With the change of season around us – summer to fall, camp to school – my brain and body are more tired than they were. Not necessarily more physically tired, but I’m sure you understand. The whole mindset changes from one to the next, and shifting gears takes time.

These days, my mental energy is sucked absolutely dry. I’ve been feeling on the verge of tears for the last couple of days. Not in an unhealthy way. But in a realistic way. I battle emotional struggles day in and day out, but recently, I don’t have the mental strength to get through them as smoothly as I did before. I’m definitely not as tough right now.

Yesterday, going back through Brady’s progress pictures and videos really hurt my heart. It was hard to see we had been and how much had changed.

A couple of weeks ago, I went into a tub of kids clothes to find Waverly some long sleeved shirts in a better size, and that pretty much wrecked me. So. Many. Baby clothes. And no babies.

Of course no one should be trying to have a baby during all of this chaos. Especially not during chemo! These are things I know. I’m still logical.

But we didn’t ask for this. Paraplegia. Cancer. Sickness. Physical struggle.

This was just so far from what we had planned.

When we started losing babies a few years ago, I started being able to express my trust in God better. I am both relieved and infuriated that He has control and I do not. I have often wish for something – anything – tangible for me to do to better our situations, and its just not on the books for me to solve these things.

I am so grateful that it is NOT up to me how this all plays out. I know God is in control, and He has allowed these things to happen. If it was up to me, this year would look completely different. Like, the POLAR OPPOSITE. A total 180. But. Then I would be doing it wrong, because that way is not God’s way. And I trust God.

I know this to be true, so we plod on.

We trust you, Lord.

I could cry. I feel so low today, for lots and lots of reasons. The obvious ones being the daily life challenges that are new and struggly in our home. The change of routine and getting up earlier. Kids being more tired after school, and therefore grouchy. My period. All my day plans fell through. Its just been a long week.

We recently discovered that something went wrong with our laptop and a bunch of our photos and videos were corrupted. Brady painstakingly worked through a weird hack and got the photos resaved, albeit lower quality, but at least we still have them. Today, we’ve been battling to get our videos back. Every video taking back from about mid last summer, as in 2020, it corrupt and while I can see the thumbnail, it says the file is lost.

That includes a TON of the kids.

That includes the entire RV build.

That includes EVERYTHING since Brady’s surgery.

I. Could. Scream.

I’ve spent a couple of hours now sorting through old iMessage conversations from months back, trying to find every single video I could possibly save. And it has been hard. Not only because I feel SO defeated, but because its been a whirlwind sifting back through where we’ve been over the past year. Don’t get me wrong. We have come SO FAR. I could not be more PROUD of my husband and my family! Praise God for endurance, determination, and glory strength. 98% of every day is spent celebrating how we’ve overcome.

But it was a punch in the gut to see Brady, the day after his surgery, flat on his back, unable to sit, pee, stand, walk, balance, etc. Where as, just days before…

Everything was so different 💔

Its a griefy day.

Today is a day where four out of my five children go to school. It is always a super cute sight as they take off together.

Solly was particularly adorable this morning. As a boy who has always rather had things done for him, he requested to brush his own teeth this morning. I helped, I promise. Hee chose a shirt he has refused to wear in the past. He is oddly particular about clothes. And upon leaving for school, he asked for a hat. Which doesn’t sound that weird, but no one else had one, and it was just a specific request for whatever reason. I’m not making sense. I guess I’m saying I like seeing him think for himself a little.

Once they were gone, we were down to the three of us! I am working on some reorganizing in our room, so Brady and Waverly came up with me. We listened to music. Wavy played in empty boxes and with the few toys she brought along with her. Brady worked on planning out another project we’ve been sitting on for a little while. And I worked, ran all over the house, and got things in their homes.

I am hesitant to even write this out, but I’m sure many of you won’t be surprised.

Sometimes its really hard to be the one who does most of the legwork. My partner in crime, as badly as he wants to, cannot move around as simply as he could before. While he is capable of going up and down the stairs, it is not an especially mindless task. So when there are runs to make up and down the stairs, that’s on me. This morning, that was a hard reminder for me. As I awkwardly stumbled my way down the stairs, my arms filled with 8′ long boxes, pieces spilling out of them as I went, I felt exhausted and discouraged. But I heard Wavy say behind me “Oh wow. Mommy can do that??” Brady confirmed that yes, I absolutely could. And that helped a lot. It was a one second conversation, and it was probably only significant to me, but it brought forth to me yet another way that this year has given our family new opportunities. Not only is it giving me ample chances to grow and stretch myself, but my children will see other ways that we all overcome. We will only be stronger because of Brady’s surgery and the outcome of it.

We’re all taking on new roles around here. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and change and grow.

But today…

Watch over us, Lord.

So, friends, I have to choose between two items to spend my birthday money on, and I need input. If you haven’t noticed, the crocheting bug had bit pretty hard over here, and I’m upping my game in a lot of ways. So these options are both related to that. Upping that crafty game.

Option one is a new set of hooks.

They would feel nicer in my hands while I worked than the plain aluminum skinny ones I have now. Though I’ve used them for years, and they are more than fine, these would be what I would consider luxury, hahaha! Feels SO weird saying rubber crochet hooks are luxurious but 🤷‍♀️it happened!

Option two is a yarn winder.

When I’m using from a skein of yarn and it starts to get to about the halfway point, it gets really easily tangled, and I need to roll it into a ball. And those suckers roll EVERYWHERE! A yarn winder is a quick, mindless way to roll the yarn up in a way that gives it a flat bottom and will sit nicely and not roll away from me when I want to use it. It also leaves me the option to pull the yarn from the centre, which you can understand if you’re a yarn person, is SO much nicer!

So guys, I have to choose. One or the other. What do I do? Help me chooooose!!!

Guys, I will be honest with you and say I am feeling SO much joy in the last day or two. I have been working on a project in Brady’s and my bedroom, and while I find myself fatigued and maybe working a little too hard, I’m sure many of you can relate to a rewarding task that brings you joy. Reorganizing parts of our bedroom has been life-giving! I am thoroughly enjoying getting things set up in a way that contains less furniture but stores more of what we need.

I ducked out today to try and find some items and accessories that I need. Cher came with me, and we scoured Dollarama, and Dollar Tree, and back to Dollarama, but to no avail. Merp. The mad hunt online is ongoing, but I may have a solution for the time being. I will obviously let you guys know when there is more to show off 😉

For now, trust me that I am happily working at home, getting things tidied up. Believe it or not, there is a lot to do! And now that I have fewer kids at home aaaaand a husband with me, we are getting things done! Take that, critical illness! 💪 You are not match for us!

If you’re looking for me, I’m upstairs.

It really feels like we’re in a new season, even though the kids started school two weeks ago now. Being officially packed up for the lake means the weeks don’t feel like limbo anymore. This morning, we got the three kids off to school, and Brady, Cher, and I had a coffee while Solly and Wavy spend time downstairs, playing “camping.” It was adorable.

Cher had to head out and do her day, so she left around 9:00 and my mom arrived shortly thereafter to help us with the great summer unpack. Whew! I am SO grateful for all the help we’ve received. From Cher, getting us in and unloaded, with a huge handful of things put away yesterday. From my mom, doing our laundry and helping with any job we throw at her.

Because without our help, we would be nowhere near where we are now! Kids are about to get out of school. Wavy and Solly had good naps, and we all ate good food. Laundry has a good bite taken out of it. Brady was able to do a workout and have a shower. Dishes are caught up.

I’ve been able to start picking away at a bit of a refresh of our room. Its starting to be less of a comfortable rest space and more of a chaotic dumping ground. I really want it to be cozy and relaxing up there again. I’ve done a single small part of it and I am already BEAT! But its been a productive day so far, and it feels really good.

I will leave you with a funny journal entry by Laela that I found in a notebook in my room 😆Little twerp thinks she’s sooooo good.

I am happy. I am strong. I am tired.

Well, friends, we’re all packed up at camp for the season. It was a bittersweet day, for sure! Last night I lamented over and over how much I was going to miss our spot. I was reassured that I would get a nice break from the cycle of unpacking and repacking, and all the prep that goes into it all. Which is true. We have needed help all summer with that part, and we are eternally grateful to beautiful Cher for always working hard to make that easy for us. It will be ok to pack up and go home for the season.

And that remains true. Except that today, our campsite was the hub I dream it to be. Most of the afternoon, we had nine kids around our fire. Dekker was a HUGE help in Bradys part of winterizing the camper. Think emptying all the tanks, running antifreeze, etc. One of our kids new friends was my dedicated helper on the inside, folding up beds, packing the fridge up, and cleaning.

Our friends there were ready to leave long before we were, but they hung around and encouraged their older kids to entertain our kids while we worked. It was AWESOME.

The inside of our camper is now FULL of our outside stuff, and the outside is pretty tidy and ready for fall.

We didn’t get far into the drive AT ALL before we lost one 😆😴

She was SO knocked out. I’ll be honest. I rubbed French fries on her lips to finally wake her up. She wasn’t having it before then.

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We aren’t far from home now, and I feel peace about being done our beautiful season at the lake. I will still miss it deeply, but I can say with confidence that we could not have hit summer harder, and I am beyond grateful for the chance we had to be there as much as we were. Praise the Lord!!!

Onto the fall! School. Projects. Healing. Rest. Dreaming of next summer 💜

Today has been a very cute day 💜 We took family pictures, and have kept things super relaxed and low key. Cher has been here with us and took some beautiful pictures of the kids. Also some really funny one. So while not every child is represented here, trust that we love them all, but these ones were around to be photographed. And it was an excellent result 😍

These girls were just on fire 🔥 SO gorgeous!!!

Solly was also terribly cute, splitting fire wood with the splitter! He doesn’t usually care to push through a hard task but we kept him hyped up and he kept trying!

He only knocked himself in the forehead once 😬

But then, he got it!!!!!

It’s been an all around adorable day 💜 Tomorrow, we will pack up for the season. There will be a grief there. But a gratefulness that we get to come back next year.

Thank you Lord for our beautiful kids, and our spot here at the lake 💜

Thank you Cher for these pictures 😘

Many of you gave me a SERIOUS confidence boost the other day on the subject of my crocheting 🥺 Sometimes I’m embarrassed by my passion for it, but I’ve decided that the times I’ve been talked down or insulted about it are behind me, and I’ve decided to believe it’s valuable and positive!!! And friends, you were part of that, on the blog here and on Facebook. What a huge encouragement to me 💜 What a beautiful gift.

As we’re driving to the lake for the last time this season, I thought I’d share my “mobile work station” with you 😆

I crochet on my lap, obviously. Just the other day, I read that some diehards put a nursing pillow around them to prop their arms up. That’s pretty genius, if you ask me! But currently, I haven’t gone in that deep 😆 I kick off my shoes, so I can sit cross legged. In today’s case, those are my Toms from value village. They have a fake sheepskin moment inside them and are super cozy. On the floor with them is a drawer insert I stole from my mom before she threw it away a year or so ago, and the ball of yarn I’m using sits in there so it stays clean! In the little side pocket, you’ll noticed it holds sunglasses, and a ginger ale from back in the radiation days, always combatting a headache or nausea.

I’m VERY MUCH enjoying this particular project. The colours are a random mess but it’s actually coming together super beautifully, in my humble opinion. I hope I get lots of time to crochet around a fire in the cool fall air this weekend 💜

My goodness. I know Solly is “big” now, and if he’s big, you know Wavy is a grown up. According to her, anyway. But the other day, Brady and I ran a couple of errands with the two of them in tow, and it was one of the cutest littles things I’ve ever seen. Goodness those kids! 😍

We hit Canadian Tire for a few things we needed to winterize our camper, (antifreeze, a short hose, and some preventative mouse poison) and then grabbed a couple of coffees for our drive. Dollar Days are over at McDonalds, if anyone is wondering. But thats ok. We took advantage plenty!

Our cutest part of the day was Home Depot, hands down!!!

Yes, I asked them to hold hands, and I have NO regrets!!! They were SO cute! And doesn’t Solomon just seem huge here??? Crazy!! As if they weren’t cute enough holding hands…

We got some lightbulbs. A pump. Furnace filters. Teeny zip ties. Rope. Some of this is craft stuff 😉 because you guys know I have a problem. We did NOT buy firewood 😳

We made a super fast stop at Michaels for a long tapestry needle for me (I didn’t even buy yarn!! See me??? Restraint!) and then hit Nutters on Broadway for Rowan’s magnesium gummies. They were all sold out, but the salesperson helped me find some chewable tablets, so we’ll give those a try!

And then, folks, it was perfectly timed that we were done running errands…

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Sooooo we went home! We got home just in time for lunch, and everyone enjoyed some quiet time afterwards. Those whirlwind mornings call for relaxing afternoons, and we are so fortunate to have that luxury. Thank you Lord.