I had every intention to start my blog series today. I was actually pretty excited about it, too! I have a name picked, and a few topics sort of laid out. But because of a few dumb (yes, I know they’re dumb) hangups, I’m not ready to start :/ Ugh. I AM ready, but I’m not. Its so frustrating to be in my head.

Hangup number one is that I can’t figure out how to take a belly picture. I remember how surprised I was that I was showing at 8 weeks with Theo, and then relieved to show so early again with Jamin. It made things feel a bit more real. Real talk here. I haven’t lost any of my baby weight I gained in my pregnancy with Jamin. If nothing else, I’ve probably gained a little. I’m NOT saying my body is bad, or ugly, or whatever else. But its different. I’m thicker than I was, about 15 lbs up from where I started my pregnancy with Jamin. So I don’t have a bump yet. Except the general bump that is my stomach. It wouldn’t really make sense to take a picture. I can’t really figure out how I feel about all of that, so because I’m hung up on taking a side shot of my new, thicker frame, and I don’t want to post my first series post with no picture, it waits.

Hangup number two is more relevant to me, and more honest with you. I’m just scared :/ Plain old scared. The last few weeks, I’ve been having ultrasounds on Mondays. This week, I booked my ultrasound for Thursday. Because I haven’t seen that baby’s heart today, I’m nervous to post. I know none of it would be my fault, but what if I started the series, and found out just days later that the baby was gone?? I hated closing off my last series so early, and I know that can happen at any time, so I can’t totally protect myself from that, but I’m seeing that its going to take more balls to actually start this one. Sigh.

So I’m feeling a tad discouraged, but Brady’s work schedule just shifted and he’s coming home early today and is home tomorrow! Surprise!!! I’m so glad <3 This week was shaping up to feel a litle daunting, so this helps a little.

Sorry for dropping the ball on this series. Maybe next week.

If any of you have ever been on a sleep aid, you’ve probably noticed that it changes your sleep cycles a little bit. The medication that pregnant women can take during pregnancy is actually sold over the counter in the states under a different name, and its marketed as a sleep aid. And WOW, does it deliver. While it takes the edge off of my nausea (which I am super grateful for) it leaves me feeling pretty out to lunch most days. Last week was the most fatigued I’ve felt so far in this pregnancy, and really, in any pregnancy that I can remember. I’ve been dozing off in the days and falling asleep in the evenings VERY early. When it is finally bedtime, I fall asleep easily, but my sleep is restless and choppy. Waking up is HARD, and I hit the snooze button at least twice every morning, something that I didn’t ever do before this week. And when I do drag myself out of bed, I throw on the clothes closest to me, stumble my way downstairs and take – you guessed it! My sleeping pill. Because if I don’t, I’d be sick as a dog. Or sicker. I don’t know. I don’t have a dog…

So, now that you know how my day-to-day looks, I’ll talk about this morning. I was up at least four times last night, thought it could’ve been more. I definitely remember four times. In between that, there were many time I remember thinking “How long have I been awake?” So I don’t know if those are long stretches of time, or just multiple wakings, or maybe I’m just sleeping light. I remember this in my last pregnancy, too. I slept the nights up, exhausted, and disoriented. Its pretty challenging, and coffee isn’t sitting especially well these days. At least not until I’ve been up for a few hours. So this morning, I woke up after my restless night and we decided to go to church this morning. I couldn’t bear to drag my butt out of bed until I absolutely had to, so there was no shower for me. My stringy, disgusting, neglected hair was thoroughly doused in dry shampoo and braided to the side to help me appear human. I put on makeup, but realized as I was leaving that I had forgotten both concealer and lipstick. This girl needed concealer today, and if you know me, you know I love lipstick. If you do nothing else, do lips, and you look put together. And I did not.

We made our way to church, 5/6 washed and dressed in clean clothes, and then there was me. I’m sure everyone noticed just how zombie I looked. A little ways into church, I was able to stomach some coffee, and I ate a crushed bag of Ritz bits out of the bottom of the diaper bag. Because, desperation. I’ll be the first to admit that I was NOT set up for church today.

But we all lived, and church was good. Its always lovely to be back in our loving church community, learning of the needs of people, some that I can even help with. Its good to hug our friends that we only seem to see on Sundays. Its good to participate in some decision making as church members. It was good to listen to our pastors teachings, and sing along to the worship music prepared. Its always fulfilling to go to church.

Let’s be honest. I feel pretty out to lunch today, and am in worse shape than I would be had we not gone to church. But its always good to remember that we don’t have to be at the top of our game to go and receive church as its offered, to put into the church, and to fellowship with the people we love. God promises to give us rest, and you’d better believe I feel weary, and eager to accept that rest.

This morning, while setting up some music with a friend, a song brought a thought forward to me, and I feel the need to hash it out a little.

Its almost Christmas. Looking back to where I was last Christmas has been a hard thing for me over the last couple of weeks. Last Christmas, we told the kids we were pregnant with our little schnookums, Theo. I was 8 weeks when we told them. Little did we know, we stopped growing just days later, and lived in my womb for another 3-ish weeks before we found out he was gone. But we were eight weeks pregnant at Christmas. This year, we’ll hopefully be 12 weeks pregnant. Hopefully. While I know there has been more to this year than our sorrow alone, its easy to look at this year and think that, in 52 weeks, we only moved 4 weeks further ahead. And thats IF we keep moving ahead. Its felt like a year of back pedalling. Two weeks forward, 18 weeks back, 17 weeks forward, 10 weeks back, 8 weeks forward… We need more forward weeks.

Trust me, friends. I know there is more to life than having babies. I was so ignorant and unknowing about things like infertility or infant loss until I began having children and learned of how many people just ache for them, but haven’t been able to have them, for one reason or another. There are also many people who live amazing, fulfilling lives and who don’t want children. I’m not saying having babies is the end all and be all. Not everyone HAS to have children. I cannot stress this enough. I do NOT think my life is more important than yours! Hear me in this! But guys, my heart is there. My heart just hurts for a big family, and sometimes I forget just how good I have it. I do see it, I promise.

We have moved forward this year. More than just four weeks. Its hard to see past what we lost and pinpoint what we’ve gained. I won’t lie. I have a hard time nailing done what we’ve accomplished, but I know those details are there. Dekker and Laela accepted Jesus into their hearts this year, and I know that our experience losing Theo played a large role in that. It also eased their precious hearts when we lost Jamin a few months after that. The talk of salvation and Jesus and Heaven has been exciting for everyone around here, and if that’s all we “gained” this year, I’d say thats a pretty good takeaway.

There are still a few more weeks to make December great, and to “gain ground” in our lives. I know that opportunity never goes away, but its easy to remember where you were at the same time last year. How far have you guys come? <3

So I napped twice yesterday. Conveniently, Brady was home so it was possible. He hauled all of the kids to school to pick Dekker up so I could have some peace and quiet, and WOW did I use it! It was so good to sleep in the day, but even with two naps, I was nodding off before 9:30. I swear, I don’t think I have ever been this tired in a pregnancy before! Oy!

Today has been much of the same, save for the fact that Brady is not at home. I was falling asleep at the breakfast table, but managed to wait until around 10:00 before I truly couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I had the three kids in my care, so rather than going and laying down in bed, I snuggled into my recliner and dozed for a bit. I could still hear a lot of what was going on, and I was definitely still in control, but I was also sleeping on and off. I heard lots of racing around the island, lots of stories read to each other, Rowan made a few phone calls (on pretend phones) to “Dr ‘Selle,” where he exclaimed over and over again that she was buying me a pizza. And multiple times, I heard “Oh! Sshh! Mommy’s ‘teepin’! I have something for her,” and someone would gently stack yet another stuffed animal or blanket on top of me. It wasn’t the most restful sleep I’ve ever had but I really liked it. Was a VERY cute nap.

I have since woken up from my nap (obviously) and played with, fed, and watered my children. Two fo them are napping, and the girly and I are watching some Magic School Bus. I won’t lie. I expect I’ll nap again, here in my chair, while she watches some tv and relaxes herself. Should be an ultra-relaxing afternoon. At least thats what I’m counting on!! Hopefully Dekker is on board with it when he gets home.

And, for the evening, Jerilee is coming over for some trashy tv, and a new Instapot Soup. Nothing says relaxing like soup and low maintenance friendships.

I’ve been feeling more beat than usual these past few days. Not unheard of at this stage of the game, obviously, but there’s been a noticeable shift. After bringing Laela to preschool this morning, I went to sit on the recliner in the living room and ended up dozing off. I would occasionally wake up to warm air on my face, and I’d open my eyes, only to be greeted by Solomon’s face directly in front of mine, staring at me, nose breathing onto my face. As soon as I’d open my eyes, he’s squeal or laugh or both. I never lasted long before closing my eyes again, but it became a very slow motion game of peekaboo. It was a hilarious (and consistent) wakeup call for quite a while.

I don’t know how long I slept that way, but eventually my alarm went off to notify me it was time to pick Laela up from preschool. Don’t judge me for setting an alarm, lol! I do it every preschool day, kids club evening, and anything outside of regular school hours. Because, these days, like most everything down, if its not written down or recorded somehow, it doesn’t exist. If I didn’t set an alarm, I’d probably forget to pick them up. No joke. Mom of the year award does not go to me in this case, lol!

I was a yawning mess at preschool pickup, but a few of the moms there know I’m pregnant, so there was no judgement. We all had a brief chat about just how tired/sick we were during which pregnancy, and boiled it down to the fact that building a human is just hard hard work.

Brady checked the pregnancy apps we follow today, in hopes of finding out why I was quite so wiped. Maybe its a bigger week than normal? But it doesn’t really seem to be. Baby is around the size of a square 2×2 Lego brick. Growing hair follicles, eyelids are fusing shut, etc. Nothing too crazy seems to be happening. Though the app did say the baby was moving around like crazy, and at our ultrasound earlier this week, there was no movement yet at all. Maybe thats just started and is exhausting my body?? I don’t know, but whatever is going on, I am wiped out. I’m writing this from my bed, where I will likely fall asleep again in the next half hour or so. Don’t let me forget to take my medication before I nap, though! I forgot it yesterday until mid-afternoon, and WOW did I regret it!

I’m SO thankful that everyone has already lost their marbles, meaning that they will ALL nap. Everyone, including me.

This morning, Facebook offered me my “on this day” memories while I was still in bed. I went to look through them, and ended up reading the short little blog entry I posted last year. Dekker had missed a day of school due to illness, and I talked about taking him to school the next day. He had cooperated with me, come to school no problem, but when I knelt down to hug him, he had locked eyes with me and said very quietly that he wanted to stay home. He had looked like he was going to cry. I had hugged him and pep talked him a little bit, and he understood that he had to stay. Luckily, that day had smoothed out well, because a couple of other kids were waiting to play with him, and he was included instantly. But it was really eye opening to read that post and remember where we were, and how far we’ve come.

Our mornings around here are pretty standard. Breakfast, bathroom, teeth, clothes, hair, done. If there’s time after that, he plays a bit, but usually its pretty quick after he’s done getting ready that he starts bundling up to leave. He used to cry when I’d tell him to put his toys away and to get his jacket on. Not anymore. He just dumps them in their spot and heads to the entrance to get ready. On days when I have help in the mornings, its just he and I. He gets bundled up and gets his backpack on. In spring, he had started having preferences about what I should wear. He liked to pick prettier shoes for me 🙂 I loved that.

As we head out to the garage, the kids all yell loud “BYEs” and “I LOVE YOUs” at each other, with some “God bless you’s” thrown in once in a while. Its cute. He buckles himself in the van and shouts “Ready!” from his spot, and we go.

We park as close to the school as we can get, and walk to the school, hand in hand. I walk him as far as his boot room and send him in on his own to put his backpack away. I used to go in with him, but the boot room is chaotic, and he’s more than capable. I wait for him outside. It only takes a few seconds before he barrels out the door and rushes at me, bellowing something at me about catching him. And he’s never kidding. He jumps up into the air and I catch him in a corny, movie-esque type scene. Since all of the sickness, I’ve been kissing his cheek, though he always tries for a mouth kiss first. We say big “I love yous” and I tell him to have a great day. He says he will, and then races for the playground without looking back. Once in a blue moon, he has turned and run back to me, saying he forgot to hug me 😉 I’m ok with that. I hope he ALWAYS hugs me in that tight headlock kind of way, and wants to kiss me goodbye. I hope it stays forever.

How far we’ve come in the last year. He likes school, and it appears that school likes him, too. I really couldn’t be prouder.

After our appointment for Rowan the other day, I spoke to his doctor and she confirmed my suspicion. She wouldn’t prescribe anything if Ro didn’t have an infection. I totally understand why not, and support her decision, but I admit that I’m fed up with waiting. However, waiting happens from time to time. So she booked him an appointment to be seen at her office by another doctor, as she herself is currently on holidays. That was yesterday afternoon.

Ro had been so cooperative at his first hearing test, I was hoping for a redo of that. He wasn’t so sure, and wailed as I hauled him out of the van. However, as soon as he was out and we were walking in, he was fine. We checked in and sat in the waiting room for a while. It wasn’t too long before he was called back. Unlike last time, he didn’t panic, and instead of me having to carry him and comfort him a little, he just walked with me. I let him “help me” by carrying my wallet, which helped, I think. He felt pretty important. He told the nurse who walked him back that it was his laptop. She got his weight, and walked us back to an exam room. We spent a few minutes pep talking about cooperating with the doctors and I encouraged him that he had done SO well at his last appointment, and he was a pro by now at getting his ears checked. He seemed to like that, though his goofy faces said otherwise.

We were joined by a medical student just a few minutes after entering the exam room. We talked just a little bit, and then she asked Rowan if he’d go sit up on the bed so she could check his ears. He politely told her he wouldn’t, haha, but I convinced him to join me up there, so he came along. He insisted she check his right ear first, so she complied, and followed with the left. And then, as I expected, she said there was some fluid in there, but no infection.

“Its all pretty normal in there, I think he’s perfect. Nothing to worry about,” she said. I went into the conversation about how every time Rowan’s ears have been checked, thats been the result. Its hard to know if its the same fluid just living in there, or it keeps forming through our houses many illnesses and colds. She pointed out that he seemed to be hearing her fine (eye roll) and I reassured her that if I had brought some background noise with me, it would be an entirely different story. She said she was going to bring in another doctor to have a look at him, and off she went. Very polite, very nice.

She brought with her two more women; a doctor and a resident. Everyone was lovely, but louder and boisterous, and I was a bit nervous Ro would clam up. But he didn’t! They were all so enamoured with him, and he just grew taller and taller as they laughed at his jokes and complimented him. It was completely adorable. He cooperated beautifully and let everyone look in his ears. It was around that time when I learned that, for some reason, they didn’t have the official report from his hearing test appointment! Dr. Guselle told me on the phone the other day that she didn’t have it, but would put it as a task on her assistant’s desk to hunt it down. And they still didn’t have it! I was kind of disappointed, because I absolutely agree that his ears don’t seem to be problematic at all, but I also live with him and see that they are not functioning 100%, and its frustrating! I wish they had that report to look over, but they didn’t. However, the doctor who was overseeing Rowan for Dr. Guselle seemed more intrigued about the fact that the background noise was what really messes him up. She said his speech is excellent for his age (win!) and thats such a big indicator of hearing. Yet, we do have a decent amount of time where we all listen to each other, like over meals, prayer time before bed, and anytime Solly isn’t being super loud. (There are not too many quiet times in our day, lol!) So he’s had a lot of time to develop his speech, but when things get loud and busy and we try to communicate with him, he gets SO frustrated!

The doctor noted that we have yet another follow up with Dr. Guselle in a couple of weeks, where she’ll assess the fluid then, and then hopefully be able to judge if its improving or not. If he hasn’t been sick recently, it should at least be slowly going down, if not all gone. If its still there, likely we’ll head in the direction of an ears, nose, and throat specialist. But this is a good start, I suppose. A bit of a fruitless appointment, but at least there is a starting point now, and we can wait to see if the fluid goes down or maintains.

All things considered, I’m SO impressed with how well Rowan handled his appointment with all the ladies. That kid is so stinking charming!

I loved putting together a blog series when I was pregnant with my little papoose. It was my first formal series, and I stuck to it. I enjoyed every aspect of it, from record keeping, to sharing pictures, to simply not having to think of what to write about that day of the week! “Expecting the Best” was something I truly loved, and it was a serious shame to wrap it up so early on.

I’d like to do a series this time around as well. I believe my last one started at seven weeks, and ‘m already a little bit further in. I’ve been a bit gun shy, for a few different reasons.

1. Super early in a pregnancy, the dates aren’t as accurate as they are around 10 weeks or so. Last time around, I had to change the dates a few weeks in when my due date moved up by five days. I didn’t like having to change the day I posted on. I wanted to keep things consistent, but I also didn’t want each series to start with “I’m however many weeks and five days today.” So waiting until a little later might be smarter.
2. I’ve had a lot to talk about since announcing this pregnancy. I’ve had more appointments and more going on in my mind that I haven’t felt the need to compress everything into one weekly post. At least personally, I don’t feel like anything has dragged too badly. So there’s been no rush on me, from me.
3. Lastly, I’ve been gun shy because you just never know how long it will last. I know, I know, I do NOT want to live in fear, waiting for the baby to die. But frankly, if its going to, it would be so much less painful for me to not have to call it quits on another series that I poured a lot of work and love into. Yet, life is fleeting, and anything can happen at any time. I can’t live like that. But I’ve been putting it off.

What do you guys think? I went in for an ultrasound this morning and we are measuring consistently with the last few weeks. I am exactly 8 weeks along today, which is one day larger than the pattern we’ve been following since my very first ultrasound at 5 weeks. Its actually been SO exciting to have these weekly scans and see how much progress happens in such a short span of time!

6 weeks: baby was 0.5 cm long, with a heart rate of 120 bpm
7 weeks: baby was 1.0 cm long, with a heart rate of 140 bpm
8 weeks: baby was 1.6 cm long, with a heart rate of 163 bpm

At this point, the date is probably pretty accurate, though it may move by a day or two. Would you all stick with me if the day of the series post changed?

If you followed the last series, did I cover all of the bases? Anything else you’d like me to talk about each week, or any questions you’d like answered? You guys know I’ll talk about juuust about anything, so feel free to ask!

So. Should I start soon? Wait for a for sure concrete date? Wait until the new year, and my second trimester? Any input would be greatly appreciated! I know I did a series last time, but for some reason, this feels like new territory. Thats probably a good thing, going along with the reminder that this is a new pregnancy, new situation, new baby.

I went to church this morning on my own. I had committed to helping with worship, and we were going to go as a family, but three of the kids had really choppy nights/early mornings and were in no shape to be at church. So I went by myself, first to music practice, and then to the service, while Brady held down the fort at home.

At least, he did that for part of the morning! Our amazing neighbour across the street invited the kids to join her in decorating her Christmas tree!! This is not the first time she’s requested them come join her in a job/event at her house, and they love it! Brady got them dressed and sent them over to “help” with the tree. So he got some one on one time with Solly while the other kids got a bit of an outing.

While they decorated, and Brady hung with Solly, I told our whole church about our pregnancy. It felt good to get it off my chest, even though its not something I had to do. Its something I really wanted to do, but it took a little psyching up before I was able to actually voice it. When I finally had shared, I felt some relief. Now, I know that my baby is going to be washed over with more prayer still, beyond all of the amazing support and prayers we already have!!

On my way out of church, many people hugged me and encouraged me and promised to pray. Nothing but support. It was pretty incredible, and refreshing.

I feel, now, like all of my bases have been covered in this. Our families know, out closest friends know, everyone who invests in and follows our family through the blog knows, and now our church knows. Hopefully ALL of us can celebrate victories all along the way, specifically at the end, in July, when we bring this baby home! What an amazing day that will be. 💓

One of the “I wonders” I’ve been struggling with is when to tell the kids about the baby. They’ve already experienced a lot of loss this year, and while they may not have grasped it the same way I did as an adult, they understood more than I expected, and grieved right along with us. Brady and I knew we wanted to tell them soon enough, but we figured that might be around Christmas. Its only one more month. Or maybe, at some point, they’d end up in an ultrasound with us, and then they’d figure it out pretty easily. So we were just waiting for the right time.

This morning, as I got dressed, I realized how unflattering my shirt was. I haven’t lost any weight since losing Jamin, which I think is actually a blessing in disguise, but I’m not as thin as I usually am. This morning, however, looking at my figure from the side, I felt very pudgy. I’m not “showing” at all, but I’m very bloated and loose and I feel icky about my body. Its done a lot of things this year, and its not what it was a year ago, thats for sure. But I rocked the shirt anyway, because who cares? I was just running in for a quick touch up on the shaved side of my hair, so I’d have the cape on most of the time anyway. No big deal.

I enjoyed my appointment, and told my hair girl about our pregnancy. I think we had just found out the last time I saw her, so I hadn’t mentioned it. Today, it was news, and it was fun to talk about. It was a good way to break up the morning.

When I got home, Brady had the kids at the table, eating lunch, and I went to visit with them. I stood at the table between Dekker and Laela and they told me about their morning. A loving neighbour had brought them gifts, and they were all eager to show off. They were very cute and excited to show off their shirts with mouths that opened and closed!

Laela then commented on my shirt. It was pretty bright pink, and she pointed out which shade of pink she liked best. Dekker did the same, and then commented on how soft it was. He rubbed his hand on my paunchy tummy, and then asked “Is this a pregnant shirt?” Thats what I call maternity clothes, for the record. And I pretty much always wear maternity clothes, whether I’m pregnant or not, so I didn’t give it another thought. I told him, yes, its a pregnant shirt.

“Because you’re pregnant?” he asked.

“I don’t know, what do you think?” I asked him.

“Well, your tummy is all round, like there’s a baby in it. Is there?”

Brady and I stared at each other in total disbelief. Not only did Dekker confirm that I was looking extra bloated and pudgy today, but he guessed that I was pregnant!!

So we confirmed that I was, and all three older kids were SO happy for the good news! No more tip toeing around the kids, I guess! They’re far sharper than I gave them credit for!

Way to go, smarties!!