I had a phone appointment with my doctor last week to look at my medication and see what we can do next. If you don’t remember, I’m on a handful of different things to manage my shiny new off-the-wall anxiety, and we’re working towards getting my quality of life back with far less medication. I have no regrets, to be clear. I was desperate, and we treated symptoms as needed until I was ready to talk BIG changes. For the last month, we’ve been working on getting me off of some things, and onto another. The new med should cover ALL the bases, and be the only pill I need. Thats the hope, anyway.

In the last month, I was able to ween completely off my sleeping pill!!! This is a HUGE victory!! I have not taken it over the last week or two, and I am still sleeping comfortably. I have experienced some withdrawal along the way, and my doctor has warned me I might still have some side effects over over the next month. I’m not afraid 🙂 I am SO happy to be off that one. Thank you, Lord!

As previous discussed, the next thing was to go down on my antidepressant. Don’t worry, guys, I know I still need one. Just switching to the new one 😉 However, I was quite discouraged, and honestly, disappointed with myself, because during my call with my doctor, it became clear that she didn’t believe I was ready to go off of it yet. I listened to her reasoning, understood it for myself, and had my cry after the call. Now that I’m a little further from it, I can really grasp it, and it just makes me so much more thankful for my doctor.

Her reasoning began with me telling her that I still have heartburn attacks that come out of nowhere and hit hard. She didn’t like that very much, and asked me a bunch of questions about what I eat and drink, and when I do those things. It came to light very quickly that, as embarrassing as it sounds, I have to relearn food. Its like I’m a child, and I need a parent to make me eat properly and help me know what I need. Remember, I have lost a lot of weight and have struggled to keep food down all year. Now, with my new medication, my appetite is normal again, and I am actually hungry for meals! So I eat more, obviously, and now my body is feeling things that are normal for everyone, but new to me.

I shouldn’t wait 8 hrs between meals, surviving only on coffee. Eating after the kids go to bed is cool, but I have to eat in the middle there. 3:00 ish. That is a perfect explanation for why I’m suffering from large dips in my mood and energy in the evenings.

Also, I have started drinking significantly more coffee since Brady came home. He drinks more than me in general, so when he brews more, or pours himself more, I have more, too. And that, along with not eating or drinking properly, is really messing me up.

Blood sugar is important to know about.

Caffeine is important to know about.

The decisions I make today will affect me tomorrow. If I make poor food and drink choices today, I could very well have heartburn the next morning. That makes perfect sense.

With this all considered, though, Dr. Guselle doesn’t want me to change ALL my food habits while I’m trying to get off of an antidepressant. So that, unfortunately, is on hold. I was a little devastated, having not met the appropriate guidelines. I felt like I had failed.

But!! How AMAZING is it to have a family doctor who actually talks about diet as an important part of our health?! She was so loving to me, saying she didn’t want my body to have to suffer harder than it needed to at any given time. She knows I don’t have it in me to “power through” the way I want to. She said she knows coffee is more of a ritual for me than a desperate need for energy, and she really does not want to take that from us. “Does it still count as hanging out if you’re drinking decaf?” she asked. I thought that was really cute 🙂 And yes, it does still count!

So. This is what I’ve been working on.

In the morning, before the kids get up, Brady and I always have coffee in bed. Now, I have boost instead. I survived on boost while Brady was in the hospital, and I can tell you that there is a place for meal replacement drinks. Boost doesn’t taste funny or grainy, and is a really fitting thing to have in the morning. So, first thing, I have a meal replacement drink. Brady has a coffee, but I’m too drowsy to be offended, haha!

Then, I have something in me when I take my morning meds, and I have some energy to get the kids up and going.

Once they leave, we usually have another coffee together. So we still do that, but thats my first cup. I make a point to eat something with it. Toast, usually. Simple food, because I still don’t care too too much about food.

After lunch is nap time for the little ones. Thats usually when Brady and I have our lunch. So we eat, and drink water. Its after nap time that I usually would have more coffee. This coffee has become a “hit or miss” coffee, because I know its good to cut back, but I also really enjoy it! So usually after 3:00ish, I find something to drink that isn’t water. Maybe its a decaf something. Or chocolate milk. Or maybe nothing. If I’m feeling super draggy, I do allow myself another coffee. This would be my second cup of coffee of the day, if I have it. If we eat at a normal supper time with the kids, then I don’t have a snack with my coffee. If we’re going to eat later, I will make sure I eat something with my coffee. And not just something tiny like a cheese string. Maybe a granola bar, or a small serving of leftovers. But something that my body and brain can use to make it to the end of the day without completely frying.

And guys, its working 🙂 I’m still taking my heartburn medication as I was before, but I haven’t had an overpowering attack in a while. I had been back to taking my emergency nausea medication every morning for heartburn, and I haven’t had to since this change. So there is marked improvement.

I have hopes of being heartburn free someday in my future. Even this year. Maybe in this coming month. That is my ideal. But the pressure is off, because I know I’m being healthy and learning how to listen to my body. I didn’t for so long, I think it just stopped talking to me. Then when it started again, it yelled. But it had every right to want to be heard.

I’m with it now. Finally. Its been a long time coming, but I’m here. We just have to get my stomach acid listening to reason, as I’m finally giving it food to eat rather than my own insides. I know I’m late to the game, and I have to pay for my choices, but I hope the wrath of the burn is almost over so I can finally move forward.

I did not expect the crazy amount of love yesterday’s post got! Thank you so much, friends, for caring so deeply about us 💜 Knowing we have so many beautiful people in our corner is unbelievable. As you know, you got the whole low down of our secrets yesterday after we had officially had hit a wall. And you guys broke that wall down and gave us further hope! This isn’t over yet!!

I wanted to keep everyone in the loop, in a way, and talk about what came up in your responses, in case someone can pull ideas from someone else’s ideas. Also, just to regroup a bit.

There was actually a handful of people who mentioned a gofundme. First of all, you are SO lovely to even consider that 💜Here is the thing. We could avoid the income issue this way, because we’d apply for a different kind of mortgage that is based more on assets than income. That is possible. BUT, we would have to receive sooooo muuuuuch moneeeeey! It seems it would be next to impossible :/ Forget the fact that if we ever actually get into the next house, we’ll actually be in a better financial position there than we are here. But still, a gofundme/crowd funding campaign would have to bring in a LOT. That being said, in that same ballpark of ideas, it was mentioned to us that we could apply for grants through localish charities. Apparently many charities carry grants, and often have a hard time actually giving them out. But they’re unadvertised. So 🤷‍♀️I’m not sure what a person is to do. I’m googling like crazy and its easy to find pages to donate to, but to actually receive is a lot harder to find, and honestly, feels a lot worse to look and press for :/ So while this avenue could work, we’d be asking for a LOT.

Another direction is going to get a job! Lol! Yes, this is the most logical idea. Brady would be more than willing to go back to work. Yet, he would be saving us a fortune by contracting his own house, and that on top of chemo, rehab, etc. would be a lot on one guy. It would have to be a pretty perfect, flexible position. In the other direction, yes, I could absolutely get a job, too. Ideally a home job. Transcription and data entry were both mentioned to me, and I would be MORE than game for either! I believe medical transcription requires schooling, though, and its next to impossible to find a data entry job that isn’t a scam. Help? Anyone? I could get a job out of the house, leaving Brady with all the child care, contracting, appointments, etc. This would be fine, but it is not the ideal for either of us. I would be sad being away, and he would be sad being at home. Its doable, if its the only way, but it would be a hard choice to make.

A couple of interesting loopholes have been pointed out to us which we are in the process of investigating, so we’ll share more about those if they come to fruition.

In the meantime, please friends, ANY idea or lead or tidbit you feel inclined to share, please do so. We have a big list of things to look up, look into, people to contact, questions to ask, etc etc etc. Grow that list! Chanted in full “ring those phones” style! Oh guys, did I tell you Telemiracle came and interviewed us and made a whole tv spot about Brady?

Ya that was a whole thing! Hahaha! It was really fun, though 🙂 The kids loved it. The whole team fit in super well around here.

Anyway, please continue to pray and plan with us. Its not over. There is still hope. There is still time. We know we cannot rush God’s timing, but the lot we want will not last, and we cannot build our hefty, extra wide bungalow on one of these skinny little lots in the new area.

God knows these things. His timing is perfect.

We’ve been keeping things under wraps for a while, but its time to tell you guys where our heads and hearts have been for the last while. Our dream feels next to impossible, and it will only come to fruition if God wants it to. Its time for us to ask our people to put their heads together with us to brainstorm, pray, and also dream!

As I mentioned a while ago, we have begun talking seriously about moving. Having just about everything on one floor would make life SO much easier, and give him the independence that he is being held back from. We are not looking for our old normal back, but Brady is capable of so much, and he wants to do things, and right now the only thing standing between us and the normalcy we are seeking is this beautiful house and all the bloody stairs.

We did our research and found a beautiful, affordable lot. We researched floor plans and planned out the perfect accessible house that we could actually afford. We met with a realtor a handful of times, talked prices, and took those numbers to our mortgage broker. It was all looking so good. We have two years of tax returns that look great, and once Brady was done contracting the house (which is WELL within his grasp) he would find a job, and we could get on with our lives SO much more comfortably! We could even have this all done before summer, so we wouldn’t have to miss any lake time.

It all sounds great, hey?

Except the mortgage application process has changed, and because Brady’s work was owned outright by himself, they want proof of his last three months of income. And obviously, we don’t have that. Our mortgage broker is very well known and established, and she has made a case for us for weeks, but alas, we are too high risk for lenders. We cannot show any income from the last three months, so because of that, for anyone to even look at us, they need Brady or I to have PROOF of a FULL TIME permanent job, minimum 39 hours per week, making over 45K per year. Without this, we are out of luck.

As if thats not enough, here’s the kicker. If Brady were to be the one who went out to get a job, he could very easily lose his disability payments. Because he would be capable. Yet he will always have a disability. So in that case, if he went back to work and lost his disability payments, he’d need to make not only 45K, but closer to 80K. Which is a bigger ask.

Also, if either of us go back to work, contracting a home build would be next to impossible, being that we have children who stay home still, and the “home” parent would have to be on site much of the time.

So to recap, hypothetically. Brady goes back to work. Has to make twice as much money. And then has to pay more for his house because he can’t contract it. In which case we’d have to make yet MORE money.

*sigh*

We have calls in all over the place to see what actually happens when a person on disability goes back to work. If its true that he will lose his payments, the only way for us to move is for me to suddenly get full time work, which is possible but also a HUGE change in our life. I would need mad flexibility. And while Brady is an incredible dad and is actually quite happy being home more, he aches to be out, working, being productive, making money, supporting his family in that way. He can’t just jump back into being a contractor again, though, for obvious reasons.

If I go back to work, we will both be far less happy. There has to be another way.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand why we’re a risky choice for a lender. Who wants a new mortgage when they have basically no income? And who is stupid enough to give it to them?? I do see it. But we also didn’t choose this. Navigating this is completely new territory, and its not feeling hopeful at all.

Its not about how much money we have. Its not about affording to buy the house.
Its about income. Its about paying for the mortgage here on out.

I’m not asking for handouts. Please hear me. I am asking for brainstorming. I am asking for prayer. For wisdom. For help. What have we missed? What would you do? Surely we’re not the only people who have been in this boat before.

There you have it. All the secrets. All the worry. Its all out there now. Please pray with us.

Cher graced us with her presence this morning for java and chats. She hung out with the kids for a little so Brady and I could take a phone appointment together. As you probably know, Halloween is coming up, so the costumes are out in full force.

Terrifying, I know.

Once the kids were down for naps, the three of us gathered some good snacks and headed out to the garage for the crafternoon. We brought out with us fresh veggies and dill dip, pizza buns, crackers, cheese and meat, and cookies. Fun fact. Pizza buns dipped in dill dip is exquisite.

We worked for a couple solid hours. We each had our own little station.

• 

• 

Cher carved. Brady sanded. I crocheted. Surprised? Nah.

We listened to Christmas music, ate snacks, and enjoyed each other’s company. It was a pretty chill time, for which I am so grateful 💜Thank you Lord for these people.

The quiet relaxation came to a roaring halt when the kids came home from school. A VERY exciting event had taken place today!

We haven’t had a lost tooth in a LONG time! This kid is overdue to lose some more teeth finally, and now that he has, I have my own personal jack-o-lantern.

Whew. I am so tired. Its going to be an early night tonight.

Goodnight, friends!

I mean, enjoy your supper…

My belated birthday present finally arrived!! I mulled between a yarn ball winder and new crochet hooks for a good long while, and I still would like both. I decided to go for the ball winder for now, and you’d better believe the hooks will go on my Christmas list!

I ordered the ball winder almost a month ago, and it FINALLY arrived this morning!

Needless to say, I was stoked. STOKED.

It’s called a Stanwood Needlecraft Yarn Winder, and it looks like this.

It rolls yarn into approximately 4 oz “cakes” which, in crochet terms, is a ball that is flat on the top and bottom, so it doesn’t roll away the way a ball does.

A quick overview of how it works for those of you who care about yarn, hahaha!

• 

• 

The yarn is fed through the little eye on the end of the arm (there’s a mental picture for you) and slipped into this little slice at the top of the yarn holder. Then, you can hold the yarn winder or use the clamp under it to attach it to a table. And then you operate the crank by hand/ And it works!! There is no rule about putting the yarn ball itself in a container, but I guarantee it’ll make your life easier. Otherwise it sticks on stuff, picks up hair, etc. This little simple system works beautifully for me!

Its a little addictive, even…

I can confidently say these will take up more space than a tightly wound ball but they will stack so nicely, and they won’t roll away when I use them! They will look SO pretty on my shelf. WAY nicer than a rubbermaid tub.

All in all, I am SO happy with this ball winder!! I have zero regrets on my choice to purchase it.

Aaaaand for the next few days, if you need to find me, I will be holed up somewhere, playing with my new toy.

It was not our smoothest morning. Amidst the basic everyday busyness of getting the kids out the door to school, we had a couple of extras on top. Kids cut a few corners so they had to go back and redo a couple of things they don’t usually. Then Rowan was mad to need his toque and mini mitts, and got all huffy at me, and then it took foreverrrrruuuhhh to dig them out of his backpack. Then a mitt was lost, and then it wasn’t anymore. And then he forgot to repack the things he had emptied out. And THEN he wiped out on our ramp. We need to find a solution to that, lol! Aaaaanyway, it was a whole thing, and it took forever to get the kids out the door. Seriously. Forever.

When it finally happened, we took a little breather and invited Cher for a quick coffee before we had all had to run to our respective locations.

Getting out the door is not our strong suit, and we ended up running a bit behind to Brady’s blood appointment.

The van wasn’t even stopped when I whipped out the passengers side, unloaded Brady’s chair, and ran it to his side of the van. He went in so fast, I looked down for a second and didn’t even see him go into the building.

I was getting settled in to crochet for a little bit when Brady texted me that we had forgotten his blood requisition at home. *sigh* Of all things, where everything in the world is going paperless, we still need a hard copy of his blood form. Yes, it CAN be faxed, but it changes every month and the cancer centre just mails us one. So, its on us, and we dropped the ball.

Brady was already late for his appointment, and then didn’t even have what he needed. He ducked out of the lab and called the cancer centre. They told him they would send it immediately.

And they did! Aaaaand the lady at the front desk of the blood lab saved his spot in line, so he didn’t get bumped to a walk-in spot. Isn’t that nice? Usually, its very much a “you snooze you lose” scenario. This was very generous of them. It was such a relief not to lose that time.

We made it home in good time, as though we were never late at all. Brady got his bloodwork done, and I made two dish scrubbies. Its not a lot but it helps qualify our morning as productive. This afternoon holds lunch, more crocheting, and a phone appointment.

So. Many. Appointments.
So. Many. Doctors.

So. Much. To be grateful for.

I should not be telling you this. I will lose all credibility as a decent crocheter. But, here we are, talking about my BIGGEST crochet failure.

Let’s be clear. When someone is starting out, they make mistakes. A lot of them. They should make them! And I have made my share, don’t you worry! But my skills have advanced at least somewhat over the last year or two, and a loss like this is pretty much devastating. Had I messed up this badly when I was learning years ago, I would never pick up a hook again.

Luckily, thats not how we do things. 💪 But before we get too cocky, we put it on social media, to prove it happened. 🤦‍♀️ *sigh*

So. I’m making blankets, right? For the kids. Don’t tell them. Its a surprise. Anyway, Laela’s blanket was easily the longest process. The biggest blanket. The most labour intensive. It contained 240 squares. I worked on them constantly, for weeks, and then I attached them.

As soon as I attached them, I knew I didn’t like how I’d done it. It was seamless, but the seam was too tight and the blanket was uncomfortable. It sucked. But it was SUCH a huge job. I packed it up without any borders and decided I’d reevaluate over time. This was months ago already.

A couple of weeks ago, out came the blanket and the deconstruction began. It was a long process but it got done, and soon I was left with a big heap of squares.

I began reattaching them in a way I like WAY more! It leaves a little braid behind, which is a nice simple detail, but its completely flat. No ridges. WAY comfier to cuddle with.

Pretty, right? Right.

Once or twice, I came across a casualty, where it was clear something went wrong, whether in the original job or in the dismantling of the assembly.

It wasn’t a concern. Accidents happen. I kept plugging along, replacing a couple along the way.

Except, guys, suddenly they were everywhere 💔

The blanket basically disintegrated in my hands. I could’ve screamed. I did cry, no lie there. But goodness, I was SO upset.

Laela’s gift was beyond saving. And I can’t even fathom going near that pattern again. So I’ve picked an entirely new pattern to make for her. And by “pattern” I mean I made a graph and I’m just going for it. Its a bit of a free for all but I’m hopeful for it.

What a waste of time.

Not a waste of yarn, though.

I couldn’t imagine just throwing it in the trash. Yarn costs a decent amount. Even the cheap stuff is costly because you need a good amount to make a blanket. So, it is now all rolled up, and it will live in shoe boxes until I decide what to do with it. I like the colors a lot, and I imagine it will eventually be a blanket again. Just a different pattern.

No. More. Squares.

*

*

*

Once I finish Laela’s blanket up, I’ll show you all of the kids blankets 🙂

Yesterday was a big day. Not only did Cher and I finally celebrate our friendaversary, but it was also her late brother, Scott’s, birthday. Lots to honour and acknowledge yesterday 💜

Cher came and joined us for oatmeal in the morning, and we exchanged gifts. She got me some hilarious cards based on a show we really loved watching together, as well as a pair of earrings I fell hard for the first time we shopped together, but ended up leaving behind and kicked myself over for the last couple of years. I crocheted her a throw pillow for her room. We were both SUPER happy with our gifts. We lingered a little before going out to the city, where we perused Value Village for a little, and then went for lunch.

What is it about food court asian that is just SO good?

• 

• 

We Chered, as always.

We made our way back home and finally watched the first episode of the newest season of “You” together. Such a creepy show. We love it.

While the kids ate supper, I made a yummy dessert. I haven’t made this mess of deliciousness in a few years at least, so it was really nice to have it again. For those who are curious, its a layered dessert with a shallow cake base, cream cheese, cherries, and blobs of more batter on top. And drizzle. Its oozy and delicious.

Yes. It is as good as it looks.

And then once the kids went down for night, we made a delicious feed of blue cheese steak and crispy parm potatoes. I made it for Brady’s birthday, and it was to die for. We had enough blue cheese and teeny potatoes left for another round, so we went for it.

You’ll have to take my word for it. The potatoes look like nothing but they are deadly!

We watched Shanghai Noon while we ate our delicious meal, and laughed SO HARD. It was such a lovely wrap up to the day. There was quite a mishmash of emotions, and I can’t tell you exactly how good or bad it was, but I can tell you I’m happy it happened at all.

And that the food was really really good.

About a week ago, I briefly mentioned that we had a popcorn supper for the kids. It went over SO well – well enough that we wanted to do it again. Friday was the day, and it was well loved once again.

We all ate together. We ate two GIANT batches of popcorn – as big as our Schneider popper can make. We ate eight apples. Seven small bowls of melted peanut butter, with two handfuls of chocolate chips stirred in.

Twenty-one bowls later, we were done our meal and no one had fought! It was a win! And will probably become a regular thing around here 🙂

I wish bowls fit better in our dishwasher, haha!

This new dishwasher washes better but fits the dishes so much worse. Ah well. Better than no dishwasher, or a dishwasher that pours water all over the place and ruins our flooring.

Bottom line. The lack of fighting over supper is worth the ridiculous amount of dishes. We’ll take it.

Solly is the man with all the observations. Usually, they are the most obvious things, and we all just stare at him while he announces something simple with a look of surprise on his face in the LOUDEST voice.

Things like…

HEY MOM! I CAN SEE THROUGH BAGS!
Uh huh.

THATS DADDYS WHEELCHAIR!
Yup, we all live here, bud.

Stuff like that.

He’s five, so he also has some mispronunciations when he speaks, as you’d expect. Ls are Ws sometimes. Laela = Waywa. You get it. He’s a little guy, and he’s pretty easy to understand. It helps that his volume is cranked to eleven 25 hours a day. So there’s that. And that. And that.

The other day, we were driving through a residential section of the city with the two youngest, and Solly started talking loudly to Wavy.

IMAGINE THATS MY CROTCH!!!

I stared straight ahead. Where would he have even heard someone say crotch? As I was trying to decide if that was an ok word for him to use, he said it again.

THIS IS MY CROTCH, WAVY!!

I turned around and correct him, saying I didn’t like that word very much and I’d rather he used a different word.

BUT ITS A CROTCH!!

I asked him to stop, and told him he could find something else to imagine, lol! Quite an off colour game to play with his little sister, right??

I turned back around to face the front, but I still heard him talking about crotches! I was officially unimpressed. I turned around, and before I could speak, he pointed out the window and said,

MOM, SEE THAT DOOR?

There was a white garage door right next to our vehicle.

Garage.

Grodge.

Crotch.

*sigh*

So this one was on me…..