Hailey has asked me to give my perspective on life with a spinal cord injury now that we’re two years in and kind of in a groove. I’m going to break this into two parts so you can understand how I feel as I look back at that day two years ago as well as how I currently feel about being paralyzed.

Part 1 – Feb 10, 2021

We knew going into the surgery that this was not a run of the mill situation because of the haste with which my surgeon had me into his office after my second MRI and then into surgery. 

It was three days. 

Feb 8th I had a second MRI (with contrast) to get a clear picture of what exactly was going on in my spine. This MRI was first thing in the morning and we spent most of the day worrying. I had a call from my surgeon around 3pm asking me to come see him at his clinic in the hospital the next day.

Feb 9th Hailey and I went and met my surgeon at his clinic late in the morning. He ran through a number of the same tests I had been put through for months by various medical professionals, all of which had said I had a herniated disc in my back. After going though these tests my surgeon showed us that I had a large tumour growing inside my spinal cord and said he needed to operate to remove it. If left, it could continue to do damage, possibly irreparable damage such as paralysis. We both said we were prepared for me to be in surgery that afternoon but he said we should be together as a family for one more night.

Feb 10th we sent the kids off to school with some big hugs and kisses and told them that I was going to have a surgery and I probably wouldn’t be home for a few days. Little did we know. hahaha

Hailey and I drove into the city in time to be checked in for my surgery around noon. This was right in the thick of Covid so the hospital was moving slow and everyone around us was masked and gowned and distant. We “ran into” a wonderful friend of ours who works in the hospital, right before I headed off to be prepped and checked. We got a picture together, had a quiet moment and then parted ways, not knowing the entire time we were separately preparing for this to be our last moment together before heaven. 

Deep breath.

I spent the next 2 hours in an exam room by myself for the most part. A nurse come in and took all my vitals, asked me a bunch of questions, and performed a rapid covid test on me. Remember back when covid tests took days to come back? This was right at the beginning of the rapid tests and they needed to know before I was approved for surgery. 

I spent the rest of that time trying to go through every account I could think of to type out all the important passwords and information regarding our life, banking, bills, etc into a note on my phone for Hailey to find. I’m glad this only occurred to me when I was already in the hospital otherwise we could’ve had a much more dark and sad last evening together.

They moved me down a floor and into a waiting area outside the operating room I was to be operated on in. I waited another hour there scrolling, wondering, anxietiating. Finally my surgeon came and sat down in my little curtained area. He just sat, we chatted a bit, he asked about my family, my worries, took time to explain what I could expect in the coming days and offered to answer any questions. It was peaceful. A calm before the storm, so to speak.

I’ve been asked numerous times by a variety of people over the last two years, “Did you have any idea that the surgery was going to cause paralysis?” 

The answer is yes, but not definitively. We were told that paralysis was a possibility but there was only about a 20% chance.

After my surgeon left to get prepped, I was brought (walked) into the operating room where there were so many people and so many machines. There was a narrow path through the technology from the door to the side of the bed they asked me to sit on. I climbed up on the bed while having a lovely conversation with the nurse that brought from the waiting room. And I don’t remember what we talked about in the slightest. She told me that they were going to insert an IV in my arm in order to administer the anaesthetic but that they would give me a mask to breathe into which would make me drift off to sleep first. I don’t remember them giving me a mask.

I woke up slowly to the sight of a dimly lit, white, suspended ceiling. I knew instantly that i couldn’t feel my legs, that I couldn’t move my legs, that I was paralyzed. 

But… 

I woke up.

A nurse came into view from one side with a smile and probably said something comforting, or maybe not, I don’t remember. A second nurse was in and out of view doing nursey things as the first nurse started to ask me if I could feel my legs and told me that I was paralyzed but that the surgery had gone well. They gave me a popsicle I think and I tried so very hard to be pleasant and conversational. 

Eventually they passed me an old cordless phone and with it came the voice of my wonderful wife, Hailey. I don’t remember most of our conversation but I do remember telling her that I was trying really hard to remember everyones names. She remembers it better than I do, unsurprisingly. lol

The next number of hours blurred together while I slowly became more aware and less drugged. I was brought upstairs to an overnight recovery room where there was a nurse and three other people under full-time observation. At one point I remember trying to call a nurse because I was thirsty or in pain or something, but my voice was so faint from being intubated during surgery that she couldn’t hear me. Eventually the guy in the bed across the room from me heard me and called the nurse for me. We’re still in touch, me and that guy. Kidding. But he helped me that one time. Nice guy.

When I woke up in the morning they moved me into the neuro recovery ward where I spent the next 8 days healing from the surgery itself and coming to grips with the big ole left turn we took that day. 

In the next 8 days I went from laying flat on my back unable to lift my head without a headache and dizziness, unable to move or feel my legs at all, unable to eat without assistance…

To standing and walking in the parallel bars (with lots of assistance and support mind you) and being transferred to the physical rehabilitation ward at a different hospital to learn how to walk and function and live with my new disability. 

I think it’d be pretty easy for me to keep rambling on about what came next so I’m going to stop there. That’s my perspective, what I remember, of my surgery day.

Yesterday’s was Brady’s two year anniversary of his surgery. Today is Dekker’s NINE year anniversary of his surgery! Yikes! Our family and February! I wanted to write about Dekker’s surgery today, but I wanted his input on the subject, and believe it or not, he doesn’t remember his surgery as a two year old. So rather, I asked him some questions about wearing glasses, and what he thinks about other kids needing glasses. So this was a guided interview of sorts, and they are his answers!

*

Once you get used to it, its kind of just normal. In grade one, everybody mixed me up with the other kids in glasses. I was never teased because I wasn’t the only kid with glasses in the school, or even in the class. I never had to wear a patch at school, but a couple of other kids did sometimes. They had really cool ones.

My glasses broke at school once. Jumped off a saucer swing and the arm fell off. I spent the rest of the day without glasses. I could still do all the normal stuff, though. I kept reaching up to adjust my glasses but they weren’t there, hahaha!

I don’t remember my surgery. I’m glad I got it though. Now I can see properly and I’m not cross eyed.

I like having glasses, actually. Now that I’m used to them, if I take them off, the lights are too bright. They help with bright lights. Its kind of just something I do every day now – put them on and take them off. They’re kind of just part of me now.

The only thing I don’t like about wearing glasses is when they fog up in winter, or when I look in the dishwasher.

I think the other kids will have to adjust to them, and they might feel weird at first, but once they get used to it, they’ll forget they’re there, and they’ll just be normal. It’ll just be normal for them. Rowan might have to adjust extra to patching. It might be painful at first, with removing it. Glasses will be easier.

The size and shape of Laela’s glasses is really good! The color in the corners is nice!

Solly’s are a nice color, and again, have a nice shape. And since they’re the indestructible ones, they’ll be good for him, haha!

Ya, a nice shape and color for Rowan, too. They fit him well. They really suit him.

I like mine. They’re a nice shape, and they feel nice.

Wavys gonna be jealous, and she’ll be asking to try everyone’s glasses on all the time.

*

Dekker is very matter of fact, as you know 😆 But he feels very important and knowledgable on the subject. Glasses wearing is old hat to him now. He sure broke trail for us as a young one in this department, and I’m grateful the younger ones will have a compassionate big brother to encourage them and normalize some of these things.

I’m going to miss the glasses-free faces…

But I will still catch my glimpses as I can 💜

I’m very grateful for all we have.

Bradys surgery was two years ago. That will be a hard day to forget. But I try to focus on how far we’ve come, not where we started 🙂 So here goes. 

That first year, we just survived. Rehab. Radiation. Chemotherapy. So many MRIs. A pulmonary embolism. Brain tumour scares. Walkers. Crutches. Wheelchairs. We just got through. Absolutely nothing else. And that was ok. It had to be. We made it. 

The first year was gigantic in terms of CHANGE. Absolutely everything changed. 

Year two was entirely different, but still huge. Maybe even bigger. 

Well, not at first. We were still riding out chemo for the first few months, but the moment that was over, Brady went back to work. He worked, and I was home, jugging the house things without him. I still had help, of course. And I still do! But it was different having him away. I grieved him going back to work, and feared that the guys wouldn’t know what he needed or how to help him. Lots of new. This year also has held an amazing amount of appointments with physio, rehab, family doctor, physiatrist, neurologist, hematologist, walk-in clinics, eye doctors, etc. Our life has been made SO much easier by having our doctors cell phone number. She is so eager to help us. We rocked the busiest summer of our lives, running back and forth to the lake constantly. We juggled work and play and projects and relationships and basic life things. We lived through normal things that we hadn’t seen in a while. I’m looking at you, endless colds with some pink eye thrown in there. Oh and covid, because, why not? We took care of some long time coming stuff. Neglected some other stuff. Made plans to accomplish yet further stuff. And gave up what we could. We’ve grieved some losses and celebrated some victories. 

To boil the sucker right down, it was a year of growth in the midst of great challenges. I believe for the most part that, from the outside, we appear to have it all together. And some days, we do! Other days, I just want to scream. 

We are well. Far from perfect, but better than we were, and for that, I praise the Lord. 💜

Ok, guys. Let’s talk about yesterday.

Yesterday was eye appointment day! Brady and I had gone ourselves to a new eye doctor in December, and had a really good experience! There was one time I had to bring Wavy along, and they gave her a full checkup and appointment! They were SO good to her there, and now that we finally have health benefits – with vision care!! – we booked the other four kids all in together in one big clump. And that appointment was yesterday! I took the kids out of school, and Cher studied at our house while Wavy napped so we could have one less person to wrangle.

Brady joined us at the office, and we took the kids in groups of two. We didn’t really know how it would all work in terms of order, so we just dove in.

I took Laela back first, because we were pretty sure she needed glasses. I decided to include Solly in our group, because he gets pretty nervous of new things, and Laela is super gung ho. So if there anyone who could help him feel at ease by going first, it was Laela. They both got through their initial tests easily, and got pictures taken of their eyes. To the waiting room, and to the exam room we went!

Solly’s exam was first. Our eye doctor is SO good with kids. The first time Solly couldn’t clearly see the letters in front of him, he went full fetal and started to cry. Without missing a beat, our doctor said “But we like baby shark, right?” Solly looked up, and she was doing something silly with a toy baby shark, and all was completely well. It was amazing how fast he rallied. He did really well throughout his appointment, and I was proud of him for how confidently he answered her questions. While Solly watched the Lego movie through some apparatus, our eye doctor told me Solly most definitely needed glasses. He is moderately far sighted, and has some pretty severe astigmatism. He can see the grand scheme, but next to no details. So. There’s that. We didn’t know, to be honest, if Sol could see well or not. He’s a tough one to read in that way. But now we know! And he was not put off by the news whatsoever. He said “Well, good! I was hoping for glasses!”

Laela could barely contain herself in her seat, she wanted her turn sooooo badly! When it was finally her turn, she scampered into the exam chair and got into it! Immediately it was clear she couldn’t see much for distance. She watched Frozen and the doctor went back and forth, better or worse, over and over. Laela, unsurprisingly, needs glasses too! Unlike Solly, she is near sighted. And to keep it weird, her eyes are very different from one another. She was not put off ONE bit, and was telling the eye doctor what kind of glasses she wanted, and asked if she would get to take them home that same day. An eager one, that Laela.

We left the exam room and headed to shop for glasses while Brady took Dekker and Rowan in next. We knew Dekker would need them (big duh) but Rowan sees perfect, and his appointment was more of a formality.

Solly and Laela picked glasses out just in time for Dekker to come into the room to find himself some new ones. His appointment was unremarkable. Slightly changed prescription. New glasses needed. NO eye turn whatsoever!!! Great success!

All three settled on pairs they really liked, and got them fitted and comfortable. We talked cost, insurance, extra, etc. Solly’s even come with sunglasses. Finally, it was all done, and we just all stood and looked around at one another. Laela commented casually “And Rowan won’t need glasses, so we’re almost done.” But the length of his appointment had me feeling differently.

Brady and Rowan finally surfaced. One of Rowan’s eyes is next to perfect. And one of Rowan’s eyes can see next to nothing. For those who know about far sigthtedness, one eye was fine, and one is at +7. That is HUGE.

In Rowan’s appointment, he had climbed up into the chair after Dekker. The letters Dekker had been reading, all teeny tiny, were still up on the screen, and Rowan fired them off from the chair. The doctor put more up, smaller still, and he had them all down. And the moment he covered his right eye, the letters completely disappeared for him. Completely. It literally took to the point of having ONE giant letter on the screen before he could read it with his left eye. When there were two letters only, he got one wrong.

The game plan for Rowan is going to be different. As you’d expect. So that day, he did order glasses. He picked out some super trendy, sturdy Ran-Bans, as well aaaaaaaaas… a patch. *sigh* We’re back to patching. Its been a while. Once Rowan’s glasses come, he will patch every moment he is at home. NOT at school. Because its going to be REALLY hard 💜 Poor little guy. His glasses will be terribly uneven, as one side needs nothing, and one side needs a coke bottle. Realistically, on top of ALL that, he also haaaaaaaaaaas… a contact on order. Of all ridiculous things, the BEST option will likely be Rowan wearing a contact on his one eye. Which is nuts, because he’s just barely coming up on his 8th birthday, and he needs contacts. Contact. You get it. So I’ll be putting it in and taking it out for him every day for likely years until he learns how. And thats ok 💜 He will learn. Because I truly believe this is part of some of his behavioural struggle right here, and I am SO happy for him to find yet further relief! Rowan will also join a vision therapy program shortly 🙂

Rowan said to me once we got home after his appointment, “Patching is going to be hard. I’m nervous. But! At least we know what we need, and we can get what we need!” Yes sir!!

We praise God for getting us all through a pretty heavy day, and for His continued hand in our life as we navigate a LOT of change for FOUR of our kids!! We also praise God for HEALTH BENEFITS!! For the first time EVER!! We order four pairs of high index glasses and I paid $130 of overage. We were looking at $1200. We are SO well cared for.

I know I could show you pictures of the glasses they chose, but I’m going to wait for the real deal ones, without the stickers and tags on them. Though, admittedly, Solly did try to remove all the tags from his so he could take them home, hahaha! I will show you soon 💜 Once they’re all in hand. I’ll leave you with this one at least, because it makes me laugh.

The three who are new to glasses (Laela, Rowan, and Solomon) will be reassessed in about five weeks. If you think of us, please pray. There is work to be done here, but we are here for it!

Its possible this week has been one of the biggest weeks in the history of weeks, and its only Wednesday.

Ok, this is obviously a lie. Surgery week was bigger. But this is surgeversary week, so thats part of this weeks dynamic, too!

The week has been loaded with appointments. Commitments. Activities. Phone calls. Forms. School stuff to remember. Its been loaded with memories, good and bad, and a LOT of physical body memory that is really fighting against me. My body is just itching to have a panic attack, I can feel it most every evening. Add on top of all these life things some extra emotional running around that is pulling hard on my already exhausted brain and heart. I’m functioning, and I’m ok, but I’m definitely not doing great. And there is still more to come.

I had plans for a pretty cute post to be up this afternoon, after some appointments, but I am WAY too overwhelmed to write it all out this afternoon. Hopefully tomorrow, I’ll have a bit more headspace for it. After my morning appointment. Yet another appointment.

Its going to slow down soon. Its just this week. I know more will come up, but the days of constant “one on top of the other” will soon be done. Aaaaany minute now.

Today is the day that marks fourteen years of marriage for Brady and I. Fourteen is a lot of years, but in the same breath, it really isn’t. We are incredibly grateful we are able to still be together after so much change.

It would be foolish to think things haven’t changed in our marriage in the last two years. Some roles have moved around. Some things are more difficult. Change is always a challenge. But what I can say with confidence is that we are better. Our marriage is better. We are a stronger unit than before, and for that, I praise the Lord.

This last year of marriage has been one of the craziest. It wasn’t surgery year, and don’t get me wrong, that was a big one. The biggest in just about every way. But this last year, we settled into our changes a bit more, and actually lived. We’ve made some big life changes, which have included some unpopular decisions, and our circle has shrunk a little. But our true village of people have not faltered, and we are eternally grateful for that and them.

There are no regrets here. None. Zero.

In the midst of everything we’ve gone through, I wouldn’t change where we are.

I love you, beautiful Brady. Thank you for spending these years with me. Here’s to the next 58, because, you promised.

Man alive, its already been a really big morning! Mostly good, some tricky, and just really FULL in general! Here’s the breakdown!

Kids got up and had breakfast. Sad broken granola bar cereal was still a win!

Got kids out the door, with appropriate skates and helmets for whoever needed. No one cried, even.

Invited Cher over for coffee while the layer of ice melted off her car in the garage.

Cher left for S’toon, and I tried (unsuccessfully) to move the bus into the garage so it could melt off as well. Couldn’t see out the window, therefore couldn’t make it happen.

Ran van forever.

Loaded Wavy into the van, wiping out on the ice in the process.

Drove to Warman and picked Brady up. Wiped out on the ice yet again.

We picked up our glasses finally and got them fitted and tweaked to perfection.

Got blood drawn. Picked up coffee and took Brady back to work.

Got home and got Wavy inside without wiping out. Heyooo! Got inside and out of jackets just in time to get a call from the school.

Loaded Wavy back up in the van, and retrieved a very pale Dekker from school.

Got home, unloaded, unbundled, and got Wavy some food while Dekker got into cozy clothes.

Made Dekker a teeny lunch before he abandoned us for a rest.

Medicated, humidified, and tucked Dekker in.

Tucked Wavy in.

Aaaaand then it was noon!

Wrote a few more important emails to organize some things, and had a phone interview.

Is it bedtime yet orrrrr…? 🥱

Being a not especially confident cook, its hard for me when food doesn’t work out. I’ve gotten better at that in the past few years, thankfully, and my family is pretty forgiving. The only person who is mad at me when food flops is me.

I had a bit of a rough morning the other day, and rather than sit idly and pick my fingers to shreds, I made a couple batches of granola bars. Simple enough. I make them pretty regularly now so I’m quite familiar with them. I still use my recipe but I know the gist. I made up two pans of them and put them in the fridge to set.

I went on to neglect them for a couple of days before cutting them apart. This is not uncommon, and is completely acceptable. When I went to cut up the first pan, everything just crumbled.

Ugh. It was SO discouraging. I’d pick up each bar and it would just fall apart in my hands. It was SO maddening. So I hacked it up.

And I decided it would be cereal. Boom.

Yes, I was as unimpressed as I looked. Thankfully, the kids ate it for breakfast this morning and LOVED it. So there is no loss. My ego took a small hit, but it was a very small hit, and it was rectified quickly.

I’m very grateful for my family who so smoothly rolls with the punches. And if they punches are delicious homemade granola, it seems like a win after all.

Mmmmm! Doesn’t that sound SO nice?? I cannot wait for the treats and crocheting to happen outside in the sun when spring finally shows itself! Until then, however, I will be grateful for them wherever I can get them!

Yesterday carried some challenges, but my dear bestie brought me some yummy treats, and I enjoyed them in my bed with some true crime on in the background and my hook in hand.

Still have to find an outlet to sell these beautiful, luxurious blankets! Did I ever even show you guys my camping one??

Anyway. I have not lost the crocheting bug, if you were wondering.

After rest time, I got to blast this cute thing with sunshine. As if she isn’t sunshine enough already ☀️

Doesn’t she look so much like Brady here?! Man she’s cute!

While yesterday was quite challenging, I have much to be grateful for. Thank you, Lord, for all you’ve given me.

I’m sorry if this feels like a repeat from just the other day, but some things just feel important to record here, after the fact. Going through past photos and videos is stirring up a lot inside of me. You may or may not realize, but we are very close to the two year anniversary of Brady’s surgery. If the exterior is doing its job, I probably look like I have things decently together, but the insides are screaming.

Anyway…

The other day I shared a picture of Brady setting up the Christmas tree in 2020, where his foot was twisted and up on its side. The one I’m posting today hits me even harder in the feels.

This was from our very last family walk before everything changed.

It was from December 20th, 2020. Wavy was two, and insisted on walking rather than being in a sled. She walked so slow, because she was SO little. And that was perfect, because that was as fast as Brady could go. He moved SO slowly and was SO unstable. Maybe a person wouldn’t notice, but from this picture, we can see he’s already kind of swinging that right leg out to the side when he walked, because he couldn’t lift it effectively. His toe would drag and he would fall. It was absolutely awful. I hated this time so much. There was no calm before this storm. Or maybe this part was the storm, and the surgery was the resolve. That can’t be right. I don’t know. But I do know that this part was brutal. It was hard to watch.

Family walks have certainly changed.

But there is a lot less physical pain involved. Thank you Lord for getting us through All of these things.

I can’t wait for spring to come when we can MUCH more easily go for family walks again 💜