With the change of season around us – summer to fall, camp to school – my brain and body are more tired than they were. Not necessarily more physically tired, but I’m sure you understand. The whole mindset changes from one to the next, and shifting gears takes time.
These days, my mental energy is sucked absolutely dry. I’ve been feeling on the verge of tears for the last couple of days. Not in an unhealthy way. But in a realistic way. I battle emotional struggles day in and day out, but recently, I don’t have the mental strength to get through them as smoothly as I did before. I’m definitely not as tough right now.
Yesterday, going back through Brady’s progress pictures and videos really hurt my heart. It was hard to see we had been and how much had changed.
A couple of weeks ago, I went into a tub of kids clothes to find Waverly some long sleeved shirts in a better size, and that pretty much wrecked me. So. Many. Baby clothes. And no babies.
Of course no one should be trying to have a baby during all of this chaos. Especially not during chemo! These are things I know. I’m still logical.
But we didn’t ask for this. Paraplegia. Cancer. Sickness. Physical struggle.
This was just so far from what we had planned.
When we started losing babies a few years ago, I started being able to express my trust in God better. I am both relieved and infuriated that He has control and I do not. I have often wish for something – anything – tangible for me to do to better our situations, and its just not on the books for me to solve these things.
I am so grateful that it is NOT up to me how this all plays out. I know God is in control, and He has allowed these things to happen. If it was up to me, this year would look completely different. Like, the POLAR OPPOSITE. A total 180. But. Then I would be doing it wrong, because that way is not God’s way. And I trust God.
I know this to be true, so we plod on.
We trust you, Lord.