The Daily Hailey

Probably the most painful blood draw I’ve ever had yesterday morning. But it was fast, and necessary.

I received word in the afternoon that HCG has completely left my system, yet again. The receptionist read the message from Dr. Guselle:

“Please tell Hailey that her HCG test is negative, and that I hope its positive again very soon.”

I love her. I think she secretly loves us, too.

I’ve learned a lot about that final blood draw. There is a whirlwind of emotion that comes along with it. It closes the book on another failed pregnancy, which is the main sorrow, of course. But it also provides clarity. Once those pregnancy hormones are out of my body, I can know with confidence that the things I’m feeling are grief, and are within my control.

I am allowed to grieve, and to feel how I feel, but I also have a whole life and a whole family and responsibilities coming out the nose. I am SO grateful for my people who give me nothing but grace and love, and help me in any way I allow. I’ve been given little breaks to go hide and crochet in my room. I’ve had help in the kitchen. I’ve been allowed to be quiet or sensitive or messy, without judgement.

The weekend away was a huge relief, but regular life has been hard to settle into. My heart is tired. Timing of busyness is a funny thing, but I’ve not had to feel alone.

Thank you, Lord, for helping my body do what it needed to do without outside help. I’m sad, but I’m grateful.