Yesterday was Brady’s last day of his fifth round of chemotherapy. Man. What I wouldn’t give to say he only has one more round, but alas, a full year of chemo is on the docket, so we continue to plod on.
We are SO grateful, though. Brady shows so little signs of wear thus far in relation to the drugs. The closest thing he’s experienced to nausea is a smaller appetite. That being said, for the first time, last night he took his chemo without any anti-nausea medication, and while its definitely doable, he could feel it in the morning still that he probably should have. So, now we know. And forward we go.
During chemo, Brady has been able to continue regular, daily life things! We are VERY careful not to schedule ANYTHING during his chemo windows, just because you never know. But just yesterday, Brady went to Saskatoon alone, to run an errand. I only expected him to do the one thing, but he actually stopped at the local post office to pick up our mail. Folks, I know this sounds like a small task, but take my word for it that it is incredible that he made that stop. For such a small payout, that most of us just pop out for two minutes for, Brady has to work a lot harder. I was SO impressed, honestly.
Nothing holds this man back. He was a hardworking, dedicated man when he went into surgery those eight months ago. He was a driven, motivated man during his rehab and recovery. And he remains to be a motivated, ambitious, self-starting man who LOVES his family and works HARD at everything he does. I say with confidence that he is no less of the man he was before his diagnoses. Perhaps he is only stronger.
Paraplegia and cancer treatment are big, but God is bigger.
I’ve been on my new antidepressant for a week now. And by “on,” I mean that I’m taking a lower dose of my original medication, and a very small dose of the new one in an effort to transition at least somewhat smoothly.
A very quick recap on what my medications are all fighting.
I have medication for anxiety.
I have medication for heartburn and nausea.
I have medication for sleeping.
None of my medications were working anymore. I mean, thats not true. They worked, but not enough. I was feeling better mentally, but my body was feeling worse and worse. My heartburn at one point was managed by four doses of one prescription, two of another, and then one over the counter stomach aid, and I was barely getting by. I was barely sleeping anymore, and unfortunately, my sleeping pill was the kind you can get addicted to. I knew this going into it, and felt safe enough to be using it as a short term solution. But as our struggles aren’t exactly over, the short term is getting longer, and my body wanted more. So it needed to change. It ALL needed to change.
Its only been a week, but I do have changes to report!
First, the bad. We’ll just get it out of the way.
My new medication is a drowsy one. At least at the beginning, its a very normal side effect. So almost as soon as I started the new one, I cut my sleep aid in half. And while its a very very small dose, my body is suffering through a little bit of withdrawal. Mostly lots of headaches in the mornings. Sometimes all through the day. My hearing is heightened and my head is so sensitive. My temperature is hard to regulate most days. I snuggle with the heating pad a LOT more recently. But I know where its all from, and I’m not afraid.
Also, the new chemicals are changing my brain and nerves, so its a bit of a mental rollercoaster. I dream a lot more. Stressful dreams. Kind of like the hormonal dreamsasters I have when I’m pregnant. My sleep is interrupted because I’m not SO drugged up, so I feel less rested. It all makes sense. Its all working itself out.
Now to the good! Please celebrate with me, even if you can’t relate or think its all a bit silly.
I have an APPETITE!!!!!
One of the “adverse” side effects of my new medication is that it can increase a persons appetite and they can gain weight. I can honestly tell you that I do not remember the last time eating wasn’t difficult for me. The last time I felt hungry. The last time I ate three meals in a day. Truly, I could not tell you. Within probably three or four days of starting this new medication, I was HUNGRY. In the BEST way. At EVERY meal! This sounds so silly to so many of you, I have no doubt. But please hear me heart in this. The moment my appetite came back and I started feeding my body, my energy came back. I was not a zombie anymore. My heartburn is still being treated, but my doses are down to about half of what I was taking. I get the occasional speck of heartburn here and there, but I feel more relaxed about it, and it goes away on its own when I don’t get myself worked up about it.
Feeding my body has fed my brain. I can think clearer. I can cope better. Feeding my body has fed my digestive system, so it can actually eat food with its acid again instead of eating itself. Feeding my body has made things SO much easier. Who knew we needed food to survive?! Turns out I really, really missed food!
I had a good day or two of wanting to eat everything in sight, and now the crazy munchies have calmed down, and I’m good and hungry at the appropriate times. I feel WORLDS APART better! I can even cope with the adverse side effects and withdrawal symptoms easier.
I know its only been a week, but I feel like myself in a way I haven’t in a very long time. Probably, I could say its been years.
I trust the Lord. He comes first, always. I trust Him above medication. But I also believe that sometimes, He gives us medicine. Wisdom. Guidance. This truly feels like its the start of something amazing. Please join me in my victory and excitement! I have ached for health and wellness, and it seems like it is upon me.
I know you know the saying. A watched pot never boils. I’ve used it a lot, along with all kinds of different renditions.
A watched microwave never beeps.
A watched rice cooker never clicks.
A watched pregnancy test never turns positive.
The list really goes on. Today, however, I was reminded that a watched pot does boil! It just takes WAY longer.
He legitimately stared into the pot until he mentioned mildly “Oh… I think its starting…”
That first face in the picture went along with a dry “Are you taking a video or something?” And then he heard the click of my camera, and smiled for the next one. But I couldn’t not post them both! Look at that cute little mug 😍He loves to cook, or clean up, or really whatever job we could offer him. He is a determined, driven guy. Just like his dad. What an amazing quality to pass down to your kids. Brady and Dekker are planning an oil change date this week, and I couldn’t be more thrilled!
On an unrelated note, Dekker made four boxes of white cheddar mac and cheese tonight, and it was NOT enough. 😳 I’m going to have to enter adulthood soon and make my own. In a baking dish or something. Like a caveman. Cavelady. You get it.
I really appreciated all the encouragement on yesterday’s blog about my yarn stash display cases! It was SO fun to put together. It is SO fun to be able to see what I have and dream up projects. It is SO helpful to actually know what I already own so I don’t just buy what I am looking for without knowing if I have it or not.
I crochet everywhere now.
By the fire. At the blood clinic.
During MRIs. Picking up chemo.
Lots while we drive…
Especially now that Brady drives! So many opportunities!
I have a VERY nice setup recently when I crochet at home in the evenings. I crochet in my bed, with a heating pad, and I watch Good Girls. The heating pad is helping me while I’m transitioning onto a new medication and its making my temperature go haywire. The show is easy defined as “binge worthy,” and the crocheting keeps my hands busy.
Its such a good setup for me. Definitely therapeutic. I am exceptionally grateful to have learned this skill so very many years ago. I never knew I’d need it, and I’m so glad its within reach!
Winter is coming, and I promised the kids new toques! Still have three to go!
Our bedroom is the area of our house where everything gets dumped. I’ve worked hard for it to be different, and when I get down to it and get it SUPER tidy, it stays that way for a good long while. As you can imagine, when Brady left, most things fell by the wayside, and our bedroom was one of them. It became a space where I didn’t feel relaxed in at all, and that needed to change. We have way too much furniture in our room and most of it isn’t being utilized well. So its begun – the big bedroom reorganization! Which feels pretty fruitless if we’re thinking of moving anytime soon, which we are, but before we faced that fact, we began the job. And I’m SO glad we did.
I had been waiting until the whole thing was overhauled before sharing it with you here, but rather, I’m going to show you my side of the room. Because its obviously the best part, and I am SO eager to finally post it!
First, we have the “before” picture…
Yes, it could be worse, but that pile of random stuff just grew and grew. I’d clean some of it up, and lo and behold, more would show up there. Meanwhile, the desk was never used as a desk, and the small white drawers were not serving their purpose of holding my craft stuff. The walker there has never been used by us. The tall box is curtain rods that need to be installed and haven’t been. The box under the empty hamper held who knows what. I don’t remember. The tubs held projects I was partway through. Everything. Was. A. Mess.
So. We changed it. In a BIG way.
I built there giant bookshelves, first off. They were heavy and beefy and strong. We bought them from Ikea, and my mom picked them up on a trip she took to Edmonton. They fit in her car with about a half inch of room. Better than just bookshelves, they are actually display cases!
They were a shockingly good price, so we felt justified in buying them, and I have NO regrets. I momentarily thought they were overkill, but indeed they were not. I had more than enough things to fill them.
Forgive the reflection of the light. But this is it. My whole yarn stash. It was spread out in tubs and boxes all over the house, and now its in one place, its WAY easier to see what I have on hand, and its pretty!! At least we think so.
Believe it or not, I give this setup credit for why I am crocheting SO much these days. I find myself working at it way more, making such beautiful things, and it is incredibly rewarding. I also don’t find myself buying colors that I think I need, but actually have stashed somewhere. And I’m gaining more ideas for the colors/types of yarn I have less familiarity with, because its all just sitting there, staring at me. I’m WAY quicker to grab a skein of yarn and a hook on my way out of the house, and crochet a dishcloth, scrubby, pot holder, coffee cozy, etc. while I’m out and about.
For all your fun custom crocheting, I’m your girl! 🧶
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Quickly, on the topic of reorganizing our room, if any muscle men would be willing to come move some furniture around, up and down some flights of stairs, we would welcome the help in the next week or two! Please!
As always, we tried to make Laela’s birthday special. We had a few more limitations this year than others. We had covid restrictions to think about. Brady being in a wheelchair. Myself in the midst of a med change. All things considered, it was actually a really challenging day. The morning, specifically. But by the end of the day, Laela was a very happy camper, and it all came together, thank the Lord!
We did the zoo in the morning. This isn’t the first time we’ve done the zoo for her birthday.
My goodness how she is growing up SO beautifully! 😍
The zoo was super low key.
Honestly, there weren’t too many animals out and about. I did get pretty close to what I would call a yarn opportunity…
Aaaaand quite close to a caribou who seemed disinterested in being in its enclosure 😳
The kids had the most fun just running and playing. It was really cute and very relaxed.
You’ll have to take my word for it that the video that follows this picture up is epic. Any guesses on who bit the dust hard and bawled at the bottom of the hill? Anyone?
All things considered, the morning was a success.
We left when it was coming time to lunch, and indulged in what we call redneck food court, which means everyone gets to choose what food they want and we hit a bunch of fast food places. We rarely do this, but its fun sometimes 🙂 Everyone ended up with McDonalds except Dekker and I. I ducked into the mall for some food court asian food, and Dekker got Subway. Then we went home and tucked in the nappers while my mom took Dekker and Laela out for a bike ride.
The end of the day consisted of pizza hut and presents. Laela ate her body weight in cheese pizza and chocolate cake, and she received some crafts, some girly cosmetics, some clothes, some cash, and a voucher for a shopping date with grandma. She was sooooo thrilled, haha!
She was though. Completely happy, all the way. It was a total success, and she deserves nothing less.
I remember Laela’s birth like it was yesterday. My whirlwind birth. My “did that actually happen” birth. I have zero regrets.
What a day.
Today, we celebrate that little life changing girl! What a year its been!
Laela has grown SO beautifully this year!! Even in the midst of our trials and struggles so far in 2021, she has only gotten stronger and more mature and warmer and sweeter. To know Laela is to love her.
She loves to wrestle with/harass her honorary grandpa, Tom.She is no longer afraid of dogs! The calm, slow moving ones, that is!She tolerates me and my crafts. As I made her hang her head upside down so I could tie her hair into a messy bun with a crocheted scrunchie, she quietly commented “I didn’t ask for this…”This morning, as we sung her happy birthday
Laela’s future career plan is to be a mom and a basketball player. She has selected her future husband from the crowd at the lake, and even granted him her first KISS this summer! 😵She wants eight kids and wants to stay in the town where we currently live. She loves her friends, running, and reading.
Laela’s heart is beautiful.
She is a nurturer. She is a second mom to the kids. One who runs when someone needs help. One who offers to carry away the dirty underwear after an accident. One who is not afraid of a challenge. She is warm and compassionate, and a bossy little spitfire when she feels the need to protect. She tells me “I want to be a mom, like, SOON. I’m already so bossy…”
I hope you have the most beautiful day of celebrating today, sweet Laela Hazel. You are dearly loved by your people. I hope you feel it. You are so beautiful to me.
I haven’t been secretive about the fact that I take an antidepressant. It started for pain a couple of years ago and I’ve gone up on it since Brady’s ordeal began. On top of that, I’ve been managing my heartburn, just barely, with two pantaloc, a zantac, and zofran every morning to keep me from barfing/gagging on my reflux. Its a lot of pills. Plus I take something to help me sleep.
Too. Many. Pills. You don’t have to tell me. I already know. I hate it, too.
My doctor and I had bumped my antidepressant in hopes that my overall mental health and wellbeing would improve, and in turn, eradicate my heartburn and other side effects from my anxiety.
The short version – it did not. I still don’t sleep. I still have mad heartburn. I’m losing weight again.
So I went to see Dr. Guselle yesterday, and she was SO warm. Encouraging. Validating. Understanding. We talked about aaaaall the fun things I have to worry about, and she was incredibly gracious in saying that I had every reason to have these concerns, and that the reactions my body was having are out of my control. We discussed my anxiety attacks and how they look, what I do to combat them, etc. She was happy with all the routes I was taking, and the way I care for myself in the midst of them.
We did talk about food, and how I’m having a real problem eating. How I’m trying to eat and its just not happening. Even food that I truly enjoy just sits in front of me. Always having been a small person, I’ve always had to defend my actions and my size, and she stopped me in my tracks, saying she completely believed I am not looking to be small for status, and that she can see how much I wish it to be different.
She went on to suggest something new. She said she wondered why she didn’t think of it before, but its probably because its a medication that is most often saved for the little old ladies on a diet of tea and toast. It is an antidepressant that is marketed to really help with sleep, and gut health (both of which I really need) but its “adverse” side effect is some weight gain. We both believe that some weight gain will only make my body happier, therefore helping my digestive system work better, relieving some of my heartburn and acid reflux. Plus sleep. Plus less anxiety. It would be a WHOLE win!
One pill could treat all the stuff, and eliminate the other pills. It would be SUCH a relief!
So now we wait, and try not to be insanely anxious while I change meds and mess up my hormones a little in the process. Please say a prayer. I’m ready for betterment.
It was a cute day. Four kids went to school today, and we were left with just the little one.
And then we didn’t even have the little one! Brady and I had a couple of errands to run, and Cher insisted on hanging out with Wavy! Its a relief when someone offers who you know actually wants to. And really, who can blame her? Waverly is NOT a hard little chickie to be around.
So we started at the blood lab, because Brady’s next round of chemo is coming up, and he always needs to do bloodwork first. So I waited for him…
…as I do.
It was a quick turnaround! He was back really quickly. And then we went to my appointment with my doctor. It had been a LONG time since we’d seen each other in person, and it was really nice. Felt almost normal.
I’ll tell you all about that appointment soon. Not tonight, but soon.
While I was in my appointment, Brady took the van and ran some errands. He is itching to do some woodworking, and in order to get into it, he needs to get his tools up to snuff. Some of them have rust and many blades are dull. So he picked up some items, and perused some others. He had a lot of fun!
Don’t worry. Post-appointment, I had my own fun! 😍
Everyone get ready for aaaaall the homemade Christmas gifts known to man, lol!
While Brady and I were galavanting, Wavy and auntie had a really, really nice time together!
She stole some of aunties coffee, lol!
Closed the date off with a “pic-a-nic.”
We grabbed DLMs from McDonalds on the way home, and relaxed/crocheted for the rest of the afternoon.
Now if you’ll excuse me, its time to take the hooligans out for a walk to burn up some of their energy. They are cute. And they are loud.
This isn’t so much about melatonin, but its about Rowan. For those of you who have followed and shown genuine care and concern for him all along the way, I knew you’d want to know the latest.
I spoke to the school’s counselor today. I was told last week that Ro is struggling with a few things, and has been expressing that he is VERY angry, OFTEN. When his teacher came to me with this, I was initially SO embarrassed. Rowan’s behavior has improved so much in the last year or so, and I was pretty discouraged to hear that he was struggling. I was warmly reassured by his teacher that we are all a team, and we all care for Rowan, and we want him to be as healthy and happy as he can be! She made me feel calm and understood, and I happily told her I would accept the help the school counselor would offer him. Realistically, Rowan has needed counsel for a long time, and I haven’t been able to commit to the appointments this year.
I make no excuses, and I humbly accept the fact that my kid needs some outside help.
The school counselor, Rachel, and I chatted on the phone this afternoon. She asked for a bit of history and how he’s progressed in his behavior, how we handle certain situations, and what the goals are. What I LOVED was that she told me that we are doing just about everything she would recommend. She said her ideas are merely tweaks to what we’re already doing. She says she completely hears my heart when I talk about Rowan, and she believes that are goals are the right ones. It was SO reassuring to my heart that she could hear how deeply I love him.
She gave me a few ideas of things she’d like me to try out when Rowan gets upset, and gently suggested some ways he might be feeling that maybe I haven’t considered since things got more out of hand. She was right on the money, and I completely honestly told her I am game for a few weeks of changes to test out some new ideas.
She will meet with him next week. I’m really excited to get some more input from someone who knows their stuff and wants to help my kid and, by default, our family.
