I cannot believe that Dekker is eight. Cannot believe it. My first born, Dekker Thomas, came into the world after a beautiful day of labour, mercy, rest, and birth. You can re-read his story here if you’d like. I don’t need to. Its imprinted in my mind like it happened yesterday.
Look at those three kids. We knew nothing. Neither Brady or I had ever even changed a diaper. Dekker was our guinea pig baby, and he was the most graceful, content little man for the job. We were, and continue to be SO blessed to have him as our son.
His last year has been FULL, of change and growth and learning.
Dekker floated beautifully through grade two, and is ready for some grade three action! He likes number work more than letter work, but he works hard at everything he tries. Work ethic is not lost on him. I think he got that from his dad. He LOVES to help, to do jobs, and to take care of Waverly in any way he can.
I’ve said before, Dekker is an old soul. I stand behind that.
Tucked in on a recliner, with a blanket, like an old man.
He is my most sensitive child to date, and while sometimes thats a challenge, its also such a beautiful quality. It means he feels big. He has always been this way, and in these years of him growing up and maturing, I’m seeing how he cares for others in a different way than some might. He is an absolute gem.
I asked him the other day if he figured, one day, he might be too nig to snuggle with me. He got kind of a critical look on his face and quietly asked “Why would you say that?” Thank goodness!!!
I am SO proud of you, Dekker!! You are an AMAZING son, brother, and friend. Our family NEEDS you! We all love you so much!! Happy birthday!
You’ve been warned. If you don’t want to hear about Christmas, pass right on through!
As I said the other day, my body is ready for fall. Not so much winter, but cooler days, and a new season.
Being myself, I’ve made a long list of who we’re wanting to get Christmas gifts for, and I’ve jotted some gift ideas next to them. With my recent talk of being brave, there is a sting that sits with me, where one time it was said “You can always count on Hailey to give you something homemade or second hand.” And it wasn’t said with love. And that SUCKED. Because I do love giving homemade things! And if I find something second hand that is awesome that I think someone would love, yes, I’ll gift it. That stigma sat with me for a while. Until now! Its still there. but I’m trying to be brave, and trust that my people know me, know my intentions, and choose to see the best in me. I can hope, anyway! Lol! I have a bit of anxiety as I write gift ideas that I’m (gulp) making myself on my list, but I’m going for it! Hopefully everyone understands 🙂 Consider, if you get a homemade gift, from me or anyone else, that a lot of work and love went into it! A homemade gift is NOT the easy way out at all!!
Another thing I’m considering, with the theme of bravery behind it, is doing the Christmas marketplace here in town 😬 It feels SO scary to even consider it, because then my “trying new things” will be completely public. And it will be clear if they’re good or not. Freaks me out even thinking about it, but I want to trust my community, too. So there’s that. Gah! So many weird scary things on the hypothetical docket. Goodness!
I have in my head that I would love to do some kind of gift exchange among my friends/readers/community, but its pretty clear that you don’t all know each other. I feel like a Secret Santa would be SO FUN! I don’t know! Is that too crazy to think that people would buy gifts for people they didn’t know? What if it was a handmade Secret Santa?? Could be anything from food to wood to cloth to a service to Pinterest crafts to whatever else! I don’t know! But its been on my mind for a while 🙂 Anyone find that intriguing? If there was actual interest, I would LOVE to set something up! A Facebook event/group, where everyone could answer a few “what I’m into” questions. I’d pull names. There would be a low cost entry. I could even commit to driving things to people if mailing costs was an issue. Seriously, I think this sounds SO fun!
Is anyone in for something like this? ✋ I know its August, but in the spirit of handmade things taking longer to “acquire” maybe its socially acceptable 😉 PLEASE let me know! This would be SO fun!
I was really nervous to post my blog on bravery the other day. If I can be honest about my little blog audience, I feel like I have three sections of readers. There’s the section of you that I know about, who like and comment and make contact once in a while, and who appear to be rooting for our family around every corner. I appreciate you SO much, even if we haven’t been close friends in person. Chunk number two is silent followers, who I also really appreciate! I’m not afraid of you quiet ones 😉 I choose to believe you follow along because you care. And chunk number three is the small handful of you that I know are not rooting for us, and actually dislike us. Don’t worry chunk one and two, chunk three is small. While chunk number three doesn’t affect me very much, and I don’t need everyone’s approval, I think we can all agree that its hard to share vulnerable things with people you know aren’t on your side or who you don’t feel close to. I’m usually up for sharing almost everything on this blog, but sometimes chunk number three has me hesitating. And it did on “bravery” day.
But I’m SO glad I shared it!! I received a handful of encouraging comments, as well as some messages and texts. Turns out, I am not the only one who feels the need to be braver these days, and who is feeling that itch for change and self improvement. Its not just me who is in a weird time of figuring.
One friend, Carrie J, wrote me a text and told me how she was feeling the same strong feelings as me. She’s a good friend of mine. We don’t get together very often, because #momlife, but every time we do, we really enjoy each other’s company. So we decided to make the effort to go for a walk in the near future and actually discuss our goals and new things we needed to be brave about. I haven’t ever gotten together with someone for that specific purpose. Like, a life rap session. But we were both excited about it, and made it happen yesterday evening.
Once we both had our kids down for bed, we started walking each other’s way. We live about a block-ish apart, so we met within a couple of minutes, and took to doing laps around the pond. The first thing we talked about was Jamin’s day. Carrie suffered the devastating loss of a child years back, and while our losses were very different, we relate quite closely on a lot of things surrounding grief. So she was sensitive enough to ask and understand the mix of emotions swirling around in my heart. I really appreciated that. (And I appreciated all the love and understanding I received on that post. Thank you, friends.)
I won’t discuss what Carrie is working to be braver about, but I can say we had a really awesome, honest, judgement free conversation. She’s a considerably more graceful person than I am, and spoke so calmly and thoughtfully, where as I feel like I was yelling as I got more excited about our conversation! Hahaha! Such a dork, Hailey! As silly as I felt about most of what I was saying, it was really liberating giving some of my thoughts a voice, and hearing them out loud! I’ve written and researched and talked cryptically about them to an extent, but getting together with a trusted friend specifically to talk about new things and goals and vulnerability and life changes made it feel safer. And I was safe. There was no judgement! We laughed at ourselves from time to time, but in a really honest way. A way that I LOVED.
So here’s the thing. I KNOW that not everyone has someone. But there is something SO freeing and exciting about actually sharing some of these things with someone. Saying them OUT LOUD. It makes plans feel more real. Doable. Reachable. So I challenge you to tell someone! And make it intentional. Making that plan with Carrie a few days in advance prepared both of us for what was to come, and we could get our thoughts in order. We knew we were getting together to talk about what we needed to be brave and vulnerable about. It was really worth it. So I say again, tell somebody. It might make it easier to actually go forward with the changes you have in your heart! Whether you tell a spouse, parent, friend, or family member, tell someone! Give someone the opportunity to encourage you in your quest for change! You can even tell me ❤️ I’m not out here, gunning after all your personal information, but I’m something of a vault, and you can share with me anytime 🙂
Friends, what do you have to be brave about? And who are you going to talk to about it?
Its been a weird couple of weeks. I LOVE summer so so much. Yet I’ve been kind of loving the cooler weather, and secretly anticipating fall. I don’t hate fall, but I’ve always been on team “DON’T WISH SUMMER AWAY!!!” I couldn’t quite put together why I was so ready for fall all of a sudden, but I think I know now. My body remembers.
Two years ago today, Jamin was born.
Him passing away brought a HUGE wave of grief into my heart. I had learned about grief earlier in the year with Theo passing. That was a SHOCK to the system. I had never lost a pregnancy that way before. Jamin’s passing was so different, in the way that I actually went to the hospital and delivered him, held him, spent time with him. Seeing him with my own two eyes made it more real. It felt more like a real death, if that makes any sense.
Jamin dying made me ready to see summer go. I needed a new season. We had enjoyed our summer already. We had gone on our lake trip. And now my child has passed away, effectively ruining the end of the season. I was finished. I was READY for fall. Good riddance, summer.
Last summer, I remember feeling the same way, but kind of not talking about it. Because again, I don’t want the warm weather to go! I’m cold SO easily, and I hate being cold. Sometimes I get physically sick just because I’m cold! Cold is NOT my thing. Yet, for some reason, I was ready to see the warmth go and to keep on trucking.
And now, here I am, mid August, SO ready for cooler times. It seems so crazy, knowing me the way I do. But I feel like today, I’ve pieced together why I’m feeling this way.
Its because grief is a strange, difficult, deep emotion that truly changes a person. Losing Jamin didn’t make me hate summer, but I think it gave me a new appreciation for fall, or even just the changing of the seasons.
Funny how losing my boys continues to bring beauty and learning to our lives. I struggled hard after my losses, wanting to know the “why” so badly. Countless times, I said that I knew I’d likely never get to know why they passed, but that I hoped so much that God would use them for something beautiful. And while there’s no big movement coming out of our losses, I do feel like they’ve shaken up my life in a big way. And maybe God can use me differently than He previously could have before I had lost them.
Grief is grief. No one’s grief is exactly the same, but it doesn’t have to be. Once you’ve experienced a new depth of grief, you know what I’m talking about. I hurt for people who grieve, because its such a deep emotion that has NO rhyme or reason. It just shows up on any random day and breaks you down. And at least for me, its a very lonely emotion. Because try as they might, no one gets it. And when people don’t even try to understand – that sticks. I remember, maybe a month after Jamin passed, someone said to me “We’re all kind of surprised you’re still so sad.” I hold no grudges, but I will never forget that.
I still cry for my boys. I will never stop missing them, and wondering about them. We were given a beautiful gift in our Waverly, and I am SO grateful for her. But she replaced no one. She is amazing all on her own. Theo would’ve been amazing, too. So would Jamin.
Happy birth day, Jamin 💙 Thank you for giving me a newfound appreciation for fall. What a great gift. 🍂
Wavy is consistently sleeping through the night these days! Thank the good Lord! The little dear only wakes up if we get up to use the bathroom or cough or lull her ourselves. This is making our need for a basement bedroom seem a bit more urgent. She is more than ready to be out of our room. No more bottles. She just goes to bed, and she sleeps all night.
Except right now. Poor Miss Waverly has caught our cold. It positively refuses to quit, and its taking her down with it. Yesterday, she was a bit temperamental, but still in good spirits for the most part.
But last night was not great :/ She was up three or four different times. Normally, if she lulls, she fusses for a minute or two and goes back to sleep. But last night, she felt like garbage, and was considerably more mournful upon waking up. We could hear her stand up in her bed and weep and wail. We felt for her, and went to get her, wipe her nose, and give her a drink. She slugged that water back so much, her throat must’ve really hurt. She woke up at the right times to give her some medicine, and we even sat with her and watched a little Netflix while we waited for it to kick in. She was a picture of misery. Very very cute misery.
Today hasn’t been much better for her. She’s slept most of it, and when she was awake, she’s been pretty sad. She slept through lunch, so when she woke up, I gave her a handful of goldfish crackers before she was, once again, a puddle of tears and needed to go back to bed.
I only wish I was so cute when I’m sick 💜
Get better soon, Wavy! We miss your happy smile and playing with you!
Funny thing. I can’t find the post where I made my super vague resolutions this year. I know it exists, but none of my keyword searches can bring it up. With that, I was looking for it for a pretty silly reason. If I remember correctly, I called out a keyword/theme for this year. And if I remember correctly, I think the word I chose was incorrect. I don’t remember what I did choose, which is why this all sounds a bit silly, but we’re halfway through the year, and and its taken a really positive turn towards…..
BRAVERY.
More and more, I feel pressed towards things that scare me. Not a bad scary. A stretching, growing, vulnerable scary. Like a really healthy, exciting scary. A scary that’s making me grow up a little, and while no one loves being pushed out of their comfort zone, I’m really thankful for where I am and all I’m learning.
Here are a few of the things I’m doing that scare me!
I’m being honest about the fact that I’m not great in the kitchen, and I’m genuinely working to improve it! That seems small, but admitting you’re not good at something is hard all on its own. Taking on the challenge to better yourself is a whole other thing. And then doing it publicly (on the blog) is a whole other thing!! But I’m glad I’m doing it 🙂 I like sharing the things I figure out I’m good at, and the things I flop. Makes a higher pressure situation feel lighter.
I’m taking more risks. Not high stakes risks, but recreational risks! I know that sounds silly, but let me explain. I’m mostly talking about our band. I hesitate so much to mention our band, because it feels silly. Like we’re chasing some high school pipe dream. But we’re not. We’re actually just really enjoying playing music together, and conveniently, we’re kind of good! Playing the car show three years in a row now feels a bit bananas, but I often write stuff like that off as us being local, familiar, and convenient. Yet, that’s not the case. We’ve been sought out a few times, and are starting to widen our gaze in terms of what is within our reach. We don’t have many big band goals, but we sure have a great time! Its been important to me to kind of close my eyes and jump in when we search out a new gig idea, band purchase, or complicated song. My ego doesn’t want to take the risk but the rest of me is up to it, it seems!
I’m in search of a side hustle. A real one. For lots of reasons, not just money, but for me. I’ve had it in mind for a while, and honestly, I have a handful of pretty good ideas! But they all feel risky. And I’ve hesitated, and held back, not wanting to try and fail multiple times in public. But that’s just pride. And we all mess stuff up! We can’t always ace everything. So that possibility shouldn’t hold me back, but of course it does. It holds a lot of people back! But there again! Is that a good enough reason not to try? So while I’m not sharing things on here just yet, I have a few plans in mind and I’m quite determined to move forward with one or some of them. I’m a fairly creative person, if I can even let myself write that, yet SO many creative avenues are tapped around here, I easily get defeated before I even begin. Thats going to change.
Its a bit late in the year to tweak my New Years resolutions, but I can’t find them anyway 😉 Why wait until January to start something new? TODAY is a good day to be brave!
I have a post planned for next week, and needed a bit of help. Cher was gracious and took some photos for me. We planned a shoot together and we got it done earlier this week. I’m very excited to share it with you in time, but today, while she was editing, Cher sent me some of the pictures she snapped after we had gotten home and settled back into regular life. Guys, it wouldn’t be fair to not share them. My child is just WAY too gorgeous.
Tickle tickle that pit!
I’m not sure what happened, but Wavy had a cry. And then it turned into a snuggle. A GORGEOUS snuggle.
She rallied. I nibbled her fingers.
She is just so soft and friendly and beautiful and cuddly and a VERY popular family member! I don’t say this because I favor her at all, but her siblings sure do! She’s everyone’s fave.
When Brady’s been home for a long time, I really settle in to having him around. I love when he’s home. We all do. We’re big fans of our man. Yet we NEED work, so I’m in FULL support of him going to work as well. Sometimes those days are extra long, though, with me being back to single parenting and the kids missing their dad. Its a good, healthy thing. Its good to miss each other.
Today, Brady is at work. Its not been his smoothest day, nor our smoothest day, but its still a good one. A day where I’m happy we have nothing crazy on the books. A day when I’m happy I let the kids play at the island.
I’ve spent a chunk of the day working on projects, snuggled under a blanket. Its cold in here, but I’m not mad at it. Somehow, the idea of fall coming doesn’t feel daunting at the moment. I LOVE summer, and I always mourn its passing, but somehow, this year, I’m all for Autumn. Bring it on.
We’ve been living in a perpetual Catch 22 this last year or so. Brady’s work has been slow, thats no secret. We’ve been getting the basement done, slowly but surely, in that time. When there’s little work, there’s little money, but when there’s much work, there’s no time! Isn’t that always how it happens? That being said, God makes a way, and we’re hanging on. Things are getting done more slowly than we had hoped, but they’re getting done nonetheless.
The last couple of weeks, we’ve been really, really busy. Since getting home from the lake, we’ve been going hard on the basement, and are finally seeing beautiful progress. I want to post pictures but I’m going to wait until things are a liiiiittle closer to done. Without showing you pictures, however, I can tell you we’re close to having things operational anyway. The bathroom is the biggest part of the work, and its SO close! Everything is plumbed in and working, but everything needs to be sealed and waterproofed, so to speak. We need to tile around the tub surround, add trim and a mirror, but otherwise it all works! Woot! A door wouldn’t hurt, either 😉 Carpet will probably have to wait for a bit, too. Still on the hunt for a big ole throw rug for a temporary bedroom solution, if anyone has one they’re selling! Ceiling will also wait, but thankfully the rafters aren’t all gross and spiderwebby like I would’ve thought they’d be. Its all very close to cozy and livable.
That all being said, Brady finally has some work coming in <3 Praise the Lord! He’ll be busy for the next week and half, so far, and we are SO grateful for that! However, the basement will be sitting! Waiting! Gah!!! I know, we can’t have it both ways, and we NEED the work, but I know it’ll eat both of us alive that nothing is getting done in the days. Which means evenings are going to be FULL of basement work! Except evenings are already so full! We have lots of band practices coming up here, with us having another gig next week (woot!) plus we have some kids events this week, as well as friends and family we love to see in evenings. We have a birthday to celebrate next week, and countless things on our never-ending to-do list. Never a shortage, am I right?? Before we know it, it’s going to be time for SCHOOL to start!! I would SO love to have this basement business sorted out before then!
So wish us luck in this crazy busy time! Its a really wonderful time of our life, to be honest, and I’m so grateful for all we have going on and who is all part of it. I’m really enjoying our life. Just hope we don’t miss anything!
Once the kids were down for naps, I headed to moms to help get her birthday party together! For a good couple of hours, we chopped food, organized trays, moved around the backyard, set up a game, put up a sign, and went over and over and over her lists. Then we sat for about twenty minutes, and then got back up and did the finishing touches, like putting drinks in the dispensers, setting out some veggie trays, and building a fire. Guests started to arrive right on schedule, and the party went off without a hitch! Her friends were all SO happy to be there, and visited contentedly around the fire until it was time to start supper. We filled foil packs with potatoes, onions, carrots, sausage, butter, and spices, and let them cook over the fire while the visiting continued. It was really special to see everyone making friends with each other when so many of them didn’t know each other otherwise. Food was flipped and checked, and sure enough, they were all beautifully done. No one’s food burned or was underdone. The potato packs, paired with a few sides, were SO indulgent. Just delicious!
We had planned a game of croquet, but the visiting was just too smooth to interrupt. Mom opened a stack of gifts and cards from the group, and people started to peter out. When it was just mom, myself, and one other guest, we cracked out the croquet and cheated our way through a game. Mom won, as she should 🙂 I wish I had more pictures from her party, but it was one of those times when you just don’t get there, because you’re too busy being in the moment. And sometimes thats best. Mom and I cleaned up a bit more once everyone had left. It was dark by then, but we made it work 🙂
While I was at mom’s party, Brady took the three older kids to the opening night of Family Adventure Week! It started very close to the kids bedtime, so it was a bit of a stretch. But they made it happen, and the kids had a really good time! They sang songs, listened to a bible story, and went on a photo scavenger hunt! This picture even won them a prize 🙂
This was a good one, too 🙂 Happy times.
Meanwhile, Cher lovingly moved her plans around in order to help us out with childcare. Bringing all five kids to the event on his own wouldn’t be a pretty big undertaking. While possible, it wouldn’t have been smooth. Cher keeping the two little ones at home was the best possible option.
Once Solomon recovered from being left at home (“When’s Rowan coming back? Its Rowan’s bedtime!”) he settled in, and they had a really special little date. He doesn’t get to be the oldest very often.
All things considered, yesterday was basically bananas, and I wouldn’t change it. We all had SUCH a good day! Brady and I are in the thick of our colds right now, which is a bit of a bummer, but the general excitement of the busy days helps distract us from the sickness. And really, rather we’re sick now than next week! Round two at Clearcut Coffeehouse is coming at you NEXT THURSDAY!!! Who wants to come?? 🙋
