I really couldn’t love the weather more. It stormed overnight and was soaking wet this morning. Naturally, this happened right after we placed the beginning of the deck roof up, rendering the built on awning useless

No big loss, though. The kids happily went to camp, like every other day, just a little more damp than usual. They were happy, and so were the three of us who stayed back. 

The rain was a solid motivation to get our awning built. So we slugged back some coffee, Wavy ate some cheese balls, and we were ready to start! 

By “we” I mostly mean Brady. I am SO able and willing to help, but I know it also really makes him happy to be able to do projects again. So I’m nearby. Available. Willing. And I jump in when he asks. It’s a good system. 

At one point, we did realize we were short two boards, and after some research, to our dismay, we came to the conclusion that the closest lumberyard was in PA. So the three of us made a road trip and picked them up! And because of timing, we let Wavy skip naps. She was AMPED. 

We kept working all afternoon. I actually got to help by hanging the joists and screwing the ends on. I am grossly uncomfortable on a ladder, but yay for new experiences?? 😬 I was pretty shaky but we got there!  

It’s been a successful day, and there are more to come 💜

Today has been a really beautiful day in a lot of ways. Starting with yesterday evening, actually. The fire ban lifted. Finally. 

We had a fire going within minutes of finding out. And again this morning. 

We got the kids to camp, gave Wavy some cheese balls, and sat by the fire to sip coffee. While we were there, Brady got a call from the permit people that we had FINALLY been approved to build our awning! 

It’s been kind of a bit of a debacle but it’s sorted out now, and we officially can start the build! 

So we did 😁

While Brady does what he can do, I’ve been crocheting at the fire. 

There isn’t a whole lot more I could ask for right now, to be honest. I feel so content in this moment. It is healing to have these moments in between the chaotic ones, to remind me how they feel. 

I hope you’re having some of the comfort and peace I am experiencing today. 

Thank you for your warm care on my post about my mental state yesterday. It was truly an incredibly hard day that wrapped up with a giant cry, a panic attack, and then the PROPER meds that helped me finally find rest. 

Today is clearer and healthier already. Thank you, Lord. It’s beautifully chilly and misty, and four out of my five children are officially off to their first day of day camp!!! 

We were not as organized as we would’ve liked to be, but alas, off they go, sharing bags and items that we were apparently supposed to bring for each of them 😬 whoops!

Conveniently, Laela got bumped up an age group, so she and Dekker can share items. And Rowan and Solly go together too, so they can also share! Woot! 

Brady signed in the middles and I signed in with the bigs. Surprisingly, the big ones seemed a little timid while the middles were gung ho! Dekker and Laela walked slowly towards their group, and Rowan loudly introduced himself and Solly to the whole room. 

Wavy felt a little lost when we got back to our site. Though she didn’t seem super upset that she didn’t get to attend day camp herself, she was pretty scattered within the first few minutes. She was unsettled but didn’t want to do anything. She just cried and cried. 

Buuuuut I bribed her with cheese balls and now all is well, lol! 

We took a little coffee break, and then went for a long drive in the golf cart together. It was really really sweet to just be the three of us. A little taste of September, I suppose. 

It’s been a really nice morning so far. I feel more myself, though still quite tired from my lost night. But I’ll take improvement over perfection 💜 always. 

A Weary Traveller 

I always struggle the day before we go to the lake. I hope I don’t always feel that way. I think it’s just the time of life we’ve been in. But the prepping the day before we go is hard. Don’t worry, I am not without willing, loving help and all the breaks I need. But still. It’s a hard day. That was yesterday. 

Last night, I did not sleep. I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t wind down. I lay awake until about 1:30am and finally gave in and woke Brady. Sometimes just having him up with me makes the difference. Well watch a super chill show, on the darkest screen possible, really really quietly, and I’ll rest a hand on him and fall asleep. It’s like I subconsciously think he will hold down the fort for me, and I can finally let down. 

After about a half hour, I dozed off. But I woke up so shortly thereafter and that was about it. I was awake when Brady got up around 6:00am to take his meds. I dozed a little more after that. But really, I can confidently say I didn’t get more than an hour of sleep last night. 

I used that special wakeful time to myself to worry, gag, overthink, and sulk. Zero stars. Do not recommend. It sucked. 

When it was eventually time to get up and get things moving, I came to the realization that I had taken the wrong pills last night. Instead of taking my heartburn medication and my sleep aid, I took two of my heartburn medications. 🙄 I was SO angry at me. Which really did me no favours at all. 

The one positive thing from all of this is that I know why I didn’t sleep. Part of my overnight fear was that my sleep aid wasn’t working anymore, and now I can know that’s not the case. So I will take my proper medication tonight and it will work itself out. 

But before that happens, I must get through today. I had a good morning cry and then the day could go forward. I feel disgusting. Sick to my stomach. But alas, it’s lake day. And we made it 💜 

Feels like a good day for an afternoon nap 😴 

Today’s post revolves around the reality that Brady is a paraplegic now, and sometimes, people forget.

His first run-in with that harsh reality came right after he arrived home after rehab. Meryl Sweep, our robot vacuum, drove into his feet and almost knocked him over. Brady chastised her immediately. “Meryl! I’m plegic now!” But she has not learned, and continues to nibble his toes and and run into him at full speed. Little jerk.

In the hospital, during rehab, Brady was constantly asked if his shoes or braces were comfortable or fit properly. Brady found it entertaining, and always kind of chuckled and said “you tell me” and his therapists would have to put their full capable feet in their less capable mouths.

Just the other day, Laela requested Brady walk her to the grocery store across town to buy something. Brady laughed and kind of awkwardly said to her “well… I can’t walk…” Don’t worry, guys. We all laughed.

I spoke to Dr. Guselle about counselling the other day, and she made a comment about how it never hurts to get your foot in the door. I giggled on the inside and said “Not for Brady.” Ten seconds later, she caught my joke and stuttered a little, and couldn’t quite muster any words. I laughed at her outwardly, and she admitted she is not often speechless, but I had DONE it!! 🏆

The last one I’ll share is from the other day, when we went to URO-Med to pick up Brady’s FES machine. We went in and chatted with the staff in the front for a little while, and they told us they had watched us pull up and get out of the van. When they saw Brady step out of the van and stand, they figured we were not their customers after all, but then I pulled his wheelchair around the van, and Brady sat down in it. Brady felt pretty good about it that, for at least a minute, he looked like an “upright.” Lol!

I’ve been trying to sort a few things out over here, but I’ve come to terms with where I’m at and feel I can share it with you.

My mental health has been suffering a bit recently. Though lots of things are SO much better since Brady’s gotten home, no one is “all better” by any means. I started to see a decline in my mental state a few weeks ago. I’ve been trying to manage it and work my life around things properly in order to stay afloat. But this last week, I made the phone call to my doctor to tell her I was no longer afloat.

Steps back are always hard to take.

I’ve currently bumped my sleep aid so I can start sleeping again while we wait for my antidepressant to catch up over the next month or so. I’m back on nausea medication as well. I’m revisiting what used to work, and started buying those meal replacement drinks again, and eating a couple bites of something small in the morning with it.

Its discouraging. I thought we were past this point, but we are not.

With this, my doctor is encouraging me to seek counselling, which I wholeheartedly agree with and expected. I’ve known this would be necessary for me at some point, but I couldn’t even fathom committing to really anything, or following through with something like that. But its clear my body and brain keep disagreeing, and I might need someone’s professional input to help them get sorted out.

As I had this phone call with Dr. Guselle, I sat on our deck at our beautiful camp spot, and cried, and told her I felt crazy. She was SO soft with me, and reassured me that it is actually kind of amazing that I lasted as long as I have without saying I felt that way. She told me these feelings are SO expected, and SO normal, and that I am in fact NOT crazy. She told me I won’t always feel this way. She reminded me that I was kind of hanging by a thread even before all of this change happened with Brady. My subconscious is holding onto things, and there is just too much. She described to me how I am surviving on a LOT of adrenaline, and then when I try to let down, my adrenaline turns on me, hence the anxiety attacks and panic attacks when I’m trying to be at rest.

I felt understood and validated. I prayerfully took her advice.

Since I started sleeping again, my heartburn has already lifted a little, which is a HUGE relief to me. I am FAR from “fixed” but I can already feel some lift, and some hope. I imagine there is more good to come. But I covet your continued prayers. I know this story centres around Brady and I am a very small part of it, but for those who follow our family, I would very much appreciate your prayers for my health, as well.

It is a long, long road.

We haven’t had a mask-free outing in a LONG time, and today was that beautiful day!! 😍

We. Went. EVERYWHERE.

First I got my legs and warms waxed, and then since we were already that far into Saskatoon, we went all the way to stonebridge for a few more errands!

Value Village got us some sweat shorts, a really good quality pan, and a pair of shoes I can actually wear socks in. My little slip ons are not meant for socks.

Home Depot set us up with a sledge hammer for the lake. I’ll tell you about that more another day.

Walmart had everything. Some tin pans for on the barbecue. Boost drinks. Cereal. Crackers. A whisk for the lake. Pads. Biodegradable shampoo. Soup. Yarn. Always yarn.

Subway for lunch, thanks to gift cards that our compassionate life insurance lady gave us in a care package.

From there, we hit the other Value Village, but didn’t find what we needed. We did, however, find another pair of shoes for Brady.

To M&M Meats for treats for Cher’s upcoming birthday! Again, thanks to gift cards we’ve been given. I told Cher what we chose, and out of the five items, she says she’ll for sure eat at LEAST five of them! 🖐️

Off to Bourbon Barbershop to get Brady’s beard oil replenished. The hospital living made his skin SO dry that he had a ton of flaking out from under his beard. I think we’ve caught up to it now, but he uses this great oil to keep everything flake free and smelling great!

Lastly, we went to URO-Med to FINALLY pick up his own FES machine. FES stands for functional electrical stimulation. Its a machine that basically works out the muscles that he cannot make move on his own. He’s used one during and since rehab, but has had a mess of a time getting one for himself that works! Today, it finally all lined up, and he has it! Thank you, Lord!! To boot, we also got to chat with a couple people who worked at URO-Med and made some good contacts. What a resource!

We grabbed iced coffee and went home.

And now, we are finished, hahaha! Oof! It was a GREAT, EXHAUSTING day that we were SO grateful to to spend together!

But tomorrow – tomorrow we rest.

🥱

Brady has been home with us now for three months!! They have been beautiful months. VASTLY above and beyond the 2+ months he was gone. We do not care to relive those months anytime soon. Except just for a quick sec…

*shivers* Flat on his back after an invasive, emergent, complicated spinal tumour resection. Ugh.

He has come SO far since then, as if we don’t already all know that. From these last days alone…

• 

• 

He built our space for wood at the lake, and he even got into the lake with us!!! He is mastering the art of being a walking paraplegic, and not letting his change in mobility change much of anything. He is bound and determined to do just about as much as he did before. And I am SO proud of that determination in him! Thank you, Lord!

As if this all isn’t enough, you may remember Brady’s cancer diagnosis. Yes, that is still upon us. This last weekend up until last night, Brady completed his second full cycle of chemotherapy. A quick recap: Brady takes a dose of an oral pill – temozolomide (aka temodar) before bed for five days. Once thats over, he has 23 days “off,” and then the cycle restarts itself. Its like his period. Except scarier.

God has continued to show Brady grace, and for a second cycle now, Brady was not uncomfortable, sick, or in pain during his chemo. We always plan for that to change, armed with anti-nausea meds, gatorade, ginger ale, crackers, and the expectation of a weekend with more downtime than others. We still take NO risks on chemo weekends and book NOTHING that even MIGHT be stressful or strenuous. But we see God’s hand in Brady’s treatment, and we continue to trust His plan, even if it looks different. Two chemo cycles down, who knows how many left.

For now, I am just SO grateful Brady is well.

It is SUCH a relief to have him home with our family 💜Wherever home lands on that particular day, its just good to be together!

Laela has become something of a sidekick for me recently. She became extra protective of me when Brady was away at the hospital, and she tried a little too hard to take some adult responsibilities off my plate. I literally started praying for her to stay young, and not feel that pressure to be an adult so quickly.

Now, this summer, she has relaxed a bit, but she is definitely maturing. She is very much my daughter, and I am very much her mother, but we are also friends. We like to hang out and be together! She is a LOT of fun!

The other day, our family was at the beach, and Laela had to use the bathroom. I did, too, so we walked together. As we walked, I told her about how ladies often pee in groups. Boys not as much, but girls often go to the bathroom together. Sometimes even when they don’t all have to pee, they’ll still go together. We had a little giggle, because girls are funny like that, and that was it. We peed, and went back to the beach.

I have not peed alone since.

Laela took this information to heart, and now insists on joining me in the bathroom. She’ll pee, too, or she’ll wait right nearby, and we’ll talk. I’m also expected, though not required, to join her as well. She doesn’t push me to join her, but she always invites me. And I think its just the sweetest thing!

Today, she bounded off the playground and chased after me as I headed to the bathroom. I reassured her that she could stay and I’d be right back, but no. Because, as she says now,

“Girls pee together.”

Yesterday was a really big day!

The kids do a lot of biking here. Thanks to a handful of loving friends, our kids are WELL situated with bikes both at the lake and at home. Everyone loves having lake bikes. That being said, Solly doesn’t care for risk taking, really, and will sooner pick up and carry his bike than ride it 🤦‍♀️ His confidence grows sooooo slowly, so while we’re here, he tends to gravitate towards Waverly’s balance bike before his own training wheels bike. We’ve explained to him roughly a billion times that his bike without training wheels would be very much like a balance bike. Nothing doing.

Until yesterday! Our of nowhere, after supper, Solly requested his training wheels off. He had NOT been biking before he asked. Nope. It just came to mind. Brady and I were super surprised and asked if he meant now, or at home.

“Now, at the lake,” Solly decided.

So it was time!! We didn’t give him the chance to change his mind, haha!

His very first run, he GOT it!!!

Now he is a VERY loud guy, his volume knob always cranked to 11, and he just laughed and yelled and freaked out pretty much the entire time. He felt BIG the whole time, from excitement to fear to victory to nerves and back again. He didn’t wipe out even once!!!

I am SO impressed with how brave Solomon was and how quickly he picked up on his bike! There is still practice to be done, but he is WELL on his way! Amazing job, Solly boy!!! 🚲