Another school year is done and gone! If I can be brutally honest, I have never felt more disconnected from the kids’ school experience as I have this year. Thats not to say ANYTHING bad about the teachers, because they’ve been AMAZING. It has to do with my brain being literally maxed out, paired with the inability to attend “easy” stuff, like assemblies, family reading lunches, etc. Not setting foot in the school even once this year has been so incredibly strange. Yet I am SO happy my children had amazing teachers, caring staff, lovely friends, and positive experiences.

Our family went to pick Dekker and Laela up after school today. Dekker had food on his face, and Laela had most of a popsicle in her mouth.

They were both super happy and bright. It was really good to see them like that. Before we had left the schoolyard, I heard Dekker say something about being SO excited for school to start again. I laughed and scolded him in the same breath. Let’s enjoy summer first, shall we?

I should throw in here that Rowan had his last day of school last Thursday, and I didn’t mention it. Whoops! He was super cute about it, though, and offered I could take a picture of him today, if I wanted. So I definitely did.

He’s got a pretty cute mug himself.

Next year, I will have kids in kindergarten, grade one, grade three, and grade five. Oof!!

Aaaaand one at home.

SO much change in our house these days. I can’t even imagine what’s still to come! God’s in control!

Remember when Brady added spindles and a railing to our deck stairs?

I think that was all the motivation he needed to get to work finishing the ramp at home!

It took a little longer than it might have last year, but it got done beautifully!! Brady worked SO hard and felt SO accomplished! As he should have!

I’m so happy to have this finally done! It looks complete, and we can start putting some of the tools that have been lurking in our garage away where they belong!

There is never a shortage of projects to do, and I know both Brady and I are relieved when we can do some of the work.

*packs more screws to do yet more work at the lake this weekend*

I used to buck trends pretty hard. I rocked flares looong into the skinny jean moment, and I’m hanging onto them tight as flares resurface. I fought bands that other people thought were cool. And frankly, I was far too poor to even consider a LOT of different trends, as they seem to come and go with the wind.

But I’ll admit, once the fuss wears off a little, I tend to dip my toe in. So in the last few days, I finally tried whipped coffee!!!

• 

• 

Guys. Oh my gosh.

• 

• 

So. These are ridiculous. Like RIDICULOUSLY GOOD!

Here is how we do it!

2 tbsp instant coffee
2 tbsp white sugar
2 tbsp hot water

Mix.

I’m not even kidding. Don’t ask me how it gets so creamy. I don’t know. Thats ALL it takes.

We put a handful of ice in a glass, fill it with milk, blob the coffee on top, take pictures (or it didn’t happen) and then stir it all together.

Be warned. The coffee whip will be STRONG! You’ll want to dunk your finger into it like its icing, but you’ll be surprised. It is NOT icing. Still, I want to stir it into everything, and I want to tweak the recipe in ALL the ways!

For round two, I mixed some up the night before to see if it would hold.

It did!! It had settled a liiiiittle bit in the bottom of the bowl but very very little. It worked great! We added some whipped topping to be fancy. The middle coffee wasn’t into it…

Haven’t laughed that hard in a WHILE!!

There has been talk of adding Baileys. Cher suggested drizzling something yummy overtop, too.

Basically, this can only get better and yummier. I’ll keep you in the loop. I’m on the hunt for a little immersion hand blender to be able to make it at the lake, because I might already be a tad attached to this new concept.

This might be the bougiest thing about me.

You guys know how I feel about extra, right? Right.

So we haven’t done much in the evenings over here. They’re pretty low key. Yesterday was specifically a really hard end of the day with the kids, and something had to give. So, we had our first home fire! 🔥 We’ve been having SUCH beautiful fires at the lake, but having one in our backyard was pretty excellent as well.

We were gifted a load of firewood a few weeks ago, which was totally unexpected and very much appreciated. It burned beautifully, and snapped, crackled, and popped. It gave off really nice heat, too, which wasn’t suuuper necessary on such a warm night, but it didn’t hurt either.

It was a really, really nice time with Brady and Cher, like we used to do last year 💜

Not the best picture, but you get the idea 😘

I am so grateful for all we have, and who we have. For friends. A quiet backyard. Good music. Firewood. Drinks. Sun. Peace. Rest.

Today is a peaceful day. I can’t say that every day. But I can today. Today is not a perfect day, but I feel peaceful today. So far.

No one woke me up last night. No sleepwalking. No nightmares. No interruptions. I slept through.

Laela, who is working off a punishment right now, completed her work this morning without complaining. She has not complained yet, and for that I am so grateful. Lesson landed.

Brady is working on a building project. Not only will the result be worth the work, but the fact that Brady can complete projects such as this is a beautiful confidence boost for him. He is SO happy to be able to work still, even if it looks a little different.

The three older kids are at school, and I’m down to two. Waverly and Solomon are playing outside together, seamlessly. They do so great, just the two of them together. No fighting. Just pretending together.

The sun is out, but not TOO hot. No wind. Even the weather is peaceful.

I’ve been able to crochet this morning. I have so many projects in my mind recently, and crocheting has turned into something therapeutic. It keeps my brain busy, but not overloaded, and it keeps my hands busy so I don’t get too pick-y. I’m able to be occupied without being too busy or overwhelmed. I wish I could make a living crocheting somehow, haha!

Today is the day that our dear friend shops for us, and we will receive a giant Costco haul at the end of the day. I am so relieved to not have to fit that shop into my life right now. One day I will again. But, not this week, and thats ok.

As I sit, peacefully, I fight the urge to jump up and be frightfully productive. My brain runs over the list of things I have to do. Have to pack. Have to prepare. But rather, I’m going to take deep breaths, and enjoy my peaceful time. I will be more accomplishmenty later. Maybe. Maybe not.

First – peace.

As if the title needed any clarification, I’m here to share pictures from the weekend with you! I don’t have AS many this weekend, but trust that I was just occupied with enjoying my time with my people 💜

We kicked off with honey chicken we had made the day before and warmed up once we arrived. It was delicious and went over well.

Our first night was relaxed, and was not photographed. We just hung out, got set up, and eventually got everyone to bed.

Day two was extra special because Cher came out!! She has WAY better pictures than I do, but I’ll tell you we had a lovely time with her there! I took her on a golf cart tour, and we crocheted by the fire. Brady began working on the stairs, and the kids ran all over the place, playing with friends and exploring.

Dekker found a little clearing and decided to make a fort/clubhouse out of it. Braden even helped him get a pallet in there for a floor.

I brought along some bacon wrapped steak skewers that I found in the freezer from a while ago, and Brady grilled them up. They were DELICIOUS.

Meanwhile, Rowan built cool structures out of Brady’s cutoffs.

It was SUCH a lovely day! Maybe Cher will Cher her pictures with you one of these days 😉

The next day began with a morning fire and s’mores for breakfast, which may or may not become a new tradition.

Check it out! Brady can still chop wood! On his new itty bitty little chopping block! Lol!

• 

• 

Something that was awesome about this last weekend was the fires! Sometimes, the wood at our spot is really wet, and even though we try to keep some covered at our site, its just hard to get a good blazing fire. But this weekend, it was PERFECT, and we kept fires going ALL day!

Brady got some Fathers Day cards and gifts from the kids, as well as some Saxx from me. Aaaaand pep and cheds, because YUM.

The day warmed up, the fire crackled, the kids played, I crocheted, and the man napped.

I’m ready to go back. Aaaaany minute now. But I need smaller projects to crochet. Everything I’m making is too big to work on in my lap, hahaha! If thats the biggest problem I’ve got, I’m pretty fortunate. Thank you, Lord.

Short answer:
Everything.
Except those high shelves in the kitchen.
And he can’t actually get into the pantry.
But everything else!!

Long answer:
Brady can literally do just about anything he could do before. That doesn’t mean he does all of those things regularly, because some of them take WAY more concentration and energy than they did before, but he does a lot more than many people might realize. I’ve been realizing a handful of people have asked the same questions, and they’re pretty basic so I thought I’d catch everyone up!

Brady can do stairs! Which is SUPER handy, considering we live in a modified bi-level and we have three short flights of stairs. (No one plans for tumours and paraplegia, am I right??) When he moved home, he would either use a railing and a crutch, or a railing on either side. Recently, he’s gotten stronger and braver, and often just uses the one railing. To be clear, though, it still takes a good amount of concentration and effort, so if you talk to him while he’s on the stairs, he’ll probably have to stop to answer. Walking is still VERY visual for him, so he has to look at his feet while he does the stairs. Otherwise he doesn’t know where they are.

Brady can walk without crutches. Its happened. Its not smooth or graceful, but it can be done. His legs are SO strong, and his balance is improving! He’s also gaining confidence and trusting his muscles a little bit more. Its pretty exciting to watch. On this subject, you may have noticed in pictures recently that he more often walks with even just one crutch! Then he can carry things with him easier, and can be even more independent.

Brady still wheels around the house mostly but he stands from his chair all the time to reach things. He cooks at the stove, standing at his chair, and he preps stuff on a stool at the island. He barbecues like always. Our house was not built for wheelchair accessibility, and while we think that may have to change one day, he has found excellent ways to get around, reach everything, and accomplish everything that needs doing.

I truly can’t think of a whole lot that you might want to know about his abilities. He reinstalled a dishwasher and new flooring. He built a bunch of the deck at the lake, and built the stairs. He built his exercise bike. He chops wood. And there are more projects on the books that we still discuss regularly and plan for. Our dreams are not taken away. If anything, there are more of them! They make take longer to get to, or take a few more hands, but its not over. Not even close. Its just begun.

While much has changed, Brady is still a builder. I am so grateful for that, and I know for a fact he is too. This weekend, I watched him flourish yet again while building the landing, stairs, and railing for the deck at the lake. He sat on the chopping block, or the temporary stairs, or a 5 gallon pail, or whatever else. He balanced holding onto the side of the camper, or the structure he was building, or a crutch, or he just shuffled on his own. He CRUSHED it!

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

The landing looks so beautiful, and is SO sturdy! We pushed some temporary stairs up to it, but they didn’t last long. Brady made some itty bitty stringers and made some really strong, sturdy stairs!!

• 

• 

The railing finished up the next day!

I know I’m not sharing a ton of details, but I think his face says everything. He was SO happy to be able to build this unit. I think it boosted his confidence like crazy, and reassured him that all of his talents and skills are not lost.

“Disability.” Psh.

We cannot wait to go back to the lake!!!

Cher here!

I’m not trying to make anyone uncomfortable, but for those of you who don’t have a father – either because he has passed or he is not an active part of your life – we can relate that this time of year we sort of start massaging old wounds.

Without getting too much into detail, my “father” has struggled with substance abuse and narcissism my whole life, so I don’t relate to having lost a parent to an illness or accident. 

In this life I have learned that we don’t get to have everything we want or need, and that is actually a blessing. Without loss, hurt, or voids, we would all be cookie-cutter people with no depth or strengths to nurture. We wouldn’t have the opportunity to be perfectly unique. And that’s what every single one of us are; perfectly and completely different from everyone else. 

When I scroll Facebook and I see people with their amazing dad’s I remember my mom who did absolutely everything a dad could do. I remember Jesus who looks out for me, stands up for me, and protects me. I also scroll right on past and don’t spend much time thinking about it because it still does sting. 

Who wouldn’t want a dad on father’s day? The.. DAY! The day that we spend giving gifts, spending time, eating good food… writing sappy internet posts with beautiful pictures.

I just wanted to say, here I am. I can relate to you. You are definitely NOT alone. I, too, wish I had a Father on Father’s day. Hello, friend! We are a group of people who do such a good job pretending. 

I think there are many people out there who have absent Fathers who they feel like they are forced to celebrate. I acknowledge you too! I understand that there are so many ways to feel like you don’t have a Father, and not just because they are not physically near you. You are also acknowledged! 

Maybe you feel sad for your kids who don’t have a Father and you do! I acknowledge you too! There are SO MANY reasons why this weekend will make you feel kinda yucky. Maybe a little grumpy. Maybe you’ll buy a little extra ice cream, and that’s okay. You deserve it, right? I think you do. 

I started out writing this post for myself mostly, but then I started to realize that weekends like this can really conjure up a lot of self-loathing for many people in many different walks of life, and I guess I just wanted to encourage you because I also need it. 

We are not less because we have less. 

We are not defined by our losses.

We can do tough things.

We can turn pain into inspiration by staying transparent about how we feel.

By not shedding our bitterness, but transforming it into encouragement.

And if you don’t have a Father on Father’s Day, you are still worth the love you have not received from him. Just know that.

There was a noticeable shift when Brady came home from the hospital. Hailey’s body language went from uncertain and helpless to hopeful and relieved. It was probably a honeymoon phase of his return because there has been noticeable ups and downs since the cancer treatments have began. One thing about Hailey is that she is SO polite and sweet and loving that you would never know that visiting or asking for things or even giving her information can overwhelm her. There have been times where she has had visits and seemed totally chipper the entire time, followed by a crash because she just spent all the mental energy she had. Those visits can even be small ten minute ones, too.

Being Hailey’s best friend during this time has been a learning curve for us both. We still do see each other a lot because there are many appointments and things that need to get done daily and weekly, but we usually just have a coffee together and that’s our visit. The rest of the day is communication about household tasks, appointments, medications, and spending time with the kids. Nap times are a very sacred time for Hailey and Brady to intentionally wind down so they are refreshed for the rest of the day. Evenings are the same way, so they can be well rested for the morning the next day.

I have learned that these breaks have truly helped with Hailey’s emotional and mental management, as well as all the crocheting she gets done when she is able to sit down and think about nothing stressful. I never understood how important it was to keep visiting to a minimum during these times until I saw how much more capable she feels when she gets to be still. She is such a sweet, polite, loveable human being that never wants anyone to feel pushed away, disregarded, or ignored, so it is easy to take advantage of her time sometimes, when she really needs rest and quiet. We have learned a good pattern with that though, and sometimes you can’t avoid life stuff, but in the end, I think it’s really good to stay alert about her needs, even when she seems like she can take on the world. That’s just who she is. She is a beautiful soul.

Hailey has mourned her capacity many times because she gets anxiety attacks and physical symptoms when she does too much, even today. There have been weeks where some of those things are almost non-existent, but they still make an appearance, leaving her feeling completely bummed.

I will never know what it’s like to be told that my husband is dying from stage 4 cancer and not be able to be with him when I receive that information. I will never know what Hailey experienced in her heart during those months when Brady was in the hospital, or even how she feels today with his limited mobility and cancer treatments. But it was the help of her precious mom, Jeanne who really helped me understand what capacity truly meant. She was Hailey’s voice when Hailey didn’t have one. And I think it’s really important to highlight that because sometimes we DO need someone to speak up for us when we feel weak. That can be such a saving grace. It’s absolutely necessary to stay actively aware of the needs of others during a crisis even if that means we don’t get the time we want, or the attention we think we need. It’s about them right now. And even though sometimes it LOOKS like they’re absolutely fine, they are still healing from things we have no clue about.

Thank you, Jeanne, for all your amazing understanding during this tough time. Thank you for being such a wonderful woman, mother, grandmother, friend. Thank you for sticking up for your daughter in ways no one else could, and for recognizing her needs when she couldn’t. The world needs more people like you.