I’ve had a super happy morning! Brady and I had breakfast in bed before the kids got up this morning, for one thing, and we had another cozy movie morning where we watched “Storks” again, because it is just so so cute. I’m a big cheeseball, and the premise of the movie just gets me. Getting babies where they belong, putting families together, whether conventional or unconventional. Its possible I like this movie even more than my kids do 🤔

In the midst of my happy morning, the devil is trying to take my joy away and make me nervous. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, just for the purpose of listening for the baby’s heartbeat. Thats really what most of my appointments will be for a while, and I’m ok with that. But its the day before, and that itching feeling is surfacing. The feeling that my baby will be gone tomorrow. I’m approaching the point in time that we lost Jamin, and when I’m FINALLY feeling some rest and joy and peace, my anxiety is creeping up. I refuse to let that happen and ruin my day into, working me up until tomorrows appointment. Because tomorrow, regardless of the outcome, will worry about itself. If the baby is going to be gone, then thats just what it will be. It is 100% out of my hands. Giving this to God day after day is tough, but its also the absolute ONLY way to peace. So! Instead of spending my day fearful of tomorrow, let’s focus on happy stuff! I easily came up with five things that I’ve been enjoying recently, and thought I’d share them with you guys!! Let’s lift up this post a bit, and the day, too.

Truth be told, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed blogging over the last few days. The breakdown of 2017 post took me about three hours to assemble and post, but I am very happy with the outcome. It felt cleansing to look at every part of the year, and see that fun times were had in between the hard times. I started my series a couple of days ago as well, which feels like a milestone that I’m happy to have reached! And yesterday, I posted about my intentions for the upcoming year. And guys, your feedback has been SO encouraging!!! Whether in comments on here, on Facebook, private Facebook messages, or texts, many of you have reached out to me in the last few days and have responded to the posts in a positive way. Thank you SO MUCH for contacting me and encouraging me this way! You don’t know how special it is, and I’m not going to be able to express it fully on here. But I love it. Its been a GREAT few days of blogging for me!

Something I’m probably a bit too excited about today is an order we received from Amazon today. This is a lame parent thing, so bear with me. We got a new diaper pail!! Our diaper genie was fine, but it was SO stinky and the plastic just absorbed the stench and was virtually unfixable. Trust me, we bleached the heck out of that thing to no avail. It just stunk. Finally, the pedal that opened it broke. We fashioned a very fashionable handle out of masking tape, but just with the way the thing operated, as soon as it was event remotely full, the lid would just snap and get stuck open, which made it stink even worst. Whatever. Its over now. Our new diaper pail is powder coated steel, so it shouldn’t absorb the smell the way the plastic one did. It also opens with a quick sliding door on the top, so less air can sneak out when you drop a diaper in. Aaaaand it even has a child lock, so if our kids get too interested in it, we can lock it up! Best of all, we can use the same kitchen catcher garbage buys that we buy for everything out of Costco! No more expensive diaper genie refills for us! I’m far too stoked about this diaper pail…

 

Ok, thing number three!! I am LOVING that my kids are practicing school stuff without me making them!!! Dekker regularly tries to write out a sentence, or everyone’s names, or something similar to that, and then he brings it to us to show it off and see if he made any mistakes. Most of the time now, the pictures he draws are accompanied by a sentence or two. He claims that steps it up to an “art project,” not just a picture 😉 Its SO cute. And because he’s on this kick of learning and practicing, so is Laela!! Today, I saw her trying to write out her alphabet. Don’t mind the H in the beginning, it seemed like she was looping back around. But she did pretty good for just working on it all by herself, with NO outside help!!

I love the letters that are backwards and upside down! 💜 I wish that kind of thing never ended! Or that it stuck around juuust long enough that its still cute but not a problem… You get my drift. I know you do.

Another thing I’m really enjoying is my new hair! ☺️ Its a bit weird to say I don’t actually have a good picture of it, but its the truth, and I’m too greasy to just snap one now, so you’re going to have to trust me! Its pink and orange, with purple at the roots, and a few tiny little strands of yellow throughout. Its amaaazing!! You might think it sounds a bit mismatched, and like pink and orange wouldn’t look good together, but it really does! All together, it almost looks coppery, but at close range, the colors are definitely separate and vibrant and awesome! Its probably the craziest I’ve ever gone with my hair, but I super love it!

The last thing I’ll talk about on here today is that I started saving blog posts again today! Lots of you guys know I started saving these a while back and printed them off in book form, just the one copy for myself, so I can have them for years and generations to come. I had begun saving 2017, but getting through the posts about losing Theo in January had been difficult for me, and had kind of halted progress. Well today, I broke back into it. I didn’t do a ton, but I went through and saved every single picture until the end of June, which will finish off a book. (The books go from Jan-Jun, and Jul-Dec.) It seems that, when I got my iPhone 6s in late 2016, it sized all the pictures up, and they’re too big for the books now. So its a hassle when I do save posts, to have to resize every single picture first. But this way, I have months of photos saved, and I can resize them ALL in way fewer steps. One at a time was awful, but resizing ALL portrait style, and then ALL landscape style is SO much better! So I’ve saved future Hailey a lot of time. Going through all of the pictures from those months was so nice 🙂 Seeing our first trip to Waskesiu, starting my first ever series, “Expecting the Best,” Solly’s birthday, etc. It was uplifting to look through it all. It makes me thankful for the life I have, and also thankful that I’ve been able to save all of these posts!! Honestly, even if no one else ever reads them, I feel happy to have made them up to this point. It feels like an accomplishment, somehow, even if its just for me.

There you have it! Five things that have been making me happy and uplifted! Care to share a couple of your own? I’d love to know what you’ve been enjoying recently!

Its a popular topic of conversation these days, yet I feel like a solid 85% of people hate the conversation and roll their eyes over it. New Years resolutions. I’m also an eye-roller in this case, because I think you can set a goal anytime, and who cares what day in what month it is? But, its not unnatural for people to be thinking “fresh start” in the beginning of a new year. So let’s talk about it.

I looked back on my resolutions last year, and let’s be real. I tanked it hard in 2017. I declared a few small resolutions on January 10th, and six days later, I found out our baby had died. It was a rough start, and the year really never got easier. Not to say you can’t strive for greatness in the midst of trials, because you can. But its stinking HARD!! So not that it cannot be done, but I did not succeed with my goals.

I watched a new years video on YouTube, and the couple kept referring to their New Years “intentions.” I like that SO much better!! Its just a different word, but its much more my speed. “Hopes” might be that much more accurate, but I’m going with intentions for now, because I think a BIG chunk of being successful is being intentional! These are all things I naturally want to do this year, nothing that I’m really forcing, but still. My intentions.

My first intention is very practical. We have not done a weekly savings plan the last two years. For those that don’t know, for a while, I saved a certain amount of money in a jar each week with the goal to have between $1000-$1500 by November 1. I paid for ALL of Christmas out of that money. December tends to be a month where many feel extra broke, and it was always such a relief to just have Christmas paid for in advance! This year, we intend to implement this plan again! We’re going to change it from the traditional online “weekly savings plan” and instead, put aside a flat $30 per week. There are 44 weeks from now to the first days of November, and we’ll have over $1300. That will take care of Christmas gifts for ourselves, our widespread family, and friends, special food, any new decor, family activities, etc. I’m stoked to get back on this plan 🙂

Another thing I intend to do is improve my blog game. Sometimes I dream bigger for this whole thing. Not too big, but a bit bigger. Its a lot to hash out, and I won’t do it here now. But I want to be more intentional (see??) about my posts. I already have some help with this for the first half of the year, because I have my series that I hope very much to continue writing into July, so there’s some structure there beyond just what we did that day. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either! But sometimes its good to have a specific topic to talk about that isn’t mundane. I’m thinking, if I keep a series going, and maybe have another weekday planned more specifically, even that alone would help! Just some planning, and putting a bit more thought into what I have to say that day. I’m feeling like Mondays and Fridays would be great days to post planned, most intentional posts. And hopefully, that just gets more natural the more I do it, and they will all start to improve a little! I hope so!

Lastly, I hope to stay a tad bit more organized and less frantic with busyness. This one branches out in a lot of different directions. I think part of what makes busyness difficult for me is my anxiety and the fact that my brain is ALWAYS rushing. A totally regular home day over here is still busy. I love our busyness. Thats just how our life is, but sometimes, with that, I find extras overwhelming. I don’t in any way plan to overdo it, or push myself too far the other way, but I need to be able to roll with the punches a little bit better and smoother. I FINALLY found a way to organize my days in the form of a planner!! You guys know how long I’ve been in search of the PERFECT planner, and I finally have it. Don’t laugh. I literally run my days out of an appointment book. My days are broken out in 15 minute increments. It keeps me sane and alive, and I’m hoping that, with a working system like that, I should be able to handle a little bit more and accomplish a little bit more.

You can very likely see through this post that my intentions aren’t deep and personal. Those goals do exist, but they’re my “always” goals, not my new years goals. And frankly, if you know me, you know them. I hope to manage my anxiety better this year. I hope to be more hospitable and helpful to people this year. I hope to smile more and yell less. Yada yada yada. You know the drill. I desire to be better, but that doesn’t ever stop.

I really hope to bring a baby home this year, in July. I can’t resolve that I will, or even say I “intend” to. But I hope to, so so much.

Alright, guys, here we go! I’ve been putting off this series for a while already, thanks to all my anxiety and irrational fears. I loved putting together a blog series in my last pregnancy, but it was another awful thing to clean up when Jamin passed away. For that reason, I have avoided starting a series in hopes of confidence kicking in sometime, anytime. Yet, if I wait until I feel comfortable, this thing is just never going to happen. I’m trusting you all to be compassionate and understanding if this all falls apart again. I’m counting on you guys!! Because this feels vulnerable and scary, but I think its going to also feel like a step in the right direction. So, I’m going for it.

Be gentle, as this is the first run on this series, so there is lots of room for change and growth! If I miss anything you want to know, ask away! You all know by now, I’m a pretty open book 😉 I’m going to try and cover the same talking points each week on Monday, which is the day my weeks roll over.

It is the first day of 2018, and of my second trimester. Today, I am 13 weeks pregnant, in my 7th pregnancy, hoping to bring home my fifth child. I am due July 9, 2018. We have currently been calling the baby Bambino.

Size & Development: According to one of the apps that we follow, (in this case, Ovia) the baby is the size of a matchbox car. I’ve also seen a pea pod, jalapeno, and a clown fish. My ultrasound last week showed baby at about 2″ tall, but I can’t speak for this week! Probably a little bit taller 🙂 As for development, the app kept harping about how hairy baby is getting. Sooooo we’ll look forward to that… (I tease, I’m aware most of that fuzz is long gone before baby comes. I’m familiar with the process.) As for my size, I haven’t wavered from the weight I began the pregnancy at. I assume I dropped some in the beginning with sickness and have gained it back over Christmas 😉 This is the heaviest I’ve every started a pregnancy at, but I’m trying to blow past that fact and not focus on it. Just have to throw it in there to follow it up weekly when I start to gain baby weight.

Appointments: So I’ve had a LOT of these! I’ve been seeing my OB regularly through my first trimester, I’ve had almost weekly ultrasounds, and I saw my own doctor just last week for our first prenatal! While I feel a bit high maintenance with all of the appointments, and while its been busy always going to an appointment of some kind, there has definitely been some comfort in knowing each week that baby is still growing and developing. I believe appointments will change right away here, though. I am no longer seeing my OB, which was my choice. I could see her all through my pregnancy, but really, everything appears to be routine at this point, and I just feel so much more comfortable with my own doctor. So I will have bi-weekly appointments with her, alternating with ultrasounds during the weeks in between. At about the halfway point, I will meet the resident who will join my crew of awesome medical team and follow me to the end of my pregnancy, which hopefully leads me to early July and NO sooner!!! 🤞

How am I feeling emotionally: This has been a brutally difficult time on my mental and emotional health. It is impossible not to go to the scary places, and almost impossible to talk myself out of the crazy. If you’ve never lost a baby, that is an enormous gift!! I wish no one ever had to lose a baby at any stage. But, I have, and its altered a lot of things for me. Hearing/seeing the heartbeat is reassuring, but its brief reassurance, because I know how fast it can just stop. Symptoms, like sickness or soreness, are not reassuring for me. I was sick until the day I found out Jamin had passed, and he had been lifeless for two weeks. Hormones can do some mean, mean things. So I concentrate on trusting God with this baby, because I have absolutely nothing else to hold on to. Nothing. Only God. And that is sufficient. I know the truth, but its hard to believe sometimes. My emotions are pretty nuts and all over the place, but I think they’re under control. I believe that its healthy to still ache for my little boys, and to excitedly anticipate and hope for another little one! Its a difficult balance to strike, but isn’t that just the reality in most cases?

How am I feeling physically: I’ve been solidly sick throughout my entire first trimester, and my boobs have been aching like crazy! My nausea has started to lift a little, but with that, I’m forgetting to take my diclectin, which does eventually get me into trouble. So I know its not gone gone, but I think its on its way out. The soreness hasn’t let up yet. Not feeling particularly optimistic about that. And just last week, my pelvis audibly clunked apart, and then crunched back together. It. Was. Excruciating. If you’ve never heard of symphysis pubis dysfunction, its an unbelievably painful thing that pops up (or pops out, lol) in each of my pregnancies. Did you know that your pubic bone is actually two bones that meet together? Yup, I didn’t either, until this condition slapped me in the crotch for the first time. When those things aren’t lined up just right, it can render you immobile very quickly. It comes about when the lovely hormone, relaxin, kicks in too soon. Its an important hormone that loosens up all the tendons and such that holds your pelvis together, to make way for your pelvis to spread and deliver your baby. Mine is just far too thorough and efficient, and is already out in full swing. I can ONLY manage it with regular physio/chiro, and wearing a strong, stretch-less belt around my butt to physically hold my pelvis together in one piece. In my case, relaxin also relaxes the closure into my digestive system very early in the game, leaving me to deal with some pretty wicked acid reflux. Well, people, we are there on ALL fronts. Its not the best I’ve ever felt, thats for sure, but maybe when the nausea completely wraps up, it’ll be easier to manage these other things. I hope, anyway. (I promise, this section won’t always ben this long! Just catching up!)

Wish List/Purchases: Ha! I wish for a lot of things, but nothing I can exactly pin on anyone, myself included, to give to me. I’m probably going to give it some time before I bolding throw my wish list out there in all its entirety! That being said, though, since this would be our fifth child, Lord willing, we already have a lot of what we’d need. So my “stuff” wish list isn’t too long at all. As for purchases, we recently bit the bullet and bought a little boy sleeper and a little girl sleeper. It used to feel like a right of passage, and I would be SO excited to buy a little baby thing. It felt scarier this time, and I think I apologized for it many times, just because I felt vulnerable and dumb. But, I did it anyway. Also, for Christmas, we bought the baby a stuffed puppy. So Bambino has a few little things. They’re in the drawer with the small handful of other baby things we bought last year and put away when we couldn’t look at them anymore. Sooooo we’ll see how that goes.

Pictures: I don’t have any pictures of my belly on hand, but my good friend took a few of me a few weeks ago. I’m definitely bigger now, but you’re welcome to take a peek at her pictures of my belly around 10 weeks. Its been hard not to hate how I look this time around. I am NOT being a douche and fishing for compliments, but I don’t have the cute little pointy bump I had with the two little boys. I started this pregnancy 15 lbs heavier than I started the last one, and while I’m probably healthier than I was, and its great that I didn’t drop a bunch of weight super fast in my grief, I still wish I showed nicer and more obviously like I did last time :/ Hopefully more cute belly pictures will come soon, and there will be more obvious baby to see!

How are the kids feeling: We were only going to tell the kids over Christmas but as many of you will remember, Dekker called me out a couple of weeks ago already! They were, and still are, completely thrilled that I’m pregnant again! Besides their innocent comments of “I hope this baby doesn’t die again,” the main topic of conversation is about the baby’s gender. The current standing surprises me, actually. As of today, the boys think the baby is a girl, and Laela thinks its a boy. And I have NO idea, seriously. I would’ve put money on Jamin being a girl, and was completely wrong. I think I’m going to forever think “boy” until I’m told otherwise. They’re almost always boys!!

Getting to know the new baby: I’m hoping this will be a fun category as the baby grows and moves and develops a bit of a personality 🙂 At this point, I like to think that this baby really wants to join our family. We have NEVER conceived on our first try, and this time, we did! I found out VERY early in our pregnancy, which I also have never experienced. Baby’s hcg was off the charts high in the very beginning, so even when the baby was too small to show (or have) a heartbeat, the hcg was tripling every two days, which brought some reassurance in the early days. Baby performs through every ultrasound, moving like crazy. I like to think he just wants us to know he’s ok. I really hope he is!

Best part of being pregnant: Ha! Ya thats a tough one this time, because its hard. This is the most scared I’ve ever felt being pregnant. I guess the best part of being pregnant right now is knowing that I still can get pregnant? Thats probably it at this point. My body knows how to get pregnant, thats for sure. It remembers what to do, and it likes carrying a baby. But its been a while since its carried one to term. I hope it still remembers how…

Favorite thing: So this is a new category for me, but I thought it might be fun! It likely won’t always a pregnancy/baby thing, but I figured I’d share a favorite or a recommendation each week 🙂 Cool? Cool. This week, its going to be the movie, “Storks.” We bought it for the kids this Christmas and just watched it this morning, and my gosh, it is SO FUNNY and SO sweet!!! I may have cried from time to time, but only a little bit. I highly recommend it to people who haven’t seen it yet. It has officially been added to the list of movies I watch during every pregnancy!! (Do other people have a list of pregnant movies, or is it just me?)

Being that this was my first post in hopefully a nice long weekly series, I’d love some feedback if you’ve got some to offer! Did I miss anything? Or do you just want to know anything out of curiosity? There is very little I’m not willing to share, so ask away 🙂 Or, if it seems put together enough, then yay!! I’m so happy to have all of this information on record for our family. I hope you enjoy it, too. And I hope we can all enjoy it for the next six months or so!! Please continue to cover us in prayer if we ever come to mind! Thank you for your continued support and interest in our family.

I admitted on her a while ago that while I work HARD to find positives amongst hardship, I’ve had a really hard time picking out positives from this year. Improvements. Gains. Successes. I don’t want my last post of the year to just be mournful, but I tried many times in the past week or so to jot down some good things to reminisce about and I just can’t find enough to fill a post. So, rather, I’m going to skim my pictures from the last year and see what happened each month. Some will be happier than others, but it’ll be an accurate breakdown of how the year looked for us! Hopefully a more concise way to reminisce, rather than just blubbering about loss and grief. There is nothing wrong with some of that, but if you’ve been around for a while, you know I’ve done more than my share of it. So, let’s just see how this goes.

January.

So January was a tough kick off to 2017. We lost our baby, Theo. We found out halfway through the month at our 12 week scan. It was my first true experience with deep, deep grief. I had never known such a feeling, and it shook me deep. I hid out for a long time after that, but our loving friends and family understood and stood by us.

I had a ridiculous pregnancy announcement in the making, too 🙂 I thought it was hilarious, and the Bradymoji (see what I did there?) was vastly inaccurate, but it was the closest I could get!

Looking through the pictures, I can see one other big difference in our family in January 2017. We hadn’t figured out the issue with Rowan’s mouth yet!! If you’ve seen him recently, in pictures or in person, you can see the HUGE difference!!

Isn’t that crazy?! I’ll touch more on it as I go through the rest of the year, but its just an unmistakeable difference! I hope you guys can see it too.

February.

The second month brought us a little further from our loss, where it wasn’t as “new” or as raw, but still hurt my heart each day. There were triggers everywhere, and I grieved hard through the month.

Brady also bought me an iPad this month! It wasn’t to make up for the baby or anything, it just timed out that way. It was a good motivator for me to step up my game and be helpful with his business.

The day before our anniversary, we went to see Marianas Trench in concert. I almost bailed on it completely, but I’m so glad we went 🙂 We had front row seats, and it was an incredible show!

We celebrated our anniversary on the 7th and Valentines Day on the 14th. Nothing too crazy.

Eight years, baby <3

About halfway through February, I discovered that Rowan’s teeth didn’t touch, and that his funny “cartoon” mouth only existed because he was chewing blankets all night long.

So February was the month that we had to take all of Rowan’s snuggly bedtime stuff away 🙁 It was awful. He screamed and screamed for the first few days. No pillow, blanket, or stuffed toy. We felt like horrible parents. It was tough.

Ro survived our mean parenting choice, and turned two on the 23rd. I can’t tell you why, but the picture I wanted to post refuses to load! Still, the day happened 🙂 And Ro aged, even though I specifically asked him not to!

** You should all thank me, because I spared you ALL the pictures we have of vomit spread out throughout the house. My. Gosh. It was a barfy month. You’re welcome.

March.

It was not the most eventful month, but right off in the beginning of it, there was a MARKED difference in Rowan’s mouth and face structure!! Crazy, right??

A whole new face, seriously!! His teeth still didn’t meet at this point, but they were WAY closer. Progress!

The biggest thing we did in March was our Calgary trip! It was the first road trip we took in our big bus and it was truly awesome 🙂

It was a special family trip, just for us, to get away from what our life had been, and to have some lighthearted times together.

April.

Rowan continued to noticeably improve through April.

Jerilee and I went on our annual shopping trip to Edmonton, and Brady had his annual weekend alone with the kids!

While I was away, Brady took the kids to and from Home Depot every single day, and build me this beautiful makeup lighting system!! Its not nearly as yellow as it looks, fyi 🙂 They were a huge game changer for makeup “business.”

Beyond that, pregnancy was very much on my mind, and my arms ached to hold the bay I lost in January. These became my screensavers and backgrounds for everything.

May.

This month was quite a bit fuller than the last few. We built our deck, from start to finish, in May! It was a big job, and lots of people came and helped us when they had free time, which was HUGE! We loved the beautiful outcome.

The next notable event in May was Mother’s Day. I really enjoyed Mother’s Day. Brady took the kids and I to Cora’s for breakfast, where the kids were entertained by the balloon man, we ate delicious food, were complimented countless times on our kids great behaviour, and then were surprised to find someone had paid for our meal <3 I cried. It was so great.

A little bit after the fact, I took my mom out for Mother’s day. We painted pottery and ate at Red Lobster. It was also awesome <3

Shortly after Mother’s Day, I found out I was, once again, pregnant with our little Jamin.

That was a good motivator to finally get Solly into his own room, so we did! We moved the three older kids together, and made Solly’s space comfy for him.

(I realized Rowan has a pillow in this picture. I don’t know what to tell you :/ I must’ve put it in there just for the sake of the picture??)

The very last day of May, Solly turned one year old 🙂 He had a cake pop and some balloons, and was well loved.

It was a good month.

June.

The first fun thing that happened in June was that Carrie got our name in to perform some music at a car show over our town celebration weekend! She, Brady, and I put in tons of work ahead of time, and I think we pulled it together pretty well 🙂 And had a TOTAL blast.

I also spent more time stepping up my makeup gave this month, and I booked two graduation makeup gigs! They were both intimidating and exciting.

We also took our first trip (of many) to Waskesiu with the kids. The goal was to familiarize them with the surroundings so they could settle in easily when we went for our summer vacation there. They acclimated easily, and LOVED it!

Dekker had his LAST day of kindergarten! What a milestone 🙂 What a big time of life for him! He grew so much <3

We wrapped the month of June up by going to a “Walk off the Earth” show at Jazz Fest. It was unreal. If you ever have the opportunity to see them live, do it. It was truly unlike anything I had ever seen before, and so so enjoyable. It helped to have awesome friends with us 🙂

A fabulous end to June 🙂

July.

We went to Waskesiu again.

I started to look pregnant…

And had a really promising ultrasound, with a heartbeat and a wiggly baby!

I turned 29 at the end of the month, and we prepared for our family vacation in early August.

August.

This was obviously a tricky month. But in the beginning, we had no idea it would be that way. So the month began in Waskesiu, for our family trip.

We all truly enjoyed our time away. We were at the lake over Theo’s due date, and it was gloomy, which seemed fitting. Still beautiful, though.

It felt like a time of healing and peacefulness, which was greatly needed. Prayers were answered.

About a week after returning home, we found out our Jamin had passed away. I was 16.5 weeks along. I went from a high to a deep low very quickly. Thus began some of the worst days of my life.

We said hello and goodbye to our beautiful little boy the day after we found he had passed. It was unlike anything I have every gone through. I won’t go further into it. You all know how I felt, and how I continue to feel.

I have never received so many flowers.

Meals were brought, treats were brought, jobs were done, and children were babysat.

Days after I delivered Jamin, Dekker turned 6. My mom made a party for him, because I couldn’t. He told us over and over that it was the best day of his life <3

I have no pictures to prove it, but Jerilee brought him gifts and cake and decorations the very next day for party #2. My children were SO well cared for.

We went to Waskesiu again, to clear our heads and let the kids run. It was necessary for all of us.

I grieved hard there. Lots of tears, lots of wind and waves, lots of sensitive children processing as we limped through the day. We attempted a family picture, mostly to prove to myself that we were still together, somehow.

It was a very difficult end to the month. But we continued to move forward, as September kicked back into reality. I couldn’t lay in bed forever.

September.

I obviously don’t have much from September. Lots of bike rides, lots of playing on the deck, lots of hiding at home. Dekker started grade one, however, and Laela started preschool.

That was the beginning of September, and Laela celebrated her fourth birthday at the end of September 🙂 We played at the playground and went to McDonalds for ice cream in the evening. Again, low key, but necessary, and she was perfectly happy with it.

It was a very hard month to get through, but I can look back at it and see that, if we hadn’t needed to be busy and start into the routine of school, I never would’ve gotten out of bed. I hated the busyness, but I needed the busyness. God knew.

October.

October was also a bit of a tricky month for me. It was hard to be thankful on thanksgiving :/ But the kids were beautiful and lovies and distracting.

Maybe a week or so later, a friend recruited me for a photoshoot turned project about overcoming hard things, and my journey through loss. It was surprisingly therapeutic. I loved it. It turned out beautifully!

Brady’s birthday was on the 14th, and I had long ago booked us a night away! So we had a lovely hotel and went to a movie 🙂 It was such a treat to be away together.

My heart was very griefy through October as we tried to conceive again. It had been almost a year since we conceived Theo. A full year of being pregnant (on and off, anyway) with no baby to show for it.

And then it happened. We did conceive. I found out right before the end of the month. It was terrifying and thrilling and ALL of the emotions rolled into one.

Halloween wrapped the month up, and the kids were terribly cute.

Being cute is not uncommon in their cases, but still seems worth mentioning 😉

November.

I only have videos, so I can’t post photographic evidence, but Solly started walking in November! FINALLY! Only took 17 months, haha! But that was the other boys too. Not shocking.

We took a quick trip to see my sister and her husband and help them with some house stuff. Our kids enjoyed the hotel and eating supper picnic style.

We got snow in November, and unlike usual, it came and it stuck.

We were all overjoyed. Can’t you tell by my presence in this picture? Oh, I’m not in it? Yup, thats how happy I was about the snow, and how happy I continue to be about it.

It did motivate us to start decorating for Christmas, though!

November also held our first ultrasounds, where we learned that our baby was, in fact, alive. Very little comfort came in those ultrasounds, but I was determined to believe it.

December.

This has been a very challenging closer month this year. Its been busy with planning and prepping, nausea and dizziness, grieving and reflecting. Both older kids participated in their Christmas concerts, but I can’t share pictures without sharing other people’s kids faces :/ So sadly, no dice there. But they were cute and did great!

We had a couple of ultrasounds this month as well, where we gained small shreds of reassurance along the way. Our baby is growing exactly as it should thus far.

And the biggest milestone from December is that we survived. We made it. It wasn’t pretty, but Christmas has come and gone, 2017 is almost over, and 2018 is on its way. We made it. Barely.

I love my family, and while its been hard to see past my own grief and struggles, it was good to go through the year this way and see what else the year entailed. I think it was important, and I’m glad I did it. Though this is a brutally long post and almost crashed my laptop more than once. Thank you, everyone who has stuck with us through the year. I know we’re a lot to take sometimes, but I like to think that, if you know us at all, you know this was not a year we were set up to be able to handle gracefully. Thank you for your love and understanding and concern. You have my love right back.

Stay safe this New Years Eve, and hold your loved ones tight. Wrap it up well!!

For us, and for many others, Christmas is a rowdy time of family gatherings and staying up late and eating from bowls of candy and chocolates throughout the day and board games and jammies. Can anyone relate? I love those things about holidays, but I also LOVE being inside and lazy and cozy. Its not a secret that we’re homebodies over here. We really enjoy our outings, but we don’t live for them the way many do. We really like each other 🙂 We like to be together, just us. In case you hadn’t noticed (or you’re not from where we are) it is brutally cold out these days. Today, with windchill, its around -50C. Absurdly cold!! We had “plans” to spend a lot of this Christmas season going for walks, with kids in sleds, and playing outside. That has NOT happened, and while its caused some tears and a shred of cabin fever for the kids, I have truly enjoyed our quiet home days.

Today has been another FREEZING day, and we have spent the morning snuggled in the living room, watching Frosty the Snowman. Rowan flip-flopped from my lap to Brady’s lap a few times. Laela sat on the couch and looked through her new Pete the Cat books while watching. Solly dumped out the tub of links aaaaall throughout the house and dragged the bucket around. Dekker colored at the table as the show played. It was SO restful. I love the busyness and all, but I would miss these days dreadfully if we never ever got them <3 I’m so grateful!

I’m venturing out early this afternoon to pick up some appies for tomorrow. My parents are coming over for a chunk of the day, and we plan to enjoy a slow moving supper of appies and treats after the kids are in bed. Our very “old folks” way of bringing in the new year. We’ve done it this way for  a couple of years now, and its just so so nice. I’m really looking forward to it. So today, my mom and I will brave the winter cold and get the goods! Its worth it 😉

As a family, we have only a few Christmas “traditions” and none of them are really in stone, but the ONE we’ve pushed hard to do every year for the past few years is to go drive around the city and look at the lights. We’re a tad late in the game, but I think we’re going to try to head out this evening for it! No one is sick today! Not even Solly, whose nose has been running like a faucet for weeks! So I think today is the day for it! We’ll have an early supper with the kids, and then go get some cookies or dessert somewhere, and head out for a Christmas light tour! I’m SO looking forward to that, too.

It has been, and will continue to be, a lovely day! And tomorrow is the absolute LAST day of 2017! I’m pretty ready to see it go, haha! Anyone else? Don’t worry, though. I posted my sad mournful post a few days ago already, so hopefully tomorrows inevitable reflections on 2017 won’t be quite so sad. I’m going to try really hard!!

Until then, STAY WARM!! ❄️❄️❄️

I was feeling a bit stumped for a blog post, and it was suggested to me to share another post about one of the kids names, and how it was chosen. Its good to mix it up, right? So today, I figured I’d hash out where Dekker’s name came from!

Dekker should’ve been the easiest kid to name, because he was our first, but I will stand behind what I always say – BOYS ARE SO HARD TO NAME!!! Brady and I were 22 when we found out we were pregnant with a little boy, and the name game began.

We learned a couple of things pretty quickly. One thing was that we really liked talking about baby names! It was a fun thing to think about and plan for us. Not stressful. Another thing we learned is that we had VERY different ideas of what we thought we’d name our children. Brady had never really thought too far beyond common/traditional names, and I wanted to push as hard against that as I could! I had boatloads of ideas and he would veto and veto and veto.

I had read the name “Dekker” in a book during the first summer after bible college. I’m not much of a reader, but I was working at the lake and struggling through some big loneliness, and I TRIED to read to keep my mind busy. I can’t tell you what the book was called, but it was traaaaash. Just a crappy book that involved a cop falling in love with someone who actually was a alien, but then wasn’t, but actually was, or some kind of garbage. I truly don’t know the details. I think the cover was purple. 🤷 It doesn’t matter. But there was ONE character that I liked a lot. He was a good guy, and remained honourable through all of their circumstances in the book. Clearly, it wasn’t life changing enough to care about what the book was called, because again, it was crap. But he was a good character that stood out to me. I realized by the end of the book that Dekker was actually his last name, but thats what he was called, for whatever reason. This wasn’t surprising, because Dekker is not an uncommon last name. But it grew on me as the characters first name. It wasn’t that weird at all, but it wasn’t common at all, either. I don’t know anyone named Dekker. And it sounded strong enough for a man but sweet enough for a child. It met my requirements.

It was one of the first boys names I threw into the mix when Brady and I started talking, and honestly, Brady didn’t like it. He said he’d make fun of a kid named Dekker, and call him Deke. I took offence to him making fun of a name I loved it, and obviously swept it off the table as fast as possible. It was still early in the game. We had time.

Except that time kept on trucking, and a name did not come. I was learning through these naming conversations that Brady was quick to veto but things grew on him pretty quickly, too. So months after I mentioned Dekker to Brady, I tried again.

“Oh! I like that! Why haven’t we thought of that one before??”

🙄

We have, dear.

I told him what his first response had been, and he seemed kind of surprised by it. He was considerably more on board the second time, and I blew any other maybes out of the water! Nothing stood even close to Dekker in our list of names. It was pretty obvious at that point that his name was picked.

Since Dekker wasn’t really a “real” name at that point, it wasn’t to be found in any baby name books, online, etc. I’m not suggesting we made it up or anything. People are naming their kids last names a lot more often these days 😉 But towards the very end of my pregnancy, I discovered his name in a book!!! Its meaning was “A prayerful man.” We LOVED that! It sealed the deal for us, for our beautiful first baby!

Our first baby, who was supposed to be one of two, maybe three 😜

When Dekker was born, in ALL his humungous glory, he was very popular during our stay. People from different floors were coming to take a look at the big baby that had been born to the little mother, haha! They’d come in and ask his name, and everyone commented all of the things we had hoped for!

I love that! We’ve never had a Dekker before!
I’ve never heard of that! Its such a strong name!
I love that its juuust different enough, but not too out of left field.

It was so reassuring, and just grew our confidence in our choice.

And as the boy has grown, the name continues to fit. He is a prayerful little man, my Dekker. Just today, in his prayer for lunch, he told Jesus that he hoped Jamin was having a good day in Heaven, and asked him to take care of baby Bambino, too. 💙

I’d say it was a perfect pick!

It is a LOUD morning up in here!! The kids are elbows deep in their Christmas gifts, and they really hit the jackpot this year. They were gifted so many fun activities, and they have been enjoying them fully over the last few days. So far this morning, Laela and Rowan are playing PlayDoh, and Dekker is working on a Smithsonian kit, chiselling away for dinosaur bones. Solly is thrilled to have the freedom to play with EVERYTHING else, with no interruption, though he occasionally joins the group and watches the palaeontologist at work. There is a LOT of hammering but we have a happy group, and that makes me happy, too.

I don’t anticipate Dekker will recover any full dinosaurs today, so likely the hammering will soon be done for the moment, and the kids will trade out their PlayDoh for their kinetic sand kits. They have been having SO much fun with all their new games and activities. Thank you to our wonderful friends and family who gifted our kids amaaazing gifts that they love!! Very thoughtful, all around.

Its been such an active morning of Christmas presents and working together that I just realized I haven’t eaten. No wonder I’m feeling kind of gross and sick. Its been too fun of a morning to notice. Whoops!

Off to get some breakfast!

I’ve been anticipating today for a while now, and it definitely measured up to my expectations! I know not everyone likes doctors, but you guys know I like mine, and my regular appointments have been very effective in helping me keep my head above water. Today, I had an ultrasound in the morning and a doctors appointment in the afternoon. My mom lovingly offered to watch our kids so Brady and I could go just the two of us, which happens so rarely. This way, we could focus on the appointments better, and could even enjoy lunch together. It was SO nice.

We started at our ultrasound clinic, obviously, and the receptionist was super on top of it. She had us checked in before I even had my boots off! I had brought a gift for our tech, and I asked if I could just leave it on the desk for her to get later. And she wouldn’t! Lol! She was very sweet about it, but said I should give it to her myself, and that she was sure it would go over well. Turns out she was right, and our tech was so happy to receive it! She exclaimed that we were spoiling her, and gave me a big hug. (I say again, we LOVE our tech!) She gave us an amazing scan, showing us every little detail she could find. We went through it all very slowly, and examined fingers and toes, arms and legs, a belly and a face. Our baby moves SO much, which is just so amazing to see! The heart rate was nice and strong and in the 160s, and the baby actually is measuring a few days big. It has been for the last 2-3 scans, but the due date is already chosen, so we’re just happy to see the consistent growth. A few days one way or the other doesn’t matter too much. We had a really nice time together, but it had to end eventually. She said she’d bring out some pictures for us in a minute or two, as usual, and we headed for the waiting room. Turns out, she opened her present in those minutes! She came out and met both of us with big hugs, and thanked us, and said how perfect her gift was 🙂 She just warms my heart. I’m so thankful for her.

Lunch was next, and would you believe that it was SO hard to figure out where to go?? We rarely go for lunch, just the two of us, and especially not into a restaurant! It took a very long time before we settled on Chianti for lunch 🙂 I don’t remember the last time he and I went there, but it was definitely a date spot years ago. It was so nice and quiet when we got there, so we got a booth and got our food nice and quick. I’ll admit, though, that old habits die hard, and we wolfed our food down, as is often the case now that we have kids. We were in and out of there so quickly, lol! Even picking up coffee on our way to our doctors appointment, we were an hour early!! Yikes!

Luckily, we still like each other a lot, so time passed fairly quickly as we sat and chatted and sipped our incredibly weak coffee 😒 Honestly, its a small problem, but a bummer. We’ve cut back greatly on coffee this winter, in an effort to save money, and to finally get a coffee when I’m REALLY thirsty for one, only to have it be sub par at best, was SO disappointing! But alas, life goes on, and the coffee will be better next time.

When we did finally go into the clinic for our appointment, they were ready for us. We only waited a few minutes before it was our turn. It was my first real prenatal appointment there this time around, so they checked my weight and blood pressure. As expected, my weight was a tad higher than I would’ve liked, but not unreasonable of course, and my blood pressure was right around my normal, just a tad below their standard “normal.” No big complaints there 🙂

We went on to have a really lovely LONG appointment with Dr. Guselle. I had also snuck a present to a nurse, who slipped it into her office, and she had opened it before meeting with us, so it was a nice starting note. We appreciate her SO much, and I really hope she knows it. Our appointment covered all the beginning family history stuff, as well as my long-winded list of questions. I had WAY MORE than I have had previously, but there is just so much more going on in my head and heart these days. She understood, and happily answered everything and went along with my crazy. We discussed everything, from the flu shot to pelvic pain to new nausea meds to the other kids’ health to schedules to the fact that they show a key party in the Jim Carey Grinch movie!!! I truly enjoyed the whole thing. We finished the conversation off with making a plan for our upcoming appointments. The current plan is to see each other and find the baby’s heartbeat every other week, and schedule an ultrasound in the weeks in between. TRYING to stretch it out a little bit, so I’m not quite as high maintenance. My words, not hers, obviously. She is very understanding about the whole thing, which I appreciate.

The last thing we did together was go searching for the baby’s heartbeat with the doppler. I lay down and right away she commented on how surprised she was at how prominent my little uterus bump was! I love being able to feel it, and know that its been growing. It didn’t take long at all for her to find the baby and get its little heart rate on record. But it took even less time for the baby to swim halfway across my abdomen in protest of the doppler poking at its body. I loved that 🙂 I love that the baby seems to have an opinion on the matter, haha! Toady specifically just felt SO real. That is SO exciting, but it also adds a pressure that scares me. As I said the other day on here, I work hard to talk myself around those scary thoughts, because I cannot live in constant fear, but its almost impossible not to go there at all. So I’m trying to focus on the excitement and joyful side of today and think less about how much worse its all going to hurt if it ends too soon again. God be with us.

We closed off our date with a quick stop at Walmart, for milk and a few other groceries, before heading home and relieving my parents of their babysitting duties. Its good to be back with family after a special uplifting day of what felt like celebrating the baby in my womb. I am so grateful for today and all that went on, and for the fact that I am currently carrying a seemingly animated little person, a WHOLE PERSON, who I very much hope joins us here at home this coming summer. But, one day at a time, right? Today is upon us, and tomorrow will worry about itself. TODAY is an amazing day!!

Since about mid-December, I’ve been reflecting on the year. Its a very natural thing to do around this time of year, as one measured year comes to an end, and a fresh, new time is upon us. Or, me, I guess. Maybe of us want to open the new year as a clean slate. This year, its been really difficult to keep my reflections rational. I’ve been putting in the effort, aiming to be very logical and self aware, but it is HARD.

I don’t have a clean slate coming in 2018.

I like to come out of a year, looking past the hard times, and picking out the victories! The wins! The positives! And gains. And while I KNOW there have been those; I choose to BELIEVE there have been positives this year, I cannot pinpoint them for the life of me. I am struggling hard to see past our losses, and our grief. It has clouded over everything. What else have we accomplished this year?? Nothing. We have simply survived. Barely, it feels.

I have to remember that, just because this year is ending, it doesn’t mean that everything of this year has to come to a close also. Thats been the trickiest part of these reflections for me.

Just because 2017 is ending, it doesn’t mean I have to be done grieving my sons.

I remember who I was last Christmas. We were all sick, but I was happier. I was coping better with our illness. I was ok. I feel like I am so much worse of a person now than I was then, and just typing it out breaks my heart and has me in tears. Because I don’t want to be this way. Yet, I have to remember that I am not really on the other side of this yet. I’m not at all done grieving. Life has kept moving forward, and I am coping, but I am not finished. Maybe I truly am a worse person right now, but maybe once I’m through a little bit more of this, I will slowly improve again. I hope so, anyway.

When Laela was born in the fast, scary way she was, people told me I was so strong, and so brave. And it would actually make me angry, because I knew I wasn’t. I feel the same way now. I am not brave, and I am not strong. If I had actually been given the choice, I would’ve chosen basically ANY other outcome than what I ended up with. Not ONCE did I make the choice to be “strong” or “brave.” But I was just stuck with what I got. I HAD to push through and go forward, whether I was brave, or scared shitless. Whether I was strong, or I was so weak I couldn’t keep my eyes open when doctors and nurses were talking to me. I LOST, guys. And I HATE that.

Brady has been able to talk me off my ledge a little. If this whole year was offset by, say, six months, would I feel just as crazy? No, probably not. Because I wouldn’t be reflecting on this all so hard, expecting my emotions to be in better shape. If it wasn’t December, I wouldn’t be analyzing this all so hard. But the natural year end paired with the Christmas festivities have been quite challenging on my heart, as my arms positively ache to hold my Theo, or to feel Jamin kick me in the ribs as I try to be helpful putting Christmas together.

I would have delivered Jamin in just a few weeks from now. Instead, I grieve HARD for two little boys I lost this year, while consciously working around the clock to NOT live in anxiety, waiting for the little baby in my womb to die. I question “when” rather than “if.” Its not a good mindset, I know. I try to talk myself around it, but it is literally impossible for me to not go there at all. But like I said. I’m weak, and I’m scared. I can’t take much else.

I’ve said it a million times. Its been a big year. Please be gentle.

We spent the day are my parents house, eating huge meals, opening presents, playing toys, reading stories, and generally enjoying each others company. While things were always moving at full speed with the kids, it was a relatively relaxed day.

We headed over first thing in the morning in our comfy clothes, as usual. The kids were in some of their new jammies, as tends to happen. We were greeted by yummy smells and friendly voices. We ate ourselves silly, devouring scrambled eggs, bacon, hashbrown casserole, croissants, sliced up oranges (did everyone else notice the serious lack of Christmas oranges out this year? We didn’t buy a single box!!) and we topped it off with chocolate milk! And coffee, of course. My goodness, it was SO good. I could’ve eaten all of the hashbrowns on my own, my goodness.

We moved from brunch to presents pretty quickly, and we all cashed in pretty smoothly, I’d say! Once their gifts were opened, Brady set them up downstairs to play with some of their new toys, and then us adults opened our gifts together in the quiet. Solly slept through the whole thing! Post-presents, the kids cracked out their new puzzles, along with some coloring, and spent a good chunk of the afternoon at the table. It was nice and relaxed and really felt like Christmas.

Solly eventually woke up and whined like a big ole baby (fitting) until it was time to eat. And when it was time, WOW did he eat!!! We had the whole Christmas feed, with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, honey carrots, gravy, cranberry sauce, and our traditional orange jello loaded to the gills with peaches 🙂 Now, for a quick (but very well deserved) brag moment, if you think you’ve enjoyed a turkey dinner before, you would be blown away by the feast my mom prepares seemingly so effortlessly! Never once has her turkey been dry, or her gravy sub-par. Every time, she hems and haws about “Well, this isn’t my best gravy” but she’s always wrong, because it usually is. Seriously, her turkey feasts are a thing for the record books. We, for the second time of the day, ate ourselves silly.

Now, I am humungous, and the kids are weirdly energetic. Tryptophan, I was counting on you. I guess even turkey magic can’t take away the delight of Christmas!

We are home, kids are in bed, and a bath is run for this tired couple! It was a super great day, though! Sadly, Brady is working tomorrow, which isn’t my favorite thing, but will be ok. We’ve had a few really lovely days all together, and we will still have more. Tomorrow we’ll just keep low key and cozy, with lots of new toys to play with!

I hope you all had LOVELY Christmas days with your loved ones!! <3 And if your celebrations are still to come, I hope they’re exactly what you want them to be. Have a blessed season, friends!