I’m sure almost all of you have seen these Carters sleepers before. You know the ones I mean. It seemed that every picture of kids I saw included at least one kid in this sleeper. Because it was festive, and not ugly, and very soft and cozy.

We bought the kids these luxurious sleepers this Christmas, as a fun gift that they could all wear and match. We also bought a little bitty one for them to open together. That was how we told them I was pregnant with another little sibling for them.

Now, we’ve obviously learned of the baby’s passing. Since learning this, Theo’s sleeper has been squished into our 0-6 month rubbermaid tub of kids clothing for whenever its useful to someone. The kids still have their sleepers around, but yesterday, for the first time since Christmas, we put them all in the same jammies, just for fun.

Funny how little things trigger bigger things. I LOVED seeing my beautiful four little soft kids all snuggled up together! And I KNOW that a baby born mid-summer would never have worn that sleeper anyway. But it still brought up all of the feels. YIKES! I wanted that baby. Oy. My heart hurts.

I wish you could all come snuggle these incredibly soft people today, because they are SO comforting and warm. I’m SO grateful to have four beautiful little loves here on earth, and while I will NEVER forget our Theo, I am hopeful that we will have the chance to have more kidlets wearing matching jammies in our future. Not today, and not tomorrow, but hopefully not too terribly far down the road.

Let’s wind this up. I don’t mean to whine. I’m just trying to be straight up about how I’m feeling. And I’m still feeling a lot of feelings. Lots of them are sad, but some are hopeful and peaceful. They’re getting better. But I’m still sad every day. I just want to be honest. But I am SO grateful to God for the kids I DO get to hug and kiss every day. Just look at them! They’re so wonderful…

So many feelings. Just from jammies.

Dekker’s went to a birthday party this afternoon in the city, and the rest of us lurked at Value Village nearby for the two hours that the party took. I haven’t done a shop there with the whole family in a very long time, if I ever even have. I don’t remember. I have a vague memory of going with Brady, Dekker, and Laela.

We dropped Dekker off and headed to the store. Of course we had forgotten to bring a stroller, and Brady and I were both shopping for some clothes, so wearing Solly wasn’t an ideal option. And of course, the carts are small and only have one little spot to sit in them. So Solly rode in the cart and Rowan and Laela walked with us. They actually all did surprisingly well!!

An hour and a half at Value Village got us a greta haul! Brady got four flannel work shirts, I got a shirt and a tshirt dress, Dekker got a pair of jeans, Laela got the next size up in jeans, and a couple of shirts, Rowan got a sweater and a sized up shirt, and Solly got some shoes for summer. Big wins all around, for sure. We still had a half hour to kill before getting Dekker, so we got coffee from Tims and parked for a bit. Poor little boys just couldn’t dose off, and were therefore wiped out and a bit fussy, but they did ok.

Dekker was really happy after the party. I asked him his favorite part, and he responded that he liked everything. He told me his closest friend from school was there, which he was really happy about, and he said the birthday boy had given him a big hug after opening his present. It seemed like he had really enjoyed his time. It wasn’t all that long ago that he would never have accepted us leaving him somewhere unfamiliar, but he was very brave and made the most of it! I’m so glad he’s making friends and gaining confidence 🙂 That was honestly the main thing that I wanted him to take from kindergarten!

Now, we’re home. Solly is sleeping and the others are playing with the tv on in the background. Laundry is humming and Brady cleaned the island top off, which just feels SO much nicer! Its a good way to wind up Sunday. I hope this is all we do for the rest of the day.

I looked back. On January 12th, Rowan popped a two year molar that he’s been working hard for. Molars seem to take FOREVER because they have so many edges to pop through. Then, on the 23rd, Solly popped a top tooth. He’s been working hard on teething as well, and it was SUCH a relief to finally see some progress! Then, just a few days ago, he popped TWO more teeth!!! He still has one to go before I think this stint of teething is over. At least, for him.

This morning, I discovered that Rowan cracked another molar!! Cracked. As in one tiny little point has made its way through his gums. Which means he will be in teething pain until its all through, and for some reason, his molars seem to take WAY longer than the took the other kids! Ack!

So much fun having my kids go through these stages together 😜

On a separate note, I really had a nice, full day yesterday. My mood did drop a little bit in the evening, like I expected it might, but it was worth it. I got some things done, got out of the house, got the side of my hair re-shaved, and got to hold a beautiful new baby, which both broke and melted my heart ❤️️💔 I’m SO glad I got to snuggle him, though. Was a bit healing, I think.

Brady is working today, but its ok, because he’s going to have Sunday and Monday off 🙂 I’m glad its working out that way, but I do still wish he could be here with us, too. I kind of like my husband…

After a handful of low days, where I’ve been VERY well taken care of, I find myself in the midst of a busier day than I’ve had recently. Its not an especially busy day to others, I’m sure, but its fuller for me. But in lots of really good ways! Lots going on, and lots to remember.

First thing was first. I pulled out some chicken and put it in the sink to thaw. I’ve fallen pretty far behind in housework, so while the kids ate breakfast, I got a load of dishes done. I also started doing dome supper prep for a couple in our town. The crock pot is full and fresh stuff is chopped. While I was working at the island, Dekker slid a chair over to me. He said it was because he knew I’ve been tired and sad, so sitting might be easier. 💙 How lovely is he?? Then, almost immediately after, each kid dragged a chair over and joined me on my side of the island. It was adorable, even though it effectively sucked up all of the open space, haha! Just more motivation to tidy it up, I guess!

It was SO nice to have company!! And honestly, it felt great to prepare something for someone else. We’ve been on the receiving end of help SO MUCH recently. As recently as last night even, as our supper was once again brought to our door. So I feel nice and accomplished. Yay!

Also this morning, I’ve been doing a bit of calling around, making appointments. Brady and I have a date next week, which I believe I’ve talked about on here before. We’re going to a concert, and while I LOVE the band and haven’t seen them in a few years, I’m feeling a bit less excited about it, and have almost called our date off a couple of times. But recently we decided we should go, so we spoke to my parents, and they agreed to put the kids down and hang out while we were out. Last night, a friend of ours volunteered to come over even earlier and “fill the gap” so we could get an evening longer date!! Brady and I feel so excited for our date, and I’m realizing just how long I’ve been wallowing. So I booked a leg wax for Monday and a short appointment to get the side of my hair touched up. Time to feel like a human again!! THANK YOU, Mom, Dad, and Carrie for making it possible for us to get out and have something exciting to anticipate!!!

So I made calls to book appointments, and Brady called a restaurant and made us a reservation. He and I chatted and discussed a few things, so I was on the phone a decent amount this morning between supper prep and washing my hair.

Now, as I look around at my house, I’m seeing how much laundry needs folding, how much more laundry needs doing, and that my first load of dishes has already finished and there is lots more to do! With that, I actually have my shorty hair appointment this afternoon, so I have a bit of a timeline there.

I’m thinking that, even though there are still lots of hours left in a day, I can tell my anxiety amps when I do a bit too much, even if it really isn’t too much. So I think the bulk of my work is already done for the day. I’ll hopefully get another load of dishes in, but laundry will wait for tomorrow, and thats ok. Now, we feed the kids, I’ll get dressed, little ones need to nap, and I need to do a bit more food prep. And I really really want to save some more blog posts! I’m scared to lose momentum on that project. In the last week, I’ve saved almost six months, which feels huge.

This post has turned out kind of strange. I feel like my day is nice and full but just enough. And I’m SO anticipating Monday!! Brady works tomorrow, which is a bummer, but is a REALLY good move in the long run, as he’s sacrificing his Saturday to take ALL of Monday off!! Its good to post earlier in the day when I’m feeling more positive. Lots of good days to come 🙂

I spent a lovely morning and afternoon with my dear mama. It was going to just be a morning visit, which would also have been lovely, but I managed to weasel her into staying through lunch, and into the afternoon. Ok, I make myself sound pretty stealthy, but quite likely she knew what I was up to, and was happy to stay 😉 Also, being that she’s a mom, I’m thinking she read her daughter pretty well.

I’ve been having some low days. From finding out the baby had stopped growing, I had a really really hard week. Then, the shock had worn off a little bit, and I felt at least a little bit stronger. Still very sad, but better-ish. The last few days have been weird, and harder than I expected. Little things are setting me off, and I’m feeling sad about the smaller, less important aspects of losing my baby. I’m nervous to get into them on here, because I don’t want people to think I’m petty. I don’t want to think I’m petty, either. But I’m really sad about a lot of things, and it feels different than the initial shock of finding out that our baby wasn’t going to come home with us after all.

As a fun twist on my day, Solly has been teething like a bad monkey, and today especially, he’s been eating really badly. Just uninterested. And I should have picked up on it! Solly cut TWO TEETH!!! I’ve been waiting and watching since he popped that weird top tooth out of order, haha! Today he popped two more on the top, leaving one top middle tooth to go before that’ll all be filled it. Then he’ll have two on the bottom and four on the top. We’re getting there, and I’m SO glad he’s making some progress in the whole teething process!!! Maybe he’ll get some relief soon. Go Solly go!!!

I know, the title is deceiving, since February is actually the shortest month of the year. But February holds a few big days for us.

In order…

February 7th is our anniversary! Brady and I will have been married for EIGHT YEARS! What exceptional years they have been! I love him more than I ever have before, and I am not just saying that. But I’ll talk about that more on the day.

February 11th isn’t exactly an occasion we do anything special for, but it was the date of Dekker’s eye surgery. Something I always remember, and feel grateful for. Significant, but not in a “let’s have a celebration” kind of way.

February 14th is Valentine’s Day!! I know I have some vday boycotters out there, and its fine if you don’t care for the holiday. I do like it, however 🙂 I have a husband who shows me amazing amounts of love every single day, and on Valentine’s Day, we just get a little bit sappier, haha!

February 23rd is Rowan’s birthday! He’ll be two, which is NUTS, but also pretty accurate. Just before Christmas, I couldn’t fathom Rowan turning two, but since Christmas he has gotten SO verbal, and his comprehension has jumped unbelievably high! He is definitely turning two!!!

I’ve looked back on the blog and on Facebook, and we haven’t really been able to celebrate our lovey holidays the last couple of years. Last year, we were sick as dogs all February (story of our lives) and the year before that, I was MASSIVELY pregnant with Rowan, lol, and not doing too much. I’m pleased that Brady and I have an evening away on February 6th this month, to go to a concert! It was supposed to be late last year but got postponed, and now is the time! I’ve been anticipating it, until recently when the wind was swept from my sails, and now to be honest, I don’t feel like going :/ BUT I think we should. I don’t want to sit at home and sulk. I want to go out with my husband and breathe some fresh air. So I will 🙂 I’m hoping to go on more dates this year. Its a resolution I’ve added to my short list a little bit late in the game. More dates. I don’t want to wait until we don’t like each other anymore to try to fall back in love. I want to roll with being very much in love, and keep going on dates and making special efforts. I have a VERY wonderful husband, and I’d like to take that man out and show him off once in a while 😉

Brady kicked off our full month by getting me a VERY exciting present! It arrived at our door this morning.

I KNOW! AN IPAD PRO!!!

I’ve been teasing and pestering him about this recently. I’m excited to take on more of a role in the officey side of his business this year, and I’ve been telling him I should obviously have my own “work device.” Call me crazy, but this is the most fun item I will ever get to write off at tax time! Hahaha!

Thank you, Brady, for the beautiful new rosey iPad, and trusting me to not mess up your financial reports. Thanks for accepting my weird bouts of weeping this afternoon, even when you surprised me with such a beautiful gift this morning. You get me, and I’m THRILLED I have you!

I heard from my doctor yesterday evening already, which was totally unexpected! When her number popped up on my phone, I thought the worst, because as I said yesterday, I figured that if she took a day or two to call, it was likely nothing ominous. But she called the same day.

Aaaaand the results are good 🙂 Quite a bit better, anyway. It looks like I have officially dodged a D&C!!! *insert annoying celebratory noisemaker sounds here*All of my linings and internal whatnots appear to be back in order. My blood hormone levels are also on their way back to normal. HCG levels should be in the thousands in a healthy first trimester, and mine registered at a measly 40. Another week or two and they should be at zero.

As for the spot that we saw on my ultrasound… My doctor didn’t mention it at all, so I brought it up. She reread the report that the radiologist had sent her, and confirmed that absolutely nothing like that had been noted on the report. I told her I trusted her, but that I did see the inconsistency with my own eyes. I told her as much as I had grasped, and that it had appeared to be stuck in place, whatever it was. She seemed to have a moment of clarity, and said that it was very likely that there was a single area of my uterus with a slightly thicker lining, therefore showing up as a slightly different color on the scan. Its too bad, because as we’ve said, our tech was SO careful not to say too much of anything, and this is probably something she shouldn’t have said. No love lost there, though. I’m SO relieved that no abnormalities were noted.

It still seems like a strange thing to be gunning for, if I’m being honest. To be desiring my body to be without child, completely void of any and all signs that a baby did live there quite so recently. Its weird, and I don’t much care for the feeling. But I also understand my situation, and why we’re rooting for what we’re rooting for. I keep reminding myself, little man was gone a long time ago. Over a month now. He’s with Jesus. This is just the medical side of things, where his body needs to come all the way out before I can be healthy again. This is just the earthly side. This is NOT me wishing he was never within me. This is NOT me not wanting him. I ache for him. Ugh. My body hurts.

Its not over. Thats probably clear to anyone reading this. But I do have some peace, and some closure finally. But I don’t think this will ever be over over. You know what I mean.

*** On a completely separate note, I just want to put out there for anyone wondering, or in a similar boat, I am more than willing to talk gorey details. I actually almost wrote a post about it, but I don’t want to upset anyone, or share more than I should. BUT I am not shy, and if anyone wants to know more about my story, or ask questions about theirs, I’m here to compare notes for anyone who wants to but might be too nervous to ask others. Just keep me in mind, if you need, or even just want to know more. I’ve just tried to keep the level of ick factor down for the weaker stomachs and the handful of male readers I have 🙂 Just in case.

I went in this morning for what I hope was my last scan in this chapter of our lives. I drank the water, and waited the hour, and saw the same tech who I’ve come to really like. She seemed standoffish at our first scan but we’ve figured her out and she’s warmed up to us.

As the rules are, she really can’t say anything. She did mention, though, that things are looking much better. No big thick vessels left. It seems like things have definitely improved. That being said, though, she didn’t say it was all gone. So we’ll see what the radiologist passes along to my doctor. I did see a mark, right in the centre of my uterus, on the screen. She mentioned that it didn’t have any “flow,” meaning it was stuck in place. Very casually, she said “Could be a scar, or a cyst…” So needless to say, I’m not feeling as “at ease” as I was hoping I would.

I’m doing my best not to jump to any conclusions. If there is something urgent or scary, I think my doctor would call me sooner than later. And if I don’t get a call for a day or two, then it can’t be that bad, right? But I am anticipating her call, obviously.

After my ultrasound, I got my blood taken, so I’ll likely hear back about that at the same time as my other results.

We spent the rest of the day running errands and getting small things accomplished. It doesn’t feel like we did much, but I got carsick towards the end and I can’t seem to shake of the nauseous feeling. I’m embarrassed to think I may have overdone it, even though I did so little. So now, I’m laying in bed, eating crackers, and taking a break. We shall see what (if anything) the evening holds.

Thanks so much to those of you who continue to check on me and show me love and concern. This has been an incredible time of learning for me, and realizing just how good we have it, even when it feels like so many important things are being taken away. We are SO incredibly blessed.

This next week should be interesting. Maybe not to you guys, but to me. I’m very lucky that Brady had a short break in his schedule, and will be home for a few days!! This opens a few doors for us to get a small handful of things done around here. After the rocky weeks of sickness, headaches, and then finding out we’d lost our sweet baby, time has flown, and it seems as thought we’ve been down and out in one way or another all winter. We had SO MANY goal for winter, none of which were accomplished. We feel like this is a tiny window of opportunity, and we’re hoping to get a start on one or two things, anyway.

First of all, and most importantly, I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning. I know, I’ve had a handful recently. This is likely my last one, and it will hopefully confirm that all remnants and tissues from our baby are gone and out of my body. While this is a weird thing to hope for, the reality is that if I do still have pieces left in there, I’ll end up in the hospital anyway, having to get them removed. I’ve been trying to avoid that this whole time, so tomorrow is sort of “moment of truth-ish.” If you would, please do pray that my body has done its job, and that I can be free and clear of any risks or infections.

After that morning appointment, we have to make another appointment, but this one to get our phones fixed. We had an appointment to get our phones put through the recall program, and it all kind of happened right in the middle of us finding out we’d lost Theo. The batteries arrived well on time, early last week, but things were very up in the air for us, and we couldn’t be making any unnecessary time commitments. Now, we’re in the position to get that all taken care of, so we’re fitting that in tomorrow.

I’m not sure how much more we’ll fit into the next two days, but we have a few projects to finish around the house. Un-squeak all the doors and poly the garage (since we insulated it before Christmas.) Those are the current priorities. But on top of that, I want the great purge to begin. I feel like we purged our stuff like crazy with all of our moves last year, so if it just turns out to the great organization, thats good too. But I want to purge as much as we can, and reorganize and distribute the rest as best as we can, so we can be as prepared as possible to get going on our basement! There will be some stuff living down there as we finish it. Its just reality. But the less we have to move and work around, the better! I’ve already gone through a few smaller sections of stuff we have boxed up. Sadly, its mostly boxed back up and put back downstairs, but we got rid of what we could, and the rest is at least ultra-organized.

Thursday and Friday won’t be too eventful, but we’re hoping to make all of our appointments, accomplish a ton, rest, AND get Brady better in the next three days. Oh, and ideally, we’d come out of them still liking each other. Wish us luck!!

I asked a couple of days ago if anyone was interested in reading about my first prenatal appointment with this pregnancy. A few of you said you would be, so I’m posting it today. It was nice to read back through it and remember my excitement for the months to come. Still so many emotions over here, but nobody said pregnancy is easy, no matter how it turns out. Well worth the risk.

*****

i had my first prenatal appointment today, marking the beginning of my fifth pregnancy! As much as often people don’t like going to the doctor, its not a secret that I love my doctor, and I really love my prenatal appointments. With Laela throwing up the day before, I had arranged that Brady come home and watch the kids (Dekker was at school) rather than me trying to arrange for someone else to do it and possibly spread the sickness. I would always rather we go together, but this just had to be this way.

With the amount of sickness around here recently, I’ve been struggling with feeling like a good mom. I know sickness happens, but with my hormones starting to rage and the fatigue beginning, I was getting down on myself pretty hard. I drove to my appointment, trying to prepare how I might bring this up to Dr. Guselle without sounding crazy.

I got called back to my appointment a few minutes early. I was weighed, and my number was EXACTLY what I had hoped to start this pregnancy at, so that felt like a small victory. My blood pressure was higher than usual, but I had been working myself up quite a bit on my drive over, so I wasn’t surprised. I only waited in the exam room for a couple of minutes before Dr. Guselle arrived.

The first thing she told me was that the moment she saw me on her schedule, she opened up a prenatal page on her computer. This was before she even saw I was there for a prenatal appointment. She made a joke that she just subconsciously knew. She probably did.

First thing was first. She started gathering the requisitions for blood work and ultrasounds, just to get the paperwork out of the way. As she did that, out of the blue, she began asking about my family, and Brady’s family. Where they all lived, how often we saw them, how our dynamic was. It felt like we were just visiting. I loved it. It was very, very natural. I feel like, if not for our doctor-patient relationship, we’d be really easy friends. Once the forms were printed off, we had a laugh about how quick that part had went (we’re old pros by now) and she jumped into the long list of questions regarding genetic sicknesses, general family health, etc.

When she asked how my mood was, I told her it had been a rough week or so. I tried to roll it off but she pressed just a little. I really wanted to tell her. She feels SO safe. So I did. I told her I felt incapable, and like I wasn’t doing a good job of keeping my kids safe and well. I told her how Dekker’s ear infection medicine ran our four doses early, and that I had been SO careful, yet still we were short, and it made me feel crazy and too disorganized to help my kids when they were sick. She was SO reassuring and told me that one day short on his medicine would be ok. She said the ten day dosage allotted for spills, kids refusing it on and off, etc., and that I was doing better than most for getting nine full days in. I told her next that we were struggling with Solly. He had lost weight at his recent appointment for his shots, and since then we’ve been trying to fill him up, but when he eats more solids, he gets horribly constipated, and when he drinks more milk, he isn’t as full as isn’t sleeping as well. She, once again, was so reassuring and encouraging. She said she wasn’t even going to try to give us advice on that beyond “He’s a baby, and you will find that balance. You WILL figure it out.” She did have to ask if I felt like I was getting too overwhelmed or out of hand, and I could honestly tell her I wasn’t, but that by the end of the day, when Brady got home, I felt finished with the day. “And can you be finished with the day, sometimes, when he gets home?” she asked. I told her I could, and that Brady is quick to get home, change, wash up, and dive in, giving me the best break he can. She seemed to melt into her seat a little as I bragged up my incredible, supportive husband. I said to her, “I know, he’s exceptional. I’m SO thankful he’s not a jerk like so many other husbands.” She nodded a BIG nod and said she and I were some of the very lucky ones 😉 I loved that. She wound up this conversation by saying that, despite how I’m feeling in this case, she thinks I am more than capable, and that we’re doing a fantastic job. It felt really good to hear that.

We made a few more plans before we parted ways. As is the system at her clinic now, I’ll be with a student doctor the entire time, just running into Dr. Guselle once in a while. However, the schedule isn’t made into August yet, and she’d like to pair me off with someone who will be here from the beginning through to delivery. Because we can’t know for sure who I’ll be with, she just made us an appointment together in January, and I agreed to a few med students joining the party. So it will be she and I, two med students (I believe), Brady, and all four kids!! So it’ll be a bit of a mad house. But I’m SO looking forward to it, because that will be our heartbeat appointment!!! She said the medical students usually love coming in for prenatals, so I hope its as much fun then as I feel it will be now 🙂

I handed Dr. Guselle a Christmas card on the way out, and walked to my vehicle feeling positive and uplifted, which is SUCH a special gift every time I see her. I feel cared for, and excited about the future! I feel like my secret of feeling insufficient is out in the open now, which is a huge relief, because in Christian circles, it would be as though I now have an accountability partner. I know she will check on my mood every time we talk, and I can tell her honestly how I’m doing.

Unlike my drive to my appointment, I drove home and sang to my music for a little while, before calling my mom and telling her all about my appointment and how much better I felt. This morning was SUCH a good morning.

*****

I really really wish we had gotten to that exciting second prenatal appointment, but I hope and pray we’ll get another shot at a prenatal appointment in the future. Hopefully more than one, even 🙂