I’m a couple of days late, but Tuesday night wrapped up Brady’s eleventh chemotherapy cycle!

The whole chemo thing has just been a ride 😅 The first few cycles were daunting and scary. We had SO long to go. The beginning was just tough. Then, from the first dose of his seventh cycle, it felt like we could actually take deeper breaths, because we were officially on the other side of it. Moving towards the end. But then the cycles got harder. With every passing round, Brady is affected worse. And while we breathed easy for a couple rounds, they felt harder and harder, because the end was coming closer and closer. You know how that last stretch of waiting for something feels like it takes an eternity? Ya. Its like that. But what I can tell you about this cycle is that, while Brady was once again affected negatively, sick and exhausted, we know there is ONE LEFT. ONE!

For the first time, I can honestly say I am anticipating the next chemo cycle. I’m ready. I want it over with. Brady feels the same, though he is obviously not excited for the hassle and struggle that comes with it. We are both ready for chemo to be in our rear view, thats for sure!

I’ve referred to Brady’s chemo cycles as his menstrual cycle before, right? #sharkweek

At his pre-chemo appointment last week, Brady inquired what the next step was. As in, after chemo. Is that truly the end of his cancer treatment? Because that’s never been really officially confirmed. You’ve heard me spiral about how he’s having the longest cancer treatment cycle with absolutely NO tumour to be seen on his scans. There is nothing to watch shrink, or grow. So. Is this the end? Or will he remain on this form of “maintenance chemo” for longer? Do you want to know their answer?

We’ll talk about that at next month’s appointment.

😒

So we have the pleasure of waiting for that, where we will know the plan for who knows how long with absolutely no warning. Cool. Cool cool cool.

My vote is that Brady is DONE with cancer treatment, and we follow up with MRIs like he has been doing. His next one is due to happen in June. So maybe we’ll go from there. But I hope very much to continue on with our life at that point, without any ties to any scary treatment anymore.

Whew!

One more round.

Five more days.

Twenty-five more pills.

And then we’ll blow cancer a kiss, bid it adieu, and carry on 💜

Speaking of carrying on, here’s a song for you to listen to. Its a tear jerker for me, but very relevant.

Take care, all.

All bets were off last year. Undeniably. We couldn’t fathom anything beyond our front door. Maybe it sounds selfish, but it wasn’t. It was sheer survival. We are SO grateful for those who came around us who actually understood that. It was not everyone, unfortunately, but life keeps moving, and praise God, ours is slowwwwwly inching its way back into some semblance of a routine.

We used to go for walks every single evening. We started it a couple of years ago, and it was SO good for us. Here’a a little throwback…

In winter, of course, it all gets tabled. Especially now, as Brady can only get through so much snow/muck with the Batec. While we know there is still more snow to come, we have gone on a couple of walks before bed, and my goodness – I am SO glad we’re back to this.

• 

• 

• 

• 

I used to give them “challenges” on our walk, and these two (we call them the twins, lol) ask for them constantly. Things like – skip to the next driveway, run like a stickman, side step to the tree, flap your arms – stuff like that. When they get far enough ahead, I usually call for them to do jumping jacks. And its usually when we’re at a familiar driveway. So keep an eye out for them 😏

Our walk last night was fun. It was really nice out, so a couple of kids opted for hoodies instead of jackets. They ran and fell and played and splashed. They got SOAKED, and they had SO much fun 💜

• 

• 

I am incredibly grateful for my family 💜

We went to the rink, because Solly wanted to go run the sidewalk and ramps around the entrance. Brady joined in, too, and got a little aggressive with it. This is his face after he almost hit me.

He’s a goof. He had it under control. Still.

Aaaaand then Solly wiped out twice and accidentally pooped his pants a little 🤦🏼‍♀️

Soooo we went home. Lol!

No regrets. Not one. I know where we live, and I know it means there is still more snowy weather to come. But man. How amazing would it be if it all just stayed away and we could reinstate evening walks already??

We’ll enjoy them while we can 💜

Ok. Don’t judge me.

You know when you make reeeaaally good meals, and your kids kind of turn up their noses and ask for bread with butter? Right. I think you guys have either lived it or can picture it pretty clearly. Most of my kids are very suspicious of any and all “new” food. So that is why Brady and I sometimes eat after the kids go to bed – so we can enjoy good, real food without having to fight with anyone. To be clear, we do often eat the same things as them, and we eat with them LOTS! They are not left or neglected. But to be able to eat and enjoy our food is a pretty nice thing when we get the chance!

An example. Steak. Steak is SUCH a good meal, but goodness, our non-meat eating kids would be so unhappy. We would be riding them to eat their food the whole time, meanwhile wasting more money than average on steaks for kids who didn’t want or appreciate them. Make sense? Yes. Yes it does.

Over the weekend, we had some celebrating to do, and my mom ordered in Chinese for however wanted it. That wound up to be the adults, and Dekker! Dekker has never had asian food, but he was SO gung ho to try!!

Dekker 👏 eats 👏 everything. 👏 He is SUCH a good eater. I love feeding him. This was a first, and he was SO excited! Even when it took longer than we wanted to get it to the house and on the table, he was fine to wait while everyone else ate their KD, as they chose.

Well, friends. It was a success.

This is one happy dude. He tried everything, and happily received more of this and that as he ate. It sounds dumb, but it was fun to watch him try all kinds of new things and choose his favorites. Lemon chicken was a big one. Lemon sauce could go on anything he ate. Sweet and sour pork. Rice, and skinny noodles above the fat noodles. Chicken balls, lol!

It was SO fun to eat with him, and I know he LOVED eating with just the grown ups. As a kid, who didn’t feel SO important when they were singled out to join the adults in the room? I know I did. And I really enjoyed seeing him thrive in that element.

I know I’m supposed to dread him aging and growing up, but I don’t 💜 Its such a treat to know him.

After having a conversation the other day about how badly we still need to move, I find myself newly fired up to speak up for my family and try to find a solution.

We find ourselves in and around tax time. As self-employed people, securing a mortgage is hugely dependant on two good tax years. That reassures your lender that you’re good at your job, consistent with receiving income, and reliable to pay money back. Its completely justified. And at this point, once taxes are done, we are giving away one of those tax years. Now, behind us, we have ONE good tax year, and one income-free year.

*barf*

Well then, guys, get some income!

Cool. Yup, that sounds good.

Except its not that simple.

Forgive me if I’m repeating myself and you know all this. Bear with me.

The amount of disability benefits we receive per year does not even come close to what we need to survive. Maybe six months. No more than that. Brady still deeply desires to work and provide for his family! But, the cutoff is 6K. After that, he loses all disability payments.

Read that again.

If Brady is well enough to make $500 per month, he no longer qualifies for disability benefits. None.

Dumb, right?

In order to get a house like everyone else, we have to somehow survive on next to nothing, or we have to find Brady part time work that pulls in FULL wage. I specify part time work, because his body does not hold up to full days anymore.

Biology lesson!

Brady’s height of injury is at T6, so riiiiight smack dab in the middle of this highlighted area.

So, everything below that is affected. Brady has some ab strength, but not much. If you see him stand, you may notice he has developed the cutest little baby dad bod paunch. I say this with ALL the love in my heart, and I have Brady’s permission to talk about it here. Its just the truth. Its not even because he’s sitting around more these days (lol) but because of the fact that his lower abdominal muscles are no longer working 💜 Unfortunately, those ones just don’t turn on anymore, meaning they will atrophy and disappear. With that, Brady’s standing will never be “proper” or long winded, so any amount of standing means soreness and pain at the end of the day. He HAS to only work part time hours. Its really his only option for returning to work.

But. If he returns to work, he loses all disability.

But if he doesn’t return to work, we cannot survive financially.

Hailey, can you go to work?

Sure, I could. Two things about that. Realistically, that leaves Brady as the primary parent here at home with Waverly. And while he is INCREDIBLE and INVOLVED, realistically, his capability to act fast in an emergency situation is not ideal. (Not in this house, anyway. It would be totally doable in the new house we deeply desire to live in.) Also, on top of that, is the truth of Brady wanting to work. He wants to provide and be the breadwinner like he always has been! He WANTS to be at work, and I WANT to be home. So thats what we aim for.

With every day passing, we watch our finances change and dissipate, knowing they will eventually run out. We need a plan before that happens. We watch our door frames get busted up, our flooring warp, and Brady feeling progressively more frustrated and helpless. We need income, and we need a new home. The longer we wait, the harder the move could be, depending on how Brady’s mobility changes.

There is an obvious hole in the system here. House or not, our livelihood is dependant on these payments, and something needs to be done. I cannot be the only person who sees this obvious flaw.

I want to be reasonable, and rational. But I also want to knock on some doors and write some letters. Who do we contact now? Government officials? Newspapers? At what point do I cross the line between justified into entitled?

We pray and we trust God, but that doesn’t negate our responsibility to vouch for our family and for many others I am sure have found themselves trapped in this system.

Help me, friends. Where do I turn?

Solly attended his first birthday party yesterday! He was SO excited – to a liiiiittle bit anxious upon arriving – to complete joy the moment he saw a familiar face at the door. He ran into the party without looking back. I told him I’d be back after supper to get him. He didn’t hear me. He wasn’t worried. That was a big success!

The party was to let out somewhere between 6:30 and 7, so being that the time was flexible, we decided to walk. I had bene itching to go out for a walk, and had planned on walking him there with the family, but we were late getting out the door and it just didn’t work out. After supper would have to do.

And that it did.

• 

• 

As you can see, rubber boots even came out! Jackets were overkill but we knew it was going to be cooler out on the walk back.

We walked aaaaall the way across town, and turned out to be among the first to arrive. So we lapped a block and bought Solly an extra ten minutes. Once we saw a few other parents go into the house, I figured I should be polite and go retrieve my child.

The house was TEAMING! It was pure mayhem in there! This kids very brave parents had invited the entire kindergarten class! Five year olds EVERYWHERE! But not my five year old. So I braved the party and went downstairs to hunt for my kid.

I found him totally happily surrounded by new toys and friends in the basement. He immediately burst out crying, thinking he had to leave NOW! I went to him and told him I would happily give him two more minutes. He rallied right away and started showing me all the cool toys. Once he had showed me all the important things, he told me he was ready, and we headed up and out!

I know he LOVED the party, but I LOVED the walk 💜 I ache for springtime walks after supper. That used to be out routine, and it was SO good for all of us.

By the time our house was in sight, it was just past the younger kids bedtime, and all five of our kids were saying they were really looking forward to their warm beds. Even Dekker, who stays up later than everyone, said he didn’t think he’d read tonight, but just go right to bed. And it was all said happily. Not in a grumpy “Thats it. We’re all going to bed” kind of way. In a comfy, tired, restful, warm way.

I hope for so so many more of these evenings. It felt like another way that normalcy is approaching. Thank you Lord for beautiful weather, even if just for a time.

I woke up to the sound of geese this morning. While its not anyone’s ideal sound – honking – it makes me feel like Spring is on the way! Don’t get me wrong. I know a Spring blizzard still has to happen. Its the law. In fact, if someone could just foolishly pack up all of their childrens winter gear, I’m pretty sure thats all winter needs to throw its final storm at us. Anyone willing to tempt fate to get things moving?? Anyone??

As soon as I was coherent enough to actually think, I thought of so many angles that I could take blogging about geese.

I had a mental picture of geese flying in a road rage kind of way, honking at one another.

Or maybe geese blowing their noses loudly.

Or just pinching each other’s noses.

Then I figured I could take a slightly off-color angle and call the geese “honky.” But thats a whole racial thing, and I didn’t know if it would go over well.

Beyond these particularly dumb jokes, all I could picture in my head was Michael Scott saying “Bruuuuuce,” except “gooooose!” Ya.

I don’t anticipate a single one of these jokes will land. But I sure hope the geese do.

We geared up for the gig for most of the day yesterday. The days just don’t have enough hours, so there were loose ends to tie up before we could get on the road. Practicing. Showering. Making supper. Packing up the van. Making faces.

• 

• 

You know how it goes.

But the time finally did come, and Brady and I headed out to Clearcut to start setting up. We were greeted warmly, and free to do whatever we needed to do to set up! My mom had also arrived, with Dekker and Laela, and helped us get couches slid around a little bit so we could have a better space to play. Carrie arrived shortly after and helped bring our stuff in and and set up the final details.

We had SUCH a good turnout! Ack! The place was FULL of people, both that we knew and didn’t know. It is really special to full supported this way. We had our families and some friends come out. We had some returning local people that we met several gigs ago. We had some first timers who fearlessly sat right up front, and bobbed and tapped their feet along to every song. It was loud and boisterous and energetic and felt like a party. We received applause after every single song. It. Was. Awesome.

We came home shortly after 8:30 to a quiet household and a warm, caring Tom on our couch. He had so happily taken on supper with the three younger kids, read stories, and put them to bed. I realized this morning that ALL our dishes were washed. He went above and beyond. Our family is SO fortunate to have such incredible people just across the street 💜

I mean, if this isn’t contentment, I don’t know what it.

• 

• 

Thank you, Tom, for getting them down so peacefully.

And thank you ALL who participated in yesterday is some way 💜 It was REALLY fun, and I hope there will be many more on the books.

Today’s the daaaaay!

We practiced music with Carrie this morning, so we’re as ready as we’ll ever be!

I admit, I felt pretty unsure yesterday, thinking we were really rusty and that it might just be really, really rough. But this morning eased my nerves. Not only was the music smoother and better than the previous practice, but also, we have SO much fun 💜 and I like to think thats part of our charm.

I tried to occupy Wavy, which worked for a short while…

• 

• 

But as soon as practice started, that was it! She was in the living room, taking my shaker away and singing her heart out. It was VERY cute. I threw some of that up on Insta if you go take a peek.

My final plug – come to Clearcut 🙂 We have SO much fun, and I can personally attest to the quality of their treats, both in the form of drinks and baking! Come on come all! I can’t promise perfection, but I do promise is will sound better than…

This.

You have my word.

Brady and I went to Saskatoon this morning to get his blood taken and checked for his upcoming chemo cycle. That was quick and easy. Brady is a pro at bloodwork now. Once it was over, we made a quick run to Home Depot for something little, and then we hit Walmart.

I have some food goals for the near future, none of which can be satisfied by Costco, so Walmart was the direction I moved in! We got some baking things, some scrubby yarn (trust me, my scrubbies are awesome, and you want a couple) and some wipers for our van. Our poor van, haha! The wiper blades started flapping recently, and today they completely folded in on themselves. So that was a must. Before we headed to checkout, we went to peruse the seasonal, summery stuff.

And guys. I could’ve done a LOT of damage. I resisted, but I did buy a few things.

First – bowls. We are a bowl family. I would rather have three bowls than a big plate. Its just the truth. Last summer, we bought super cute coral dishes out of Walmart for the lake. Plates were $0.75 each, but bowls were $1.50. So we left them. And we shouldn’t have. We like bowls. We needed bowls. This year, the colors are different, but the bowls were the same cost as the plates! So we got a bunch. Like, a bunch. Fourteen. Because heaven forbid we each need two bowls in one meal, or we just didn’t do dishes. Anyway. Bowls. Blue bowls. Fourteen bowls. I’m so happy.

Second – Food storage containers. Now, hear me. I know I care about these more than I should, but I am oddly excited for these things.

We tend to bring a few ziploc containers with us to the lake, but I never choose the right sizes, or I forget, or I just don’t have any at all and leftovers end up in grocery bags 🤦🏼‍♀️ Not ideal. These will be just for the lake! They are CUTE and the designs wont even come off because they’ll just be hand-washed at the lake!!

Third – we bought a toilet auger. Lol! Less exciting. Less cute. More important. I’m grateful for it.

Today’s trip to Saskatoon made me anticipate lake time even more than I have been, which is already a lot!

Aaaaany minute now!!

For a good while now, I have had my meds sorted out beautifully, and I’m SO grateful to be able to say that I am down to ONE medication! To give you a quick update, I am taking an antidepressant that is most often used in elderly patients who are somewhat wasting away. Unfortunately, as young as I may be, I, too, was wasting away thanks to my struggles and anxiety. My medications side effects turned out to be the biggest benefits for me. For the first time maybe ever, I had a real appetite, and ate full meals at appropriate times. With that, I’ve gained weight. More than I thought. I’m still adjusting to some of that, but I can tell you that my body feels healthier than maybe it ever has. The medication also helps with sleep, which has actually always been an issue for me, all through my childhood and on. So now, I eat, sleep, and function much better!

As I slowly weened off of everything else, my anxiety did increase, and my doctor and I have been working closely to find my appropriate dose. Because this particular medication is an anomaly.

On the lowest dose possible, I was completely incoherent in the mornings. Nothing I could push past. It was just brutal, simply put. Miserable. I would lose hours when I needed to be doing things to help the family run smoothly. And it did not get better with time. It was the dose. With this medication, the higher you go in the dose, the LESS drowsy you get.

I know. It doesn’t make sense. It should be the opposite. But its a weird one. And so am I. So that checks out.

Yet, with this, I struggled with going up in a medication just for the sake of sleep. Yet, if thats the right move, I’m open to it. So slowly, I’ve gone up a little here and there. And I think its working!

I’m still very tired in the mornings. VERY tired. But I think most humans are, and being that sleep has always been a struggle, mornings have also always been a struggle. So I’m thinking this is maybe normal tired? I am relieved to say that my weight is stable. While it was consistently creeping up for the last month or two, I haven’t gained anything in the last two weeks, so perhaps I’m levelled off to where I’ll stay. At least for now. I’m wishing there was a less forward way to post it, but I’d like to post a comparison picture for my own sake. Before this medication, and after being on it for a while.

• 

• 

I liked before Hailey, and I like after Hailey. After Hailey is healthier in a LOT of ways than before Hailey. But they’re the same person at the root 💜

My mood was still quite low until about two weeks ago when I adjusted it. We had a crackling stereo speaker than made me SO angry, I wanted to throw that stupid thing out the window. It still bugs me, absolutely, but these days, I just turn it down a little. I don’t turn it off, or unplug anything, or get SO angry at it anymore. I am WAY more myself. I also feel like the kids have been doing better recently, but again, thats probably actually me doing better 💜 Being more patient. I like being a patient mom and wife. Thats how I want to be.

I don’t know if this medication is a forever medication. Its not perfect. I want to be better in the morning than I am now. But I’m also not afraid to need medication longer term. Or to change things along the way. I feel confident. We will have to see how the coming months and years play out. I don’t have big plans. I do have some counselling coming up soon, though, which I am greatly anticipating!!!

I trust God to direct me, and I believe He is.

Thank you Lord!