The Daily Hailey

So now that you know how I look back on my surgery day, or my day of injury as it’s known in the SCI (spinal cord injury) community, I’m going to try to explain how I feel about my paralysis/cancer journey now.

Life is very different now, lots of times it’s a lot harder and I get really frustrated that I can’t function how I used to, lots of times it’s full of joy and I’m actually really thankful that life has turned out this way. I don’t think it’s ever been easy, physically. Everything, whether small daily tasks or big out of the ordinary challenges, everything is harder than it used to be, physically. 

But I am happier with the person that I am because of my cancer and my SCI. I am happier to have my wife and to see how our relationship, our marriage, has grown and strengthened and refined. I’m happier to have my kids close and to see them be challenged and grow as they watch their Dad figure out how to be paralyzed. I’m happier to see my kids become more compassionate towards people who are struggling. I’m happier to not be struggling with my sudden disability in a negative way. I’m happier to be a generally joy filled pleege. (My super dark nick name for my paraplegic little butt).

I’m not saying that I’m always happy or that I don’t struggle with losing most of the function in my legs, but I am very fortunate to still have some leg function, to have moved out of my depression (we’ll talk about that in a bit), to have a more authentic relationship with God, and to be alive, to be here with my family. Dang that would’ve sucked if I had died.

For those of you who don’t know, I am now working full time again. I was hopeful for a large part of my time in rehab that I’d recover fully and be able to go back to work as a contractor. I specifically remember mentioning to my physiotherapist that I had goals to be able to stand on a 5 gallon pail again, as I cut in walls while painting houses. She smiled and nodded while knowing my new reality before I did. It was that goal that kept me pushing in the first weeks of rehab. 

Probably around the halfway point of rehab was when I realized I’d never have function to that extent again. It was while watching a youtube vlog of a walking paraplegic who chose to function in a wheelchair even though he could walk. Why would he choose to use a wheelchair when he had gained back the ability to walk. I knew what I would do.

His answer? While he COULD walk, it was not easy. In fact, it used a lot more energy and concentration than he could afford in a day. For the sake of energy, he uses a wheelchair to move around his house, to move around in public, to go to work, everything. The most efficient way for him to function is in a chair. 

This was a turning point for me. I remember pausing the video and staring at the far wall of my room while I processed the fact that I too would most likely always function most efficiently in a chair. I had a little cry and called my wife and told her where I was at. If I remember right, she was already there. She had already realized this and was totally supportive and loving. She’s the absolute best, you should all be married to her. 😉

With new motives, but the same determination, I kept pushing to get better and more stable at walking, to get to the point of climbing stairs and standing at a counter while working. My new goal was to be able to function independently in daily life.

And I am.

I can go to work, drive, get groceries, cook, parent, woodwork, construct, husband, I can do just about everything that I would like to be able to do. Realistically, I do have limits and there are things that I can’t do anymore but I am very fortunate to be as able as I am. 

I had a period of time after I came home from the hospital, about a week, where I had unrealistic expectations for myself. I had decided that I would only use my chair outside of the house and I would use my crutches to walk around the house. I was not stable enough yet at this point to move around the house without unnecessary difficulty. I was wobbly and needed Hailey to walk with me as I moved up and down stairs. I ended up spending a lot of time in an arm chair watching my life move all around me wishing that I could be part of it. I didn’t realize it in the moment but I was depressed, I was incredibly low. It was only a week after coming home that Hailey and I decided to try bring the chair into the house. 

That was a game changer. I could carry my own dishes from the table to the sink, I could move as far as my kids rooms to spend time with them, to tuck them in. I could chase them around the house. I could make popcorn. I could go to a crying kid when there was an injury. It was totally worth the ego hit of using a wheelchair and not crutches in the house to be more able. The crutches only rule I had set for myself was unrealistic and limiting. I was noticeable happier and less tired at the end of that day. And I have used a chair at some point in the day every day since then, one year, eleven months, and three weeks ago.

I do not wish to go back to a time before my surgery. If I was offered full use of my legs again, I’d take it in a heartbeat. Don’t get me wrong. But I have no ill-will or hard feelings about my paralysis. There are so many amazing things that have happened since and because of sneaky little guy (my tumour). I wouldn’t wish to go back for a second.

I hope this makes sense, even if it doesn’t resonate, this is where I’m at. I’m alive and God is great.

If you happen to have questions about any of this, or anything regarding my SCI/paralysis please ask me!! I’m an open book. Ask away!

💜 Thank you, Brady, for the part two. We all appreciate having YOUR version of things on here 💜