Cher and I closed off February – a very heavy month – with an outing to some happy places for happy errands, and just some general perusing.

We hit Dollarama for some summer stuff, as well as a craft thing or two that I was really needing to finish a project.

We hit Cabelas, just to listen to the waterfall, look at the outdoorsy stuff, and feel like we were at the lake. It was really really relaxing.

We hit Walmart for yarn, as we do.

We hit Michaels for rivets.

On the way to our next house, we saw our bus!!! Hahahaha! Have you seen our bus?

You have now! It was a good giggle.

Then we hit up *gasp* a greenhouse!!! That actually had PLANTS! OUTSIDE!!!

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It was SO refreshing and light walking around the plants, seeing summery things. It was bizarre being in a green house in a parka, but I wasn’t put off AT ALL. Just walking through there felt restful and healing somehow.

We hit up Lawson Mall shortly thereafter for some food court asian, which is pretty much always delicious! I don’t know what it is about it, but it rarely ever disappoints. Naturally, on the way there, we found our faces again 😆

Its pretty funny, I’ve gotta say. The Telemiracle people definitely told us we’d see our faces somewhere or other. They said posters or pamphlets. We did NOT expect to be the face of Telemiracle here in Saskatoon. Its so crazy!

Cher and I grabbed some gas, filled up with coffee, and headed on home. It was a REALLY nice way to break up the day for both of us 💜 Definitely a nice break from home, and it didn’t hurt that the weather was nice today, too!

Now, we’re both back at our respective homes. She has school to do. I have a couple of things to try and work out. I am literal moments away from getting these baskets out the door. I hope I can tell you all about this order really soon. I know there’s been a holdup. It will not always take quite this long to get things out the door. I hope its worth the wait. We’ll know soon!

Have a happy Monday, friends.

I woke up to a gross face. You know what I mean. When there are colds in your house, and you’re already hyper aware about getting sick, and then the weather changes and your mouth is so gross and smutchy and dehydrated and gross some more? I know, I’m really selling it. Well. We’re there. 

As I lay here at 5am, my mind is wandering. 

I wonder if we’ll be given next steps when bradys chemo is over. 

I wonder when we last traded the sheets out on our bed. They are so wrinkled underneath my body. 

I wonder if my most recent, very off putting dream will come true. I really hope not. Though I hope I have as many kids as I saw in my dream.

I’m continually drinking water from the Bethany cup that lives beside my bed. No dice. Still smutchy. 

This is the absolute only time I ever notice the smoke alarm in our bedroom lightly blinks. Huh. 

Brady is sleeping peacefully. I know he’ll tell me I should’ve woken him so I wouldn’t be awake alone, but he’s had enough choppy night recently, so I will be more than fine. 

I’m working hard to keep my brain at bay. I know I’m not supposed to use my phone when I’m trying to sleep but it’s been over an hour now and I choose distracted wakeful time over anxious idle time. 

I’d rather sleep. I would always rather sleep…

Presents are sometimes funny with kids. At least with my kids. They’re pretty possessive at first, and do NOT want to share. Which, really, I can totally understand. When you first pull out a brand new thing and three people sidle up to you, begging to play, demanding a turn, that really sucks. So we have a pretty solid rule that states the kids do not have to share their new stuff for the first day or two. And then we get into turns and whatnot.

For Rowan’s birthday, he got some great stuff. And lo and behold, he hasn’t been afraid to share this time around! In my opinion, this shows some real maturity!

Yesterday, Rowan pulled out his new puzzle and asked that Laela come build it with him. It is definitely within his grasp to build on his own, but he knows Laela loves Dog Man, too. So they shared. And it was awesome.

Rowan also built his new lego set the other day. Its his first, real, grown up lego set. His set can be disassembled and built into a second thing. He had started it the other day, but hadn’t had the time to finish it. This morning, while he and Dekker did the breakfast dishes, Solly brought his new set upstairs and started to pick at it a little.

It was clear that Ro felt a little nervous, but in such a sweet voice, he assured Solly that he would LOVE to build it with him after he was done dishes. He reassured him “I will help you read the instructions, Solly. We can do it together.” It was a really incredible thing to overhear rather than “But its MIIIIIINE!”

When Rowan and Dekker had finished the dishes, Ro went to join Solly with the lego, and saw that Solly had kind of built onto the project wherever he felt so inclined. Rowan kind of sighed, but he rallied easily and figured it was ok. Brady reminded him that lego can always come apart. And he took that and ran with it!

And guys. It worked!

This seems small, but it isn’t. These sibling wins bring such relief to my heart. The kids sharing is a win. The kids playing side by side without grumbling is a win. Solly opening his brain up a bit more and learning how to build with instructions is a win. A sibling teaching him is a win.

So. Many. Wins.

Today feels like a good day for the kids 💜

Well, friends, we did it. We have hit double digits in chemotherapy cycles! Round TEN completed earlier this week. It was, however, overshadowed by Rowan’s birthday stuff, as it should have been. But we’re here to talk about it now!

Chemo is getting rougher. Its noticeably harder on Brady. It makes complete sense. The most of these pills he puts in his body, the sicker its going to get, right? It makes total sense. But it sucks. I’ll explain.

To throw in a super quick recap, Brady takes pills called Temozolomide, or Temodar, depending on the brand, I suppose. They’re the same. His chemo cycle is best (not disrespectfully) described as a menstrual cycle. His cycle is 28 days long, and he takes his chemo for the first five days. He takes his dose of pills in the evening. First, he takes an anti-nauseant (ondansetron) about a half hour before he aims to go to sleep, and then once that’s set in for those thirty minutes, he takes his temozolomide. The dose is dependant on the weight of the patient. He does that for five nights, and then waits out the remaining 23 days. Then onto the next cycle.

The last couple of cycles have been worsening. This last one was particularly hard. He took his first dose on the first evening, and was noticeably draggy in the morning. He has napped twice in the last few days since coming off chemo. He never naps anymore, so this speaks volumes. I know we both hope this part is over soon. He’s not sleeping very well at night, and he does not enjoy needing a nap.

I think chemo also is feeling harder and harder because we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes that just makes it worse somehow. We just want it all to be over. Yet, I was asked just yesterday whats next. And we don’t know! We know he will have a cycle in March and April, and he will have another MRI in June-ish. So maybe after this, we just get to breathe? But we don’t know. So its hard to even think that way.

Brady has not had too many ill effects from his chemotherapy, but whether you have noticed or not, Brady has been losing hair 💔

It hasn’t all fallen out like happens to SO MANY, but it has thinned greatly.

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Chemo tried to take something away from Brady, but little did chemo know that Brady was itching to get a good short fresh look. So instead of chemo taking his hair away, Brady took back short hair. 💜

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Look at them clean lines! 😍

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He is SUCH a happy man!! 💜 He got his hair cut and washed, and even got his beard done. He feels fresh and crispy, and he looks it.

I keep typing “Suck on this, chemo.” And I do feel that way! I refuse to give chemo anything it doesn’t deserve!

Yet, I also want to make it known that I am grateful for chemotherapy. There is a place for it, and facing cancer in his early thirties, I am incredibly grateful there is treatment.

So. Yay chemo. But also, the countdown is on.

Two 👏 more 👏 cycles 👏

The March cycle lies right after our first gig back at Clearcut!! My goodness, we cannot wait to sing together again!! Who wants to come???

The April cycle is oddly marked by the one year mark of Brady coming home 💜 Its funny how trauma carries SO MANY anniversaries. But it does. That will be a crazy time in the brain and heart. That day will come, and the very next day, Brady will start his LAST chemo cycle.

Lord protect us. You have yet to leave us, and we know you never ever will. Keep us strong in YOU. We prayerfully ask for GLORY STRENGTH – the strength that comes directly from You and not our own bodies or even our people. Flesh fails, but You do not.

Praise God for continued healing!! 💜

Yesterday I told you about how Rowan has progressed and grown over the last year. Today I’m going to tell you how he spent his day! I can honestly say he had SUCH a happy day!

In the morning, my mom came and made cinnamon buns with him. I showed you that yesterday 💜 He loved it. His idea.

We spent the morning all together, all nine of us, as it should be. Then at Rowan’s request, he and grandma took off to her house. They had lunch together, and then read books seemingly ALL afternoon. They also made his traditional birthday cake – a candy pizza! Once it was all ready, they came back to join the fam.

Dekker had been invited out for the afternoon, but the party continued! Rowan opened presents, and had SUCH a good time!! He got some candy, a really elaborate fidget toy, lego, a book about robots, a Dog Man puzzle, a hoodie, a stuffed carrot, a mining kit, and some thought out cards. Cher even hung balloons and streamers for him. He LOVED all of his gifts this year.

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Dekker arrived home just in time for supper. Thank goodness Rowan spilled the beans to grandma that he was expecting Pizza Hut! 😳 So we ordered that! Thankfully, the $5 deal is on again! Heyooo!! So we ordered three smoky maple bacon pizzas, and one half and half pepperoni and cheese. If you haven’t had the bacon kind, you should. Its the absolute BEST. White sauce. It does have mushrooms but Brady is anti-mushroom and still chooses it every time! Its THAT good.

After pizza came the other pizza! When we all started singing, he popped out of his chair and hugged me 💜 The entire song, he held me in a hug. Which is really an honour after all the bumps we’ve taken together. It did my heart good.

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For the first time ever, the candy pizza was completely GONE. No leftovers. Which was both impressive and disappointing.

Post supper, with Dekker back, we all opened a present from grandma. Everyone got some little candies in a cute tin and a water gun, to get everyone ready for THE LAKE! Goodness we are all positively chomping at the bit to get there! Aaaaany minute now!! 🤞

I know that Rowan enjoyed his sixth birthday, too.

But I can’t say that I did. Not at all. It was a brutal time.

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I can hardly look at these pictures without choking up. Oh, hey, most difficult time of my life 👋 Close the door on your way out….

This birthday far surpassed the last one.

Times are still not easy, but they are worlds apart better than they were. Thank you, Lord 💜 For our Rowan, and for our family. Being together is the BEST.

The BIGGEST year of our life began right around Rowan’s sixth birthday. Here we are now, a year later, a completely different family! I can vouch also for Rowan, that he is a completely different boy!

I know those of you out there who don’t like my kids shaggy hair are just cringing 😆 You’re going to make it, I promise! You’re not wrong, though. He had a haircut right before his birthday last year aaaaand hasn’t had one since. Its on the list. He’ll get one soon.

Rowan is in grade one, but as a new SEVEN year old, he is one of the oldest kids in his class! He has had some struggly times at school, where they have opened the door up for some counsel, and he learning better about what goes on inside of his body when he gets so angry. I am proud and relieved to say that Rowan is doing so so sooo much better than he was a year ago! He is obedient and calm. He often responds with a respectful, chipper “Yes mom!” even when I’m impatient or snippy. On the occasion where it doesn’t go so smoothly, it is all handled much quicker, and he is always so remorseful.

As of yesterday, we received his blood results, and he is CLEAR for everything!! Praise God!

Some things about Rowan have stayed the same absolutely forever. He still LOVES soft comfort. The blanket I made for him this Christmas is still with him every night, which I did not expect. He always tells me that hugging it feels like a hug from me. He figures ALL my love for him is in the blanket.

Rowan is soft and clear and affectionate to those he loves. He LOVES helping, and LOVES being responsible. He loves when he can meet a need. He loves celebrating and encouraging. He is strong and brave and passionate! I am LOVING who he is becoming!

His birthday breakfast of choice is his grandma’s cinnamon rolls, so thats the name of the game!

I am incredibly proud of you, Rowan Toby.

Keep doing what you’re doing, sweet sir 💜 Press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called you heavenward in Jesus Christ!

Seven year ago, you were born. My most peaceful birth experience of my life. You brought much healing to my heart, sweet Rowan! I am SO happy you were born, and I am SO happy you’re part of our family!

Yesterday I was digging back through our old photos in search of something specific, and as tends to happen, I found my way down a rabbit hole of memories. I happened upon a few things I had intentionally saved, and forgot about entirely. So I figured I’d share them anyway, even though its late in the game.

I had very freshly joined the one and ONLY support group for people in my incredibly specific boat – wives and girlfriends of men with spinal cord injuries. I know. It sounds almost too specific. VERY niche. But there are more of us on that group than you’d think. I am eternally grateful to Brady’s physio, Kari, who told me about it 💜 In the first couple of days, someone shared this, and it still gets me right in the gut.

I’m late to post it, but it still rings so true. We had NO idea how much change we were facing. Thank goodness God did! Whew! I remember saving this post, and having some silent fears about how things would actually look in a year. Never had I been so afraid. So weak. SO out of my depth. I felt like a shell.

I remember my frustration. Many well meaning people tried to encourage me, telling me I was strong and resilient and capable, and my unwell heart and spirit was just angry. No one CHOOSES to be those things. We HAVE to be. Its circumstances that come out of deep trauma and hardship. I promise, I did hear the heart behind those words, and I’m a lot healthier now 💜 But it was hard in the moment. I just wanted to scream. I didn’t CHOOSE to be resilient!!

Thankfully, I had my faith to rely on. I know not everyone who follows me believes in God, and I hope very much that we can respect one another 💜 But I could NOT have survived this year without faith in Christ.

Much of the struggle lifted when Brady came home 💜

Everything was better. Not all better, but MUCH. We still had a full year of cancer treatment ahead of us, but at least we were together 💜

We continue to move forward, as inelegantly as possible. I feel like we race, and then crash out, and then get ahead, and then fall behind again. Its bumpy and messy and not at all glamorous, but we have one another, and we have God. That cord of three strands tho. That sucker is SOLID.

On the tail end of seeing these things in our past photos, I came upon this just yesterday and it feels pertinent.

Things that seem completely impossible are NOT impossible. As a believer in Christ, I DO believe that God gives us things we can’t handle on our own. But with Him, we will absolutely continue to move forward, however that looks.

Doesn’t everyone want to be Wavy?

To sleep in, and eat breakfast mid-morning.

To wear both a sundress and insulated winter leggings.

To get a cookie every time you pee.

To fall asleep on the couch before lunch.

For everyone around you to be proud of you for just about every move you make.

Wavy gets it. She’s got a good thing going on here. I’m jealous of her. That simplicity looks GOOD right now.

I hope you all find a moment of peace and rest today, however that looks, whenever it suits. It might not be the perfect thing at the perfect time, but take what you can and enjoy it 💜

Today we experienced yet another first in our home. After a long needed doctors appointment a while back, we made a plan to test some blood and ask for answers. Today was that day. Requisitions in hand, we nervously brought our Rowan in to get blood taken.

But first, emla cream! More people should know about this stuff.

Emla cream is a topical freezing cream. Its expensive, and its behind the counter, though not a prescription. We put a thick dollop of cream in each elbow pit and put the special clear bandage overtop. Dr. Guselle advised me that I had to use that bandage. A regular bandage would absorb all the cream, and wrapping him in saran wrap would just move it all around. It HAD to be this way. Felt high stakes, hahaha!

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We told Rowan what was happening all along the way so he’d feel well informed. He was very understanding, and very brave. He seemed to have a good handle on the fact that it might hurt, it might be uncomfortable, but that sometimes we have to go through stuff, and that he would be ok. He wasn’t afraid.

When we got to the clinic, I checked Rowan in, and we sat to wait. It was surprisingly busy. There was one poor kid waiting in a cubicle, and I’ve got to say, I felt for them in there. He hadn’t even been seen yet, and he was positively beside himself, crying, screaming, in complete panic. When he did finally have his turn, it took multiple people to get the job done. He screamed the whole time. That poor, traumatized little guy 💔 We talked quietly with Rowan, making sure he wasn’t even more afraid now, but he wasn’t. He was more concerned that someone would take that little boy out for a treat or something after. He was not afraid.

We decided to just not even ask, and Brady and I both went into the cubicle with Ro. Brady wheeled past the patient chair, tucked off to the side, and I sat Rowan on my lap.

Two staff members came in to meet Rowan, and to help make sure things would be smooth. We talked in that moment about holding very still, which he said he understood. He was very cooperative. As soon as it started, he looked away. He held Brady’s hand, and I was asked to wrap an arm around his chest, over his arms. One staff member held his arm still, and the other began cleaning the spot on his arm. Good veins ✅

Aaaaand we were going. No flinch. No issue. Nothing. The whole group of us praised him up constantly, about how he was doing better than we even would. He loved that. Three whole vials of blood. When it was done, they warned him there would be a little click, which there was, and then the cotton ball was pressed in place, and I held it. Done and done!

Rowan was ALL smiles! He had NO issues, which was a HUGE victory!

As soon as he put his hoodie on, the cotton came off. He giggled, and we threw it away. It was just so easy. What a HUGE win!

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We took the boy out for some well-deserved lunch and treats. We hit the food court, and let him choose. Which is how we ended up with pizza, fries, and smoothies.

He and Brady got pizza, I got a big thing of New York Fries and cheese for everyone to share with me, and we each got a little booster juice, I think only because he was curious.

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Someone even came and offered to take a picture of us 🙂 It was nice.

I am SO immensely proud of Rowan. He was incredibly brave, pain or not. Sometimes the fear of the unknown can really overtake a person, and Rowan was completely strong in spite of the nerves of the unknown. Thank you Lord for covering him this way!

This kid is almost seven. I can’t believe it. He is SO grown up.

It was a year ago that Brady was transferred from the neuro ward at RUH to the rehab ward at City Hospital. That first stretch might’ve been the hardest part of this whole thing, honestly. I mean, there were a couple of other things, but this easily made the list.

That neuro ward was deeply difficult. Not to the fault of anyone, but that ward was HARD. Brady was in a room with three other patients. In the eight days he stayed in that ward, he had fifteen different roommates. Watching everyone else come and go while Brady stayed, flat on his back, in the worst shape of everyone, was really really difficult.

Then, one day, two men from City Hospital rehab came up to Brady’s bed, and talked about moving him over into their care. They said they normally wouldn’t even consider taking someone who still didn’t have final pathology back, but that his surgeon was really pushing for Brady to enter their program as soon as possible. One of the men from City ran a few basic strength tests on Brady’s legs. He had some, but not a lot. I remember feeling afraid when they just moved his legs around the way they did. They weren’t rough or rude, but they were motivated and confident. They told him they would take him, and that a bed was opening up the next day. It was all very fast.

Transfer day I don’t even care to relive. It was absolutely horrible. Nothing was scheduled, or organized, and with the ward being SO busy, there was simply no way to get through on the phone. Not to the fault of anyone, don’t get me wrong. Those nurses were RUNNING. All. Day. Long. But I could just never ever know. I barely made it to the hospital and Brady was already almost in the transfer bus. I caught him for a hug and a kiss, and then I bawled. That was all I saw of him that day.

I remember the struggle within. I was SO happy he was moving to a better ward. So was he! We KNEW quality of life would improve. Yet, it was only days before that we had learned the severity of Brady’s spinal cord injury, and we were both still processing the idea of him not coming home. He was just shipped off to another hospital, just as I was becoming familiar enough with RUH that I didn’t feel afraid to go visit him each day. He didn’t even have a winter jacket with him, in the dead of winter. He was just shuttled out to a van in a hoodie and paper pants.

This switch was HARD.

Yet, I don’t have to tell you how much better rehab was than neuro. He had a beautiful big room to himself, with a big window overlooking the river and Kinsmen Park. In neuro, while he could feel the urge to pee, they opted to keep him on a catheter, just for ease. As soon as he got to rehab, they got rid of all of that and he could be more independent. Hear me – I have NO bad feelings about the people who worked on the neuro ward. They are stretched thin there. Not to mention, ALL the private rooms in the neuro ward were taken by active covid patients. So it was a stressful time in a stressful place. Rehab was a breath of fresh air. Everyone there was working towards something better. There was no shortage of encouragement and warmth from the staff and most of the other patients. In my opinion, the people working on the City Hospital 7th floor are some of the best there are.

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To look back at us now, we were SO in the dark about SO many things. It was a frightfully difficult time that I wouldn’t care to relive. Yet, if we ever have to do it again, we know more now and I think it could be better.

I anticipate finding out what God has planned for all the knowledge and experience we have now.