I’m skipping Melatonin Monday this week. I’m sorry, my mind is just elsewhere, and while I do have self discipline, its so hard to see past these recent events. Plus, its my blog, so I get to make the rules. Lucky me.
Some days are really tough. Brady’s hospital ward is hard. They have a lot of tough stuff there, and because they are CRAZY BUSY, they almost never answer their phone. I’m supposed to call before I come, because of all the covid regulation, so they can put me on an approved list. But I can’t get through. I can’t ask anyone any questions, so I miss everything. I missed speaking with Brady’s surgeon – something we were SO eager to do together. I missed his first meeting with physical therapy, and his first ride in a wheelchair. I feel sad that he is going through all of these scary firsts, and a little resentful that I can’t be there with him, advocating for him to have what he needs. Its just hard. Damn hard.
Today, I couldn’t come at my usual time, and only got there around lunch. Brady shared some discouraging stuff with me, and we were both feeling quite down. I snuggled up beside him on his bed, and we both fell asleep. It felt so normal. So needed. My gosh I miss him. But as it goes, we woke up, and I left so he could get some real sleep.
I bawled the entire way home. I cried about missing my husband. Being scared for him. Wanting him to come home. Trying to be brave, but being so tired. Being SO upset about some injustices and hurt feelings. I just bawled. There was nothing glamorous about it.
Over the last couple of years, I have done a meme battle with Brady on Valentine’s Day and then posted it on the blog. However, there are bigger fish to fry, and we haven’t memed much today. I was VERY grateful, however, to be able to visit my man today.
I fluffed the rules up a little bit, ditched the mask for a few minutes, and snuggled up as close as I could.
Once upon a time, we thought he’d already be home by now. Well, once upon a time upon a time, we had NO idea we’d be in the hospital at all! But, we’re here now, and I am COMPLETELY happy we’re together, regardless of where we are.
We FaceTimed with my mom and the kids this morning. They asked questions, and we all ate some small treats together, apart. It was cute. They all miss each other so much. It wasn’t a long chat. Brady gets lightheaded if he sits up for more than 10-20 minutes. But it was good for all of us.
What a day, hey, honey? Hopefully we’ll spend a bit more time together on the next one. Or really any day. On the daily, even. Much, much sooner than next February.
I hope to write out a whole long version of Brady’s surgery and initial recovery shortly, but for now, I just really don’t want these pictures to get lost, so I guess you’re getting them now.
In case you missed me, hi, I am non eloquent Hailey. I do not write as well as slightly more stable Hailey. She was before. I’m now. You’ve been warned.
The day of Brady’s surgery, I went to the hospital to drop him off. The great Covid injustice meant I couldn’t go past admitting. I may or may not have bawled like a baby when he left. But, by the grace of God, I may or may not have run into my dear friend, Carrie, at just the right moment, so I had someone to cry on/with.
Brady updated me on his fly looks while he waited for surgery and I waited on pins and needles at home.
Those mixed patterns, though. Its a good look.
The BEST picture, you’ve already seen. That post surgery face 😭I love it.
Aaaaand his view, haha!
I was able to chat with him that night, but I went to visit him the next morning. He was allowed to eat and drink, except he had to lay flat on his back. So we improvised with a cooled coffee and a bendy straw. I kind of loved it.
Thank you, Caitlin, for the Starbucks gifts cards. It is incredible to be able to bring a treat, guilt free.
Day two was the first time they helped Brady sit up! You wouldn’t believe how much work that is for him right now, but he did it! And he was WIPED, but goodness, SO handsome!! He was also allowed to prop up in his bed finally!
Brady had yet a third MRI yesterday, and I got to follow him back to his room with his transport people. They were really chatty and friendly.
At that time, he was plugged into a lot of things. He isn’t anymore 🙂 Today, he wasn’t attached to ANYTHING! IV ports are all still in place, of course. But no current tubes or cords. Win!
Brady looked SO himself today. He had a shower and felt fresh and tube-free, finally! You would never know the trauma just by looking at his face. Goodness I love him.
And lastly, not a picture of him, but of the crazy lift they use to move him around!
So, if you can picture it, they pull this right up to Brady’s bedside. He gets into a bit of a sitting position, and they help him place his feet on the grippy foot board. Then they put a sling/harness around his upper body and hook some straps from the sides of the harness to the white circles on the sides of the handles. (Maybe I can get a picture of this for another post.) Then he holds onto the handles for dear life, and the machine pulls his body up into a standing position. And then they drive him wherever he needs to go. Its such a beautiful, useful machine, and I am so grateful for it, as is Brady.
Brady has been moved around a lot today and yesterday, which is super important, but completely exhausting. As we keep saying, the road is long, but we are here for it, however it looks.
Thank you, friends, old and new, who are following along with all of this, supporting us, and who care so deeply for Brady and our family. This whole thing feels surreal. Like something that happens to other people. It feels completely out of body. And then it hits like a load of bricks, and becomes very very real.
Thank you, friends, for your patience. As I’m sure you can imagine, these have easily been the most overwhelming days of our lives. In good ways and bad, I am deeply unable to keep up with just about everything, but I know thats allowed and understood. Be reassured, if you texted, emailed, messaged, called, got in touch with our loved ones, brought us groceries, offered to take our kids, or sent/brought a gift of food or finances, I am SO grateful. Like beside myself grateful. I don’t even know how to go about starting thank yous, so please hear my heart when I say we could NOT be afloat without you. Your support means SO MUCH to our family. We are completely overwhelmed.
I’m here to share details. We kept most of our information close to the vest for a number of reasons. One reason was processing. We needed time to think. Another reason was because, for at least a little while, I knew more information than Brady knew, and I hadn’t had the opportunity to talk to him about his own stuff. And lastly, we have been waiting to speak directly to his surgeon.
So. We’re there. I’ll tell you what I know, as best as I can. I’m going to give you the readers digest edition until I can really sit down and write at length the events of the days.
Brady’s tumour was worse than Dr. Fourney anticipated. It had eaten up the bulk of the right side of his spinal cord over the span of about four vertebrae. It was about a 4-5 hour surgery, but Dr. Fourney believes he was able to remove all of the tumour. Of course, we wait for full pathology, but as it stands today, we are optimistic. Full pathology will tell us what level of malignant is was, and how deep the cancer cells went. He believes it’s been growing there WAY longer than any of us thought.
We were warned immediately post-op that Brady would likely never regain any function in his right leg. Ever. That was a very scary piece of news.
That being said, day one out of surgery, flat on his back, Brady could move BOTH of his legs!!! The left leg moved much better than the right, but the right did move. He could move his foot a teeny bit, and juuuuust pick his knee up off the bed. It was VICTORIOUS!
Today, two days out, Brady can lift both legs even better! His right leg still is very floppy, and he can’t keep it upright, but considering they anticipated zero function whatsoever, this is HUGE!! We are SO happy!!! He also worked with some rehabilitation staff who got him sitting up on the side of his bed. It was a huge job, but he did it!!! He will need to keep working.
Brady finally saw his surgeon today, and he was so happy with Brady’s progress. He said these are really hopeful steps. It feels so optimistic.
Yet, we are not out of the woods. There is a VERY high likelihood that Brady will come home in a wheelchair. It will hopefully be temporary, as he has a good chance of regaining some motor skills and strength in his legs again. Sensitivity, however, could take years, if it comes back. So changes will need to be made around, at least for a time. I’m going to have to learn to support him in and out of the house and vehicle, to get him to and from his rehabilitation at City Hospital for the months to come. He will need to be SO STRONG. We all will, but mostly him. Physically and mentally.
The best thing you can all do is keep a positive mindset. Picture Brady walking again, being back amongst his family, in a job he loves, doing life normally. We need to keep positive to help HIM keep positive. This is of utmost importance. Its very easy to slip down the slope of hopelessness, and currently, Brady feels optimistic and hopeful. He does not feel afraid. So let’s rejoice with him that he has come through his surgery, and has already progressed further than anticipated!
I am SO PROUD of you, Brady!!! My gosh, I miss you here at home. Please come back soon.
Brady is in good spirits and has a very positive attitude that has impressed the healthcare workers around him. Hailey had her first visit with him this morning. He is still very much like himself.. he has a light pink mark on his forehead between his eyebrows from lying on his face through surgery. Ah, the war wounds of health jail..
Unfortunately, as you may be able to tell already, I don’t have big giant details to Cher with you. That is because this has been a really big and eventful time in this family. Hailey truly appreciates the thoughtfulness and respect from those who expect no response. She is still reading your messages. Those “you do no have to reply” clarifications have helped take the pressure off, as you know she loves her people and doesn’t ever want anyone to feel ignored or rejected.
Brady and Hailey are still waiting for the initial surgery report, and still need to speak with the neurosurgeon. I’m not sure when she will be able to share all the details with you, but she will as soon as she is able to.
We still ask for prayer. Prayer for Brady’s rehabilitation, Prayer for Hailey’s sleep, and for the kids sleep. The kids seem to be doing well, but we can tell they have been impacted for sure. They love their dad. We are happy for the break coming up!
Thank you for all your lovely messages to me as well, on yesterday’s blog. Hailey is very important to me. Being able to help them is an honour.
Cher here. I am writing on behalf of Hailey. First things first! Brady made it through his surgery. Hailey was unable to see him, but she talked to him on the phone. Currently, they are swapping Hamilton memes..
However, she only got home recently and is understandably exhausted. She wants you all to know that she is overwhelmed with gratitude. She is reading everything, and she is so sorry she can’t respond yet. She will do her best soon, but right now she is taking it easy.
To add onto that, I just want to thank everyone who has contacted me on behalf of Hailey for dropping things off, sending money, and offering help. I have shared all your messages with her in person, and she is so thankful!
She will be giving an update sometime in the next few days, but she hasn’t had time to even talk to Brady about his surgery yet, or any family. She does have a couple cute stories about Brady being loopy that you’ll want to stick around for.
Please continue to pray for Brady’s recovery/rehabilitation. We believe that prayer helps us feel carried through heavy times.
Thank you again, one last time for everyone’s donations, support, and love. Cher
Ok, friends, today is the day I can give you official results of Brady’s contrast MRI, and his diagnosis.
Brady has what is called an ependymoma. It is a tumour growing in his spinal column, along the spinal cord. It spans the distance of four vertebrae in his lower thoracic spine. His neurosurgeon believes it is low grade cancerous.
It cannot be left. It is an emergency. Therefore, Brady is going into surgery. Tomorrow.
As his surgeon said this morning, “there is no time to waste.”
The risk of the surgery is damage to Brady’s spinal cord or his nerves. It can result in anything from simply less strength or some function deficit, to paralysis from the thoracic spine down. The risk of not doing the surgery is the tumour spreading up Brady’s spine into his brain. There is really no option here.
As you can imagine, we are beside ourselves with just about every emotion possible. We are scared, and apprehensive, and yet relieved that there will be no more waiting.
Having fear will not add a day to our lives. This we know. Worry will not help in any way.
We are as prepared as we can possibly be. Which, really, isn’t all too prepared.
I make no promises for the blogs in the days to come. I have no idea whats coming. None of us do. Deep uncertainty.
I won’t lie. I don’t have a ton to update you on at this point in terms of change with Rowan.
I left off last week saying I had a new direction to move in, and that I was excited about it! That remains true! While it seemed to slip my mind that I should actually share what I was excited about *slaps self in forehead* I will tell you in todays post 🙂 Better late than never!
First, a quick overview of the week for Rowan. Still lots of sleepwalking. My favourite one went like this.
Rowan came to the basement stairs and stood in the entrance. He couldn’t articulate what he wanted, and his voice is a dead giveaway when he’s sleep walking. Its a little lighter and higher. He was a little distressed, but couldn’t get past “I just cant, I just cant…” So we knew. I told him everything was ok, and I got up to take him back to bed. He asked to pee first and I said yes, that was fine. He easily turned around and started heading back up the stairs. He scrambled up the stairs and headed towards his room. We lay a stool hear his door so our vacuum, Meryl, doesn’t bump the bedroom doors. As he headed that way, he tripped over the stool, but it didn’t stop him. He kept walking confidently, and slammed into the bathroom doorframe, pretty hard. But he didn’t even react. I may have snort laughed, but he didn’t notice. He peed, gathered himself, and walked from the bathroom to his bed with giant steps, lol! He walked like he was drunk. It was awesome.
This week, we’ve started Rowan on some new vitamins. He has started taking vitamin D (which we all need) as well as omega 3s and a probiotic. We want to try and help his brain be healthy, because while helping him sleep has made a really positive difference, its clear he needs extra help beyond that. I know I have some friends who have been asking what we’ve used, and I won’t post the brands just yet, as we’ve only had a couple of days of use from them. What I will advise you, if you’re looking for these types of vitamins, is to READ THE BOTTLE!! Some of the omega 3s said a child should take 5-7 PER DAY!!!!! They seemed like a better price at first but nooooo way!!! Keep an eye out for the dosage!! But as for causing a change, he hasn’t been on them long enough at all. As many of you know, we have pretty big fish to fry right now, and not a whole lot of extra mental energy. But if Rowan’s sleep is still better than it was, its still a relief.
Today, Brady and I have been married for twelve years.
Last year’s anniversary was so wonderful. We got to get all dressed up in our wedding gear and Cher took some fast paced, ice cold pictures of us. They were beautiful. More beautiful than our original wedding pictures, I can confidently say. We then went out on a date to the Old Spaghetti Factory and hung out by the river. It was really nice.
In the last year, we’ve done SO MUCH in the way of our family and our future. Its been a really lovely time in our lives, and despite the world reeling under quarantine, we have only gotten closer.
This year, we celebrate being together for another year, reeeaaally honing in on the whole “in sickness and in health” thing. I knowingly married a tradesman. A carpenter. A contractor. He’s shoots himself with nails a LOT. He’s ripped his hands open with every tool in the book. He’s been burned and worn and hurt in varying degrees. I have been waiting for him to cut a finger off or something of the sort. But I did not see this spine stuff in our near future. Or in our future at all. No one did.
That white in his beard, though 😍
Off to Brady’s MRI last week, together.
We spend this anniversary anxious, heavy, and very much distracted by the chaos within our hearts. The impending MRI is hard to look past, and the week ahead is so uncertain.
But I still choose him, obviously. Whether I knew this in advance or not, I would always choose you, Brady.
For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. To love and to cherish.
I may not be very brave in the kitchen just yet, but praise the Lord I’m that much braver than I was a year ago. Food prep for the week ahead is in full swing. Thank you, Tom and Rae, for offering childcare for this morning so we could get our ducks in a row.
Since the kids got dropped off, we turned on some good music, had some coffee, and began the kitchen stuff! I am not a meal planner, though I’d love to be, but for now, I just wrote down six suppers and I’m doing all the prep I can in advance, making sure I have every part of each meal. Meanwhile, my mom has offered to pick some groceries up for us today, so that is an enormous help!
The meals of the week are as follows.
Sweet and sour sausage. I browned all the sausage and its currently simmering in sauce. It goes over rice. we’ll either have frozen green beans or cold veggies beside.
Chicken salads. Thats just big salad with chicken nuggets cut up into it. Can’t prep that just yet because I don’t know what day we’ll have it and I don’t want the lettuce to get icky if its cut too long. But I have everything for it, and everyone likes it.
Honey chicken. I made the mix, and the chicken is frozen in the fridge, ever so slowly defrosting. Also served over rice with whatever veggie. This is definitely a family favorite. Maybe I’ll make a huge thing or rice and reheat it when I need it. Hmmm… 🤔
Pulled pork. Pork loin is defrosting in the fridge. We own BBQ sauce. Buns are on the grocery list for this afternoon.
Breakfast for supper. Bacon defrosting in the fridge. SO many eggs. Even cheese is shredded already.
Stroganoff. Egg noodles are on the grocery list. We have everything else for it. But I weirdly thought I’d talk to you guys about browning meat. I do it in the slow cooker, and I’ve had a handful of you message me and ask about it, so here’s the play by play of browning meat that needs zero handholding.
Today I did 4 lbs. I usually split that for two meals, but I brown it all together. Today, I got lazy/busy and threw it in mostly frozen. I added 1/4 cup of water per pound (so today, one cup of water) as well as my seasonings, which are always salt and pepper, onion and garlic salt.
I put it on low and neglected it for an hour. By that time, it was all thawed and starting to cook. This handy tool is the BEST for ground beef this way!
Its my ground beefer! Its actually technically a “food masher” courtesy of Pampered Chef, but I predominantly use it for ground beef, and its a total life saver from the big weird beef balls that are hard to break up with a wooden spoon. Especially doing ground meat in the crock pot, it gets balled up when its left for a while, and this thing just busts it right up!
Seriously, guys. Its a game changer.
Beyond these things, I plan to prep cheese rolls for the kids lunches for the week so I don’t have to make sandwiches every morning. And I’ll do a crazy amount of veggie chopping tomorrow, also for lunches. Fourteen of them, to be exact. Its not as gruelling as it sounds. And having the “sandwich” and veggies for the entire week of lunches in the fridge and ready to go saves my brain SO MUCH.
Honestly, crisis or not, I may try to prep like this more often. I really appreciate the headspace it opens up over the following week.
