After having a conversation the other day about how badly we still need to move, I find myself newly fired up to speak up for my family and try to find a solution.

We find ourselves in and around tax time. As self-employed people, securing a mortgage is hugely dependant on two good tax years. That reassures your lender that you’re good at your job, consistent with receiving income, and reliable to pay money back. Its completely justified. And at this point, once taxes are done, we are giving away one of those tax years. Now, behind us, we have ONE good tax year, and one income-free year.

*barf*

Well then, guys, get some income!

Cool. Yup, that sounds good.

Except its not that simple.

Forgive me if I’m repeating myself and you know all this. Bear with me.

The amount of disability benefits we receive per year does not even come close to what we need to survive. Maybe six months. No more than that. Brady still deeply desires to work and provide for his family! But, the cutoff is 6K. After that, he loses all disability payments.

Read that again.

If Brady is well enough to make $500 per month, he no longer qualifies for disability benefits. None.

Dumb, right?

In order to get a house like everyone else, we have to somehow survive on next to nothing, or we have to find Brady part time work that pulls in FULL wage. I specify part time work, because his body does not hold up to full days anymore.

Biology lesson!

Brady’s height of injury is at T6, so riiiiight smack dab in the middle of this highlighted area.

So, everything below that is affected. Brady has some ab strength, but not much. If you see him stand, you may notice he has developed the cutest little baby dad bod paunch. I say this with ALL the love in my heart, and I have Brady’s permission to talk about it here. Its just the truth. Its not even because he’s sitting around more these days (lol) but because of the fact that his lower abdominal muscles are no longer working 💜 Unfortunately, those ones just don’t turn on anymore, meaning they will atrophy and disappear. With that, Brady’s standing will never be “proper” or long winded, so any amount of standing means soreness and pain at the end of the day. He HAS to only work part time hours. Its really his only option for returning to work.

But. If he returns to work, he loses all disability.

But if he doesn’t return to work, we cannot survive financially.

Hailey, can you go to work?

Sure, I could. Two things about that. Realistically, that leaves Brady as the primary parent here at home with Waverly. And while he is INCREDIBLE and INVOLVED, realistically, his capability to act fast in an emergency situation is not ideal. (Not in this house, anyway. It would be totally doable in the new house we deeply desire to live in.) Also, on top of that, is the truth of Brady wanting to work. He wants to provide and be the breadwinner like he always has been! He WANTS to be at work, and I WANT to be home. So thats what we aim for.

With every day passing, we watch our finances change and dissipate, knowing they will eventually run out. We need a plan before that happens. We watch our door frames get busted up, our flooring warp, and Brady feeling progressively more frustrated and helpless. We need income, and we need a new home. The longer we wait, the harder the move could be, depending on how Brady’s mobility changes.

There is an obvious hole in the system here. House or not, our livelihood is dependant on these payments, and something needs to be done. I cannot be the only person who sees this obvious flaw.

I want to be reasonable, and rational. But I also want to knock on some doors and write some letters. Who do we contact now? Government officials? Newspapers? At what point do I cross the line between justified into entitled?

We pray and we trust God, but that doesn’t negate our responsibility to vouch for our family and for many others I am sure have found themselves trapped in this system.

Help me, friends. Where do I turn?

Solly attended his first birthday party yesterday! He was SO excited – to a liiiiittle bit anxious upon arriving – to complete joy the moment he saw a familiar face at the door. He ran into the party without looking back. I told him I’d be back after supper to get him. He didn’t hear me. He wasn’t worried. That was a big success!

The party was to let out somewhere between 6:30 and 7, so being that the time was flexible, we decided to walk. I had bene itching to go out for a walk, and had planned on walking him there with the family, but we were late getting out the door and it just didn’t work out. After supper would have to do.

And that it did.

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As you can see, rubber boots even came out! Jackets were overkill but we knew it was going to be cooler out on the walk back.

We walked aaaaall the way across town, and turned out to be among the first to arrive. So we lapped a block and bought Solly an extra ten minutes. Once we saw a few other parents go into the house, I figured I should be polite and go retrieve my child.

The house was TEAMING! It was pure mayhem in there! This kids very brave parents had invited the entire kindergarten class! Five year olds EVERYWHERE! But not my five year old. So I braved the party and went downstairs to hunt for my kid.

I found him totally happily surrounded by new toys and friends in the basement. He immediately burst out crying, thinking he had to leave NOW! I went to him and told him I would happily give him two more minutes. He rallied right away and started showing me all the cool toys. Once he had showed me all the important things, he told me he was ready, and we headed up and out!

I know he LOVED the party, but I LOVED the walk 💜 I ache for springtime walks after supper. That used to be out routine, and it was SO good for all of us.

By the time our house was in sight, it was just past the younger kids bedtime, and all five of our kids were saying they were really looking forward to their warm beds. Even Dekker, who stays up later than everyone, said he didn’t think he’d read tonight, but just go right to bed. And it was all said happily. Not in a grumpy “Thats it. We’re all going to bed” kind of way. In a comfy, tired, restful, warm way.

I hope for so so many more of these evenings. It felt like another way that normalcy is approaching. Thank you Lord for beautiful weather, even if just for a time.

I woke up to the sound of geese this morning. While its not anyone’s ideal sound – honking – it makes me feel like Spring is on the way! Don’t get me wrong. I know a Spring blizzard still has to happen. Its the law. In fact, if someone could just foolishly pack up all of their childrens winter gear, I’m pretty sure thats all winter needs to throw its final storm at us. Anyone willing to tempt fate to get things moving?? Anyone??

As soon as I was coherent enough to actually think, I thought of so many angles that I could take blogging about geese.

I had a mental picture of geese flying in a road rage kind of way, honking at one another.

Or maybe geese blowing their noses loudly.

Or just pinching each other’s noses.

Then I figured I could take a slightly off-color angle and call the geese “honky.” But thats a whole racial thing, and I didn’t know if it would go over well.

Beyond these particularly dumb jokes, all I could picture in my head was Michael Scott saying “Bruuuuuce,” except “gooooose!” Ya.

I don’t anticipate a single one of these jokes will land. But I sure hope the geese do.

We geared up for the gig for most of the day yesterday. The days just don’t have enough hours, so there were loose ends to tie up before we could get on the road. Practicing. Showering. Making supper. Packing up the van. Making faces.

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You know how it goes.

But the time finally did come, and Brady and I headed out to Clearcut to start setting up. We were greeted warmly, and free to do whatever we needed to do to set up! My mom had also arrived, with Dekker and Laela, and helped us get couches slid around a little bit so we could have a better space to play. Carrie arrived shortly after and helped bring our stuff in and and set up the final details.

We had SUCH a good turnout! Ack! The place was FULL of people, both that we knew and didn’t know. It is really special to full supported this way. We had our families and some friends come out. We had some returning local people that we met several gigs ago. We had some first timers who fearlessly sat right up front, and bobbed and tapped their feet along to every song. It was loud and boisterous and energetic and felt like a party. We received applause after every single song. It. Was. Awesome.

We came home shortly after 8:30 to a quiet household and a warm, caring Tom on our couch. He had so happily taken on supper with the three younger kids, read stories, and put them to bed. I realized this morning that ALL our dishes were washed. He went above and beyond. Our family is SO fortunate to have such incredible people just across the street 💜

I mean, if this isn’t contentment, I don’t know what it.

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Thank you, Tom, for getting them down so peacefully.

And thank you ALL who participated in yesterday is some way 💜 It was REALLY fun, and I hope there will be many more on the books.

Today’s the daaaaay!

We practiced music with Carrie this morning, so we’re as ready as we’ll ever be!

I admit, I felt pretty unsure yesterday, thinking we were really rusty and that it might just be really, really rough. But this morning eased my nerves. Not only was the music smoother and better than the previous practice, but also, we have SO much fun 💜 and I like to think thats part of our charm.

I tried to occupy Wavy, which worked for a short while…

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But as soon as practice started, that was it! She was in the living room, taking my shaker away and singing her heart out. It was VERY cute. I threw some of that up on Insta if you go take a peek.

My final plug – come to Clearcut 🙂 We have SO much fun, and I can personally attest to the quality of their treats, both in the form of drinks and baking! Come on come all! I can’t promise perfection, but I do promise is will sound better than…

This.

You have my word.

Brady and I went to Saskatoon this morning to get his blood taken and checked for his upcoming chemo cycle. That was quick and easy. Brady is a pro at bloodwork now. Once it was over, we made a quick run to Home Depot for something little, and then we hit Walmart.

I have some food goals for the near future, none of which can be satisfied by Costco, so Walmart was the direction I moved in! We got some baking things, some scrubby yarn (trust me, my scrubbies are awesome, and you want a couple) and some wipers for our van. Our poor van, haha! The wiper blades started flapping recently, and today they completely folded in on themselves. So that was a must. Before we headed to checkout, we went to peruse the seasonal, summery stuff.

And guys. I could’ve done a LOT of damage. I resisted, but I did buy a few things.

First – bowls. We are a bowl family. I would rather have three bowls than a big plate. Its just the truth. Last summer, we bought super cute coral dishes out of Walmart for the lake. Plates were $0.75 each, but bowls were $1.50. So we left them. And we shouldn’t have. We like bowls. We needed bowls. This year, the colors are different, but the bowls were the same cost as the plates! So we got a bunch. Like, a bunch. Fourteen. Because heaven forbid we each need two bowls in one meal, or we just didn’t do dishes. Anyway. Bowls. Blue bowls. Fourteen bowls. I’m so happy.

Second – Food storage containers. Now, hear me. I know I care about these more than I should, but I am oddly excited for these things.

We tend to bring a few ziploc containers with us to the lake, but I never choose the right sizes, or I forget, or I just don’t have any at all and leftovers end up in grocery bags 🤦🏼‍♀️ Not ideal. These will be just for the lake! They are CUTE and the designs wont even come off because they’ll just be hand-washed at the lake!!

Third – we bought a toilet auger. Lol! Less exciting. Less cute. More important. I’m grateful for it.

Today’s trip to Saskatoon made me anticipate lake time even more than I have been, which is already a lot!

Aaaaany minute now!!

For a good while now, I have had my meds sorted out beautifully, and I’m SO grateful to be able to say that I am down to ONE medication! To give you a quick update, I am taking an antidepressant that is most often used in elderly patients who are somewhat wasting away. Unfortunately, as young as I may be, I, too, was wasting away thanks to my struggles and anxiety. My medications side effects turned out to be the biggest benefits for me. For the first time maybe ever, I had a real appetite, and ate full meals at appropriate times. With that, I’ve gained weight. More than I thought. I’m still adjusting to some of that, but I can tell you that my body feels healthier than maybe it ever has. The medication also helps with sleep, which has actually always been an issue for me, all through my childhood and on. So now, I eat, sleep, and function much better!

As I slowly weened off of everything else, my anxiety did increase, and my doctor and I have been working closely to find my appropriate dose. Because this particular medication is an anomaly.

On the lowest dose possible, I was completely incoherent in the mornings. Nothing I could push past. It was just brutal, simply put. Miserable. I would lose hours when I needed to be doing things to help the family run smoothly. And it did not get better with time. It was the dose. With this medication, the higher you go in the dose, the LESS drowsy you get.

I know. It doesn’t make sense. It should be the opposite. But its a weird one. And so am I. So that checks out.

Yet, with this, I struggled with going up in a medication just for the sake of sleep. Yet, if thats the right move, I’m open to it. So slowly, I’ve gone up a little here and there. And I think its working!

I’m still very tired in the mornings. VERY tired. But I think most humans are, and being that sleep has always been a struggle, mornings have also always been a struggle. So I’m thinking this is maybe normal tired? I am relieved to say that my weight is stable. While it was consistently creeping up for the last month or two, I haven’t gained anything in the last two weeks, so perhaps I’m levelled off to where I’ll stay. At least for now. I’m wishing there was a less forward way to post it, but I’d like to post a comparison picture for my own sake. Before this medication, and after being on it for a while.

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I liked before Hailey, and I like after Hailey. After Hailey is healthier in a LOT of ways than before Hailey. But they’re the same person at the root 💜

My mood was still quite low until about two weeks ago when I adjusted it. We had a crackling stereo speaker than made me SO angry, I wanted to throw that stupid thing out the window. It still bugs me, absolutely, but these days, I just turn it down a little. I don’t turn it off, or unplug anything, or get SO angry at it anymore. I am WAY more myself. I also feel like the kids have been doing better recently, but again, thats probably actually me doing better 💜 Being more patient. I like being a patient mom and wife. Thats how I want to be.

I don’t know if this medication is a forever medication. Its not perfect. I want to be better in the morning than I am now. But I’m also not afraid to need medication longer term. Or to change things along the way. I feel confident. We will have to see how the coming months and years play out. I don’t have big plans. I do have some counselling coming up soon, though, which I am greatly anticipating!!!

I trust God to direct me, and I believe He is.

Thank you Lord!

I was going with “the busiest week” but rolled with an Office reference instead. Anyone? Anyone?!

I know at least a couple of you will get a laugh from this. Aaaaanyway…

This week is another one of those crazy ones that is fuller than feels necessary. Before all of this craziness over the last year, I had a really clear picture of what my brain and body could handle. I would say “If I have one scheduled thing on my calendar in a day, thats enough.” And that was reasonable, in my opinion! I knew what worked well for my health. There were days where there was more on my list than just the preferred one thing, but the awareness of my ideal helped me get through that stuff 🙂 Now, having shouldered a much crazier year, my capacity went waaaaay dowwwwwn, and now, I believe its rising back up to a healthier place!

I say this because maybe some of you can manage a lot more than this! And thats fabulous! But for me, right now, its BIG!

Lucky for me, lots of this stuff is good stuff!

So, here you have it.

Monday. Brady was commissioned to make some items for one of the local restaurants, so he’s hoping to pump out as much of that order as possible today! So that leaves me doing the kids stuff, which is totally fine. And I sorted and began a MOUNTAIN of laundry today. Its been WAY too long! I don’t have a ton on the books that is specific for the daytime, but Brady and I do have a band practice with Carrie post bedtime 🙂 Have I talked about that enough? Who’s coming??

Tuesday. This is our one relaxed day. I actually had to schedule in a hangout with Cher, since we’re so busy here and she’s so busy with school, too! So the morning is a date with Cher. And then the afternoon will be regularly life things. I have a commissioned order that I will be working on as much as humanly possible throughout this week, any spare moment. So hopefully I get LOTS done Tuesday afternoon! Brady will be doing some diagnosing and hopefully some work on Cher’s car that day, as well as using his spare time to either finish up his restaurant order, practicing guitar, and/or working on some inventory he’s been putting together! Have you followed his Insta yet? @icantstand.woodworking

Wednesday. I have to remember to send Dekker his stuff for curling. Or is it skating? Goodness. I think its curling. He usually remembers, but it helps everyone if I remember! Brady has a blood appointment in the morning, and we’ll need to organize ourselves and run any other errands we may have to do that day. Oh man, I have to remember to find a birthday gift for the party Solly is going to on the weekend. I also hope very much to make Thursdays supper this day so there is just one less thing to worry about on Thursday. Because…

Thursday is gig day!! We’re opening the day with a morning band practice! Wait. No. First I have to remember to send Dekker his stuff for skating. Or curling. Ugh. Who even knows? Hopefully Dekker does. Oh and the kids have a dress up day that day! Shoot! I have it written down as Solly’s dress up day, but I wonder if its all the kids… I have no idea. Whatever. But then we’ll have a band practice for a couple of hours. This is our last ditch effort to get it all put together! With stuff having changed, we need to figure out who sits where and on what and how we’ll all be most comfortable. I’m excited!! Tom and Rae will come right around supper and we’ll all eat before we run! We’ll aim to get to Clearcut a little early to get things set up and organized. Its been a while, and our setup will be different. I say again, who’s coming?? Who wants to watch me stumble my way through my usual part plus a kick drum? 🙋🏼‍♀️

Friday. We wind down on Friday. Wind down from the music stuff, that is. But its the wind up forrrrrr… chemo. 👎 Lol! Well, first, we send Laela….. skates. I think. And send Solly in general! He goes to school some Fridays, and I’m pretty sure this is one of them. Brady has a phone appointment with his systemic oncologist in the morning, and then thank goodness the pharmacy at the cancer centre finally releases Brady’s meds to someone besides himself. So that saves a whole trip into Saskatoon! He can’t get his meds until he’s had his appointment, and they keep booking that stuff on the same day! But it works out 🙂 So he’ll receive his chemo meds Friday afternoon, and cycle ELEVEN starts Friday evening!!! I feel oddly optimistic about this cycle. It feels less daunting. I guess it pays to be busy and not dread it the same way. Guys. Cycle ELEVEN. It means we’re finally coming to the end!!!! I could cry. Somewhere on this day, Brady needs to deliver his order to the restaurant, also. So, Friday is a deadline.

Saturday ends the week with Solly at a birthday party. Beyond that, we need to stay on top of our usual things. Brady will pick up where he left off on the inventory items, and I will continue working on my commissioned tartan order. Hopefully we’re both very close to done our projects by this point!

Or, we could just sleep through this week…

Nah. Too much good 💜💜💜

Our Solomon was given the rare opportunity to go for a full day date with grandma Rae yesterday! She made intentional plans, and took him out for the day.

They hit up the Western Development Museum, the mall, the dollar store, and they grabbed some lunch and treats along the way.

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There was no shortage of stuff to do together, and he didn’t appear homesick at all!

Towards the end of the day, Solly sparked an idea, and asked Rae if five year olds could have sleepovers. Rae asked if he wanted that, and his reply was that he should probably ask his parents first 😆 Good call, dude.

So, he did! And we accepted! He came back home to gather up his blanket, toothbrush, and fresh clothes, and on he went! He did NOT hesitate, and that speaks VOLUMES to how much he has changed and developed this year! I am SO impressed!

He did well through the night, and was happy in the morning 💜 His night away was a great success!!

I am SO happy that Solomon has grown and was confident enough to spend a night away, without a sibling!

I am SO grateful for our incredible neighbours who love our children and accept them as family, no matter what.

We are so fortunate in so many ways. We are rich in love. Praise the Lord.

So yesterday’s finished friday was pretty cool! You were all SO encouraging about the blanket I made, and it sold a couple of hours after I posted the blog 💜 So that was a real confidence boost. I appreciate you all in this little venture.

This morning was spent practicing music, becauuuuuse we have a gig coming up!!! Brady, Carrie and I have done very little music together over the last two years, except for a couple of super short Christmas sets. And each time we get together for music, I just ache for how it used to be, doing a gig every month or two, and giving ourselves real time to enjoy ourselves. I have real hope that we can get back there.

We have done the bulk of the legwork now, and just need to polish a handful of the songs. But the time is closer and closer, and I feel less concerned about things being perfect and much more inclined to just have a blast with each other and whoever joins us!

So. The details. Clearcut Coffeehouse in Martensville. Super easy to find. Really cute. REALLY good food and drinks. The day is this Thursday, the 17th, and we start around 6pm. Place closes at 8pm, and we usually play until it does. If you don’t have wild plans for St Pats, you should definitely come join us!

Two years ago, almost to the day. Our last gig, right before the world shut down. It was SUCH a fun show!

A lot has changed since then, but the important stuff remains strong 💜

We can’t wait to do this again with you, friends 💜 I hope we see you there!