The Daily Hailey

Remember how I’ve said in previous posts how I keep being reminded of scheduled events on my phone that have been cancelled? Preschool events, appointments and such. I don’t look at my calendar much anymore because, let’s be real, my schedule is WIDE open. But I should really make a practice of checking in on it once in a while because this was a rude awakening this morning. 

We conceived in August of 2019, as you know, and spent a month going back and forth on whether it would or wouldn’t be. As it turned out, the answer was no, and I ended up in surgery when the baby wouldn’t come out 😔 It was somewhat traumatizing, but also peaceful, somehow. Thank you, Lord, for covering us in that time. 

I have struggled with that pregnancy experience, to be honest. It was the weirdest thing. I do not have a single ultrasound picture. I know thats very common for the number of weeks that I lost our baby at, but I had multiple ultrasounds in that time. I remember learning that there were two sacks at our first appointment. The possibility of twins was looming, and I couldn’t have been more excited, honestly. At that point, it would’ve just been a picture of two sacs. “Just.” I ache for a picture of that. I have absolutely NO proof that pregnancy ever existed. And while I don’t lose sleep over it, it bothers me to this day, and I wish it were different. 

Today would’ve been my due date. With my usual situation, I’d already have had the baby for a week now. If it were twins, I’d likely have had them for even longer! Yet 🤷‍♀️ here we are, our “baby” coming up on two years of age, with no baby on the horizon. I am SO grateful for my family, but this isn’t how I pictured things. Thank goodness my plans are not my own. 

I’m feeling a little mourny today. One of the small, crappy parts of a loss is that you remember their due date as well as they day they passed, where as a healthy pregnancy results in a birthday. Its just different. And today is the due date for the pregnancy that will likely be forgotten the easiest. 

But I won’t forget. 

See you later, little Buddy ❤️