If you remember my crazy hand and arm pain from early last year, you may remember that I learned a big lesson through that time. I learned that my body will often talk to me before my brain does. Sometimes, my brain and body disagree. My body will be unhappy, and communicating it to me, but I push myself further, because my brain tells me I can do it! Sometimes, my brain is wrong. Oof.
Since Brady’s been away, my anxiety has manifested itself largely in the way of bad heartburn. It sounds like a small thing, but I swear, when its at its worst, I cannot stand up. Its completely incapacitating. As I’ve said previously, I’m on medications for it and its at bay, but its not gone. Its just managed. About a month ago, on a day where I wasn’t expecting to go see Brady, plans changed, and I could go see him after all! I was SO excited!! And in that moment, my heartburn flared BAD. It was SO confusing, because I was so excited, and so happy, but my body’s response was to completely tie up in knots. It was SO maddening. I think that was the point where I called my doctor for help.
Things have been managed well since I started a prescription or two, until Monday. I felt a little overtired, and woke up with big heartburn. It had been a long time since I’d had any, and I had laid off some of my extra meds a week or two ago already. I took my meds that morning, but of course, I knew it wouldn’t just catch up immediately. But it helped me back to a point of functioning, and I got up for the day.
I went to see Brady that day, and all went well. I was almost dozing off, though, so I called it a little earlier than usual and went home. My mom greeted me, and almost immediately offered for me to go up to bed for a rest. I felt so crummy and tired, and took her up on it.
I dozed off during a YouTube video. For sure less than twenty minutes. And I woke up in the middle of my first ever anxiety attack. I was shivering uncontrollably, despite the heating pad I was snuggling with. My heart felt fast, and I couldn’t stop moving my legs. I almost want to say I was writhing? I couldn’t come down from it. I took deep breaths and worked hard to calm myself, but I was SO cold and SO shivery, and because of that, all my muscles were tensed up tight, and I was in pain. I called for my mom and she came up to help me. She was very concerned, as you can expect. I asked if she could start a bath for me. She didn’t love the idea of me being unstable in a bathtub, but I took my phone with me so I could call for help, and she said she’d come check in from time to time. She stayed in the room until the bath was fully run and I was settled.
The bath turned out to be the right move, and my body finally relaxed.
I spent most of the remainder of the day in bed. I was beyond exhausted. My tolerance was low. My head hurt so bad. I was miserable. I was SO frustrated with my body. How dare it want to recharge at such a time as this – when my husband is in the hospital and my children need me more than ever?? I praise the Lord for my small circle of people who have been able to actively help in my home – mom and Cher, and for my much larger circle of support outside my home, which consists of SO many of you, and your friends, and their friends.
I cannot afford to burn out, but its clear my body wanted me to take a step back from the day, at least. I’m trying to find that smooth middle ground between getting rest, but also pushing myself to accomplish tasks that genuinely need accomplishing. How can I trust my drive and motivation? My body will be tired, but how much is too much? I wish my brain and body would cooperate with each other. Live in harmony already š