We never anticipate radiation. Ever. But its our current reality, so we try to make the most of it.
Today, we grabbed milkshakes on our way in. Its hard to know where to put money these days, and we’re very careful not to justify too many unnecessary purchases. Our absurdly generous circle of support has made it that we have NEVER had to buy coffee out of our own pocket pretty much since Brady’s surgery. So today, thanks to ALL the free coffees, we had a treat – milkshakes. It. Was. Awesome. It felt like a date, hahaha!
Brady went into his appointment and I pulled out my crocheting, as I do every single time. The project I’m currently working on is way too big to bring from place to place for a half hour of work, and its way too big to pull out in the van. But 🤷♀️ thats what I do. Crocheting relaxes me sooooo well. Last night, even, my anxiety was SO bad that my hands were shaking and my legs were jumping and I could not calm my body down. I resigned to my bedroom, and my hands got SO calm and relaxed when I started crocheting. When I would stop, my hands would start shaking again. I don’t know what that mess is all about, but its proven! Crocheting helps! Hahaha!
The coffee/milkshake is enjoyable. The music is enjoyable. The company is enjoyable. The crocheting is enjoyable. The sky is enjoyable.
Yet, all of that to say, I will not miss this place when this is all over. This is not where we belong.
Its felt like a long week, and its only Wednesday. Yesterday, I said something about it being a long week. Yesterday was Tuesday…
I think some of our feelings are made stronger by the fact that the countdown to the end of radiation is on. This is the final week. Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is glaring, and its hard to look at, you know? Its SO exciting, but it makes the end just draaaaag! Its like every day you’re overdue in pregnancy feels like at least a year of waiting. I think thats comparable.
Except that we don’t know how things will look once radiation is done. We don’t know. We cannot hold any expectations in any way. So we would love to think we’ll let down a little, Brady will regain some energy, and we’ll all breathe easier and enjoy our time together. But we just don’t know. How long will he be nauseous? How long will his back keep burning? How long will he be fatigued, falling asleep after he takes his meds? How long will How long will he have these headaches? How long will we be managing pain and discomfort and overwhelm? How long will we feel SO limited in what we can “handle?” When can we start working at our stuff around the house and at the lake without fear of sickness, anxiety, or pain?
Deep breaths. Prayer. More deep breaths.
I know this is just for a time. I’m happy to have a new normal. Truly, I’m unconcerned about adapting to a new normal. Bring it on. But I want to be out of survival mode soon. Like SOON soon. The end of radiation feels like it should be the end of survival mode, but something tells me we need to continue to be very careful.
The road is long. To those of you who have followed and inquired and help and care, THANK YOU for knowing this is a long game situation and for riding along with us. Brady’s surgeon wasn’t kidding when he said a large piece of Brady’s recovery was based on community support. I knew we had it, but I had no idea the extent to which we have it. We have an incredible corner of people. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness.
If you’ve followed for the last year or so, you know we accomplished a LOT last year. Project after project got done! It was actually a really wonderful time for our family! At the end of the season, we decided to throw some grass seed down and call it. Sod would’ve been amazing, but considering we were in the thick of covid and had no income, we felt that was something we could take the slow train on. Big deal, right?
Everyone. Is so. So. Dirty. Absolutely all. The. Time.
Our entire yard is dirt.
There is some grass, but its sparse. And the dirt settled pretty hard over winter so we need to lay more down before we even thinking about reseeding.
I am SO grateful for all the projects we were able to do last year, because Lord knows we wouldn’t be able to accomplish the half of them this year! But part of me wishes we had jumped on the sod train a year ago 😆
Here’s to a long season of filthy kids, baths that almost all of the kids resist.
One kid washed 🤮
One of these days, we’ll get everything done. And by “days” I mean “years.”
Garage saling was the first event of the weekend 🙂 It was windy but beautiful out. We meandered our way through the nearby garage sales, but called it pretty quick, so as to not overdo it. Hopefully we’ll do more next year!
Then my mom offered to feed the kids lunch so Brady and I could go grab some food and have a shorty date. It was really really lovely of her 💜 We ate DLMs from McDonalds, and then made our way to Canadian Tire for a Mother’s Day gift for my mom (no I’m not kidding) and a bike tube. Used that handicapped parking tag like a boss 😎
We got back to town, and dropped off the bike tube at a friends house. Becaaaaause they were fixing something up for him!!!
Is this not one of the coolest things you’ve ever seen?!?! A recumbent bike! This kind of thing makes getting rid of some of Brady’s old stuff feel WAY less gross, because we can replace it with things he can use!!
Now for the Mothers Day pictures! See my beautiful flowers?? This is courtesy of Quinn and Kims Flowers, who not only put together a CRAZY beautiful arrangement for me, but also thought of us extra, and helped Brady out specially.
Then, I got some gifts from the kids 🙂 Laela made me a coaster, which adds really sweetly to our collection of tile coasters from the kids! I love them!
Dekker made a super cute art project on a canvas 🙂🙂
Then, Solly painted a plant pot for me and planted a pansy in it, and Rowan made a cute little flower/photo display. They’re all SO cute!
Once most of the festivities died down, Brady took an accidental nap 😴
I may have accidentally woke him…
The kids played outside in the afternoon, and got SO dirty, as per usual.
When the time came for supper, we ate delicious food! Hashbrown casserole, honey ham, fruit and fruit dip, and cinnamon buns! It was CRAZY good!!! Yet another meal train win. That is a gift that just keeps on giving, my goodness!
There were snuggles at the end of the day…
And then the day wrapped up with some popcorn in our brand new Schneider popcorn popper! Yet another overwhelmingly thoughtful gift!
Popcorn man is back at it!
Aaaaand while the weekend pictures are over, I can’t not share these few of Laela and I from this morning, because she has been extra soft and loving and sweet to me recently 💜
All in all, it was a really beautiful, restful weekend, which is exactly what we need. I’m struggling with the way I sound – as if I’m making excuses by saying I’m tired so often, but its just the truth. The mental exhaustion is REAL, and it just wipes a person out in every way. The person, in this case, being me!
Onto this next week! The LAST week of radiation! We are ready to wave goodbye to this chunk of the journey. Brady wants his energy back, and we’re going to need it over the next month! Hopefully we can get everything in order at home and at the lake before the next step, whatever that is, whenever that comes. God knows what we need. He’s never left us or forsaken us!
I have a very happy, very healthy relationship with my mom. At least I think so. I have a deep appreciation for her, and an even greater love. We both respect one another, even if we disagree, though it doesn’t happen often. She has been an immense support as Brady and I have grown our family and progressed in our life. My mom is a confident dear friend that I can absolutely count on! While our relationship has changed from a childhood dependancy, we are still mother and daughter. And for that, I am SO grateful. I know not everyone is so fortunate.
I have always appreciated my mom, but never the way I do now. My mom moved in about 2.5 months ago to help me. She has taken care of anything and everything. She let many of her own life events go by the wayside in order to be 100% available to me. It has been overwhelming, and humbling, but I have not been in any shape to reject her loving offers. I know I would do exactly the same for my child. She has given up a lot, and that doesn’t go unnoticed.
Because of my mom, I could go to the hospital every single day.
Because of my mom, I paid for ZERO gas, as she let me use her car.
Because of my mom, supper was made on days that a meal wasn’t brought.
Because of my mom, lunches were packed for the kids.
Because of my mom, day planners were signed.
Because of my mom, reminders were set.
Because of my mom, important conversations were had, hard decisions were talked through, phone calls were made, and research was done.
Because of my mom, I could always talk about my struggles without guilt or tiptoeing.
Because of my mom, I could go to bed early, and she would wrangle the kids getting up instead of me.
Because of my mom, I had three pieces of bacon and a meal replacement drink every single morning, because I couldn’t stomach anything else at all. And, because of my mom, when my appetite raised up slightly, she celebrated, and made me late night grilled cheese.
Because of my mom, I felt so expectations laid on me, and no guilt surrounding that. I was instead given grace and gentleness.
Because of my mom, these last months have been liveable, and worlds apart easier than they ever would’ve been without her. That, my friends, is sacrificial love. We don’t all have the luxury of having a Jeanne in our lives, but we also don’t all have the chance to fill that role for someone else. Hear me when I say, if the time comes when I’m called to be someone’s Jeanne, I will jump, knowing now the difference that can make in someone’s life, healing, grief, tragedy, and everything else.
I could not have done these last 2.5 months without my mom.. My own personal Jeanne 😘
There are a couple of notable things to share with you all from Brady’s fourth week of radiation. In no order of importance, here they are!
Brady finally wrote a post about what his visits to the cancer centre look like. I had finally pestered him enough. You’re welcome.
We got my mom to try Brady’s wheelchair out! I wish it were easier to put videos on the blog, because it was SO funny! Her life flashed before her eyes at one point, but the anti-tippers on the back of the chair caught her. It was a good solid laugh!
Brady has been diligently getting back into his workouts, and its really paying off! This week, not only did Brady have WAY fewer headaches, but we were able to see immense progress in his strength and balance again. That right knee buckles considerably less. Its awesome!
We have our first physical signs of radiation damage :/ This huge spot on Brady’s back is technically a burn.
They say it is a very familiar, very common thing. It doesn’t hurt him like a burn. Not yet, anyway. So far, they just say to put regular lotion on it, but if it does increase with time, he’ll likely be prescribed a good solid burn ointment. But, just galaxal base lotion for now.
An offshoot from that one – look at his scar! That incision has healed BEAUTIFULLY!!! We have not had a single issue with it healing!
An obvious note as week four winds up – ONE MORE WEEK!!! I think Brady says every day, “I can’t wait for radiation to be over.” He is so over the fatigue, and the appointments, and the tiptoeing, and everything else. Onto the next already!!! But, one more week! 💜 We can do one week. Once that mess is over, we can get ourselves settled at the lake. I. Cannot. Wait.
Brady blog time! I heard that a handful of you have requested that I write about my daily experience at the Cancer Centre so here you go.
It always starts with a lovely drive into the city with my wife, whom you all know and love. She tries to get the same rockstar parking spot everyday, right next to the wheelchair ramp because thats how I roll now. But honestly, I feel like a rockstar just getting to park in the cancer centre parking lot. I’ve always made horribly dark jokes to Hailey when we visit the hospital about how lucky those cancer patients are to be able to park so close to the front door. And now I’m one of those patients! Silver linings.
So we park like rockstars, and Hailey heads to get my chair from the back of the van to bring it around to my door. With a steady hand from Hailey on my back I slowly step down out of the van, making sure my right leg will hold, and then plunk down in my chair and get comfy. A smooch, a hug, and an ‘I love you!’ and I’m off. Hailey has been encouraged to stay in the vehicle unless absolutely necessary for covid’s sake.
This time of year has been pretty perfect because it’s always a refreshing breath of air and sunshine as I turn to wheel up the ramp and around the sidewalk to the front of the building. Through the front door and I’m met with an ‘Oh, there he is!’ or a ‘Here come’s Speedy!’. I’ve built up decent banter with the security guard in charge of the sanitizing and remasking station. He’s very friendly and helpful and makes an effort to make a connection with each person who comes through. The Cancer Centre could not have found a better person to place at the front door, greeting patients in such circumstances.
With a new mask and fresh hands I head off to the elevators to head down to the basement. For the first week or two I always pressed the call button in between the two elevators and took the first elevator that showed up. I realized after a while that it was always the right elevator that would show up and there was actually a second set of call buttons on the far left. So I was feeling crazy one day and I tried pressing the left side button. Wouldn’t you believe it, the left elevator opened. It. Was. Glorious.
Never did I think that two elevators, side by side, could be so different. While righty was a typical elevator you’d find in an aging hospital, Lefty was what you’d find in a moderately maintained business tower! Worn, scratched floor vs not worn or scratched. Plastic bumper rails vs stainless steel bumper rails. Yellowed, plastic buttons vs shiny steel buttons. Stanky air vs less stanky air. It is now my elevator of choice. And only the left buttons will operate it so for those of you headed to the cancer centre in the future, look for the buttons to the left of the elevator on the left. It’s worth it.
The ride downs short and uneventful, and then I’m off down the hall to radiation department. The check-in at reception is quick. They ask my name and date of birth and confirm my appointment for the next day and then I hurry down the hall to wait next to one of the socially distanced chairs. It’s usually 5 minutes or less before one of the techs comes to find me and take me to the illustrious ‘Atlantis Room’. It’s all decorated to look like we’re under the sea and the people are super friendly. Asking about my weekend and my family and just being super personable. It’s so nice!
As we chat about the topic of the day I wheel into the radiation room and strip off my t-shirt and glasses, as well as a discrete check of my belly button for lint. Hailey coined the nickname ‘Fuzz farm’. So thats a thing now. 😀
I then wheel over to the bed and hop up, arranging my legs and laying down into the mould they’ve made of my upper body. It’s very comfortable. 🙂 Then they use the sheet I laid down on to adjust my body until the dots they tattooed on my ribs line up with the laser light show they have set up all around the room. They tell me ‘Dont help us, let us move you’. So I just lay there being pulled and twisted until I hear both techs say ‘Breathing on’ in succession. They operate some controls on the side of the bed and it lifts me up about 5’ into the air and then leave the room. It’s usually at this point that I take note of the amount of BO I have that day being that my arms are propped up above my head and out of the way.
The machine hangs over me like a bathroom faucet while two arms extend out and give me a big x-ray hug. First from the side and then, after the whole machine rotates 90 degrees, from above. The arms then retract as the bed itself makes some small adjustments to make sure I’m in exactly the same spot every time. The radiation faucet then rotates until its all the way underneath me, waits for a second, makes a Ka-chunk and starts buzzing like I’m laying on a bed inside an electrical substation.
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Seconds until the buzzing stops with another Ka-chunk.
I’m staring straight up, praying for healing and strength while Snow’s ‘Informer’ plays quietly from the intercom above my feet. The machine rotates back 45 degrees to my left side. Ka-chunk. Buzz.
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Ka-chunk. More Prayer. More lucky boom boom down. The machine takes a second to rotate all the way around me to reach 45 degrees on the right side. I guess the goal is to hit my spine from below me at three different angles. As the machine rotates over my face I can see that the window where the radiation comes from has what looks like lead fingers extending out from each side with a gap in the middle in the shape of my spine. lol Technology *scoffs*. Ka-chunk. Buzz.
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Ka-chunk. A sense of relief and washes over me like a cool breeze. One of the techs strolls into the room and mentions I can put my arms down now while they grab a remote from the side of my bed and starts lowering me back down to normal height. Chit chat resumes as I climb off the bed back into my chair, wheel over to where my shirt and glasses are to clothe myself again. ‘Have a good night’ and ‘see you tomorrow’ are exchanged and I wheel out of the treatment room, past the under the sea decorations, and down the hall. On Tuesdays I stop at the reviews desk to chat with some incredibly wonderful ladies there about how I’m feeling and how my body is reacting to the treatments. They work incredibly hard to make sure I’m feeling well through my treatments. Good job, ladies!
After that I make a quick pitstop in the wheelchair accessible washroom next to reception and while I’m sitting for a second I text Hailey to let her know that I’m on my way out. I usually offer a ‘see you tomorrow’ to reception as well and then make a beeline for the elevators. Good ole Lefty gives me a lift back up to ground level and I take the alternate exit out because it spits me out much closer to the parking lot. I’m usually inside the building for 25 minutes or less. An important thing to note here is that the vestibule I exit through always smells like the most recent food that was microwaved in the adjacent lunch room. Must be an issue with the ducting.
I exit the building and I’m hit with another blast of fresh air and sunshine. I wheel down the short path to the parking lot and as I round the corner I see my amazing Hailey, bright and cheery and ready to help me load up and go home.
Upbeat music, a scenic drive along the river, good conversation, and a ginger ale are the usual recipe for the drive home. Overall its a pretty pleasant experience. Nice people, efficient facility and equipment. Seems like a decent setup they’ve got there. No reason to be afraid or nervous. I give it a 5 outta 5 if you’re the type to frequent a place like this.
Anyways, I think it’s your typical, everyday kind of cancer radiation treatment. Hope you enjoyed 20 minutes in my shoes!
I can’t completely decide what to blog about today. I’m stuck between something light about how cute the kids are, and a brutally honest post about how much I’m struggling. I don’t have a lot of pictures for a kid post right now, or a lot of energy for an honest post about feelings.
I guess you’re getting a little of both. Starting with the heaviest first.
I can’t lie. I can’t pretend I’m not struggling. I do SO LITTLE in a day and am completely finished way too soon. Yesterday, I did one small job – I moved the trailer by hand in our garage a little bit, and drove the golf cart a little straighter. Thats ALL. I moved them to make room for some things, but once I had done that tiny amount of work, my body started to shake, and my heart started to race. I staved off an anxiety attack for the rest of the day. And seriously, I did NOTHING. I am furious at my body for disagreeing so heavily with my brain. How is it that I can feel level, NOT anxious, and still have anxiety attacks?! GAH!!!
Lucky for me, I have a lot of beautiful little helpers around here. My oldest daughter – beautiful Laela – is the quickest to offer her help and to jump into a job without being asked. She is a mother hen, almost to a fault. The most recent picture I have of her might forever be a favorite of mine. I wanted to show her how dirty she was, but somehow, she manages to still look SO gorgeous to me.
Those eyes are unbelievable.
I am so grateful for the people in my family, and in our lives. We could not still be standing without all of your help and care for us. This is, bar none, the most challenging time in our lives.
‘Tis the season to change over the outerwear! We did it a while ago, washing up and packing away the snow pants and parkas.
By “we” I definitely mean my mom, because she did ALL of that! But a couple of days ago, it was time to do the loose ends, which was Brady’s winter jacket, a bunch of the neckwarmers and such, and winter boots. We decided to keep everyone a light toque and mini mitts out, but each kid now has a spring jacket, splash pants, and a hat. They all have rubber boots, but they all needed shoes, and a couple of them needed sandals. So the Value Village hunt began!
Now that everyone has a pair of shoes, I want to show you them all! We’ll go oldest to youngest.
We took a leap and bought Dekker shoes that needed tying, and he rose to the challenge. Not only does he really love the shoes, but he learned how to tie them easier than I thought he would!
I really like his shoes 🙂 They’re shoes I would’ve picked out and paid full price for at a different store. They cost $4.50.
Laela is next, but her shoes came last. We had to go back a few different times to find some that finally fit. Lucky for us, she is really happy with them! They’re sparkly, and they fit her great! She also rose to the challenge of tying shoes!
They look like bowling shoes, haha! I like them 🙂 They were $4.00.
Rowan’s shoes are cool! They’re slip on vans, and while I don’t have a celebratory picture of him liking them, hahaha, he does now. Lol! Truly, he was instantly frustrated when he put them on, but that always makes it harder, right? 😉 So he finally rallied and wore them for a day at school, and now he is completely happy with them 🙂
They are VERY him. I believe they were around $6-7.00.
Solly’s shoes were the first ones we found, and he really really likes them! They’re Airwalks.
He has never once had a single complaint about them! It was an immediate, easy sell. And he could put them on himself with zero issue. I think they were $4.00.
Wavy’s shoes were also a super easy sell. She loved the color, and they fit her perfectly. She can even put them on herself! #overachiever
No picture of her enjoying her shoes either, but she is ALWAYS running, so I haven’t caught that yet! Of ALL the shoes, these tiny little numbers were $11.00.
As a fun added bonus, we actually managed to find Brady a cool new pair of shoes, too! He had gotten a couple of nice pairs of shoes before everything went down. One of his feet is now always a little swollen, and his ankles are a little floppy and hard to get a tighter shoe on. So he has some big shoes that he can wear over his brace, but when he doesn’t wear his brace, he has no well fitting shoes. It feels really bad to take his cool shoes out of the closet and replace them with nothing…
So, these work really nicely! They’re all leather inside and they look cool! He’s super happy with them! I think they were $15.00.
Beyond all of this, Dekker and Wavy can reuse their sandals from last year. Solly will wear Rowans, and Rowan got some slides for $3.00 from Value Village. Laela has proven challenging in the way of footwear, but my mom picked her up a pair of flip flops from Dollarama, which is all she’s wanted all along. So, everybody wins!
The kids have been spending an amazing amount of time outside these days. The little ones are such troopers, and are out there just as much as the older kids, whether its sunny and warm or windy and grey.
Grey is a good word for describing yesterday. Not because of the weather, but the color of my children upon coming back into the house. Apparently, yesterday was aaaaall about flinging dirt 🤦♀️
Solly was VERY cross when he came inside because we were all laughing. Which I get. I don’t love when people laugh at my face, either. But can you blame us??
He rallied a little once he had seen it for himself, and then let me wash him off.
Wavy was absolutely filthy, but it was mostly her clothes and less on her face.
I could only clean the kids up so much before it was time to eat, but I did my best! It was about halfway through supper when I realized Solly had dirt in his eyeballs 😳
Its not as clear here, but it was floating around the whites of his eyes like crazy! SO much dirt!!!
When the day was finally done, I got Wavy out of her dirty clothes and, lo and behold, found MORE dirt!
That diaper tho! WOW!!! She was just filthy!
At the end of the day, they were clean, and happy, and exhausted. As Spring should be.
