I know I am so late to the game tonight. It has been a beautiful, FULL day of friends, food, work, plans, walks, and playing. Getting reacquainted with lake life, if you will.

Please trust me when I say I will tell you all about it later 😘 It has been too precious to interrupt 💜

We have officially coined the best way to prepare to go away for the weekend! It has been such an enjoyable morning, while being super productive. I’ve loved it!

Cher has been here, helping out in a huge way! While Brady’s gathered up tool and started loading the van, Cher and I packed all the kids, found blankets, stuffies, outerwear, books, and everything under the sun. She also chopped all the veggies, cheese, and meat that are standard lunch options at the lake. Then we carried everything out to the garage and Brady got everything loaded up! All three of us worked HARD this morning!

Its important to note how cooperative Wavy and Solly were, reading books in the living room pretty consistently while the adults buzzed around them.

Since we pushed as hard as we did this morning, we will be able to have lunch, nap the nappers, and then I believe the three of us are going to spend some time playing games! Tile rummy, I believe, is on the menu! I’m really looking forward to the relaxation and fun following all the work this morning.

I can’t wait to go get the kids from school and whisk them off to the lake!

I don’t even know what to tell you. There is not a lot of places for boxes to go missing around here. But we have lost some camping stuff and it is nowhere to be found! I am coming to terms with the fact that they are officially gone, not worth ANY more sweat to search for, and that its time to just buy new. Le sigh.

Those items include a whole box of bug spray, sunscreen, and some pretty solar lights. They’re easily the biggest loss of that box. Also, we lots ALL the linens we used last year. As in six full sheet sets, and a king sized duvet cover. We have NO idea where they are.

So today was the day to bite the bullet and do the big shop to get us set up for camping yet again. We spend $450 at Walmart, buying groceries, sheets, lake water bottles, double of vitamins, etc etc etc. We would normally go to Costco for a lot of things, but reading online that the lineups went aaaaall the way to the back of the store, we opted to do all we could at Walmart and leave Costco for a different day.

The only thing we left before was some kind of ice cream treat. I was thinking fudgsicles. But I was worried they wouldn’t make it home since we were sans cooler. But we’ll get there.

I think we have most of what we need. I have a water cooler worked out (thank you, Kim!) to pick up next week, which will save a HUGE amount of space and hassle! I have one kids helmet and am on the hunt for four more so the kids have helmets both at home and at the lake. I even have a booster seat in the works (Thank you, Ang!), which is absolutely something that would improve our summer drives! Lots of things are coming together beautifully 🙂 I’m still hoping to find some light summery quilts for the kids who hate sleeping bags. Lol! We’ll see what we can find.

The kids are SO excited to get to the lake this weekend, and so are we!! The rain can stay until we get there, but then I anticipate good weather, and sun, with lots of productivity and campfires and dirt, hahaha! Aaaaany minute now!

Last night, I was determined to sleep. Its been over a week of horrid sleeps, or lack of sleep, rather. I knew there would be an adjustment coming off of the medication that helped me sleep, but I figured at some point, my body would be tired, and would sleep. After not sleeping a wink the night before, I was absolutely convinced my body would have to give me that sleep last night.

Guys. I did everything right. I kid you not. I did it all.

I went for a long walk with my family, and then another shorter walk right after they went to bed.

I took magnesium with Rowan in the evening.

I took my sertraline, as usual.

I had a hot, comfort food meal.

I had a warm bath.

I got off my phone shortly after 9:00pm and turned off all the lights.

I took Melatonin as I was snuggling in.

And as a last ditch effort, I took NyQuil, which I do very rarely, in an effort to make me drowsy.

And wouldn’t you know it – I was up for HOURS. It was completely absurd. Because I had done everything! It felt like, no matter what I did, I would simply never fall asleep!

Knowing full well that my brain was feeling a touch on the irrational side of things, I used that helpless feeling and put a message in to speak to my doctor. Praise God for her, and her willingness to always go the extra mile for me 💜 As I anticipate a call from her, I carry hopes that she will have some direction, whether thats adding a medication, or even just the knowledge that this is a normal part of switching meds, and we need to battle it for a couple of weeks and it’ll all even out. I just need her input, and I’m incredibly grateful to be able to ask for it.

This is not an update, unfortunately. I don’t have an answer yet. But hopefully very soon 💜 Wish me luck, friends!

I am so appreciative of the warmth I received on yesterday’s post. Sometimes its really hard to be vulnerable on here, but I really have nothing to hide or to be ashamed of. So I thank you, friends, for not criticizing my choices and for being only supportive.

Unfortunately, last night was absolutely my worst sleep thus far. And by sleep, I do mean a complete and utter lack of sleep. I am not confident I slept a wink last night. We’ve all had choppy nights over time, that’s not surprising or new, but I definitely feel a little uneasy. I accidentally dozed off this afternoon and am pretty hopeful it won’t ruin the night ahead. I plan to take some gravol or NyQuil or something tonight to ensure I get some sleep so I can be a higher functioning human being tomorrow. I do trust a lot of this will work itself out as time goes on, but at this point, I lay awake for hours, worrying about absolutely everything. And that needs to change.

So. With that, I don’t have a lot to say today, haha! I’ll show you this dorky picture that gave me a laugh when I needed it, and we’ll try again tomorrow.

I hope you are feeling slightly more awake than I am, and that you find at least a little lightness with this dumb meme. Who knew fish with eyelashes and giant mouths could bring joy?

Hey, friends! It always feels a little awkward and vulnerable to talk about my meds publicly, but there really is no stigma here, so why not?

I can’t find the exact date of when I started incorporating Mertazipine into my medications, but I believe it was in October. At that point, I was on SO many different things, and Mertazipine was going to cover ALL the based and bring me down to ONE med only. We did a very slow fade, getting onto it and slowwwwwly weening off the others. And its done its job! With this ONE medication, I was able to nix the heartburn attacks, cut my panic attacks WAY down, manage anxiety, sleep, and eat!

This many months later, however, its not so good. It wasn’t a bad med, but its done its job, and its time to move along. Because some of the effects were causing more harm than help.

The BEST part of Mertazipine was that I slept every single night! NEVER have I slept so well and so consistently! Unfortunately, with that came the side effect of significant fatigue. We had tweaked the amounts and worked with the side effects, but the fatigue hung on absolutely all day. I felt SO limited. SO exhausted. I had never had less energy.

With Mertazipine, I also had an appetite for the first time ever! It was AWESOME, to be honest! I learned why people like food! I had just simply never really cared about food, but on this medication, I did! It was good to catch up on all the weight I lost while Brady was gone, but the number kept going up. This isn’t uncommon with this type of medication, as we all know, but it was a huge shift for me. Weight distribution is a funny thing, but at the height of my weight gain, I weighed what I did at full term pregnancy. And it happened FAST. I gained about 40 lbs in three months.

Another struggle was that, while Mertazipine was managing my anxiety, it wasn’t managing at well as I would have liked. Back in the day when I started Sertraline (for physical pain, of all things) I felt incredible. I felt light and patient and like life was so much easier. The best way I can describe it was that I felt like myself, enhanced. Hailey 2.0. I want to feel that way again.

One week ago, I spoke with my doctor on the phone. We discussed that our “last try” on a different Mertazipine dose had not made a difference. I talked about how I have been trying to give my body its room to rest and have everything it needed, but that I was growing suspicious that my body was SO tired, not from the activity of our life, but of the medication. It felt like a revelation, to be honest. Dr. Guselle and I talked bluntly and I reminisced about how GOOD I felt on Sertraline back before everything got SO extra challenging. Now that we’re a little ways from the really scary stuff, we decided to try it out again. Thankfully, both medications are SSRIs, so switching from one to another too hard. So, that day, instead of taking Mertazipine before bed, I switched it to Sertraline. A complete cold swap. One for the other. No weening, no fussing, nothing. I figured if there was ever a time to just go for it, that would be now, in spring, when I can be outside more, the kids can be outside more, the sun is out, and lake season is upon us!

What I can tell you is that the very next day, I woke up WELL. I hadn’t had a normal morning in months!! I am absolutely still tired in the morning, but who isn’t? I’m NORMAL tired. Being off of that medication has really opened my eyes to how sedated I was! I will say again, Mertazipine served an important purpose and I have ZERO regrets about going on it! But I feel WAY better in the day. I have WAY more energy. I feel closer to me! I’ve missed me! Hahaha!

Another thing I noticed immediately after switching meds was that my appetite was GONE. As in GONE gone. So I’m working on keeping aware of myself, eating at appropriate times in appropriate amounts. I’m not going to wait until my body screams for me to listen. I just have to pay attention in a new way. I can do that. But I will say that I lost five pounds this week just from eating the way I used to, where I am FULL after every meal. I’d say thats a testament to the fact that many meds just change how your body processes food. Its not ALL about how much we eat.

The biggest hit I’ve taken has been sleep, for sure. I’ve been using melatonin before bed, which has helped me get to bed, but it doesn’t help me stay asleep. Most of the last week I’ve found myself awake around 2:00am and have been awake for at least an hour each night. Usually more. But I’m just transitioning meds newly now, and I expect there to be some effects that are less favourable. Also, realistically, I’ve always had a hard time falling back to sleep after I wake up. I had good tools before Brady’s surgery, and I had a good method for probably the first time in my entire life. So I know it can be done again, and I’m working towards that. And hey, all the lake air and activity won’t hurt either 🙂 I’m hopeful!

Thats the latest on me and meds! I appreciate how I have always felt support and care from you, friends, on this subject. I really have no reason to hide, but its vulnerable stuff, and I am very grateful to be able to share openly.

If anyone has any great techniques that help them fall back to sleep in the night, lay ’em on me!

*read in a whisper*

We’re home. Its late. It was an incredible day spent at the lake, in the sun, around a fire, sipping coffee with friends. I truly couldn’t have asked for more. We let down and enjoyed ourselves, but we also got some work done, some things organized, and the camper swept and cleaned completely of mouse poison. Success!

I’m late to post because the day was SO full of beauty and friends, and the drive home was quiet and tired. But the most contented tired. I have almost no pictures of today because we just soaked in the moments. You’ll just have to trust me that they were sweet and filled with memories. Already! Its just the first weekend!

Ok, friends. Bedtime. My bed is going to smell like campfire and I’m not even made at it!

Sleep sweet!

It’s already been a full weekend here! It’s been so so good! Very much like home 💜 

Priority one upon getting here was making sure the camper had wintered well. It had! What a relief! 😅The golf cart, however, was not working. Brady had babysat the batteries all winter so it would work quickly and easily. But it wouldn’t go. So yesterday we drove back to PA for some parts, and upon installing them, it still didn’t run! We charged it all night and this morning, it STILL wouldn’t run!! 

I built a fire and Brady googled some trouble shooting. It wasn’t long before all the usual suspects from the campground showed up. It was SO good to see everyone! They gave us some tips on the golf cart and teased us about being on tv earlier this year 😂 It was so good to be among our lake friends! 

Luckily, they had good insight and said EVERYTHING corroded so badly this winter. So a quick clean of all the connectors and the golf cart was up and running!! Thank the Lord!! We were a touch stranded without it! 

We took a celebratory drive around the camp and down to the water. And by “water” I do mean ICE! Hahaha! Yikes! Will NOT be swimming in there anytime soon!! 

We’ve returned to our site and continue to work at it. We have a lot of jobs we CAN do but only so much extra energy to put into them; so we’re choosing wisely! 

And sometimes less wisely 🤮 

Tonight holds good food and rest!
We are so grateful for the contentment that our camp spot holds 💜

Stay warm, friends.

Timing is a funny thing.

Last month, Brady completed his final round of chemotherapy. Twelve months. Every four weeks, without fail, Brady did chemo. It’s been four weeks since he started that cycle. This would be the day he’d start taking pills if he were still doing chemo. 

Instead of taking chemo this weekend, we’re at the lake. 

It’s overcast and rainy and it sounds and smells incredible!

So far, the bump out worked, and place is up to size, and the water is on. Brady’s getting the water heater going, and I’ve unloaded most of the van. The fridge is on and the space heater is pumping. Our golf cart batteries need a little help but PA isn’t too far off. We have a plan in place. It is SO good to be home 💜💜💜

Yesterday evening was tough, so we opted to go for an evening walk. Usually it helps, but I’ll be honest and say I was not feeling confident at all. I was very apprehensive. When we got outside, it was colder and windier than anticipated.

Everyone grabbed a hoodie or a spring jacket and we were on our way!

The walk was ok. At least for the first half. Wavy got upset about something on the way home, and we still had at least ten minutes of walking ahead of us. She cried the entire way home. Nothing would solve it. When we finally got everyone in the door, she agreed that it was time for bed. As I tucked her in, I reassured her that she wasn’t in any trouble, but that it was clear she needed to sleep. She responded with “Ya, I’m tired.”

Goodness she is SO gorgeous! 😍

Evening walks are not always flawless by any means, and sometimes they just can’t happen. But when they do, its SUCH a win and everyone sleeps so much better! Worth the effort, for sure!

Enjoy the sun, friends 💜 before the raaaaaaain!!