I want to say that I really appreciate everyone’s love and care regarding my post yesterday. Many of you got in touch over text and otherwise to encourage us. It was a hard blog for me to write. A lot of emotional energy went into it. Now that the idea is out in the open, I figure I should answer a couple of questions I was asked a handful of times.
We WILL stay local, yes. We LOVE our town and everything that comes along with it. Our people are here. Our community is not something we would be willing to give up. The idea of leaving our street and our house clump is hard enough to wrap my head around. But not this town.
Our ideal would be to build another house. Not because we’re fancy 💁♀️but because there is nothing locally for sale that fits our needs in terms of layout and accessibility. But that raises all kinds of other things. The big ones…
I am petrified to attempt to carry two mortgages.
If we sold first, where would we go?
The ONLY way this would really work out is if God intervenes. I don’t know how else it could happen. We basically need someone to buy this house, but not actually want it for six months or so.
God, we trust YOU to do the impossible, if it is Your will. Help us in our unbelief.
The last ten days or so have been incredibly challenging for me. My brain, body, and heart have been struggling, and I can’t and won’t pretend they’re not. I’ve been offered immense sensitivity from the people closest to me as my mental and emotional wellbeing took a fast drop. Thankfully, God has managed to drag me out of some of the muck, and I’m able to have at least some clarity, finally.
My grief is rooted in all of the change we’ve encountered this year. I’m sure that comes as a shock to literally no one, but there is so much tied to that. I’ve been very careful what I’ve said on the topic, for fear of people thinking I am carrying resentment. I also really, really don’t want to hurt Brady’s feelings. HE is not the complication. I say with a full heart of truth that I have ZERO resentment towards the changing needs of my husband. I am NOT upset that my husband is in a wheelchair. HE is not complicated. Our life has just changed.
And with this change, it means we have to let some things go. Some big things.
Its time for us to start talking about moving.
*sigh*
We love our house. We planned it, and watched it be built from the ground up. We dreamed about this house for years!
I’ve battled my love for this house since Brady got home, because he is completely able to get anywhere in the house. So why not stay? Brady is capable of doing stairs. But its slow, and hard, and tiring. Our modified bi-level has three staircases. He can do them. But just getting up to our bedroom once or twice in a day is more than enough stairs, and his body is DONE.
In this house, Brady can no longer race to help someone crying on a different floor. He can no longer help do laundry. He almost never has the strength at the end of the day to tuck in the kids who sleep in the basement. He can’t help kids put shoes on. He can’t retrieve something he left in his room. He can’t get into the pantry. He can’t turn around in the bathroom. He cannot even go to open his front door. That realization was the kicker for me. The man of the house cannot answer his door.
There are too many things that are WAY too hard here. While Brady can do stairs, if there were only stairs to the basement and nowhere else, he would actually be able to go down there a bit more often to be with the kids. Our master suite above the garage has been an oasis, but to have our room on the main level would now be a dream. Main floor laundry. Wider doorways. A bigger main bathroom. An accessible shower setup. Here just doesn’t work so smoothly anymore.
We need something different. While Brady is immensely capable considering all he’s been through, it is important to gauge where energy is most needed and best utilized, and it is clear that all the stairs in our house are holding him back from doing all he wants to do.
Once I came to this realization, some of my fog began to lift, and we’ve been moving forward in our thoughts and plans. We need some time, but planning is of the essence for practicality, and also my anxiety 🙃
God is the only one who can make this happen smoothly for us. We need a pretty specific home, and we currently have zero proof of income. But God can make it happen. He knows what we need, and He already knows the outcome.
Aaaaall of this being said, carry us in prayer, please. And if you have ANY idea of ANYONE looking to move to Dalmeny in the next year, please send them our way 💜This is a BEAUTIFUL house.
This may seem like a small, unimportant post, but I want to have my projects recorded on here. While I have crocheted for well over half my life, I think I’ve upped my game in the last year or two, creating more customized, advanced pieces.
This baby blanket is not something I would say is advanced at all, but I can see that I pulled it out and restarted twice. Hahaha! Probably not something to broadcast, but even simpler designs need to be made right! I’m really happy with how it turned out 🙂
I used a soft lilac yarn and the brightest neon coral I could find for the triangles 🙂 I thought it was a super cute design, though not in the standard baby blanket pastels. Once the blanket was shipped off to its rightful owner, it was confirmed that the colors were a solid “yes.” Win!
Aaaaanyway, such is another project finished! Onto the next!
You might remember when we tried whipped coffee for the first time and were blown away! I posted a whole thing about it, because we loved it that much. Since then, we make it often. Maybe every other day. Its easy and yummy and a novelty.
The whip is a concentrated coffee whip, and its added to milk and water. It looks SO yummy!
That being said, it does NOT taste good on its own. Its strong and gross and totally overpowering. It may look like chocolate mousse, but it does not taste like it. 🙅♀️
These days, Brady has been making the whip instead of me, and the kids who happen to be home are enthralled.
The moment the mixer stops, Solly and Wavy beg to “lick the whiskers.”
Secretly, I think thats why Brady likes to make it 😉 Because the kids are SO cute. As a joke, he let them taste it once. And they were thrilled! Even though I am confident that it tastes bad to them, they like being allowed to have coffee like the adults. They come out of it with varying degrees of messiness.
Wavy barely gets anything on her, and Solly gets covered, lol! Almost like he has his own whiskers!
Simple pleasures. Kids saying whiskers instead of whisk. I’ll take the giggle.
We are very name picky over here. I know many couples who basically trade off who picks which kids name, and the other doesn’t really have a say. I can’t imagine!! Kudos to those who make it work but it would NOT work for us. Brady and I LOVE naming our kids. We pour over names for hours and hours and hours. We used to watch movie credits to the very end and read as many names off as we could. We read through baby name books, used websites, watched YouTube “names I love but won’t be using” videos, etc. We work HARD to come up with names that are juuust different enough without being completely off the wall. Names that flow nicely with the chosen middle name, that sound nice when said out loud. Names that work well for babies, children, teens, and adults. We play with nicknames, and ask a small group of trusted friends if we’ve missed any obvious issues in the name. We. Work. HARD.
I wanted to share with you guys how we chose the name of our fifth baby, Waverly Violet. Her name isn’t the most common, so naturally, we’ve had questions. And thats great! Ask away! I’m aware that not everyone loves her name, and thats great, too! Maybe I don’t like your kids names either 😉 Lol! I’m kidding. I GENUINELY am not offended if you don’t love the names we’ve chosen for our children. If we all liked the same names, everyone would be named the same things, which would be boring. I don’t love boring. You probably know that by now, based on my childrens names. #redundant I will, however, request that if you do not like her name, please don’t tell me! I had that happen at her party when she was twelve days old, and I will never forget it. HER party. Telling me you don’t like her name, and telling her guests. Bad taste. Don’t love it, its cool, but keep it to yourself.
Waverly’s name has been on the books for at least two years before she was born. Brady thinks even longer, but he’s mistaken 😉 (Love you honey!) I found this name on YouTube while watching a channel that I duck in on maybe once or twice a year. She rarely posts, and they have such an odd life. I pretty much relate to nothing at all that she posts, but sometimes I just check for fun. And out of nowhere, she had had a baby. A Waverly. It was instant love for me. INSTANT. I LOVED the name Waverly. I had never ever heard it before, but it wasn’t super weird. Just different enough. It was absolutely my top girl name on our list!
Except I didn’t tell Brady. Because Brady has to grow to love names. I learned that early on. He is quick to veto names, but then actually take some thinking time and fall hard for them later. I was so fearful of him dismissing the name I loved so quickly that I kept it to myself.
In truth, I don’t remember the exact moment I shared the name Waverly with Brady. It was probably when we were pregnant with Theo. I do remember that I was nervous, though. When I finally croaked it out, I could tell he really thought about it. His eyes grew, and he just simply said “Yes. I love that.” And that was it!! There was never another name that even came close to hers.
When we found out that this baby was a little girl, we were SO excited to be able to use the name we loved so much. I lived in some very real anxiety that she would pass away, and we wouldn’t be able to use her name on a daily basis. Lots of dreams centred around that in that stretch of time. I actually had one dream that someone very close to us named their baby Waverly, and we legitimately decided to cut them off completely in order to be able to use the name.
Wavy’s middle name is Violet. Thats for a lot of reasons. Its a name we LOVE but won’t be using as a first name. Its also purple 😉 in case you hadn’t noticed that we like that color over here. It is feminine and whimsical and melodic and just exactly bang on for our Waverly. We tossed around one or two other middle name briefly, but we couldn’t get past the flow of Waverly Violet. It sounded the best, and we loved it the most, plain and simple.
Since bringing Waverly home and sharing her name with the masses (not actually masses) we’ve had SO much love on her name, and on her in general. I know for a fact that not everyone who knows her name loves it, and while I kind of wish I hadn’t been told that directly, as I said, I’m not offended by our differences of opinions. I think her name is smooth and lovely and musical and just so so her! She looks like a Waverly. Or a Wavy. It suits her beautifully. But SHE is amazing, regardless of how she looks or what her name is.
I haven’t been outside in a while. I’ve just been struggling. Griefy. Down. You get it. So I’ve been staying in. Resting. Crocheting. Taking deep breaths. Praying. I do believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not hopeless. No one has to worry. This is just a griefy stretch of road, and I’m too weary to run. So, I walk slow, and it hurts longer, but I believe if I keep moving, the grief won’t swallow me, and eventually there will be a lift out of the fog.
It’s coming.
Today, I walked the kids to school. I haven’t walked them in a while, but today called for it. I didn’t feel particularly strong or capable of doing so, as just about everything is extra right now. But it was necessary, so I did it.
The air was so crisp. I didn’t mind it. My adorable neighbour gave me some jackets the other day (because she’s nice and we’re both tiny women) so I had a cute, new-to-me jacket to wear, and I liked that. The kids I walked with were happy and energetic and polite. It was a really nice walk. I walked back alone and enjoyed the fresh air.
But myyyyy goodness. You know when you have been a couch potato for a really long time, and then you go outside and its colder than it was the last time you were out? My legs felt sore, even though the walk was short. My head felt light. I felt completely overextended. But I’m intentionally holding onto the enjoyment of the walk itself. And I plan to hold onto that feeling until I’m home from picking the kids up after school.
And then I’ll crash and have a cry in reaction to my body being so unbelievably tired.
I have to look back every single time to see what number of the series I’m on. I juuust about went with “Melatonin Monday: Another Part” today, but I figured then I couldn’t use that next time. So, I put in the extra one second of effort and found the number. Fifteen.
Aaaaanyway
I know I’ll kick myself after I type this out, as Murphy’s Law would have it. But Rowan doesn’t seem to sleep walk anymore. He hasn’t in a LONG time. It was really bad at camp for a while, and would always kick back into gear when we got home. There were stretches where he’d be up at some point every single night. It was HARD.
And now, he doesn’t. Or, he hasn’t. He is WAY more rested in the mornings, WAY happier, and WAY more rational!
I think some of our struggles with our Rowan are starting to improve simply as he ages, but I am SO relieved, and its clear that he is, too.
For those who don’t remember, or don’t know, alongside his Melatonin, Rowan also takes magnesium, a probiotic, and omega 3s. The addition of those has made a gigantic difference in his overall demeanour.
So far in grade one, Rowan hasn’t seemed to struggle as hard at all. I was waiting for a bomb to drop as he settled back into the school schedule from camp, and full time rather than half. But it seems as though its done a beautiful job regulating him and his emotions.
I am SO proud of how hard he is working, and beautiful his heart is.
I title this halfway jokingly. Its been a hard series of days, where my mental energy seems to be used up a little quicker, making me an emotional basket case struggle a little bit extra. The things that have kept me afloat aaaaare…
My super cute kids!
I was loving Solly’s fruit clothing choice. Fruitstume. Its hard to let go of the swimwear, hey Sol? And Wavy was being a monkey, as she always is. Before I stopped her from falling on her head, I took a picture, as most of us parents would do. Her hair is getting SO LONG!
Next we haaaaaave…
Crocheting! Surprised? Didn’t think so.
I finished this blanket yesterday. Its a throw blanket, so its not huge, but works for a decent cuddle, or a BIG cuddle if you’re a kid. I’m not sure what the end goal is for it right now, but its folded up nicely in my drawer of finished projects, waiting for homes. I’m happy with how it turned out. Its soft.
Lastly, we have pizzaaaaa!!! But what is even better than pizza, you ask? Christmas pizza!!
I know, I know, its dumb. But I was crying at the table and for whatever reason, I looked down at my pizza and saw a Christmas tree, and it made me laugh. And I needed that. So I made it up on Insta and now I’m sharing it here.
I’m sorry for these lame posts. I will feel better soon, I’m confident. I just need to give my body, brain, and heart a bit of extra rest.
I hope you’re all feeling strong and healthy and well.
With the change of season around us – summer to fall, camp to school – my brain and body are more tired than they were. Not necessarily more physically tired, but I’m sure you understand. The whole mindset changes from one to the next, and shifting gears takes time.
These days, my mental energy is sucked absolutely dry. I’ve been feeling on the verge of tears for the last couple of days. Not in an unhealthy way. But in a realistic way. I battle emotional struggles day in and day out, but recently, I don’t have the mental strength to get through them as smoothly as I did before. I’m definitely not as tough right now.
Yesterday, going back through Brady’s progress pictures and videos really hurt my heart. It was hard to see we had been and how much had changed.
A couple of weeks ago, I went into a tub of kids clothes to find Waverly some long sleeved shirts in a better size, and that pretty much wrecked me. So. Many. Baby clothes. And no babies.
Of course no one should be trying to have a baby during all of this chaos. Especially not during chemo! These are things I know. I’m still logical.
But we didn’t ask for this. Paraplegia. Cancer. Sickness. Physical struggle.
This was just so far from what we had planned.
When we started losing babies a few years ago, I started being able to express my trust in God better. I am both relieved and infuriated that He has control and I do not. I have often wish for something – anything – tangible for me to do to better our situations, and its just not on the books for me to solve these things.
I am so grateful that it is NOT up to me how this all plays out. I know God is in control, and He has allowed these things to happen. If it was up to me, this year would look completely different. Like, the POLAR OPPOSITE. A total 180. But. Then I would be doing it wrong, because that way is not God’s way. And I trust God.
I could cry. I feel so low today, for lots and lots of reasons. The obvious ones being the daily life challenges that are new and struggly in our home. The change of routine and getting up earlier. Kids being more tired after school, and therefore grouchy. My period. All my day plans fell through. Its just been a long week.
We recently discovered that something went wrong with our laptop and a bunch of our photos and videos were corrupted. Brady painstakingly worked through a weird hack and got the photos resaved, albeit lower quality, but at least we still have them. Today, we’ve been battling to get our videos back. Every video taking back from about mid last summer, as in 2020, it corrupt and while I can see the thumbnail, it says the file is lost.
That includes a TON of the kids.
That includes the entire RV build.
That includes EVERYTHING since Brady’s surgery.
I. Could. Scream.
I’ve spent a couple of hours now sorting through old iMessage conversations from months back, trying to find every single video I could possibly save. And it has been hard. Not only because I feel SO defeated, but because its been a whirlwind sifting back through where we’ve been over the past year. Don’t get me wrong. We have come SO FAR. I could not be more PROUD of my husband and my family! Praise God for endurance, determination, and glory strength. 98% of every day is spent celebrating how we’ve overcome.
But it was a punch in the gut to see Brady, the day after his surgery, flat on his back, unable to sit, pee, stand, walk, balance, etc. Where as, just days before…
