Poor Dekker.

I got a call from the school today. Its probably our third in the last two weeks, so it feels like a lot. One hadn’t been a bit deal – asking for some of Laela’s information so she could be added to the list of kindergarteners. Another was the call that Dekker had thrown up last week. And now today.

Dekker had fallen during recess and was pretty upset about it. However, he had requested to come home. Now I really don’t want to be the mom who comes and picks up her kid for every little bump and bruise. But his teacher seemed to think he wasn’t being totally unreasonable, and asked if I wanted to chat with him. We had a little phone convo, and he admitted that he wanted to come home because he was mad, and that he was scared to fall at recess again. I reminded him that he sometimes falls at home, too. He agreed to try to be brave and stay at school.

But then I heard him make this sound. Dare I ask you all try to make it while you read this? Lol! close your mouth all the way, with your teeth clenched together. Then blow some air out. See how your whole face kid of flaps? How make a crying sound like that. That is the sound Dekker makes when he’s trying not to cry. And he made that sound as he walked away from the phone.

When his teacher came back on, I told her I didn’t want to be harsh and leave him there if he should really come home, and I wanted to be compassionate, but I didn’t want to start a bad thing. She was honest and said it would be fine either way, but that he was pretty choked, and without actually saying it to me, I got the vibe that he was somewhat disrupting the class. So I agreed to come get him.

So, here’s the story. Dekker was playing on the snow hill in the playground and another kid kind of jumped and fell into him. Dekker said he tried to jump over him, but it clearly didn’t work out with the ice factor, and he landed on his face. There was some concern that he may have bit through his lip, but thankfully, we’re in the clear on that one. He definitely bit his lip, and its clawed up on the outside and the inside, but not through! Win! I brought him home and marched him directly up to my room where we took some quiet minutes, made sure he was all clean, and “put some stuff on it.” Lol! “Stuff” fixes everything around here. Sometimes the stuff is lotion, or chapstick, or warm water. But in this case, I rubbed a bit of polysporin on it and he was satisfied. It had been his only request. “Can we just go home so you can put some stuff on it?” Yes, of course.

So, stuff was administered and soon after, lunch was had, and 3/4 kids are napping. Dekker is up and relaxing. He’s definitely fine, but sometimes the reassurance is worth the half day at school. Its hard to get hurt away from home! He does it often, and he usually bounces back no problem. But he was swollen and scraped, and frankly, no one at school was his mommy. Its just different. School has different “stuff.” They wear gloves when they look in his mouth. No one kisses him there. All of these things make sense, but they’re just not home. So, now he’s home, and that was the right move this time <3

Brady should be home shortly, and I’m looking forward to a relaxed evening with the lovies.

I was feeling a bit stumped on what to write today, which often results in a boring post, if we’re being honest. Brady suggested I write about the kids recent accomplishments and changes. Being that my head is full, both figuratively and literally (still working on these plugged ears) I told him I couldn’t think of any. Mother of the year award clearly does not go to me! Haha! He texted me back and he was SO right! Our kids have been doing some exciting new things recently that I should absolutely have on record!

Dekker’s newest accomplishment comes along with school. His class has started skating, and we had never taken him before! The first day of skating was last week, and I debated going to help tie skates and lend a hand, but my back pain was pretty out of control and I opted to stay home. Plus, I figured with Dekker being completely new at it, he might attach himself to me, and I didn’t want that to happen. Sometimes they just do better without mom and dad there, you know? So I asked him how it went after school that day, and he said he fell a lot but that he had liked it! Just yesterday, he skated for a second time. He excitedly told me after school that he still fell down, but less. Not too long ago, it was me saying stuff like that to him, reminding him that falling down is ok, and that he was improving, but he wouldn’t be able to see past falling and failure. But he is SO comfortable with it all of a sudden! I am SUCH a proud mama! My timid little boy is getting bigger and older and more confident with every day, and it is just so exciting to see it happen!

Laela has been working HARD on her letters! We bought her a pre-k workbook a while back, really just for fun, and she took to it quickly. She would be upset when “her homework” was done. She has since finished the work book and is asking for more, so we’ve started her on the kindergarten one. Just to practice writing letters and such. She already holds her pencil perfectly! The other day, she was done her page, and Dekker was still working on his homework, so she asked for more. Brady suggested she write out her alphabet. And guys, it is the CUTEST thing!!

Sure, things are a bit all over the place, and I think she missed a couple, but I’d say she did pretty stinking good!! This is one of her “pictures” that I’ll save forever. She melts my heart.

Rowan has been doing some crazy things recently! I think he’s just about ready to potty train!! He insists he won’t until he’s three, but thats just less than a month away now 🙂 He tells me the moment he’s peed or pooped, or if I’m lucky (or yucky) he tells me as its happening. Nothing like your kid standing beside you and telling you he’s pooping. And the smell grows as he stands there. And then he tells you he’s done. Thats a bit bizarre, haha! But he is suddenly VERY aware of bathroom stuff, and even once, completely out of the blue, asked to sit on the toilet and give it a try! While he didn’t end up using the toilet that time, I love that he tried and didn’t seem too nervous. I think its coming! We MAY suddenly only have one in diapers!! Eek!

Solly’s latest talent is maybe a little late to the game, but I’m still stoked 🙂 He waves and says “hi” and “bye” now! And sometimes he says “wave,” hahaha! Just about nothing thrills my heart as much as him running to the window to join the other kids as they wave someone off, and to see him waving too, saying “waaay bye bye!” He couldn’t be cuter, really. For those wondering about his speech, Solly doesn’t say a whole heck of a lot yet, but in the recent week or two, he has gotten VERY chatty! All baby babble, but LOTS of babble. Thats what Rowan did, too, when he was on the cusp of language, so I’m excited to see what comes up soon! He says a few of the easy words (mama, dada, ni-night) and he’s starting to “help,” which is cute. He puts his sippy cup away after a meal, and he is juuust starting to add a toy or two to the bin while the kids tidy up 🙂 Its starting! He’s becoming a legit toddler! I’m not ready.

I couldn’t be prouder of my kids and the strides they are making recently. I am completely thrilled with who they are, and who they’re becoming. What amazing little people I have in my family!

Well, we are days away from the ominous 16.5 week hurdle, and as far as I can tell at this point, all is well on the inside. Its going to be a pretty big leap for me to eventually separate from the regular ultrasounds and appointments and the reassurance they bring, but no one is rushing me on that. We are waiting until there is good, confident fetal movement before we’ll back off of too many things. For now, we just continue to take things as they come. I keep dreaming I’m feeling the baby move, but I know I’m not. This anterior placenta is making sure of that! Stinking thing. I think feeling the baby move is still a few weeks away, though maybe prayer can encourage it?? We’ll find out soon, I suppose! While I wait for that, I should say how grateful I am for such loving friends and family who covered us in love and prayers yesterday, and the days leading up to yesterday. It was a huge day, and while I don’t feel out of the woods yet, I’m hoping we can move onward and upward from here!

Size/Comparison: This weeks comparison cracked me up a little. The Ovia app claims the baby is about the size of a dill pickle, but last week compared baby to an avocado. So I guess the baby is the size of a big ole pickle – one that is larger than an avocado. I’ll have more accurate measurements soon 🙂

Appointments: I saw Dr. Guselle last week for another heartbeat check, which went smoothly as usual. The baby was ALL over the place, wanting to be anywhere but under that doppler! Dr. Guselle finally ducked across the room and grabbed my phone, saying “You have to get a video of this for Brady.” I love her. It was super entertaining and reassuring. Hearing that heartbeat never gets old. I also had an appointment just this afternoon with my chiropractor, and WOW! We will discuss that more in a minute here, but he is integral to my body staying together these days.

How am I feeling emotionally: I will feel better soon 🙂 Thats all I can say. I am RIGHT in the thick of it this week, waiting to pass the awful milestone at which we lost the last baby. Without being too dark, this baby has already lived longer than the last one, as Jamin had passed long before we discovered this was the case, so thats something. I hope I can breathe a little easier next week, though. I’m just not quite there yet.

How am I feeling physically: Ok guys, let’s talk about this. A couple of things need to be talked about here. One thing that isn’t really pregnancy related at all is that I still have that ridiculous plugged ear!! It has some fluid in it that will just have to clear over time, but my doctor advised me to try and loosen up the wax in my other ear, since it was almost completely blocked. You might remember this all from a different post. Anyway, I’m doing my part in the loosening of the disgusting wax, but now that its loosening, it settles into a fully plugged ear position!! I woke up multiple times last night, hearing my heart beat in my head, with two fully blocked ears. It felt insane and I HATED it. Finally, I had to stick a finger in there and help the situation, which likely doesn’t help the big picture situation at all. But hopefully Dr. Guselle will blast this sucker clear for me at our next appointment next week. If I live that long. My other CRAZY physical thing going on is an unrelenting lower back pain. I’ve never had this kind of pain in pregnancy. I’ve had my crazy pelvic pain, we’ve talked about that lots before, but that pain resets every single night after a bath and a sleep. This lower back pain, however, does not. It makes everything painful. Sitting, standing, walking, lying down, lifting a kid, getting in and out of a vehicle, bending, everything! I got in to see my chiropractor today and I am thrilled to say it was possibly my most productive chiro appointment ever! He explained so thoroughly what was where and warned me well before he’d crack something. He helped me move around more than usual, knowing how much pain I was in. He asked if he could check my pubic bone, which he’s done before in the past, VERY professionally and safely, and said it was out. He was casual about it at first, and set me up to have it put back in place. Guys, that is SO painful. After four attempts, it still wasn’t all the way back in place, and he had to use this little hammering tool thing to get in where it needed to go. It was SO painful. But he’s explained this pubic bone thing to me before about how the pubic bone is actually two bones, and when they sit crooked at all, it basically ruins everything. He said more than just being a bit misaligned this time (which is all it takes) one side was actually raised up and sitting at an angle! I didn’t even know they could do that. Live and learn. So now things are back, and I can tell they are, because other parts of me hurt pretty badly, yet the very front of my pelvis is strangely pain-free. I hope it calms down in a day or two because I can’t exactly just sit and do nothing… Rant over! Oy!

Wish Lists/Purchases: I ordered a couple of bathing suits a week or two ago for my freshly postpartum self, but neither of them fit :/ Merp. Off they go back to the store, and I’ll reorder them in new sizes and see what works. I’m still hopeful! Just annoyed. Otherwise, I bought a new comfy lululemon bra off of a girl here in town. None of my current bras fit nicely, but now this one does. Win! (Yes, I realize thats a lot of info. Its just a bra. You’re fine.)

Pictures: I admit, I don’t have any. Every time I think to take a picture, I’m not wearing pants. Sorry, guys!

How are the kids feeling: As usual, Bambino is on the kids minds. Discussions about where the car seat will go in the van have come up. Laela has speculated on how many kids she’d like. The kids are aware that I’ve been missing Jamin quite a bit these days, and they are being very sensitive, loving little humans, as usual. I really hit the jackpot with my family.

Get to know the baby: I think I say it each week but our baby hates the doppler. Or they’re just showing off every time we pull it out. I’ll take either. I know babys kicks can grow to be uncomfortable and disruptive, but I don’t imagine they’ll get old anytime soon. I cannot WAIT to be able to interact with this baby! Yet, as the app has been telling us, baby can now distinguish light through my belly, and can hear our voices! I love knowing that. So, for future people who want to talk to the baby through my belly, feel free! I want this kid to know just how loved they are as early on as possible!

The BEST part of being pregnant: Hopefully this doesn’t come out wrong, but I’d say the best part of being pregnant this last week was having a little baby in my tummy when passing Jamin’s due date. I do NOT want people to think Bambino overshadows Jamin or Theo, but there is some comfort in crossing such a tricky bridge when I know I have someone along for the ride. Not everyone is as fortunate as me to conceive so soon after such a difficult loss, and not everyone wants to! Absolutely, as always, to each their own! But it has helped settle my heart a little. I think its helped me not feel as hopeless. So, for that, I am thankful.

Favorite Thing: Guys!!! You know Pillsbury makes croissants, right? Ok, so those are delicious, and have always been a bit of a guilty pleasure breakfast over here. But I recently discovered Pillsbury also makes turnovers!!! You can’t find them just anywhere (read: NOT at Superstore!) but Walmart tends to have them near the croissants in the cooler, for 2/$5. If you’re from around here, the Walmart in Blairmore has a whole section for them, and they have all three kinds – apple, raspberry, and strawberry. I don’t love apple for this kind of thing, but both of the other are exquisite. SO good!

Yes, they even come with icing. I HIGHLY recommend everyone eat these, preferably in bed, before your kids wake up. Set an alarm on Saturday. I’m not even kidding. Its important.

Seriously, its been a huge week. And this week we’re in feels big, too. But I’m praying for peace very very soon, and I believe it will come. If you feel like praying for the same for us, we’d sure take it! I want to grieve as hard as my heart needs to, and then I want to keep moving and celebrating and expecting the best! Thank you for being such loyal followers of our life and caring about our family. It has been completely amazing having the amount of support that we do. You guys are incredible.

Today is the day. Today was going to be delivery day. The day we would get to hold our little baby boy, our fifth family member. Our rainbow baby. Everything was supposed to be right in the world today. But in the same breath, thats clearly not how today was supposed to go, because it didn’t. Instead, today is an entirely normal day. I’m 16 weeks pregnant instead of 39 weeks pregnant, and its with a different baby. An equally amazing baby, I’m sure, but still. This is not how I dreamed today would go.

This would’ve been our first experience trying to get a kid to school on a delivery day. We would’ve gotten up at our normal time for a school day – 7:15 – and immediately turned our phones on sound. We would’ve gotten the kids up for breakfast and rushed the morning routine a little. Jerilee would be awake and on standby. If today went anything like the last two times, we would’ve received our call between 8:00 and 8:30. We would’ve received our orders to come either in the morning or the afternoon. Brady would’ve probably taken Dekker to school while I loaded the last minute stuff into the hospital bag. Toothbrushes and paste, deodorant, laptop and chargers, etc. Everything else should’ve been packed by now. The car seat should be in the van. Though in this recreation, we would probably leave the van here with Jerilee and trade her out for her car, which would hold the car seat. Just in case she needed to take the kids somewhere while we were away.

Regardless of morning or afternoon, we’d let Jerilee know and she’s either head on over, or come maybe around lunch. And then we’d kiss our kids and would head off! We’d grab food and coffee on the way to the hospital so I could eat one last time before it all began, and we’d eat and talk about what was to come. We’d be super excited, and laugh at being old pros, I bet. We’d confirm baby names with each other, which would be totally unnecessary, because we would know by then. We’d make it to the hospital, park in the tiny fetal assessment lot, and go sit up in registration on the fourth floor among the strangely quiet couples. We are always the weird ones in the waiting area. We talk and make jokes and hold hands, and everyone else is so stoic and quiet. I find it funny 🙂 It would finally be our turn, and we’d be led to the room where we’d settle in for my induction. We’d chat with our nurse and do a quick recap of my history and why things are done the way they are for us. She’d give me a hospital gown to wear. Brady would take a corny belly picture of me in it. The monitors would go on, and I would ask that they keep the volume on a little, because I just never tire of hearing that heartbeat. Especially this time, after my loss of Theo. This was going to be our calm after the storm. Our reminder that I was still capable of having a baby. Our confidence booster. Our CELEBRATION.

Labour can’t be speculated, but it would’ve been worth the end result. I would be induced. It would quite possibly be a short and fairly uneventful labour, if its anything like the last two. And we’d finally have our baby just a few hours later. Another little boy to add to our beautiful brood of children.

I’m honestly now sure if we would’ve named the baby Jamin had he carried full term or not. We weren’t ready to have him when we did. Names weren’t chosen at 16.5 weeks. They shouldn’t have needed to be. We shouldn’t have had him at 16.5 weeks. We should’ve had him today, at 39 weeks. He should’ve been big and healthy and fuzzy and soft.

We would’ve spent the night at the hospital, and lamented a little bit that so many of the nurses that we are friends with are ALL on maternity leave themselves! But likely there would still be some familiar faces who I hope would poke their noses in and come say hi. I wouldn’t sleep that first night, thanks to the adrenaline, but it would be fine. I would be happy. And we’d go home the very next day, barring any unforeseen issues. This would all feel normal, and right.

Instead of this beautiful plan, we’ll do our day differently. Dekker has an eye appointment that Brady is taking him to. Laela and Rowan are playing toys on the island. Solly is crying at the couch under which he threw and effectively lost the toy he was playing with. I’m sipping coffee and trying not to move from the comfortable position I found. Its a normal day. Not a delivery day at all.

This is the big one, friends. This is a HARD day already. I felt strong enough to handle it until I stood up and got out of bed. Please, cover our family in prayer today, if you think of us. Pray for peace, and strength, and a new burst of hope when today’s heaviness has lifted a little. And PLEASE pray for Bambino ❤️

We had gone back and forth of the last couple of days whether or not we should go to church on Sunday with Dekker having thrown up at school on Thursday. It sounds dramatic to hole up for so long, I know, but the flu is SO violent this year! However, Dekker is not sick, hasn’t been sick since, and we just knew we were clear to go. I had forgotten that it was a baptism Sunday, and I was so glad we made it on such an exciting week 🙂

While church was really wonderful this morning, it was also LONG, and the kids were pretty over it by the end of it all. We rushed home pretty quickly after to feed the kids lunch and try to sneak in a nap before it was too late. But rushing wasn’t gentle on my aching body.

If you’ve never been to our church, we have hard, wooded benches. I’ve never had much of an issue with them, because they make for great acoustics sound-wise, and when it comes to the time in the service that we inevitably pull out pencils and paper for the kids to draw on, they can sit on the floor and use the bench as a table top. Its a good set up. The only time I’m ever less than thrilled with the benches is towards the end of my pregnancies when my body hurts. Well today those suckers did me in. Shifting positions at any point was pretty challenging, and my back was just screaming by the end of it. So while Brady got the kids fed, I went upstairs for a lay down and took some Tylenol.

The meds didn’t even touch me, and I was soon off to a baby shower. It wasn’t too far, so I figured I’d walk and see if that helped at all. I knew it would hurt in the moment, but I thought maybe it would somehow stretch out the angry muscles or benefit me somehow. You’re always supposed to keep moving, right? So, I tried. I walked to the shower with a friend, and enjoyed myself far too much, and stayed way too long, as usual. I am always among the last to leave. ALWAYS. My bad. But goodness, my back was maybe in worse shape after than it was before. I was determined to walk, but as I got to the street to finally head home, someone offered me a ride and I gave up and took it. So. Much. Pain.

I truly enjoyed the morning at church, and I loved the afternoon spent with so many amazing people, celebrating a new baby. It was ALL worth it! But MAN I hurt now, yikes!! Haha! So I will likely spend the rest of the evening in bed, except for a soak in the tub I’m hoping comes soon! There could definitely be worse fates 🙂 I have a cozy bed, happy children, a husband playing guitar for them downstairs, and a little baby in my womb that I know isn’t feeling any of the pain I am. I can absolutely handle this.

Tomorrow will be a different story, but I’m trying not to go there yet. Lucky for me, Brady will be home most of the day, and I’m sure I’ll have all the support I could ask for from him <3 Tomorrow will come soon enough. Today, despite my aching lower back, has been incredibly lovely. What a great day to finish the weekend off with!

Yesterday was just amazing, and I’m SO eager to share about it! It was all unexpected and honouring and humbling and thoughtful and just so full of love.

I found out about halfway through the afternoon that someone was bringing my family supper. I was completely caught off guard, but gladly accepted. Hard days are upon our family, and while I’m not exactly shy about it, it was incredibly touching to see people take action and show our family love in this way. Not too long after that, another friend got in touch with me and invited me over for a visit after our kids had all gone to bed. I happily accepted the invite 🙂 It feels so important to have friends and loved ones with us in these tricky times. I was so thankful to have an invite out, to get me out of the house and out of my own head, but into a place that still felt safe and comfy.

Right around supper time, a meal compiled by four women from our church arrived at our house in the form of a big pail of soup, homemade bread, a BIG box of desserts and baking, and a card. We were completely overwhelmed, and thrilled. Our usually soupspicious (see what I did there?) kids ate it easily, as did Brady and I. It was a loaded corn chowder, and it was completely delicious. Supper was amazing in every way.

After the kids had gone down, Brady and I had a quick soak and watched some tv. I texted my friend shortly before 8:00 and said she could just let me know when she was ready for me. Not too long after that, there was a knock on our door. Often, when she and I get together, we’ll kind of swap houses, so I figured her husband had just showed up to hang out with Brady here, and I’d take that as my cue to head her way. Except it wasn’t her husband. It was her! I grabbed my jacket and headed out with her, but her car was there, and we live like half a block away from each other, so I knew something was up.

🤔

Sure enough, I was right. She drove us to another friends house, and unloaded an armful of stuff from her car. In we went.

Guys, I’m not going to be able to do this evening justice, but it was SO incredible. A handful of my friends from church had gathered with the plan of a girls movie night in. They set up the island with all the treats and munchies I’ve been loving these days (Doritos with sour cream, skittles, swedish berries, cookies, baking, etc) and we had Shirley Temples (the majority of the group was either pregnant or freshly nursing a newbie.) There was a gift bag to one side, and some wrapped flowered next to it. I cried like a loser into my drink as we stood all together in the kitchen. I was completely overwhelmed by the love and care that these women were offering me, just because they knew how hard I’ve been struggling. I was gifted two blue roses (in honour of my little boys,) a big pretty succulent, an oil infuser necklace (that I’m SO excited to put together and have hope for some anxiety busting!) and the little Willow Tree Angels I’ve been pining after. All of this was topped off with a card from a shocking number of women from church who participated in the evenings plan. I have never felt so strongly that so many people have my back. It was incredibly overwhelming and humbling and, honestly, just so so needed. We loaded up our plates with treats and snuggled into the living room for a movie. It was SO perfect.

There is something to be said for people like these. These women knew that they weren’t just coming for some comfy squishy movie night. They knew how sad I was, and that there might be some heaviness, and no one was afraid of it. I didn’t have to feel funny crying in front of them, or talking about my miscarriages, and they didn’t have to feel funny loving on their new babies in front of me. It was a lot of trust from every angle, and I couldn’t be more thankful that they all came and took those little risks and showered me with such love. UNBELIEVABLE!

We had such a lovely time of chatting and just being together, but it had to end eventually, so I made it home right around midnight. I felt uplifted, and like my cup had been filled. My sorrow isn’t gone, and there are still big days approaching, but I feel so much more prepared. I know people are thinking of us and praying for us, so that is HUGE. I was reminded just how much support I have, and that I could call in the troops, if need be, and they would come. Also, somehow, being with these friends last night seemed to release my emotions a little bit, and I almost felt safer, or permitted, to just cry and be sad. I know I can cry whenever I need to, and I can feel however I feel, but I didn’t have to be strong last night. I didn’t have to try and keep on trucking. I could just cry, and feel all the things I feel, while surrounded by loving friends who wanted to be there in support of our family. I don’t know how else to explain all of this. It was completely mind blowing. Life changing, even. Earth shaking. Bottom line: This is the kind of friend that people need. A friend who shows up without being asked, and loves you no matter how much “work” it is. BE THIS KIND OF FRIEND.

Today has felt emotional for me, coming off of ALL the love of yesterday, being surrounded by my beautiful children all morning, missing my husband while he’s working, and knowing that there are big days ahead. If things had gone differently, I would be days away from delivering our sweet little Jamin. But, instead, we are where we are, and thats ok too. Its not what I would have chosen, but it is what I have to deal with, and I accept that. Its not an easy thing to accept, but it would be much much harder to absorb if I didn’t have the faith in Jesus that I have, the support of a loving, involved husband, and the abounding love offered to me by my friends, family, and my church family.

To all of you beautiful people who were involved in this, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I can’t even begin to explain all of my feelings (clearly) but please know how you’ve touched me. I feel stronger because of you.

I briefly mentioned in yesterday’s post that Dekker was home sick from school. I received a call from his teacher while I was waiting for my doctors appointment. Luckily I was waiting and not in it already! She told me that a different child at school had thrown up, and in a chain reaction, a couple of nearby kids started throwing up. What a scene! Gross gross gross! She asked that someone come get Dekker, and I told her I was actually unable to come, but I’d call Brady and we’d sort it out. We did, and Brady went to retrieve Dekker right away. He tucked him into a couch and a restful afternoon begun. He seemed pretty normal. Maybe a little bit pale, but he had thrown up, so sick or not, that could’ve been the cause.

We hoped it was just a chain reaction, because barfing is gross, and maybe that alone set Dekker off.

As the day wore on, however, Dekker got the shivers. That is his first tip off, always. After supper, he asked if he could go get a sweater, and being who is he, he picked the sweater that makes him feel the most dressy and fancy 🤣 He put it on, got back to his cozy spot on the couch, and dozed off.

He dozed in and out for the rest of the evening, and went down for bed without any issue. We left him his water bottle and a barf pail, and told him to please come get us if he got sick in the night.

But he didn’t! This morning, he woke up in happy spirits, though he is still sporting his fever. Of all days, today he had an appointment with his ophthalmologist, Dr. Rubab, but thats been rescheduled. Today is just going to be a lazy tv day, so we make our bodies rest! So Dekker can heal and the rest of us can stay somewhat in our own spaces and hopefully not pass this around! Because, not to be super selfish or anything, but I do NOT want to get sick!! I already feel crazy enough with this plugged ear. I would ideally not add barf to the mix.

Wish us luck!

I saw my doctor this afternoon for an appointment. I am 15 weeks, as of Monday, right in the middle of these tricky, anxious weeks.

Thanks to my ridiculous brain, I showed up to this appointment a solid 45 minutes early, but Dr. Guselle saw I had checked in and called me back anyway. It was a super relaxed time of day, so she brought me back herself, we skipped the weigh in, and just met and talked. I informed her that my nausea was really petering off, and I’ve dropped my morning dose of diclectin as well as my afternoon one. I mentioned some other things I’ve been dealing with and she gave me some tips. Round ligament pain is unrelenting these days, so that was a big one. I have had a weirdly plugged ear for the last several days that she advised me on. Things like that. I don’t know how we got on the subject, but we had a brief talk about labour and delivery and how that might look, and her face just warmed right up, and she said she was so happy to hear that I was even thinking that far ahead. Maybe some healing is taking place without me realizing it. I sure hope so! It was nice to think that way, and we even got a bit ballsy and booked more appointment further ahead. I believe I’m booked up to 28 weeks. Just hoping and praying we make it that far!

The big part of these appointments is listening for the baby, and sure enough, baby was easy to find. At first, anyway. That funny little baby is just too busy to be pinned down, and moved and kicked at the doppler like crazy! It was such a fun thing to hear, and SO reassuring for my heart! Dr. Guselle grabbed my phone for me to try and record some of the action, but as much as we trie to bug the baby afterwards, he/she seemed a bit more content and not as eager to get away from the doppler. I guess they had just accepted it by then, haha! Still very nice to have that precious sound on video. I still have a video of us listening to Jamin’s heartbeat thru the doppler. That kind of thing is just SO dear to my heart!

All things considered, it was a really nice appointment. I have an ultrasound next week, and then another couple of appointments with Dr. Guselle soon after before we move to *gulp* monthly appointments. I’m not sure how thats going to feel, but I’m hopeful that baby’s movements will be big enough for me to feel by then, and that will relieve some stress.

But let’s not look that far ahead. Today was good. Today, Bambino is alive and well! Dekker, on the other hand, puked at school and is home with his pale little self parked on the couch. Pleeeaaase pray he doesn’t give us all a tummy flu, and rather just threw up because two other kids did, and it grossed him out. 🤞 That would be ideal!

Yesterday needed to be grocery shopping day, so we made a plan to pick Dekker up from school, drive to Costco, pick up supper, and hit Superstore after that. It was a necessary plan, as we were out of several staples around here. Bread, milk, coffee, etc. The kids were pumped to go shop. I’ve probably said it a hundred times, but they love grocery shopping, haha!

We did a nice big shop at Costco, and paid out with our Costco Mastercard. I’m not trying to be weird and advertise, but seriously, if you’re usually a Costco shopper, you should get this thing. We put it off for quite a while, because not only do we already have a credit card that works just fine and didn’t really want or need another one, but we were tossed up between the Costco one and the PC one for Superstore. We spend a lot of money at both places and were unsure which way to go. However, we recently learned that the Costco Mastercard has a return for everything, including GAS! Which is a HUGE expense around here! We had previously heard that it didn’t count for gas, but it does! Now that we have this card, I can also say that I LOVE that you can see the balance of your return as you use it. I don’t think we get the return until the end of the year, but I like being able to actually see the amount in dollars and cents. Aaaaand you can tap up to $200, which is handy 🙂 Seriously, guys, this is a handy card! Just do not, I repeat, DO NOT leave a balance on it! The interest is crazy high! I digress…

We were done at Costco faster than expected, and it was way too early to get supper. Like 4:00 early. So we decided to duck into a mall nearby and go ask some questions at Telus. Brady had received a text earlier than day of some promotion, and while we usually ignore them, one sparked our interest. Our contracts have been up for a few months now, but our phones are still operating decently well, and we don’t have a ton of extra money to throw around these days, so we didn’t take it too seriously. But when Brady signed into his account to view the actual offer, it looked like we could maaaybe upgrade for free?? We weren’t sure, so we figured we’d kill some time at Telus and ask some questions. Why not, right?

Spoiler alert. We accidentally got new phones.

The promotion we had gotten was as it seemed – too good to be true. However, there was another promotion sitting on our account that was based around us being ten year customers! We dug into it a bit with one of the Telus reps and, sure enough, we were well set up to upgrade!! We were getting a lot of money off the top, plus we traded in our phones. (Yes, yes, I know we would likely get more selling them, but the hassle wasn’t worth it to us. So we traded them in to Telus) With our trade ins and the great loyalty deal, I personally walked out with a new iPhone 8 with 64g of space, an extra charger, a beautiful case, and a screen protector, and I paid about $40. Boom. Brady paid slightly more than I did, but his case was a Lifeproof one for work, and cost a bit more. It was such a fun surprise, to pay about $100 together and get brand new phones and cases!

What was so extra special about that time was that the kids were in great shape! They played together and made us look great by giggling together and coaxing one another into group hugs, haha! We had the place to ourselves for the most part, and the two reps working there were SO good to our family! The one had two children of her own, and was quite smitten with ours, while the other had grown up with six siblings and had only the best things to say about it. It was SO refreshing to me when he said he was the oldest of seven, and babysat the whole group plenty, changed diapers, fed babies, etc. and had really enjoyed his upbringing. Way to smash the stigmas!! It was so nice to talk to them while they set us up SO well!! It took a while at Telus, and the kids were fading a bit, but that just resulted in lots of snuggles while we waited. Lots of “I want to hug you forever” from Rowan. SO so cute! Holding the kids got really really hot after a while, and I unzipped my jacket. Instantly, Dekker was leaning against me, telling me he loves my belly, he loves little Bambino, and kissing it. I just melt, guys. They were SO sweet!

Once we finally left Telus, it was supper time, and it was getting late. It became clear that there just wasn’t enough time to hit Superstore after all. So we got the kids supper, and then Dekker and I went into Tim Hortons and bough Timbits for the family in celebration of his lost tooth. (Yes, the tooth fairy brought donuts this time. I’m not sure what she’ll bring in the future, but hey, round one.) We headed home with a van load of happy children who fell right to sleep without any issue. It really couldn’t have been a better evening. It was a surprisingly sweet way to wrap up a day that felt heavy in my heart. Thank you, everyone who reached out to me yesterday and told me you loved my family. I felt it, big time.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to listen for Bambino at my doctors office, and I’ll probably make a quick stop at Walmart and grab the rest of the groceries while I have the chance 😉 Because fun came before food last time! Whoops!

If you’re a daily reader of this blog, you know I’ve been apprehensive these days. A lot of my thoughts centre around our little lost babies. So many things point to our miscarriages right now, its kind of astounding. Today is another one of those days.

Today marks one year since we found out our Theo had passed away. One year since I experienced true deep grief for the first time. I have been around death in my life before, of course. Just never my own flesh and blood. Not someone who was going to be a member of MY FAMILY. Not my own child. It was new, and raw, and while I have amaaazing support in my husband, parents, and friends, it was a very lonely place.

Last year on this day, I went in for my routine 12 week ultrasound. I was a few days early, 11.5 weeks ish. We left our appointment confused and hurt when our tech told us nothing, and simply told us our doctor would be expecting us. It was obvious the worst was upon us, but she wouldn’t say. Of all days, our child care had a tight timeline, and we couldn’t just stay in the city longer than anticipated, so I called my doctors office and asked if there would be time for me to run home for my kids before coming to meet my doctor. “What appointment” they asked. “Dr. Guselle isn’t in today. What are you needing?” I was SO frustrated! I burst at her “I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my baby but no one will tell me, and I NEED to speak to my doctor!” She scrambled a bit and apologized to me. It wasn’t her fault. She said I could maybe see another doctor, which I declined, and said I was going home. She understood and said she’d have someone call me.

Going home was awful. Telling my mom the baby was gone. Ugh. It was horrid.

I took a couple of phone calls that day, from a resident and from my doctor, who wasn’t in office but someone obviously got a hold of her for me. She gave me ALL the room I needed, but her professional opinion also when I asked for it. We made an appointment to meet two days later.

I cried a lot in those days, and even at our appointment, I cried. I was so tired. So spent. We agreed to wait another couple of days and if nothing had happened on its own, I’d take some medication and motivate my miscarriage to begin. I hate that it reached that point, but it did. There are a lot of horror stories around Cytotec, but it was gentle on me, and for that, I praise the Lord! It was as physically painless as it could be.

I won’t go into further detail, but this day, one year ago, is where it all started. It was an incredibly difficult kick off to 2017; a year that offered some moments of hope, but continually kicked me in the stomach. But it shouldn’t have been easy to blow past. My child passed away. My child who was going to be born right around my birthday! I was so excited for that. For him. For our little Schnookums. What a life changing day.

***

I woke up in dread for the day. My back was already sore, and I was sad. Brady can vouch. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Brady got up with the kids and I lay in bed, sulking and dozing in and out. Until Brady texted me that Dekker’s first wiggly tooth was more than ready to come out, and of all CRAZY things, Dekker asked Brady to pull it out! If you guys know Dekker, you know this is HUGE. But!!, they did it!! No tears, no blood, no nothing! Thanks be to God that his tiny little bottom tooth was so very ready to come out, Brady did no more than grip it before it popped out. It didn’t even take a pull. And Dekker was SO proud!

(To be clear, this is not his usual bite. He’s just showing off the space 😉 )

His excitement lifted my spirits, at least for a moment 🙂 He was so thrilled, and I was so relieved he wasn’t upset by his tooth coming out. What an exciting milestone to hit on an otherwise bleak day.

Now to figure out how to handle the whole “tooth fairy” thing. It seems she pays some families a lot more than I thought she would! 😬 I worry our tooth fairy will be more stingy than average. She has a lot of people to pay out over here! Whats the going rate for teeth these days?