I’m skipping Melatonin Monday this week. I’m sorry, my mind is just elsewhere, and while I do have self discipline, its so hard to see past these recent events. Plus, its my blog, so I get to make the rules. Lucky me.
Some days are really tough. Brady’s hospital ward is hard. They have a lot of tough stuff there, and because they are CRAZY BUSY, they almost never answer their phone. I’m supposed to call before I come, because of all the covid regulation, so they can put me on an approved list. But I can’t get through. I can’t ask anyone any questions, so I miss everything. I missed speaking with Brady’s surgeon – something we were SO eager to do together. I missed his first meeting with physical therapy, and his first ride in a wheelchair. I feel sad that he is going through all of these scary firsts, and a little resentful that I can’t be there with him, advocating for him to have what he needs. Its just hard. Damn hard.
Today, I couldn’t come at my usual time, and only got there around lunch. Brady shared some discouraging stuff with me, and we were both feeling quite down. I snuggled up beside him on his bed, and we both fell asleep. It felt so normal. So needed. My gosh I miss him. But as it goes, we woke up, and I left so he could get some real sleep.
I bawled the entire way home. I cried about missing my husband. Being scared for him. Wanting him to come home. Trying to be brave, but being so tired. Being SO upset about some injustices and hurt feelings. I just bawled. There was nothing glamorous about it.
Today was ugly. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
Yes, it is tough! And there will be good times and more tough times! But one thing I learned in going thru Amy’s cancer journey was that you have to take it one day at a time. I would pray for God to help me with what I had that day and to trust Him. The next day I’d do the same. Of course you have to plan ahead, especially with the kids. But I learned I couldn’t take on the burdens or worries of the future or I would be paralyzed. God didn’t make everything perfect but He loved and carried us through. He will do that for you too!