The day wrapped up hard yesterday. I won’t get into it. But I was a wreck. Since my meds have been sorted out, I’ve been so much clearer and level, but goodness yesterday just pushed me over the edge. I struggled and failed and did not come out on top. I still felt it this morning, but the show still had to go on! Now that I am tucked in upstairs for a rest, I am able to see clearly that there were some successes along the way. Some. Definitely not all. But it counts.

Yesterday in the midst of struggle, my kids all ate their supper without complaining. I was on my own with them, and felt completely gutless. I opted to make scrambled eggs, but rather than just doing toast and eggs, which is perfectly acceptable and happens a lot here, I fried up some leftover peppers to go into the eggs, as well as adding leftover bacon and shredded cheese. My kids don’t care for things all mixed together, but clearly I felt strong enough to take that risk, and it went over well. I know some people believe that children can’t understand gratefulness until they’re older, but when my three year old gets my attention and says “Mommy, I love this meal! Thank you for making this!” I will beg to differ. It was a total win.

Last night I also whipped up some Christmas treats. I originally counted this as a bit of a fail because it wasn’t a complicated treat and they didn’t turn out perfectly. But I can see now that the fact that I even tried counts for something. And they don’t look great, but they’re yummy! So its a win!

Once everyone was down for the night, I remembered to take my medication at the right time, and crocheted an entire toque before going to bed! Win win!

This morning I had the tiniest bit of heartburn brewing within me, but I didn’t panic, and I ate some toast, and it simmered down to nothing. A HUGE win!! Also, it was a good healthy reminder of why I’m still on heartburn medication. Sometimes I get ballsy and think about kicking off of it fast, cold turkey, and its usually right as that idea starts bubbling up that the acid does, too. God knows. I hear You. Currently, that heartburn med is a win, and I’m grateful for it.

Cher came with me this morning to get some snacks from Coop to carry us through the Christmas munchies. I felt scattered and wished I had been more organized. Yet, we got everything we came for! Win!

On top of ALL of these things that felt like flops in the moment, I can say with confidence that there is love and security in my life, with all of our people and all of our relationships. THAT is the biggest win of these bumpy weird days. My failures were really just bumps. I am abounding with gratefulness for the loving people we are blessed to have in our lives.

The season is upon us, and the all the cute things that come with Christmas holidays are upon us! Games and colouring are out in full force! This is the tidiest you’ll see our home for the rest of the calendar year, and lets be real, also January.

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Thank you to Cher and Rae for the activities pictured here 💜

So I’m going to be honest here. You’ve probably noticed this is the absolute latest we’ve put Christmas decorations up, and thats my fault. There is deep grief surrounding me this season, and I could barely wrap my head around putting up things that would take energy I didn’t have, only to have to take the blinking things down so soon after! Feels like a make-work project for me. But alas, the kids ache for normalcy, so we pull it together.

I only cried a couple of times, so thats better than I thought!! 😆💪

I don’t have lots and lots to say about yesterday, as it was such a significant stretch for me, but please enjoy the pictures taken by Brady and Cher 💜

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The boys in the plaid jammies only made the place look more Pinteresty 😍

My mom purchased very special blown glass hand painted ornaments for each child as they celebrated their first Christmas. So our one tradition with decorating the tree is having each child hang their own precious ornament.

It all turned out to be a great success.

Roles may have shifted hard this year, but there is still unity and deep love.

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Thank you, God, for bringing us through this day, and keeping us all peaceful and restful, knowing You are praised outside of all the decorations or traditions.

One of the biggest tasks I have found with having lots of kids is switching out their clothes when they size up. Our kids survive off of hand-me-downs, so clothes are kept all down the line for the next little one to need them. So as you can imagine, we have tubs on tubs on tubs of kids clothes. WAY more than we need. Its one of the biggest things I want to downsize in the near future. Not to pitch everything, but the things I just don’t reach for. Why fill their closet with clothes they’ll never wear? I don’t want to. So one day when I have nothing else to do (so absolutely not even ever once for the rest of my life forever) I’ll sort and purge and feel sooooo much better.

This is a job I put off as long as I can. The three younger kids have been in ill-fitting clothing for so long already, so today as laundry was going, Brady took all the stuff that normally went to Rowan’s closet and decided to put it into Solly’s. Which made total sense and was the right move.

Except then Rowan had next to nothing to wear.

So I ventured under the stairs into the abyss where all the tubs are held. I dug out the 4T and 6T tubs, so I could put Solly’s 4T stuff away and give Rowan some clothes that fit. It was a pretty arduous task but it happened. Solly really enjoyed getting to put all the “keepers” in his closet. “Any more keepers?” after every item. It was cute. He was super happy. Rowan helped hang up all of his new stuff too, and was grateful. Tubs went back downstairs. It was good. Done.

At that point, I figured I was already elbow deep, I may as well catch up Waverly, too. She still had lots of 18-24 month stuff in her closet, and she is wearing 3T now. Of course, I had gone down into the tub months ago and grabbed a handful of items to get us through, but I didn’t go through it all. Should have. But yesterday was the day.

I hauled up the tub of Laela’s 3T clothes, and started pulling stuff out that Wavy would wear, separating out what I knew we wouldn’t use, and pulling old small stuff out of her closet. I had most things out of the tub, but I was leaving behind some summer stuff. Dresses, swimsuits, tank tops and such. As I was digging through those last few items to make sure I hadn’t missed anything, I saw a tshirt sleeve. I grabbed it and pulled it out.

Barf.

Right. That is why I hate switching out their clothes.

Because every time I put away clothes for Solly or Wavy, I feel like a fool, holding onto things that have no purpose. Things that only hurt me to still possess. Things that gather dust and smell like storage. Things that could be serving others but rather, they just sit and stare at me. Just because of maybes. Just because of thin lines of possibility.

Why should I save all of these stupid clothes when there is no one to wear them?? And when there may very well never be someone else to wear them?! Not knowing is miserable, and I am really feeling that today.

So naturally, I put it on the internet 😒

Thank you to those of you who don’t tire of my grief. Its not budging.

When you hear “Christmas list” you probably think of a list of things a kid wants, right? Well, I know many of can see my side of it where my Christmas list is actually a long drawn out list of things that need to get done before the festive season really kicks into high gear.

To be clear, our “high gear” is sooooo lame this year, and thats on purpose. We regularly hang out in first gear over here. As first as possible. And I guess we’re shifting into second for this season, but really, no one is pinning it anywhere this season. Brady has chemo over Christmas :/ and while I’m doing much better on my meds, extra is still too much. So we’re taking it SO easy. I can safely say we’re kicking it into slightly higher low gear. Clear as mud? I thought so.

So. The list. Be gentle, because its a liiiiittle bit sad 😬 So many of you have offered to rescue me, so please know I’m still SO fine here. Things will get done 💜

We still need to put up Christmas. Like… any Christmas. We have zero decor up. In years past, we were the douchebags who lit their tree up on Halloween. But it will get done. The tree itself, as well as the trees above our cabinets. Very very soon.

I have some teacher gifts that I didn’t send to school, because I hadn’t written cards up yet. So I have two to write up still, and then I can deliver here in town. Saved locals for last, I guess.

Someone cooked for us ages ago and I still have their pot. I have to deliver that asap. She might need it over Christmas!

Laundry. Laundry has been rolling all day. I figured if I wash everything we own right at the beginning, I can neglect laundry for the rest of the season 😆 Right?? I put everyone’s socks and underwear into a hamper and it was FULL. Yikes.

My bedroom is on the list. It doesn’t have to be tidy for any real reason, but I want to be able to let down in it, and its hard when its such a mess. But there are crochet projects I’m still trying to pump out and that is the bulk of the mess. So those two things will go hand in hand, since finishing crocheted gifts is also on my list.

My en suite is a wreck. Thats a need.

Brady and I have to get our gifts for the homemade gift exchange out the door and to their rightful owners this weekend.

Brady has a woodworking order to wrap up before Christmas.

I have a mountain of gifts to wrap! Which I actually really love, but currently have zero space to do it because everything is in the state of moving messes right now.

There is still baking, prepping, and organizing I’d like to do, but this is the current running list.

I’ve crossed a couple of things off the list so far. Dekker cleaning up some tape and string he had hanging around to use for decor that he ended up abandoning. I posted on the Homemade Gift Exchange page. I tidied off the island, with Brady’s help. Now he’s at my moms helping her tie up a couple of loose ends, and believe it or not, I’m getting the blog up! Lol!

Whats left on your list?

We’re there, folks. The 2021 part of the school year is coming to a close, and the kiddos will be home with us for two weeks! I have hope for rest and relaxation, along with the few plans we do have that I am very much looking forward to. I’m working hard to do what I can to feel under control and not completely overwhelmed. And we’re getting there 🙂 I think. I hope. We’re definitely trying, at least!

This morning, Cher came early to curl Laela’s hair for school. For the last day of school! Laela was so excited, and ate her breakfast much faster than usual in order to guarantee her time to get her hair done.

Because who doesn’t want to look fly on jammie day?!

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🥺Oof. My heart though. If you ever wanted a glimpse into Laela as a teenager, or an adult, here you have it 💜

She felt beautiful, as she should have. There is no denying that Laela is an incredible girl with overflowing beauty in her heart, but she felt so fancy and special this morning, and it was really good to see. Thank you, Cher, for doing her hair and making her feel like a star.

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Ready for Rowan? 😆

This was pretty funny, hahaha! Blurry but worth it!

As I type this, I’m confident all three of the school kids today are wrapping up their parties, movies, snacks, and whatever other shenanigans they got into today. They will be home before we know it!

Sooooo I guess I’d better hide the presents that are out before they’re back!

Cher here!

The title is a reference from Parks and Recreation. Specifically, a Christmas episode if you were unsure. The other day, Hailey and I kicked off the holidays with a little Christmas movie night and appys while Brady was at Wing night. It was so cute and so much fun. Brady had even picked up candies for us to enjoy like the awesome guy that he is.

Fast forward to today, and Hailey and I were able to squeeze in a good Christmas shop. We weren’t sure if it was going to happen, because of the rather difficult year, but all our ducks landed in a row, and it worked!

The day began a bit difficult as my moms car is in the shop, the truck wouldn’t start, and so I offered my car to my mom to take to work. Following that, Hailey lovingly offered to take us in her vehicle. 

We got Tim’s breakfast and started our journey of shopping. It was so much fun and our problem solving skills for Christmas mishaps were pretty good. Hailey forgot her gift cards and we were able to still use them with pictures Brady sent!

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We galloped through the mall and some stores. Chinese food for lunch. Then Starbucks, a drop off, Walmart and Dollarama! Then Martensville for two last stops. It was a FULL day but a productive day! 

Hailey, I am SO proud of you. You did today so gracefully. I know it’s been a heavy year and your levels aren’t where you’d like them to be yet, but you always put your best foot forward when stuff needs doing and you give it your all. You’re an amazing best friend, but even more importantly, an amazing person. I enjoyed our lovely chats, giggles, sundog photo taking, and your amazing attitude about your wrong coffee. Rest away, sweet girl! 

Brady up to bat! 

So Hailey encouraged me to tell you all about my most recent experience with the fine people at The Maker Community Project. 

The other night they were announcing the winner of a contest they ran to raise money buy giving away a CNC to a very lucky recipient on Instagram. 

They had done gone Live on Instagram on a previous occasion to announce the winner of a previous contest and had asked me to come watch and pay attention which I was happy to do. They announced they were going to go live again to announce the winner of the CNC. 

So again I was watching their Instagram Live stream. Pretty quickly they started hinting that they wanted me in the live stream and the invitation popped up on my phone. I was very excited and accepted quickly. 

Now it’s not like I was live in front of a large number of people, there was only 100 or so people watching, but it still felt like an honour to be invited. 

I briefly spoke about how I became paraplegic and how I’m making an effort to become a woodworker. They took a moment to rib me about my beard pencil schtick. (I stick a pencil in my beard when I take pictures and videos for Instagram). And then I was just a part of the group when the winner was announced. Over 30,000 entries had be made in the form of merchandise purchases as well as straight up donations. They announced that over $16,000 had be raised in just 2 months! Crazy! 

It was a very exciting moment! We cheered and clapped and pretty shortly they asked me to leave the live stream so that they could ask the winner to join. Which is totally understandable and I gladly ended my feed so the winner could join. It was an excellent experience to be a part of. 

Shortly thereafter they ended the live stream entirely and my 15 minutes of fame were over. 

But I really enjoyed it! I’m hoping to be able to join them again in the future. 

To quote Solomon, ‘So that’s my map.’

Goodnight. 

Cher Here!

There are still many things Dekker does that continues to melt my heart. Sometimes he will put little notes under my door when I stay over to study for exams. One thing Dekker really loves to do is scare me. So some of his notes literally say “BOO!” It’s no secret at the Born house that anything can scare me. And yes, Dekker.. When I looked over and saw a piece of paper under my door, I thought it was moving so I jumped! No word of a lie! 

For the past couple years I have made colouring books for the kids and asked that when they’re done colouring the pages that they write their name on it and slip it back into the sleeve so I can have a little portfolio for them. I have a Christmas binder and a regular binder that I try to stay on top of. 

I brought them both home to restock them, and out of Laela’s pocket that had the math problems to solve as the key for the colour codes, out popped a little note from Dekker, telling her she is smart. It was SO cute. Dekker is SUCH an encouragement, and I think that’s where Waverly gets it from. ALL the kids are lovely and give compliments, but Waverly really goes out of her way to appreciate people and single them out the way Dekker does.

I really love you Dekker! I still have many notes from you and they make my heart happy! You are SUCH an easy kid to love!

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Brady had his seventh MRI last night. Do you remember when he couldn’t get one?!?! It seems that cancer of the spine is seen as a solid enough reason to have regular scans, and while we are not naive to the risks that come alongside regular radiation, I am overwhelmed with gratefulness to have a serious medical team who wants to watch Brady for the rest of his life.

While Brady was living in the rehab ward at City Hospital, we met another patient there who also was paralyzed thanks to a tumour in her spine. However, this was her second go round. She had one years ago, and had recovered so well that they stopped monitoring her. By the time they discovered regrowth, removal was much harder, and her previously incomplete injury was completed. This means that she has no nerve communication left from her spine down below her height of injury. No movement, no sensation, nada. Because her medical team stopped watching her. So please hear me. I am SO happy that Brady will be scanned regularly. Heck, its amazing he’s not glowing after so many of these suckers!

Maybe you saw our stories on Instagram, and maybe not. I was really struggling with apprehension. One of the MRI machines at RUH had broken, so his day and time were bumped up a bit, but he had to go to the hospital we are the least familiar with, in the heart of the ghetto, in the dead of night. So that was unsettling. But we got there! Of course, we got to the front doors FOUR MINUTES after they were closed for the night 🙄 So we got him back into the van and went to emergency, where he was admitted. But he had to wait in the emergency room! And they had insisted he arrive 45 minutes early! This is not an especially safe place to be as it is, and hanging out in the ER is pretty sketchy and vulnerable. But he was safe, and I drove out of that place as quickly as I could.

I lurked in a nearby (but not too near) Walmart parking lot. I crocheted, watched a show, and texted/chatted with some of my people 💜Thank you to those who checked in on me. I really appreciated that.

Brady’s scan was shorter than expected! It was about an hour and twenty minutes long, and its been up to three hours in the past, I think. I chose to believe that was good news, and I was very excited to pick him up!

The two handicapped spots at the entrance of emergency were filled with people just standing around who had no interest in moving as I sat with my signal light blinking. Finally I just started driving in, and they meandered over into the next spot. I texted Brady I was there, not about to leave my vehicle open and running. He was there within a minute, and we took off together.

Kind of bizarre when a late night MRI counts as a date night, hey? Haha!

Aaaaanyway, I won’t leave anyone hanging. You guys know we have a really good thing with our doctor, so I texted her this morning and asked if she’d keep an eye out for results. They only actually get sent to her office a day or two later, but they’re online for her viewing earlier, so we often get our results as soon as she can find them. I texted her mid-late morning, and she texted me right before noon excitedly, saying she’d look right away.

And then there was no response for over a half hour. 🤮 So while I refused to nag her, anxiety was building.

But then she texted Brady and I in a group with the most beautiful news 🥺

“I am looking at dec 12 mri results on ehealth and they look great! The spot they have been following at T10 is less evident and they actually question if it is there anymore!!”

That stupid spec has been hanging over us since Brady’s surgery. There has been so much speculation over it. It could be leftover tumour. It could be new growth. It could be a stitch that didn’t dissolve. It could be scar tissue, or blood, or displaced tissue of literally any kind. It is what we’ve been watching so closely, as just about everyone we’ve encountered in the medical world is waiting for it to grow into another cancerous mass. It has remained stable all along, which is better than it growing, but still. It loomed.

And now

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Its gone. Or pretty freaking close to gone.

Guys, there is NO scientific explanation for this. Believe what you will, but I KNOW this was an act of God! The strongest, most miraculous reminder that He cares for us, literally down to the tiniest little spec of who knows what inside of our bodies. I am incredibly grateful for that. I’m SO glad its not up to me to fix. Thank you Lord!

I am both immensely relieved, and also about 20 years older than I was before that text came through.

If I don’t go grey before the end of the year, I never will.

You may or may not know, but I’ve spent the last few months trying to sort out my medications. In late September, I started a new antidepressant in hopes that it would basically solve all of my problems. Haha! That sounds like an exaggeration, but it kind of isn’t, actually.

What I was on originally – sertraline – was not doing enough for me. I was still having regular anxiety attacks. I had horrible heartburn, and I couldn’t stomach more than a couple of bites of food at a meal. I was throwing up in the nights. I wasn’t sleeping. I. Was not. Well. Period.

Thus began the process of weening off Sertraline and starting something new. Mirtazapine, for those who want to know. It is a far lesser known antidepressant, categorized as an atypical treatment for depression complicated by anxiety and/or insomnia. It is most commonly prescribed to old, frail people who barely eat who are deeply depressed. Well, this year has aged me greatly so that all lines up! Hahaha!

Mirtazapine is also an anomaly in the way of doseage. The lower your dose, the drowsier you are. Backwards, right? So going up in your dosage means you are less drowsy. Its a little bonkers, I know.

I have settled into this new medication beautifully. I’ve been able to start getting fully off of Sertraline. I don’t take nausea medication at all anymore, which is HUGE. I haven’t had heartburn in weeks. I’ve gained about ten pounds, which I am actually incredibly grateful for! I sleep! The one issue I’m having is that I am beyond incoherent in the mornings. Sometimes I sleep through the entire time with the kids and leave Brady hanging on his own. I thought my body would familiarize and eventually do better in the mornings, but it hasn’t. So just a couple of days ago, I spoke to Dr. Guselle about this.

And she loved and approved my plan!

I was taking half of the lowest dose of mertazapine available. I asked to move up to the full pill, which is still a very low dose. Remember, moving UP in the dose will make me LESS tired. We agreed that messing with two medications at once wasn’t smart, so we decided I would pause any changes with Sertraline until I was settled into my new dose of mertazapine. (I’m sorry, I know this is a lot to keep organized in the brain, trust me 🙃) Dr. Guselle did tell me, however, that I should notice a change in my drowsiness very quickly. For sure by a week, she said. I was thrilled that it wasn’t another 4-6 week timeline I was looking at. We had a really encouraging phone call, and I feel incredibly hopeful that I could be off of sertraline by the end of the year, and my heartburn meds early in January. To clarify, I could go off of those anytime, but I’m being SO gentle on my body, and going off of things slowly and carefully, so I don’t suffer any more than I absolutely have to. I hope that makes sense.

I take my mertazapine before bed. I took my first full pill dose the evening of my phone call with Dr. Guselle. No change, which made complete sense. I was still a zombie in the morning.

I took my second full dose last night. This morning, I woke up tired, and then got up.

Right.

Up.

Guys, I wasn’t a zombie this morning!!!!

I could’ve cried. This is a gigantic change. And please believe me when I say this is not something that just changed because my attitude did. This is not something I can blow past. I would lay in bed and sleep through everything, but if I did wake up, I would know I needed to get up, but physically be unable to move, and as a result of that, I would be more anxious. It was awful.

I am SO relieved.

Thank you, Lord, for preparing my heart for these things, and these changes. For opening me up to my needs for outside help, and for directing my doctor to think of uncommon options. This feels like a choice I couldn’t have made without faith in You!