This is not clickbait! We are making some big changes around here and they began this morning.

Last week, Brady accepted a job offer. He is now a contractor salesman at Zak’s Home Hardware in Warman.

I believe it is safe to say we are both more excited than we are nervous. This feels more like a step back into normalcy than a step away from where we’ve been. We have LOVED our time together, but the financial setup we have been experiencing is not sustainable.

We are continuing to research and reach out to where we can still receive some financial backing, as it is our understanding that all disability payments will drop off in the next few months. We will not be at a full, life sustaining wage for a while, though the company understands where we stand and does believe that Brady will eventually reach the financial goal we’re aiming for. Knowing it can and will come helped us a lot in making our decision.

Those are just little details. For now, he just settles in. And he was SO happy to go in this morning 💜

This job is a clear gift from God. It will provide our family with structure, routine, and a guaranteed income. It will continue to raise our credit, and even make it more possible to buy/build another home someday. We will finally appear lower-risk to lenders. Brady will feel productive and accomplished, and I will feel more secure in my role here at home.

There are tricky parts. We’ll need to sell Brady’s work van and find a different second vehicle for Brady to commute in. Ideally something that doesn’t require him to dismantle his chair down every single day, but something that is still good on gas. And affordable, as its a 2K bill to have hand controls installed. Thankfully this is less of a must until winter starts rolling in.

None of this is perfect, but it is clearly God’s plan, and if we know anything at all, we know we don’t always get to know the plan. And thats ok. We have faith that God is at work!

Please, if you’re the praying kind, carry us with you 💜 We have a lot to navigate in these coming weeks and months. We’re anticipating great things!

As I mentioned in the previous posts, it was a very full weekend! Lots of fun, lots of memory making, lots of working, lots of visiting, and lots of photos to prove it 💜

So forgive the lack of organization on this post. There is no rhyme or reason. I also didn’t ask ahead of time about out friends kids being on the blog, so no unfamiliar faces in this one! You’ll have to take my word for it that our campsite was often filled to the brim with people we love 💜 It was AMAZING. Last year, we usually had our two chairs set up. This year, we had six adult chairs up at all times, as well as four kids chairs, and someone was still always sitting on a stump or the golf cart nearby. I loved that so much.

The drive up is always well loved by all. Its such a tradition now that rarely do the kids feel antsy or impatient. This time around, we opted to treat them to supper on the road so they could just arrive at run! It was worth it 🙂 They were SO happy. Definitely won’t be able to hit a restaurant every time, but I will ALWAYS try to arrange supper that we can eat in the van!

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Fires are an immediate part of camp. The first move was to scoop out the ashes from the last weekend, but then we started a fire. It just feels more like home.

You might remember that Laela became quite the tagalong to my bathroom visits last year once I told her that girls pee together. Its really the cutest thing 😍

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A very big part of this weekend was getting our deck roof completed. We did a little bit of work each day and it came together very smoothly.

Dekker has grown up a TON in the last year and was eager to actually be helpful and push himself in new ways. Isn’t he incredible??

Rowan couldn’t be left out, of course.

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We brought the Batec out this time to see how well it would do in the camp setting. Its ok. Its not perfect. Its not great on hills, of which there are a lot. The golf cart is still vastly more versatile and makes more sense. But the Batec makes going for an actual walk as a family more possible. It was really nice, honestly.

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Did I mention Cher was with us? She came on all the walks, picnics, dock viewing parties, etc. She is always a delight to have along with us 💜

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We had one iffy moment where we misplaced a few kids, so Brady and I took a rip around to find them. It was a quick fix, and everyone was easily accounted for. Dekker chased us home. We won.

On the very last day, we got the final roof panels up, and the deck roof is officially all shaded! Next time, we will put up an eavestrough, and then that should be IT! Isn’t it SO pretty?? It looks like home. Because it is.

Going home is hard.

But we will absolutely be back! We have some BIG things in the works this week, so I’ll fill you in more about that tomorrow 🙂 For now, we’re just going to get through week and prep for the next time we’re out at Kinasao!

💜

I have to say, this was possibly the best May long weekend we’ve ever had. The kids only had a blast, and no one struggled to fall asleep or to acclimate, as crazy as that sounds. They just settled in to their environment, and thrived. Not a lot beats camp, that’s for sure.
We played, and worked, and ate, and chatted. We walked and rolled and explored and wandered. We felt SO relaxed but were also so productive!
Yesterday wrapped up on the beach with our friends, marvelling at the view of our beautiful lake, completely ready for the season ahead.

Thank you Lord for creating beautiful things.
Until we meet again, Kinasao 😘

It has been just such a wonderful weekend 💜and it continues to be. Our site has been bustling consistently with people we dearly love. There has been some fun and excitement in the way of using out new camp chef grill for the first time, the docks being put out on the water, and a cold, windy picnic by the lake. We’ve had good treats, scraped knees, and lots of sun. I could not have asked for more fun! 

We still have one day here before the week of reality begins again. Tomorrow holds music, more good food, hopefully a bit more work on projects around the site, and soaking up more hours with our friends 💜 

We are SO fortunate to have this second home. 

I know I am so late to the game tonight. It has been a beautiful, FULL day of friends, food, work, plans, walks, and playing. Getting reacquainted with lake life, if you will.

Please trust me when I say I will tell you all about it later 😘 It has been too precious to interrupt 💜

We have officially coined the best way to prepare to go away for the weekend! It has been such an enjoyable morning, while being super productive. I’ve loved it!

Cher has been here, helping out in a huge way! While Brady’s gathered up tool and started loading the van, Cher and I packed all the kids, found blankets, stuffies, outerwear, books, and everything under the sun. She also chopped all the veggies, cheese, and meat that are standard lunch options at the lake. Then we carried everything out to the garage and Brady got everything loaded up! All three of us worked HARD this morning!

Its important to note how cooperative Wavy and Solly were, reading books in the living room pretty consistently while the adults buzzed around them.

Since we pushed as hard as we did this morning, we will be able to have lunch, nap the nappers, and then I believe the three of us are going to spend some time playing games! Tile rummy, I believe, is on the menu! I’m really looking forward to the relaxation and fun following all the work this morning.

I can’t wait to go get the kids from school and whisk them off to the lake!

I don’t even know what to tell you. There is not a lot of places for boxes to go missing around here. But we have lost some camping stuff and it is nowhere to be found! I am coming to terms with the fact that they are officially gone, not worth ANY more sweat to search for, and that its time to just buy new. Le sigh.

Those items include a whole box of bug spray, sunscreen, and some pretty solar lights. They’re easily the biggest loss of that box. Also, we lots ALL the linens we used last year. As in six full sheet sets, and a king sized duvet cover. We have NO idea where they are.

So today was the day to bite the bullet and do the big shop to get us set up for camping yet again. We spend $450 at Walmart, buying groceries, sheets, lake water bottles, double of vitamins, etc etc etc. We would normally go to Costco for a lot of things, but reading online that the lineups went aaaaall the way to the back of the store, we opted to do all we could at Walmart and leave Costco for a different day.

The only thing we left before was some kind of ice cream treat. I was thinking fudgsicles. But I was worried they wouldn’t make it home since we were sans cooler. But we’ll get there.

I think we have most of what we need. I have a water cooler worked out (thank you, Kim!) to pick up next week, which will save a HUGE amount of space and hassle! I have one kids helmet and am on the hunt for four more so the kids have helmets both at home and at the lake. I even have a booster seat in the works (Thank you, Ang!), which is absolutely something that would improve our summer drives! Lots of things are coming together beautifully 🙂 I’m still hoping to find some light summery quilts for the kids who hate sleeping bags. Lol! We’ll see what we can find.

The kids are SO excited to get to the lake this weekend, and so are we!! The rain can stay until we get there, but then I anticipate good weather, and sun, with lots of productivity and campfires and dirt, hahaha! Aaaaany minute now!

Last night, I was determined to sleep. Its been over a week of horrid sleeps, or lack of sleep, rather. I knew there would be an adjustment coming off of the medication that helped me sleep, but I figured at some point, my body would be tired, and would sleep. After not sleeping a wink the night before, I was absolutely convinced my body would have to give me that sleep last night.

Guys. I did everything right. I kid you not. I did it all.

I went for a long walk with my family, and then another shorter walk right after they went to bed.

I took magnesium with Rowan in the evening.

I took my sertraline, as usual.

I had a hot, comfort food meal.

I had a warm bath.

I got off my phone shortly after 9:00pm and turned off all the lights.

I took Melatonin as I was snuggling in.

And as a last ditch effort, I took NyQuil, which I do very rarely, in an effort to make me drowsy.

And wouldn’t you know it – I was up for HOURS. It was completely absurd. Because I had done everything! It felt like, no matter what I did, I would simply never fall asleep!

Knowing full well that my brain was feeling a touch on the irrational side of things, I used that helpless feeling and put a message in to speak to my doctor. Praise God for her, and her willingness to always go the extra mile for me 💜 As I anticipate a call from her, I carry hopes that she will have some direction, whether thats adding a medication, or even just the knowledge that this is a normal part of switching meds, and we need to battle it for a couple of weeks and it’ll all even out. I just need her input, and I’m incredibly grateful to be able to ask for it.

This is not an update, unfortunately. I don’t have an answer yet. But hopefully very soon 💜 Wish me luck, friends!

I am so appreciative of the warmth I received on yesterday’s post. Sometimes its really hard to be vulnerable on here, but I really have nothing to hide or to be ashamed of. So I thank you, friends, for not criticizing my choices and for being only supportive.

Unfortunately, last night was absolutely my worst sleep thus far. And by sleep, I do mean a complete and utter lack of sleep. I am not confident I slept a wink last night. We’ve all had choppy nights over time, that’s not surprising or new, but I definitely feel a little uneasy. I accidentally dozed off this afternoon and am pretty hopeful it won’t ruin the night ahead. I plan to take some gravol or NyQuil or something tonight to ensure I get some sleep so I can be a higher functioning human being tomorrow. I do trust a lot of this will work itself out as time goes on, but at this point, I lay awake for hours, worrying about absolutely everything. And that needs to change.

So. With that, I don’t have a lot to say today, haha! I’ll show you this dorky picture that gave me a laugh when I needed it, and we’ll try again tomorrow.

I hope you are feeling slightly more awake than I am, and that you find at least a little lightness with this dumb meme. Who knew fish with eyelashes and giant mouths could bring joy?

Hey, friends! It always feels a little awkward and vulnerable to talk about my meds publicly, but there really is no stigma here, so why not?

I can’t find the exact date of when I started incorporating Mertazipine into my medications, but I believe it was in October. At that point, I was on SO many different things, and Mertazipine was going to cover ALL the based and bring me down to ONE med only. We did a very slow fade, getting onto it and slowwwwwly weening off the others. And its done its job! With this ONE medication, I was able to nix the heartburn attacks, cut my panic attacks WAY down, manage anxiety, sleep, and eat!

This many months later, however, its not so good. It wasn’t a bad med, but its done its job, and its time to move along. Because some of the effects were causing more harm than help.

The BEST part of Mertazipine was that I slept every single night! NEVER have I slept so well and so consistently! Unfortunately, with that came the side effect of significant fatigue. We had tweaked the amounts and worked with the side effects, but the fatigue hung on absolutely all day. I felt SO limited. SO exhausted. I had never had less energy.

With Mertazipine, I also had an appetite for the first time ever! It was AWESOME, to be honest! I learned why people like food! I had just simply never really cared about food, but on this medication, I did! It was good to catch up on all the weight I lost while Brady was gone, but the number kept going up. This isn’t uncommon with this type of medication, as we all know, but it was a huge shift for me. Weight distribution is a funny thing, but at the height of my weight gain, I weighed what I did at full term pregnancy. And it happened FAST. I gained about 40 lbs in three months.

Another struggle was that, while Mertazipine was managing my anxiety, it wasn’t managing at well as I would have liked. Back in the day when I started Sertraline (for physical pain, of all things) I felt incredible. I felt light and patient and like life was so much easier. The best way I can describe it was that I felt like myself, enhanced. Hailey 2.0. I want to feel that way again.

One week ago, I spoke with my doctor on the phone. We discussed that our “last try” on a different Mertazipine dose had not made a difference. I talked about how I have been trying to give my body its room to rest and have everything it needed, but that I was growing suspicious that my body was SO tired, not from the activity of our life, but of the medication. It felt like a revelation, to be honest. Dr. Guselle and I talked bluntly and I reminisced about how GOOD I felt on Sertraline back before everything got SO extra challenging. Now that we’re a little ways from the really scary stuff, we decided to try it out again. Thankfully, both medications are SSRIs, so switching from one to another too hard. So, that day, instead of taking Mertazipine before bed, I switched it to Sertraline. A complete cold swap. One for the other. No weening, no fussing, nothing. I figured if there was ever a time to just go for it, that would be now, in spring, when I can be outside more, the kids can be outside more, the sun is out, and lake season is upon us!

What I can tell you is that the very next day, I woke up WELL. I hadn’t had a normal morning in months!! I am absolutely still tired in the morning, but who isn’t? I’m NORMAL tired. Being off of that medication has really opened my eyes to how sedated I was! I will say again, Mertazipine served an important purpose and I have ZERO regrets about going on it! But I feel WAY better in the day. I have WAY more energy. I feel closer to me! I’ve missed me! Hahaha!

Another thing I noticed immediately after switching meds was that my appetite was GONE. As in GONE gone. So I’m working on keeping aware of myself, eating at appropriate times in appropriate amounts. I’m not going to wait until my body screams for me to listen. I just have to pay attention in a new way. I can do that. But I will say that I lost five pounds this week just from eating the way I used to, where I am FULL after every meal. I’d say thats a testament to the fact that many meds just change how your body processes food. Its not ALL about how much we eat.

The biggest hit I’ve taken has been sleep, for sure. I’ve been using melatonin before bed, which has helped me get to bed, but it doesn’t help me stay asleep. Most of the last week I’ve found myself awake around 2:00am and have been awake for at least an hour each night. Usually more. But I’m just transitioning meds newly now, and I expect there to be some effects that are less favourable. Also, realistically, I’ve always had a hard time falling back to sleep after I wake up. I had good tools before Brady’s surgery, and I had a good method for probably the first time in my entire life. So I know it can be done again, and I’m working towards that. And hey, all the lake air and activity won’t hurt either 🙂 I’m hopeful!

Thats the latest on me and meds! I appreciate how I have always felt support and care from you, friends, on this subject. I really have no reason to hide, but its vulnerable stuff, and I am very grateful to be able to share openly.

If anyone has any great techniques that help them fall back to sleep in the night, lay ’em on me!