feel like I am a lot like Rowan. I feel deeply and quickly. Although I am an adult now, I still find myself needing magnesium to help with my hormones and ADHD symptoms. I personally don’t believe that Rowan has ADHD or any other type of disorder, but I do feel that he could just have a chemical imbalance. 

Going back to December:

I was there when we decided to call the pharmacy. Hailey and Brady tried everything for years to help him organically. Finally, I interfered one day and said: “Let me just research this and call someone.” and to my surprise, Hailey and Brady welcomed the help. It is never a sign of weakness to accept help.

On Brady’s way home, he picked up some melatonin for Rowan. At this point, Rowan was having fits of rage multiple times an hour. All day, every day. It came to a point where he said he could not try anymore. We all knew that something had to be done. I think as an outsider it’s easier to push because he isn’t my kid. Hailey’s fear was the judgment from others that they would view this help as a negative way to “shut him up” and that simply was and is never the case. Rowan had love with or without melatonin. It did not make anyone love him more.

The first few weeks were amazing. Almost no freak outs. Then, he kind of got used to it. He became just as angry as ever. Hailey was beside herself. What else could she do?? She began to REALLY take into account what everyone was telling her about their kids. She couldn’t stand for him suffering anymore. It was never about HER. It was and is ALWAYS about him. What parent wants to watch their child suffer? The fear for his future was real. Will he lose friends? Will he get kicked out of things? What is ahead for Rowan? No one will see him for who he really is. He is soft, gentle, careful, thoughtful, spiritual, and absolutely special. They are more afraid of you judging him, than judging them. 

Fast forward to March: They kept Rowan on melatonin. I think this is very wise. Especially with Brady in the hospital. Hailey needs sleep. Rowan needs sleep. Everyone needs sleep. Now that Rowan is on the melatonin and magnesium combo, it’s like the clouds have cleared, and you can see his true spirit.

Just last week I busted him for lying to me. I was afraid because I had Hailey upstairs to rest and didn’t want her to hear her son scream. I told him that he gets his toy back when he apologizes. He looked at me disappointed, walked to the front room and sat down. Then he went downstairs. Later on he came upstairs and apologized and got his toy back.

On any other day, without the help of these natural vitamins, he would have thrown himself on the floor, screamed, slammed his door and it would be a 45 minute episode. 

On St. Patrick’s Day, he came home with a Leprechaun trap and played in the kitchen with it for a while, increasingly getting more rowdy with implementing new toys. I politely asked him to not use anything that would fall and break. He replied: *sigh* “okay”  which is night and day from absolute yelling right off the bat. He can listen now. Not only hear, but LISTEN. Of course we still want him to have his same personality, and of course he still has it. We want him to feel things and work through his emotions. We want him to learn and grow and mature. No one wants a zombie child, or to be the parent who shuts their kids up with medication. 

I can’t express enough, as someone who doesn’t have kids, how afraid I am sometimes to enter the world of motherhood. All the judgments and fears. I watch Hailey many times a month, worry about what people will say or think. Not because she is weak, but because she doesn’t have the time for feeling judged for how she raises her kids. 

When I have kids, I hope I can be just as incredible a mom as Hailey is, and that I have just as supportive of husband and father as Brady is. What a team. If we had ALL parents take this kind of time, care and concern as these two do, there would be way less adults in the world who feel neglected and confused about themselves. 

Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.

Ok, so I know you’re not all parents of young children, but bear with me. This was a super cool discovery on my kids’ part and I want to share it with those of you who do have kids who play with Magformers.

Maybe this is old news, but maybe it isn’t.

When we had the basement drywalled, we requested steel corner beads to ensure they’d last a little longer and not get beat up too too fast. Those outside corners get hit hard. Thank goodness we did that, because clearly someone was whipping magformers around the basement and one caught on the wall. It grew from there, with a line of the squares going up as high as it could. But they took it to a whole new level today!!!

This is SO fun, and I never would’ve thought of the corner beads as a magnetic surface. I’m not kidding. Give it a try.

Brady has been incredibly active in his rehabilitation, clobbering every obstacle that has been placed in front of him. He has walked smoother and smoother. Used a walker and crutches. Learned the ropes of using a wheelchair. He’s learned balance and strength in terms of swaying and side stepping, which might sound small to us walking folk, but we have NO IDEA the difference between walking forward and walking side to side. It is NOT the same. Brady has excelled, and had made strides that even his very optimistic rehab team knew were a stretch.

Brady’s student PT was finished on Friday. He had told Brady a while back that he was hoping to get Brady on forearm crutches on his last day. The big finish for his stretch at City Hospital. Except, they did that much earlier this week. Tuesday, I believe. So, on Friday, there was a new plan. Stairs!

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that stairs are kind of challenge for people with limited mobility. If you didn’t already know our house was a modified bi-level, now you see why its pretty important that Brady be able to climb stairs. Yes, we will get a lift up to the main level of our house. But there are other staircases, and those are important, too. They lead to the basement, as well as up to our master bedroom. We cannot swing the cost of three stair lifts. So, it was time to try.

First, Brady and his therapist went between the parallel bars, and Brady used them while he stepped up on a shorty little stepper stool. It was a very specific series of movements. Good leg first. Step up. Right leg next. Don’t lift with your hip. Use the muscle on the side of your butt, and your thigh. Then lock that knee. Boom! He’s up. Down was similar, but in reverse. Right leg first. Lock the knee. Follow with the strong leg. Brady would step up, and then over it, and his therapist would drag it back out in front of him for another step. After two completed lengths of the parallel bars, we moved to the real deal.

And as you can probably predict by now, he crushed them. He went up and down this practice staircase twice, I believe. He even practiced it once on his bum, scooting up and down that way. And it worked!! Once Brady was done with stairs for the day, they worked a bit more on getting up into his chair from the floor, which is a decent effort, but he can safely, confidently make it happen. All of that together opens SO MANY DOORS!!!

This means we can throw out our plan to move our children around and move our master bedroom down onto the main level. Rather, we can install a second railing in that stairwell and he can get up there with a study railing on each side! He will let down SO much nicer in his own room! Same story with the basement stairs. We will get funding for a lift onto our main floor, as its our longest staircase, and way too wide to use two railings at once. We have options now. Realistic ones. Options that make it seem like some things can be normal again.

I am SO proud of Brady!!!

Remember how hard it was for Brady to get an MRI? Turns out once you get the one, if enough is wrong with you, you can get a handful of MRIs a lot easier.

I tease. Kind of.

The hospital ordered another MRI for Brady for Wednesday, and he was bumped until this morning. He had about a one minute warning before he had to quickly get up, dressed, and was taken down. It wasn’t a long scan like we had been told earlier it would be, so he texted me around 9:30 and said he was ready for company! Woohoo! I left within a couple of minutes, grabbed some coffee for us, and made it to the hospital about a half hour later than usual. That is not a lot of lost time at all!

The first thing Brady told me about was this.

His MRI this morning had been a contrast MRI. He had an IV port in his arm since Wednesday morning, so the bandaid is from that coming up. His MRI this morning had been a contrast MRI, so when they pushed the contrast through the port, some of it went interstitial, escaped his vein, and ended up in his muscle. Brady’s a decently muscly guy but his forearms aren’t this big! Except now, the one is, lol!

Luckily, it isn’t causing any pain 🙂 More of an annoyance than anything. They say it’ll just dissipate over time. The same thing they say about the blood clot thats still hanging out in his lungs (barf) but a little less scary.

Whats one more weird medical thing, right? Whats one more thing to think about?

I tease. Kind of. I am SO grateful for Brady’s positive outlook on just about everything. The recent positive days definitely help, but the prayer support is no doubt the biggest thing!! We are SO grateful for our supportive people from all over! Thank you for continuing to be in our corner and support us in all the different ways you do.

Last note of the day, Brady’s student PT is done today. He was an amazing part of our team, and we are both VERY sad to see him go! Good luck, Pete! You are absolutely in the right field!! Keep doing exactly what you’re doing!

Yesterday was a really encouraging day. On top of the milestones Brady has been hitting in rehab, he’s also had some really surprisingly nice conversations with some of his doctors. Those medical calls are a complete wipeout, even when they’re good!

Brady spoke to his surgeon yesterday, Dr. Fourney, for the first time in about a month. Dr. Fourney wanted Brady to feel reassured and confident in everything thats happened and whats to come. When he had said all he wanted to say, he asked Brady about his progress at rehab. He started off by asking if Brady had gotten up at the parallel bars yet. Brady, surprised, told him he had actually walked the parallel bars in his first week post-op when he was still at RUH. Dr. Fourney was completely blown away, and expressed that to Brady. Brady then told him he *drumroll* walked with forearm crutches just the day before, and Dr. Fourney was bowled over. He was SO happy for Brady. He told Brady that he was really good at healing, and to keep doing exactly that! He also said, if he ever had any spine related questions, surgical or not, he should feel free to leave him a message, and he would be HAPPY to call Brady back absolutely anytime to talk. Brady felt SO light after that call.

Today was a day we were very much looking forward to as well. Brady had a custom brace made for his ankle a while back (Its called an AFO, an ankle foot orthosis) and it wasn’t quite right. This morning, Brady was booked to go to Saskabilities and get it fitted and modified to work better for him. His therapists booked time to go with him, and they invited me! I was SO thrilled to be included on the field trip! The four of us piled into the handivan and made dark jokes and talked all the way there.

The front desk guy wasn’t especially happy with the amount of us coming in a group, but the man who was working on Brady’s brace wasn’t upset at all. By the time we were done, Brady had a brace that fit great! But just because we were done doesn’t mean the handivan was back! For the next 25 minutes or so, Brady did some walking outside, and then popped back into his wheelchair to practice some curbs and uneven territory. He did so great. It was SO nice to do some outdoor therapy.

When the driver came back, we loaded back up, and ended up all talking about our experiences growing up going camping. We all had different lakes, but we all loved lake life, camping, family, etc. It was just such a nice thing to relate on and look forward to.

Lucky for us, we made it back in time for a very anticipated PT activity!! Today was the day Brady’s physios were going to see if they could get him into our van.

I only WISH I had pictures, but it went SO fast, because it was SO much easier than any of us anticipated!!!! I was SO proud!! None of this to say Brady doesn’t have to work hard on placement, strength, and the mind-over-matter aspect of things, but he CAN do it! He is fully capable of getting into the van! His left leg is mobile enough that it can get up onto the running board step, and then he can hold the handle to the side, and the handi-bar we’ll attach to the latch, and heave himself in. I’ll show you in photos sometime. It’ll all make sense. But it is SO exciting! A real victory!!!

Today, we celebrate. There is a LOT of heavy, but we celebrate and enjoy the light as we can.

The amount of messages we’ve received in the past five weeks or so has been unlike anything we’ve ever experienced. I have permission to share one from this morning, so here you have it. This is what I woke up to.

From Cher:

Good morning, to my WOMAN CRUSH WEDNESDAY OOO LALA.

woman crush er’ day. Pff. Chh.

I love you so much, beautiful sweet Hailey! How did you sleep??

I love spending time with you. And being silly with you!

I love seeing you happy. Even if it’s because of food.

I love your hobbies and all the things you do that make you happy.

I think you’re so brave, even when you make dark jokes.

I love that we can still snug sometimes.

Even if you fall asleep

Things are gonna get better soon I promise

Things are gonna feel normal before you know it

You will look back on this as just a time. A difficult road. But one that shaped your perspective and strengthened your family.

And your view will never look better.

I hope one day, I feel the peace a young sleeping child has.

That cozy, problem-free rest. The simplicity. The abandon.

I know I can find peace in God. I’m trying. I’m praying. We ache for healing, health, togetherness, and a resolution to all the uncertainty.

Philippians 4:5-7:

⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am really happy to report that Rowan continues to grow and progress towards an easier life and a calmer attitude. Every night, I pray with him and we ask Jesus that Rowan will be unscathed in this time of uncertainty. And as far as I can tell, God continues to provide.

Rowan still definitely gets sad. We all do, am I right? But his control is unbelievable! He is SO much more level than he was even a month ago, and considering everything our family has gone through, he would have every reasonable right to be in far worse shape than he was to begin with. I am SO incredibly proud of him!

Just a couple of days ago, he hurt himself by dropping his water bottle right on his toe. That hurts. I know. I’ve done it. He shrieked in pain, and then cried. Not long ago, he would’ve screamed and tantrummed and just gotten SO angry. But he didn’t. I held him and tried to be super understanding about his pain. He cried for a pretty good while, I could tell he was having a hard time winding down, but he never got SO frustrated that he just threw a fit. When he finally started to relax a little, he told me he was sorry he had screamed, and that he tries SO HARD to be a good boy, and that he doesn’t want to make me feel hurt or sad. I hugged him SO tight and reassured him that I was NOT upset that he had cried when he got hurt. I told him I WANTED to know those kinds of things! But I heard his heart, and I told him that, too. I see how hard he is trying, and I let him know it was SO worth it. He said to me “Ok, good. I’ll keep working.”

The journey continues, and I’m so thankful for be along for the ride. I am SO pleased with Rowan’s continued progress and growth!