We’ve been talking about the same thing for several days now, and while I find it incredibly refreshing to share those things with you guys, there continue to be other things going on in our life completely unrelated to our new pregnancy. For instance, Rowan’s hearing.

I’ve only mentioned it once or twice on the blog, if I remember right, but I’ve been suspicious about Rowan’s hearing for a while already. Earlier this year, I asked Dr. Guselle to check Rowan’s ears for me. At the time, she noted some fluid in his ears, but he was in the thick of a cold so it was hard to judge much. I also learned that, after a cold, fluid can last in ears for quite some time. Weeks and weeks. She sent a referral to the audiology department of the hospital for us, and that was that. Better to be safe than sorry, right?

So began a ridiculous run around, with the childrens section of audiology actually being cut for a few months, and then being rebooted with a mile long waiting list mid summer. I waited a month or two before calling and hounding the department, and Rowan’s spot on the waiting list had not moved in those months. It was SO frustrating. Yet I know he’s not the only kid anxiously waiting on this list to be seen. Its pretty awful that anyone between the ages of newborn and 6 years old can’t be seen for free by public health.

In my final call to audiology, I asked what I could possibly do next. They told me to go private. I had called private clinics in the summer and they all told me that no one in a private clinic was set up to see children his age. I told her as much, and she said there were only a few clinics that would, and gave me their names.

I called one and it told me they were booking either RIGHT at Christmas or into the new year. Keep in mind, this was in October. I was so discouraged, I gave up. But a week or two later, I called the second place and they said “How about this Thursday?” Unfortunately, we couldn’t make it that day, and they only saw the young kids on Thursday evenings, but I could get in just a couple of weeks later! I was totally thrilled, and booked an appointment on the spot.

That appointment was yesterday at 5:00. Ro and I went on a date, just the two of us, which we haven’t done maybe ever. It was so fun! He is SUCH a sweet little guy. I loved bantered with him in the van as we drove, though by “bantering,” I mean I was shouting and he was saying “I can’t hear what you said” over and over. Sometimes it worked 😉 We went to McDonalds and he got a happy meal, which the kids never get anymore, and enjoyed his chicken and fries. The toy was for after his appointment.

We talked/prepped for his appointment quite a bit. He actually seemed pretty on board with having his ears looked at. So much so that I think he knows he can’t quite hear as well as he should. The one thing I couldn’t drill into his head, however, was that he was not seeing Dr. Rubab. For some reason, he was so sure that he was going to see Dekker’s eye specialist, but I kept telling him he was seeing Dr. Jason. He was completely fine with everything we discussed, however, and even said he was excited to go. When we arrived at the clinic, he was so sweet and chatty, and he and I joked as I filled out his forms. They were definitely geared towards adults, so I couldn’t answer much of it, but I tried. When the doctor did call him back, however, he instantly narrowed his eyes and said “no.” I swear, he was still expecting to see Dr. Rubab.

I carried him back to avoid dragging his screaming self into the exam room, and he calmed right away. The doctor was great and said he could do everything with Ro on my lap, so we did. Ro was SO patient as Dr. Jason put thing after thing in his ears, with lots of waiting and sitting still and being quiet involved. Countless times, Ro would lift his hand up to the cords hanging for all the monitors, but then resist and put his hand back down. All on his own. He. Did. Amazing. I think that kind of thing takes longer with kids, too, because you don’t want to just shove the scopes into his ears. You want to be ultra gentle and avoid the fight, so there was a lot of trying new sizes until something fit/sealed/worked properly. But it was finally over, and Ro had done a fabulous job!

So, the results were in! Rowan’s right ear is in perfect shape. Its open, clear, and functioning well. His left ear is where our issue lies, and hopefully its a completely solvable issue. His left ear is apparently a tiny big red, and has fluid in it. Nothing big. The doctor said it looks like a bit of an ear infection. However, to my knowledge, Rowan has never had an ear infection. So its possible he has one now, for the first time, and I just would never have known, or he’s had some others in the past that we haven’t known about, or he has fluid build up from past illnesses in general, or any number of things. There is no way to know how long the fluid has been in there, but it is in there, nonetheless. Those of you who have had babies probably remember the newborn hearing screening, where someone came and put a little wand into your baby’s ears. Rowan had that screening again yesterday, and the doctor explained that what the wand does is send little ticking sounds into the ear, and the waits to register the echo back, showing how much movement there is in the ear drum. Rowan’s right ear was perfectly echoey. His left ear was completely flat, with no echo. The doctor agreed that he would have very little hearing ability out of that ear at this time. Answers! Yes!!

He made his recommendation, and I have a call in to my doctor, so hopefully we’ll get this sorted out very soon 🙂 Ideally, a round of antibiotics would clear the fluid from his ear, and Rowan can be firing on all cylinders again! We’ll rebook with Dr. Jason in three weeks or so, to make sure the treatment did its job, but hopefully thats the end of it and we’re in the clear. I’m so thrilled to have a direction to move in, finally.

And Rowan is thrilled with the happy meal toy he earned, haha! Wins all around.

I went to my OB first the first time just the other day. I guess I could say, it was the first time since losing our little babe in August. I’ll admit that I had some apprehension about going to her.

If you read my last couple of posts, I was pretty annoyed having found out she had moved clinics, and that her front desk staff wasn’t the most helpful to me. My mom lovingly volunteered to take me to my appointment, to both act as moral support and to also help me get there and navigate the area. I had originally been happy that her office was right downtown, where I could easily park in the mall parkade. Upon arriving at the new clinic, the entire building a parking lot for exactly six cars, and we had to drive a couple of blocks to find available street parking. It was far less frustrating having someone with me, thats for sure! We made it into the office, I checked in on a computer, and we sat and waited just a couple of minutes before I was called back. They checked my height, weight, and blood pressure. I’d put it all in here if I knew any of the numbers but it was very quick and no one offered me any information. Thats probably pretty standard practice but I’ve been so spoiled with my family doctor that it kind of drives me nuts.

The nurse followed us into a room and went through a quick checklist of questions. A tiny bit of family history, how many kids I already had, vitamins, smoking, etc. Nothing too riveting. It was one of the first times I’ve had to include my little angel boys in my history. The nurse kept kind of mixing stuff up and I’d have to backtrack and correct her a little bit. “No, I don’t have any children from 2017. Well, I mean, I do, but I’m not sure they count…” It just felt gross.

My OB finally came in and we had a chat. She was encouraging and happy for me, which was nice. She asked if I was feeling sick and if I wanted medication for it. I told her I had some and ran it past her, and she okayed it. But that was as far as it really went, which I was surprised by. She asked me if I had any questions, and I had a couple. Nothing big. Finally, I just told her that I didn’t feel like I had many questions that had real answers, but that my anxiety was through the roof. We talked ultrasounds, and she asked when my next one was scheduled. Next week, I told her. She asked if I’d like one this week, also. I accepted.

(If we can all keep our opinions about the safety of ultrasounds to ourselves, I’d greatly appreciate it! I know we all have different opinions, but I’ve done my research and feel secure in my choices to have additional scans. I BEG of you not to challenge this. I am confident, but I’m not sure I could handle the guilt trip. Please understand!)

I was surprised when she printed off a requisition and told me to book one. I was very much expecting to have my scan done in the office, as is customary with most OBs, as far as I know. I had even asked Dr. Guselle about this before, she had called the OBs office on my behalf and asked, and they assured her they had ultrasound equipment on site that they would use. However, thats not how it wound up. I left with a couple of sheets of paper, a tiny bit frustrated. But let’s be real. It doesn’t take a whole lot these days :/

My mom and I were walking to the car, and she suggested I call and just see if I could get an ultrasound still that afternoon. It was after 3:00, so it was a long shot, but I tried, and sure enough, I got a 4:00 spot! It worked out well because I already had a fairly full bladder, lol! So we made a quick stop to buy a bottle of water and I chugged it back on the way to the ultrasound clinic. (Does anyone else find the chugging of the water absolutely gross and nauseating?? 🙋 I do!! )

I had never been to this clinic before. Its a brand new location on the west side, and I am SO thankful its so new because it was completely quiet in there. The tech was hanging out in the waiting room, chatting with the receptionist, and we went in just a few minutes later. So I got in nice and early, which was a treat! I was ready to see what was going on in there.

Our tech didn’t know any history about us, which was actually kind of refreshing. I don’t remember the last time I’ve been asked if this was my first pregnancy or not. It was an innocent question, but I laughed out loud. Awkward. When he put his wand on my abdomen, he right away showed me the heartbeat. And WOW has the baby grown from one week to the next!! 😭 It was just incredible to see. My mom grabbed my hand and I told the tech how relieved I was. He seemed a bit surprised and asked if I’ve been having spotting or something. I told him I wasn’t, but I told him we’ve had a couple losses this year and are needing reassurance. He jumped on that information and said we’d go through the whole thing again together. He turned the screen all the way to me and slowly went from one side of my uterus to the other. He showed me the amniotic sac, and the heartbeat again. He told me he saw no signs of bleeding or anything out of the ordinary at all. He told me how I was measuring, how big the baby was, the heart rate, etc. Honestly, he probably told me more than he should’ve, but I appreciated it SO much. So, at that point, I was measuring 7w1d, which was one day ahead of where I should’ve been, according to my last ultrasound (though I’m sure some of that varies from tech to tech.) The baby’s heart rate was in the 140s, and its body was measuring just over 1 cm. I know. SO tiny. But, last week baby measured 0.5 cms, so no wonder I’m feeling so worn out and sick!! My body has been working overtime this last week, doubling my baby in size!!!! 😲 Amazing, right?? He got me some pictures and said “We’ll see you in again in a couple of months!” Lol! Ya, or much much sooner…

To give you a little side by side, this is the difference between 6 weeks and 7 weeks!!

The first picture, the baby is in between the little markings, just along the outer edge of the gestational sac. The second picture doesn’t need any explanation.

The day had started out a bit frustrating, but ended with a lot of reassurance for me. I’m SO thankful it wound up the way it did! I’ll have another scan early next week, and then an appointment with my OB to talk about both of them and see where my anxiety is. Hopefully she can give me some tips and recommendations on how to curb it. I’m already trying to do a few things for it, but thats a whole separate post.

Since that appointment, I’ve went ahead with my nausea medication, and thanks to that, am a TOTAL zombie almost exclusively. Coffee isn’t sitting very well at all, and my meds may as well be sleeping pills. Hopefully they’ll help me feel well enough soon so I can combat their drowsy effect with coffee!! If you see me out and about, wandering aimlessly, please take me home. I’m probably sleep walking. 😳 😴

Last one guys, I promise, and then we’re back to present day thoughts!

*****

November 9

I spoke to my doctor about the ultrasound while driving to Winnipeg today. We agreed that my numbers and my scan don’t add up 100% but we also agreed not to panic. It was probably the first time I’ve hung up a phone call with her not feeling totally uplifted and hopeful, but rather a big discouraged. I thought, with 8000+ hcg, the ultrasound should show more :/ It was good to remember that, while she is the BEST family doctor I could EVER ask for, she is not an ultrasound tech or an OB. So perhaps she mainly knows the answers that are “by the book” in this area. Its a very important book to know, yet strangely I feel like so few of us follow said book.

November 10

Yikes these bruised elbow pits, though… 

Gross gross gross.

I want so badly to be rational but I feel like I could scream. I have so much boiling in my head and heart right now, and when something else hard gets shovelled on top, I just cannot handle it. I have too many other worries already. Where are my pregnancy symptoms? I need a milestone to anticipate! The age gap between my children is growing and growing! What if this baby dies too?? I cannot survive a third consecutive loss! Please, Lord, help me carry this baby to term!! I can’t handle another burden on my heart. It is already too heavy.

November 11

I met a woman today who commented on how perfect Rowans hair is. We began a conversation about our children, and being the classic oversharer, I told her about my lost babies this year and how its awkward to know I have more kids, but to not be able to say the real number, because its just too much for each and every stranger to know. She told me point blank that the way she tells it is that she has three children, but has been pregnant eight times. EIGHT!! We talked for a long time, and discovered we had so much in common, the ways of family, beliefs, faith, etc. Everything that actually matters. It was lovely and warm and a very necessary reminder that I know what is important, where my babies are, and that I BELIEVE in Jesus, and TRUST Him to give me the babies I’m supposed to have exactly when I’m supposed to have them. It was a refreshing conversation. I hope to be able to be that lady for other people down the road. <3

November 12

My mind is so full of so many overwhelming things. Will the baby die? WHEN will the baby die? Thats more so the question. Am I going to know? For all I know, it already has. Ugh. Now, add to that some other worries that are unrelated but hurt so badly. You just never know what someone has going on in their life. My mom always told me that when someone hurt me or wronged me or seemed to do something unjust. You never know whats going on their life. They might be going through something really difficult. I’m going to take that another direction and say that you NEVER know whats going on in someone’s life, so DO NOT add any anxiety or stress that doesn’t need to be there. Some of us don’t have the capacity for more. Even if the situations are completely unrelated, some of us are tapped out. I am tapped out. 

November 13

Had a BIG ole cry in the bathtub yesterday. I cried about my lost babies. I cried about the baby currently within me that I can’t help but feel fear about. I cried about my hurt feelings. I cried about the long drive home and how much Solly cried. I cried so long and so hard that Brady cried. But when it was all over, WOW did I feel better. Not all better, but cleansed. Detoxed almost. So many tears and so much sweat, and I could finally let down. I had been on the verge of crying for several days. It felt amazing.

November 14

I’m nauseous and weepy, but I’ve convinced myself I just didn’t take very good care of myself today. Why is it so hard to feel happy and hopeful? What is it about pessimism that feels so much safer? I hate that.

November 15

My boobs hurt today, and once again, I’m nauseous. I did eat, and it helped with the sick feeling momentarily, but I felt sick once again before the kids had even finished eating. Its so frustrating, and so symptomy, but I just don’t buy it. Hopefully I’ll know more tomorrow. And hopefully its good news. I’m getting more and more afraid that its going to change for the worse. I should’ve done more blood work this week, just so I was at least a little bit prepared if things go bad. But its too late for that now.

November 16

The baby’s heart is beating! I cried like a loser, but I really thought we were out again 😭 So many emotions. We went in and our tech greeted us warmly, as always. She led us to the back room and I lay down. I don’t usually have to be pee THAT bad, but it was feeling pretty urgent already. Thank goodness we were in 15 minutes early! Our tech is amazing, but even now that she knows us a bit better, she is very professional, and ALWAYS gets her info before giving me mine. Always. It drives me crazy, but I’ve come to expect it. As she gets the wand moving on my abdomen, she quietly whispered “Its grown” which was the best gift she could’ve given me in that moment. I just needed to know something. As she finished gathering her information, she went to find the baby’s heartbeat. She showed me the amniotic sac, and then the itty bitty baby. She was leaning towards the screen, squinting. She tried to get a heart rate but nothing would register. She zoomed in and out and couldn’t get it. She asked me to hold my breath in an effort to be more still. But I was so upset, starting to tear up and breathe hard. My heart was racing. I turned to Brady and apologized for what was about to happen. I told him that I was sorry we were out again. I was devastated. Finally my tech corrected me and said “Just look at the screen! Look closely!” And there it was. The TEENIEST little flicker I have ever seen; so small that I almost didn’t see it. I cried, and she passed me a kleenex. Only then could I calm down enough that she could get the heart rate on record. But WOW. What a rush. What a crazy thing. I’m so thrilled to see a heartbeat in my baby. Some of my first-timer ignorance is floating up and I think I’m going to let it. Let myself just be blindly excited, and not worry about what could be. I know there will continue to be anxiety throughout this pregnancy, so hopefully I can enjoy the excited moments as they come up. Today is an excited moment.

November 17

A doctor from Dr Guselle’s office called me this morning to confirm that I had seen the heartbeat and was satisfied with my ultrasound. I told her I had, and she said, kind of off the cuff “After seeing the heartbeat, your chances of miscarriage go down.” I actually laughed, which was awkward, and then I tried to save the conversation by saying that was true, and we had good odds, but considering my last situation, some of that magic has kind of worn off. She gave me some numbers to comfort me somehow, and I told her that I’ve been working hard to remind myself that what happened last time is not a common thing at all. The chance that I will suffer another later term loss is slim, and while I KNOW that to be true, I’ve also lived through it, and would be completely devastated to live through it again. Its hard to just not think about, just because numbers appear to be in our favor.

Dr Guselle just called! Apparently the doctor that called earlier just tried to help her out and take a message off her desk, but Dr Guselle said she stole her thunder, and that she wanted to speak to me herself about our successful ultrasound! I love her. We talked about the heart rate, and the fact that the baby measures exactly eight days bigger, eight days after the previous ultrasound. She even told me which ovary might ache a little bit because she could tell where implantation took place! We confirmed when my next scan is, and when I’m seeing my OB in the near future, laughed about how my OB’s name sounds like pastry, and about how unprepared she is for Christmas. Out of the blue, she goes on to say “Now when will I see you next? Twelve weeks sound ok?” I did not expect to see Dr. Guselle for quite some time, honestly. I knew I was supposed to go through an OB for a least a good chunk of my pregnancy, and I could transfer back to Dr. Guselle whenever we were “safe,” whatever that means. So I didn’t think I’d see her until we were maybe halfway through. However, she said she was hoping to see me at a time when we could hear the heartbeat together in the office 🙂 She VOLUNTEERED to come in on a day that she wasn’t scheduled in, between Christmas and New Years, so we could meet and hear the baby 💗 Even just writing that out makes me tear up. I just have the BEST medical team ever. The BEST. So, on the books currently, I have an appointment with my OB next week, where I’ll likely get an ultrasound, and then I have another scan the week after. I’m not sure about scans in December yet, but I know I have an appointment with my doctor to look forward to. I feel so cared for and loved, even though I know all of my health care providers are professional and likely are just amazing and treat all of their patients as well as they treat me. What amazing people they are.

November 18

So so sick. And SO worth it <3 Its hard to think about anything else. I can’t believe I’m pregnant. I had all of these “what ifs” in my mind and now I have to actually sort them out. Should we actually tell people right away here? That was the plan. I want people to know, but I also don’t want to announce it publicly and then lose the baby the very next day. Thats the biggest fear, really. Somehow feeling dumb because the baby died, even though no one would think I was dumb because of it. Just feeling foolish, maybe. Silly for hoping. I have to turn these thoughts around…

*****

As you can see, I did decide to tell you guys, and I’m glad I did 🙂 I saw my OB yesterday, and did have a scan. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. Thank you for consistently investing time and interest in our family.

Here’s another round of my early thoughts on this pregnancy. I ask again for your understand at some of my “downer” thoughts. They were confusing, difficult days, and it was super hard to figure out my emotions. I don’t anticipate it’ll get a whole lot easier as time goes by, but I’m trying. I felt like these days were important to record, even though I’m posting them after the fact. I want to remember some of these things, even though they aren’t all easy.

*****

October 30

Remember those mini M&Ms that would come in those cylindrical containers? Brady found one me one floating around the pantry last night for a treat. I needed a snack because I’ve chewed my nails and fingers down so so far, and it was time to focus my attention on something else. Turns out the little container is even better than the candies, because it makes that cute little popping sound when you open it. Its a good toy to keep my hands busy. Now if only my fingertips weren’t on fire and the container didn’t actually hurt to play with…

I found out today my OB moved offices. I had no knowledge of this. Trying to get in touch with her at the new place was difficult. I was on hold forever to super loud hold music, and then the receptionist couldn’t seem to figure out what I wanted. To leave a message! That was all! She insisted I make an appointment, but then chastised me for making one because it was too early in my pregnancy. She wouldn’t listen to my history. When it finally all boiled down, she booked me with a different doctor. 😩 This does not leave me feeling confident.

October 31

I got my blood work done today. Getting a baseline level of hcg. I’ll go back in every three days for a little while to make sure my levels are rising as they’re supposed to. The nurse was awful to me. She made no eye contact and when I tried to speak to her, she just consistently wouldn’t respond. It was weird and off putting. I know I’m not some breakable, fragile, piece of glass, but she did not leave me feeling well cared for or comfortable. Not the best.

I cancelled my upcoming appointment with my OB. That whole debacle trying to get a hold of them and simply leave a message left a bad taste in my mouth :/ 

We’re going trick or treating tonight with the kids. Its hard to shake off the fact that we’d have a little baby Theo joining our crew of cuties. If things had gone differently, we’d be a group of seven instead of six.

I just booked an ultrasound for next week. Kill me now. I’ve never felt so sick about an ultrasound until this one. Because I know that my dates are off, because I know I didn’t ovulate on the 14th day of my cycle, but being that everything is based off of the first day of my last cycle, I’m “supposed” to see 6 weeks worth of baby in there, and I know there will only be 5, if any :/ And I know thats ok, but its going to be “concerning,” just because. Ugh.

November 1

Its officially no longer “miscarriage and infant loss awareness month.” I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t plan to be any less aware.

Brady had a dream last night that we miscarried this baby. Ugh. Gross.

My skin is such a loser. I am breaking out like there’s no tomorrow, and I have a big ole gross crusty red zit right in the centre of my forehead. In case anyone wants to be able to look at me and know my hormones are raging just based on that.

November 2

Second round of blood work done and done! The nurse was so much better this time. We talked loss and overcoming hard things. I made the mistake of giving her the same arm I used last time. Now it HURTS. I hate having my blood taken but really, take it every day, every hour, I don’t care anymore.

PLEASE DOUBLE!!

Come on, Dr Guselle! I’m itching for answers!!

She called!! My hcg did more than just double, but went from 202 – 575!! What a relief! We had a nice chat about how hcg grows and whether there will be a heartbeat at the early ultrasound I booked. We made a standing plan with that, and decided to give my body the weekend and recheck the hcg on Monday morning. Towards the end of our call, she said “Its going to be so fun to plan out your delivery date and all of those little details.” I made some comment along the long of “I hope so” and she said, once again, that I have done this well four times before, and that she is confident it will happen again! Maybe just lip service, but she’s not that kind of woman. It was a lovely encouragement. I’m so hoping this all goes through ❤️ Stick, baby! STICK!

Mmmmm. Going to bed feels SO much better with these results.

November 3

It definitely feels better to know my hcg numbers were good yesterday. I hope they stay good. I feel super irritable today. Maybe just because its been suggested that I’m irritable today. Folks, don’t say that to people.

I bought the baby a Christmas present. I know, its too early, and it still might die. But I just don’t want to live like that.

November 4

I went to the Christmas marketplace this morning. It made me want to buy little toques for the extra kid I should have.

November 5

I feel car sick and gaggy. I wonder if my baby is alive, or I’m just feeling sick along with the rest of my family.

November 6

Blood work again today. And once again, it more than doubled! We’re at 3375, and the minimum we were looking for was 2300! Decided to go forward with an early ultrasound in two days. But WOW how pregnancy looks different this time. My doctor and I decided, since its so early to have an ultrasound, I’ll go for blood work on Wednesday right before the ultrasound, so even if we don’t see a heartbeat, we’ll have hcg numbers. If they’re still going up at a good pace, we can be more confident that the baby is safe, and just still little. And if there’s a problem, we’ll have our numbers that way too. I don’t think I’ve ever covered my butt this much from myself. Does that make any sense? Protecting myself from myself?

November 7

Dr Guselle had Brady pick up a bundle of papers for me today. It was a blood form good for a years worth of hcg tests, and SIX ultrasound requisitions. She knows I’m going to be there a lot. I’m so glad she understands where I’m coming from.

November 8

I went for another round of blood work this morning, and then straight to an ultrasound. It was SO great to see my favourite tech, and she was so sweet to us, saying she was happy to see our names on the list for the day. While we didn’t see the heartbeat we had SO hoped for, the dates of what she saw lined up better with my suspicions about how far along I am. I know the first day of my last period, which everything is based off of, but I’m pretty confident I ovulated very late, meaning I wouldn’t be as far along as my dates would say. So I was prepared for the possibility. We agreed to leave the internal ultrasound for today, just because of all my losses this year, we’d rather not pose ANY risk to the little baby in there. Better luck next time! We’ll try again next week.

*****

Hopefully only one more instalment of backlogged thoughts and feelings on my pregnancy after a loss and a loss. Bear with me, friends.

Thank you, friends, for your care and love for our family. We covet your prayers and your help over the coming weeks and months, as we are already feeling quite in need of both. Its been a tricky few weeks already, yet I feel the occasional rush comfort and peace and strong belief that God is in full control. Do I believe we’ll see this out until next summer? Thats iffy, but I want to believe it. I’m working on that. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, quickly go read yesterdays post.)

One of the more difficult things about keeping a pregnancy a secret is that I can’t really talk through how I feel on here. Of course, I have my husband and the small handful of people who know in advance, but something about writing stuff out really helps me clear my head. Remember when I kept these things under my hat for a full trimester??? How did I ever do that?! This time around, I took the time, and I made notes each day (I think) so I could post them after the fact, and you could all know my thoughts in the very beginning, even before we see a heartbeat and have no idea whats to come. I wrote notes through countless amounts of blood work, appointments, symptoms, and everything I was feeling.

With today already being a bit discombobulated, and myself being a bit grouchy and over today a bit too early, I thought it would be fitting to share my first entry from that chunk of ramblings. My thoughts on finding out we’re pregnant.

Please give me some grace as you read.

*****

October 29

I’ve known I am pregnant for three days. Three. One two three. It seems like a short time, but in those days, I’ve had a LOT of time to think about the position I find myself in. That ever so incredible knocked up position.

My heart is tied up in such a variety of feelings, and I’m not sure its worth the amount of effort it would take to try and sort them out. I’m going to attempt it, but be ready for quite a messy post.

If I’m going to state the obvious, I’m going to throw it into the early chunk of this post. I am pretty freaked out. I am elated!! Thrilled! Delighted! Relieved! Disbelieving! Amazed! Completely beside myself! And in amongst all of that, I’m folded over, limp, just waiting for my baby to die. Ugh. I don’t mean to be morbid, but its almost impossible not to lay that out on the table here. I don’t want fear to win. If you’ve followed me for any amount of time this year, you know I REFUSE to let fear win! But yikes, it would be easy to just let it. I’m hoping that, by addressing my fear openly, honestly, and head on, God will give me that strength that I need to get my head on straight and trust Him with the life of this little baby. Because that baby isn’t mine. None of my babies are “mine.” They are somewhat mine, but ultimately, they are God’s babies! 🎶 He’s got the tiny little baby in his hands 🎶 right? I know this as truth, and I’m clinging pretty desperately to it. But my gosh. It is SO hard not to dwell on the negatives.

Every cramp has me thinking I’m about to miscarry. Every time I’m cold, I pin it to a possible fever, hypothetically leading to an infection. Every bathroom break has me checking for blood. I am aware. Of. Everything. And I’m only three days in. 🙈 This is NOT how I want to feel for the next nine months.

Three days only. My body remembers being pregnant recently. Before I even got a positive test, I was a tiny bit suspicious. I started peeing way more than usual. I was very weepy. My face broke out BAD. I was getting those insane hormone-induced nightmares I’m always graced with when I get pregnant. Soon, though, I quashed those ideas when a symptom or two of an impending period came about. But it never came, and rather, I got those two pink lines on a pee stick, and those silly little signals made sense.

My body knew. I don’t blame it for knowing. It was there so recently, and then so recently before that time, too. I both love and hate that it remembers so well. I sure hope it remembers how to be full term pregnant this time. What am I going to do if we lose a third? All in the same year! Though I guess technically Theo died right over Christmas in 2016, and we just didn’t find out until 2017. That doesn’t really make it better, though…

I’m so so grateful to once again be carrying a baby. I love this child so greatly, which is just so scary. I pondered on a post a while back whether a person could protect their heart without closing it. I still don’t know the answer. My heart is so stinking wide open, and I want it to be open!, but its feet feel shaky and uncertain. (Yes, my heart has feet.) Are my head and heart competing? Will they ever agree on this subject? Will it always be this difficult to convince myself of the truth, or will the two eventually line up and the struggle to trust God with my family not be such a struggle? I honestly don’t know the answer. Don’t worry, I don’t expect you guys to have the answers either.

I’ve been wondering what things will look like this time around. I put a long list of wonderings and questions in this post, and to tell you truth, I have none of the answers. I guess this its time to start figuring some of them out, though I’m hoping much of it will just come naturally. When to tell the kids. When to announce it. How soon I’ll emotionally attach to this baby, and to what extent. If I’ll buy baby things. If I’ll allow myself to plan at all. If I’ll do a blog series following the pregnancy again. I loved doing the last one…

I have no idea how this pregnancy will look. I wish I could just see into the future, and know that my baby will be ok. I think thats what many of us would choose, if given the opportunity. But then who would have faith? No one, thats who! If we always knew what was coming, no one would ever need faith. In the same way, no one can know BIG joy if they’ve never known BIG sorrow.

I’ve sat so long trying to piece this post together in a way that makes sense that my nose is cold. Thats how long I’ve been sitting unmoving, pouring over my laptop. Its time to stop. It felt good to decompress this way, even though I can’t post about it yet. Hopefully soon. So many people have come alongside our family, and built us an immense support system, and I’m just itching to tell them this wonderful news!

*****

Thats it for today, friends. Once again, a BIG thank you to everyone who reached out and congratulated us, or offered prayers, or both! I used to feel more important the more likes and comments I got, but I strangely prefer this, where just the people that really want to know get to know <3 Our family appreciates you all so much!! Thanks for being part of this with us.

As we’ve been creeping towards the end of the year, I’ve been looking back on our year quite a bit. Its been a huge year, with all kinds of new experiences. I’ve said a lot in the past that I don’t feel like a grown up yet, and I’ve wondered when I’d feel fully like an adult. Honestly, this year did it. I gained some new life experience this year that shaped me in so many different ways, and it has been really really hard. Remember how, at the end of last year, everyone was celebrating such a hard year finally being over? Well, 2017 wasn’t a great one for us after all, though I did learn a lot.

Something big that I learned this year is that God is in control, but in a different way than I had ever really had to think about before. We have suffered through some pretty difficult things, but we have also been amazed at how many prayers have been answered! And how quickly they have been answered! God has been surprisingly merciful, and I have never paid much attention to that gift from God until recently. With that, I know just how closely He is watching my family. He is ALWAYS with us. He never left. He knows our desires, and He knows what we need.

He knows how often I reminisce about telling the kids about Theo last Christmas.
He knows my fear of and simultaneous desire to plan ahead.
He knows how often I replay the first nurse in antepartum telling me what was going to happen, and how we both cried.
He knows how much I wish I didn’t want anymore kids, because it would all just be so much easier not to.
He knows we’re not done, though.

I feel like I’ve written this blog before, but we are here again. I am pregnant. Only a little bit pregnant so far, but there is tiny little life tucked in my womb. I am begging for God to let this baby hold on tight, and that he/she can come home to us next year. I flip flop between excitement and excuses. Joy and fear. Planning for baby to live, or to die. Its impossible to know how it will look.

Its been a very strange couple of weeks, navigating how to proceed. I wrote a post a long time ago with a lot of “I wonders” and “what ifs” in it, and now, I’m trying to figure that all out. Its a lot, and the uncertainty of whats to come is fairly all-consuming. But I’m trying.

I’ve been trying to remember that, what happened last time with Jamin is not common. Its not normal. It was something awful, and surprising, and unexpected by everyone. But him passing away does not mean that this baby will do the same. This is a new pregnancy, a new circumstance, and a new baby. When I mange to push my fears aside, I am back in my first pregnancy, blissfully unaware of anything scary that could happen, and already counting down the days to the day the baby will be born. I can’t help but look ahead to early next summer and squeal at the thought of sharing July, my birth month, with my baby. To bring my fifth child home as I’m about to turn 30. To throw a PARTY for that kid, so all of you (no joke) can come and meet, hold, and celebrate the baby. I absolutely ache with anticipation.

Please, try to understand me when we talk. If I seem negative, I’m not a downer. I’m trying to be straightforward and realistic. Know how hurt my heart has been, how much I still miss my lost babies, and how vulnerable I feel. Hold my hands so I stop chewing my fingers in anxiety. Understand that, sometimes, feeling excited makes me feel guilty. I conceived a baby around this time last year and have nothing to show for it besides a couple of little teddies on my shelf, a looser tummy, and a lot of new perspective. Its been a long road, and I’m still on it.

This feels like one of the stranger pregnancy announcements I’ve ever put out there, but there you have it. We are in the very beginning stages of my seventh pregnancy, and I am grateful for every single day I am able to carry this life. We have seen a heart beating, and are actively praying it keeps doing exactly that! Please join us in prayer and celebration of our little Bambino!

Remember yesterday, when I said I liked this part of winter, and how excited I was to go to the Enchanted Forest? I take it all back!!! Lol! Ok, I’m only partly serious 😉 Somewhat serious, but not completely.

For those who don’t live around here, the Enchanted Forest is this beautiful area of the city that is set up with tons of Christmas light displays. Its usually something that you pay a charge for, per vehicle, and drive through it. Honestly, I’ve always found it to be overpriced to just drive in a circle for a few minutes when you can just drive through the city and observe everyone else’s lights. However, yesterday was an event that was just for people who wanted to walk it. The charge was less, the lights were going to be beautiful, and we decided it would be a fun event we could justify doing as a family. We coerced my parents and Jerilee to join us, and set up a plan.

The goal was to arrive there right around opening time so we could get parking fairly easily, and could get a quick start on it, since our children usually disintegrate right around 7:00. Its hard to stretch that with them, so we aimed to start early. But as things tend to happen, we got on the road a bit later than usual and arrived at the right place a half hour after opening.

Guys. It was a disaster. At first. Finding parking was bananas, but we did it. We pulled out the sleds but the kids kept slipping around on them. We packed them in with blankets, but then they were sitting too close, apparently. And Solly was wailing. We weren’t even out of the parking lot and had to change around who was sitting with who a number of times, to try to level out the sleds reasonably. It quickly became clear that Solly was going to cry the entire time he was in a sled. Therefore, he was a solid chunk of crying dead weight to carry. We were all trying, but it was pretty frustrating. We weren’t at a path right away, and we were trying to drag them through pretty hefty snow. Dekker was sitting right on the back of his sled, and it kept getting stuck in the snow. I’d give it a good yank and he would spill out of the sled. Over and over and over again. Luckily, that was completely hilarious, and I laughed so hard that I juuuuust about peed. I’m not even kidding. There was bending over and crossing of legs, laughing SO hard. We finally made it to a path that led us to a shockingly long line of people waiting to enter the enchanted forest. In that moment, we debated turning around. Solly was crying so much already, and the kids were complaining. It was SO cold, the wind just biting. But, we went for it. We got in line, and didn’t wait too terribly long before we got up to the front. We handed the guy cash for our family and he gave us a deal. We should’ve cost $15 and got in for $10! Woot! We were SO eager to get in, sure that everyone would settle once there were beautiful lights to see.

And it sort of worked. The kids in the sleds were quiet and entertained, and Solly quieted, but he had to be carried the whole time. And guys, he was freeeeezing. Everyone was solidly bundled, but it just wasn’t cutting it, with the kids not running around or moving. They all were just stationary, and frozen. Finally, it became clear that we had to pick up the pace and get things moving, because they kids were just stinking cold. Now, having driven through this display before, it always felt fast. But guys, we were pushing through for a solid 1.5 hours. At least. We tried to point out the things to the kids that they’d like the most (foxes for Rowan, purple for Laela, all the Noah’s Ark animals for Dekker, etc.) but otherwise, we put our heads down and pulled those sleds hard. I carried Solly for a good chunk of it but he is just so heavy, and then puffy with all of his snow stuff on, and then weepy and leany and just hard to handle. I traded off with Brady after a while but the sleds hurt my back to pull too. But we made it happen, and tried to make the most of it. SO many times, we thought it was the end, but it just kept on going! The never ending Christmas lights display. There was even a part that said “Thank you for coming,” But there was still tons left! Hahaha!! I tried to keep it funny, but we were all pretty over it. I made jokes about regretting this decision, but while actually regretting the decision…

Getting back to the van was also an ordeal, and the kids were absolutely frozen. Frozen, as in we were taking their boots and mitts off to give their skin a chance to meet the warmth of the van. We put them in car seats and wrapped them in blankets and cranked the heat. Dekker was in good spirits, but when I sat on him (which I tend to do when I’m buckling Rowan up) he was physically shivering under me. Rowan seemed game for whatever. I asked how his feet were – freezing or ok? He told me they were ok. I asked “what about your mitts?” He held them up to me, and I asked if I should take them off. “Uuuhh, ya ok!” He was totally fine! It was awesome. We left quickly and unceremoniously. Laela was shaking and crying. Solly was losing it.

We weren’t even out of the parking lot before Solly was asleep, and Laela followed behind within minutes. Dekker and Rowan seemed strangely unphased by the whole thing, making jokes and being super hyper. Dekker asked if they could have a treat. Since we skipped out on the promise of hot chocolate and popcorn provided (because we just needed to finish up and go home) we agreed with Dekker, and promised to drive through at McDonalds and get them some cookies.

Once all three older ones were awake and enjoying a cookie, I talked to them about their stellar attitudes, and how we knew how cold they were, yet they kept on their happy faces and seemed to be really thankful to have gone. Laela was still covered in tears, her face just streaked and red, her hands shaking, but she reassured me that she was happy we had gone. The boys literally cheered from the back (because they were SO hyper.) It was adorable and made the whole thing feel more worth it than it had before. I was pretty choked in the beginning, but this helped a lot.

Upon getting home, the big kids peed and everyone went straight to bed. Yes, we had dressed them in sweats and cozy things before we left for this exact reason. Dekker and Rowan were still buzzing, while Laels was happy to snuggle into bed, and Solly barely woke up when I took him out of his snow stuff and laid him down. Once their doors were closed, however, the monitor didn’t trip once.

We all slept until 8:00 at least, some of them until 9:00. Unbelievable. Worth it, totally.

I have no pictures to show for last night, since it felt pretty survival-ish, but it was good 🙂 A different kind of good. Not easy good. Not cozy good. Not at all. But I’m glad we went!

I’m thinking the festival of trees will be the only other event we’ll try for this Christmas season, if we even do. But its an indoor event, sooooo there’s the appeal right there! Christmas lights and a lack of wind! What more does a person need??

Stay warm, folks!

I admit, there are things that I like about winter. Not many, but some. These days, I’m finally seeing some winter things that bring me some joy.

The biggest things that I am enjoying are the BEAUTIFUL snowfalls, covering everything in a thick white layer! We’ve had a handful of them, and I’ve been able to open my curtains and actually enjoy what I’m seeing! Today, as I look our my windows, I see a peaceful outdoors, with no strong winds or dangerous melting. The sun is shining, and at the same time, I am snuggled up in a soft sweatshirt and a blanket, cozy, just like I like it.

Cozy has sort of been my theme over these last few months. It wasn’t an intentional shift, but I think it was a physical way for me to find some comfort, and I’ve just gone with it. I LOVE being cozy, as does the rest of my family. So, I’m often snuggled in a blanket, even when moving through the house. I never expected to find something positive and cozy about winter that wasn’t a forced need for warmth. If not for the snow outside, I wouldn’t be able to be snuggled in my comfiest clothes with a blanket thrown over my shoulders. Soup is on the stove, and Laela is watching Frozen. Finally, winter feels good.

Remind me of this tonight when we all go walk the Enchanted Forest in Saskatoon! Hopefully I still feel some love towards this season at that point… Anyone else going?

Something changed in Dekker a while ago, and I’m not sure I’ve addressed it on the blog before! Its so small, but SO good! Weird good. I don’t know, lol! The background of it is good 🙂 You’ll get it.

I KNOW that my son has had a good day at school when he comes home like this.

This kid used to FREAK out if he was ever messy. For those reasons, he would not paint, play with play dough, eat finger food, play in the dirt, etc. He positively could not handle it. For the record, it was handy for a time, and I liked how much he disliked being messy, but it was not something we pushed for. We wanted him to play, and sometimes it was a HUGE pain when he didn’t want to go outside or run around the same way. Kindergarten broke him into some of those things, and he had to stretch. And it helped! I remember him telling me about a kid spilling juice on his hoodie one day. He cried through the story, and was very upset by his messy clothes. But not too long after that, he came home once again doused in food, but very casually said he had spilled his (purple, that day) apple sauce on himself. No biggie for him. A pain to get the stain out, lol, but in that moment, I knew there had been a shift. Messes happen. No bigs. Just life.

But now, the kid comes home everyday with a new look. Its usually marker on his face, and aaaaall over his hands. I’ll point it out and make a joke about it, and he will say something like “Whoops! Must’ve had too much fun…” or something else Dekker-like.

So this was him yesterday. Marker right on the end of his nose. A year or two ago, he would’ve cried until I cleaned him off. Yesterday, he laughed at himself and acted all embarrassed, but that was it. No hangups. Being the aces parent that I am, I sent him to kids club later that day with the marker still on his nose. He came home with paint on his face, so really, what was the difference. His clothes and face were a mess, and his freshly washed hair was nuts. And he was totally happy.

This seems small. Trust me, I know. Kids don’t usually care about things like this. But mine did. Like a LOT. And now, he’s totally comfortable in his own skin. Coming into kindergarten, I told his teacher I was more concerned about Dekker gaining confidence than academic skills, and he really did! He is totally comfortable in his own skin, whether its messy or not. And I LOVE that! Sure, kindergarten was a hard year for him. He did a lot of stretching. But it has really paid off. He was incredible before, but now he knows that he’s incredible. I love that.

You’ve heard me say it before, but I’m going there again. My kids are SO wise! Not in every single way, of course. I’m not that wise either. They’re not particularly “with it” in the scope of foresight, cause and effect, or common sense all the time. But I’m regularly blown away by the way my kids can just choose to turn their attitudes around, and actually roll with it, without any bad feelings towards anyone else. That is so hard for me, sometimes, and I’m always surprised when they just accept tough stuff and keep moving forward.

Last night was very difficult for me. I fell asleep around 10:30-ish, which is a good time for me. However, I woke up sometime shortly after midnight and was up until about 4:30. I lay in bed and relived all kinds of overwhelming things in my life. I finally decided that wasn’t healthy so I sat up and tried to rest my brain a little bit and read a few things off my phone. No dice. It seemed that Solly had lulled along with me, and was constantly tripping the monitor, though not crying, necessarily. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I got up to try and help him, even though he just seemed to be hanging out in his bed. But as I got up, he started wailing. So I went to check on him and he was all hot and bothered. I couldn’t tell if he was hot from crying, or fevered. His legs and back were hot, but not really his head. I couldn’t figure it out. As I held him and he calmed down, he seemed to get hotter. I went to lay him back down after a while and he instantly started screaming again. I hate when he gets so worked up because he only gets hotter faster. I knew he needed medicine, but the longer he lay screaming in his bed, the more likely he’d wake the rest of the kids up, and then who knows if they’d go back to sleep. You moms of many know, its a hard thing to navigate. I finally gave up, in a full state of exhaustion and frustration, I woke Brady. He jumped right up and got Solly’s medicine for me while I held him and calmed him down again. And after a little bit, I was able to lay him back down and he quieted shortly there after. But Brady and I were up, obviously. We watched a bit of Big Bang Theory before I fell asleep, right around the time Brady had to get up for work. I slept maybe another two hours before I had to get up and get everyone to bed. Not my best night. Not even close.

So, if you can’t tell where this is going, I had a pretty crappy attitude when I got up. I wasn’t a jerk to the kids, thankfully I was able to keep that mostly together, but I felt like garbage. I was somewhat disoriented, felt sick, and I was running on fumes straight out the gate, which is not a good start off. This morning was also one where I had to bring all of the kids with me to get Dekker to school, so I ended up having to wake Solly from sleep, which he loved, as you can imagine. So he and I both were feeling it pretty hard this morning.

Once Dekker was at school and the I was home with the three, Solly came over to my chair and crawled up onto my lap. And then, he taught me how to be a better adult. He was wiped, that kid. SO tired. If I reached my hand out to stroke his hair, he’d quickly lay his face in my hand and just lay still there, with me holding his head up.

Or he’d lie down across my body, so so still. But then, he’d stick his blanket in his mouth, and slowly crawl up to my face and get RIGHT up into it, and giggle like a crazy person. He was SO tired that he couldn’t open his eyes all the way, yet he was making a point to make jokes. He kept his happy attitude on full time, and he just took little rests as needed. But his GOAL was to be friendly, and peachy, and charming, and adorable, and it totally worked. All of it.

I love that he was so clearly exhausted, but made a noticeable effort to be pleasant. Why is that so hard for me? Why is it SO much easier to just pout and be grouchy? Isn’t it technically easier and healthier to smile than to frown? I, as an adult, struggle with this, but my 1.5 year old is apparently amazing at self regulating.

I had to ditch out on our snuggle after a while to pee (because coffeeeee) and he waited for me, in the exact same spot I had left him. Once again, smiling. No fuss that his mama was leaving like so often is the case.

He’s a pretty good buddy on such a grouchy day. Its less grouchy now, thats for sure. Good reminders, all around.

Way to be happy when you’re sleepy, Solly Wolly!!