I’m not shy about the fact that I bottle feed my babies. I used to be, but I’m not anymore. I REALLY don’t want this to be a controversial post AT ALL, so I beg of you all. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Feel free to judge me if need be, but I’d prefer if you kept it to yourself. This was such a tough subject for me not too long ago, and while I’m more confident in my choices these days than I was years ago, I’m still human, and things still hurt me sometimes.

When I had Dekker, I very much planned to nurse. Bottle feeding was SO taboo and was only to be used as a last ditch effort. It was (and still is, I’d say) considered a failure to bottle feed, because if you’re feeding your baby with formula, you obviously COULDN’T nurse! So I very much expected to breastfeed my child. I stocked up on nursing pads, nipple cream, etc. I bought a nursing pillow. I had done my research on the subject, knew all the tricks to make it easier for a first timer, etc. I was ready.

And then I delivered this MASSIVE child. Ten pounds, ten ounces. He was huge, and I was so scrawny. Holding him hurt my arms SO much, being that I was new at holding babies, and that mine was so much bigger than average. I was asked in delivery if I was going to breastfeed or bottle feed. I said I was going to try to nurse. She responded to me with “Are you going to try to breastfeed, or are you going to BREASTFEED??” To this day, I’m not sure what my response was, but if I could go back, I’d probably laugh and say “I’m going to try.” But I was new, so I’m sure I politely said I was going to breastfeed.

I was encouraged to start immediately, which is great. He nursed and nursed and nursed and nursed unceasingly. He was so hungry, and my milk was obviously not in yet. Again, all normal. I know this. But it was hard. I was so wiped out. Being that I was new, I let a few bad latches go too long and ended up with bleeding nipples. Guys. There is no other pain like that. Trying to let him nurse on a wounded nipple was unreal pain!! Just bananas. But I worked with it. I agreed to sit with that crazy breast pump for a while to try to draw SOME milk out for him, and then a nurse came in and fed him the few drops we retrieved off of a little plastic spoon.

I kept being told to position him in a way that I didn’t actually have to support his weight. Prop pillows up, they said. Hold him like a football beside you. More pillows. Lay beside him. Aaaaall the pillows. I stacked those pillows to high heaven, let me tell you. I tried all the holds. Maybe I was just bad at it because I was new, but there was just no way! I couldn’t figure it out. “Keep trying, you’ll get it!” So I did. I kept trying! I nursed him through our couple of days at the hospital and took him home with the plan to continue.

The home visit nurses came over sometime in the next day or two. They weighed him, measured him, and deemed that he was doing fine size wise. I told them I was struggling with nursing him, that I was in huge amounts of pain, and that he was never ever satisfied. He was dropping in weight still, but he had started so huge that no one was worried. They came once more a couple of days later to help me with breastfeeding. I sat in my bed with all of my pillows stacked under my son, popped my boob out, and accepted the help. She walked me through latching, and I wept and cringed as he attached. “Don’t tense up like that, your milk won’t let down that way.” So I bit my lip and fought through it. She sat and watched him drink for a bit once it was clear the latch was established. Maybe 30-45 seconds in, she asked me to detach him. So I did. She looked at my sad, broken nipple, all misshapen and bleeding, and said “Huh. Well it looked like a great latch, but that doesn’t look right.” I had a brief moment of relief before she said “Well, keep trying! You’ll get it!”

And that was that.

I feel like I HAVE to say something here, because I know someone else will. Yes. I could’ve travelled to the city and sought out the breastfeeding cafe, lactation consultants, etc. There are absolutely resources I could have looked into. But for lots of reasons, both good and bad, I didn’t. I was new, and figured I could figure it out eventually. I was embarrassed. I was exhausted. I was nervous to take my baby out by myself. And unbeknownst to me, my stitches from delivery were dreadfully infected, and the pain from that made it incredibly difficult to leave my house. So I didn’t, and I kept fighting through the struggle at home.

Those weeks were brutal. I didn’t realize it right away. My baby would cry, I’d nurse him, and then pass him off as fast as I could. I would cry and cry and cry. I had the purest mouth before I breastfed, but I swore my way through that pain. I WANTED it to work. I remember feeling such shame, all self inflicted, when I went to buy a breast pump and bottles. I just needed to give my broken body a rest. “You know pumping doesn’t do the same as actual nursing. Your supply might drop.” Yes, yes, I knew that. But I NEEDED to. I continued to nurse as I could, and pumped and fed in between. I was in SO much pain.

I took my son to our two week postnatal appointment right on time. And my son had continued to drop weight. Not a lot, but enough. Now you guys now how much I love my doctor. She is exceptional. The picture of what a family medicine physician should be. And I know for a fact that she is a HUGE advocate for breastfeeding. She took one look at my weary face and gave me an escape. An out. A life saver.

“Are you just done?”

“I really want to be…”
“Then be done. That is perfectly fine. Its not worth this much. Thats why we have options.”

And that was that.

Just like that, I knew it was going to be fine. She told us where to go and what to buy, and she pulled ALL the fear out of bottle feeding.

One week later, we went for a follow up visit, and we celebrated as a group upon discovering that my son had gained a TON and was easily up past his birth weight. We made the RIGHT decision! Praise the Lord for options!!

Now, you’d think the story would be done now, but its not. Because the answer to the question “Why don’t I breastfeed” isn’t answered yet.

Not many of you know, maybe, but we started trying to conceive again when Dekker was around four months old. We had conceived the first one so quickly, it was an immense surprise when we struggled and struggled to conceive over the next full year with no success whatsoever. It was awful, and I believe that was the very beginning of my experience with anxiety.

I had just received my letter in the mail with my appointment to see a specialist about my fertility when we found out we were finally expecting another baby!!!

And my FIRST thought, I kid you not, was “Oh no. I’m going to have to nurse again.”

Thus proceeded to be an incredibly anxious pregnancy for me. It wasn’t all centred around nursing, of course. There were lots of things I won’t get into, but I was basically a wreck. Partway through my pregnancy, Brady and I made the very private decision to bottle feed from the get go. Not because I couldn’t nurse, but because that was just one less thing on my list of things to worry about. It was just done. Off the list. That was that.

And it was SO freeing! An amazing weight lifted off my shoulders, and I could breathe again. We told Dr. Guselle our decision, and she supported us fully. She even put it on my prenatal info sheet, and requested, albeit professionally, that no one needed to harp on us about it. Done and done.

And thats how its continued throughout the years and the babies. We have found an amazing groove with bottle feeding, and I can say 100% that I am SO happy with our decision.

We all do it differently, and that’s ok 🙂

I know its a super hot button topic, and I have NO desire to stir that pot whatsoever. I just want to share our backstory and answer the question of why we bottle feed our babies 🙂 So there you have it.

That is that.

I’m trying not to do so much writing about the day before on here, but its tricky not to when I vastly prefer writing in the morning. So bear with me, if you will, while I tell you about yesterday!

It was going to be a pretty average day. Nothing too crazy. The one thing on the books was that Cher was coming for lunch, so that was a fun, low pressure thing to look forward to. Its always nice to break the day up with a friend. In the morning, however, I became a touch overwhelmed with my growing list of things that needed doing/buying before the weekend. My initial count showed that I needed 14 things (that number grew significantly) from about six different places. I talked to Brady a bit about it and he suggested we run errands in the late afternoon/evening, and wipe as much off of my list as possible. So we planned for that.

Cher came by around 11:00 ish, I believe, and I got the kids and the two of us lunch while she snuggled Wavy for a bit. We ate egg salad scooped on Doritos, because we’re grownups and we can. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it!

We both had somewhere to be that afternoon, so right around the time she left, my mom and my aunt who happens to be out visiting popped by! It worked out so perfectly 🙂 I don’t remember the last time I saw my aunt, but I know for sure she hadn’t met Wavy or Solly. Maaaybe Rowan, when he was still itty bitty?? I’m not sure. But she fit in beautifully with the crew, and the three of us ladies had a really nice visit. I wish they could’ve stayed longer, but they headed back out on their walk, and not ten minutes later, it was time to get the kids dressed and head out to meet Brady in the city.

I won’t bore you with the details. We went to SO MANY PLACES. We got lots of stuff done and some information about the things that we couldn’t complete. Felt super productive. Wavy made a fuss only once, for milk, so we helped her with that and carried on.

While we were away in the evening, Jerilee was at our place getting some work done. I LOVE that. That kind of thing makes me feel like our house is homey for others, not just us. On our way out of the city, we grabbed some Subway for ourselves and for Jerilee, and headed home. After putting the kids down and putting groceries away, the three of us settled in for an evening of the Bachelorette finale and some laptop reloading. Can you guess who did what? Hahaha! Was entertaining for everyone in different ways 😉

The day turned out so full and so great. I just love days like that, where you’re kind of always moving, and never bored, but happy pretty much the whole time.

Today has been busy, too, and the evening will once again be filled with company that we are very much looking forward to seeing! What a great way to kick off the weekend!

I remember when I learned that my favorite guilty pleasure band was coming to Saskatoon and playing the Ex, I wondered if I would feel well enough to go, considering I wouldn’t even be six weeks out yet. I have been extremely fortunate in my recovery this time around, and have felt pretty much completely normal since about three weeks postpartum. So the concert was on the books, and Brady and I were pumped! He came home early and made the kids supper while I got ready. Our much loved babysitter/friend showed up shortly after 5:00 and off we went!

I admit, we tossed around the idea of just grabbing fast food and using our extra time to run errands! Haha! We’re old. We decided to prioritize our date rather, and went to Montanas for supper. Neither of us even looked at the menu, haha! We are old, and we know what we like. Baked chicken penne for me, and the firecracker burger for Brady, plus the beer on special. It took quite a bit longer there than we were expecting, so we bought our Ex admission online while we waited (and waited and waited) I know it seems like it wasn’t date-ish, and it was! Just a tad frustrating in the moment, knowing we had a deadline.

Lucky for us, we made it to the show!! If you’ve followed along long enough, you know who we saw 🙂 Marianas Trench!!

We opted to hang in the stands this time rather than on the ground. I LOVE being close to the stage, but I also LOVE not standing for three hours.

It was an awesome show, as they always are. Its just amazing how good they are when they’re live. Vocal quality was on point, the sound was mixed well, their stage presence was engaging and super entertaining. I’ve said it time and time again, but regardless of whether or not you like their music, they put on an AMAZING show! Definitely worth a try!! The last thing I’ll say about them is that they are a much bigger band than when they first starting playing shows like the Ex, yet they still come and play the free stage almost every summer. I love that. It shows humility, which cannot be said for too many bands as they grow in success. A very good quality thats hard to find.

The show wrapped up around 10:00, and we meandered our way through the crowds to find some treats for ourselves and to pay our babysitter with. Spudnuts and lemonade in hand, we headed back out to our vehicle and made our way home. Leaving events like that always feels like it takes an eternity but it wasn’t too bad at all.

We were home right around 11:00. The kids were all asleep, everyone was well, it was an all around successful night. And what better way to wrap it up than with a snuggle with this girly!

I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I had her back.

Thank goodness, she slept until 5:00am, so we got a wonderful, long stretch of sleep before she lulled, sleep-drank two measly ounces, and went back down until 9:30 roughly. This girly loves her sleep!

It really was such a lovely night out. I’m realizing more and more how important it is to go on dates from time to time, and just remember who you are as a couple, and individually, outside of the kids. I know there are people who diligently get childcare every Friday and make dating a big priority. I don’t think we can exactly swing that many dates, but even once a month would be doable and refreshing. Even just going for a walk around town where we can hold hands and talk. Simple, but effective, I bet.

My concert makeup is still on this morning (whoops) but my ears are no longer ringing. I suppose I should wash my face and let last night officially be done 🙂 Or not, because my eye makeup still looks bomb…

Since having Wavy, some of my kids have been helping each other out more than they used to. Kind of out of necessity, kind of not.

Over the last week or so, Wavy has been crying for milk at the same time that I’m getting breakfast on the table for the others. So I’ve been getting the other four settled and then feeding Wavy a few steps away in the living room, just because its a bit more comfy for her and she eats better, and I’m still able to see everyone and be present. The kids do much of breakfast themselves, from getting their siblings vitamins, pouring a bit more cereal, etc. Lately, its ended up that Dekker has offered to feed Solly his yogurt.

Yes. We still feed Solly his yogurt. Could he do it himself? Sure. I admit that I don’t want the extra mess, so we help him eat the potentially super messy stuff. Don’t judge.

So Dekker has been feeding him his yogurt for a few days now, and he now really enjoys it! Dekker LOVES being responsible for someone or something. But as you’d expect, Laela has noticed that Dekker is enjoying it, and now she wants to do it! So yesterday, she fed Solly his yogurt. And she did a pretty great job, too!

Today, Rowan offered. Rowan insisted. And I couldn’t think of a reason why not to let him! I mean, I could, but I really dislike “You’re too little.” Like a LOT. So, I said he could go for it.

Yup. The three year old is feeding the two year old. How did it turn out?

He looks pumped to me!! Do you see it all squeezed between his fingers?? Lol! It was in his neck folds, too. But he was happy, and Rowan felt accomplished, so we’ll take it!

Helping each other out is such a important skill to learn. In my opinion, its something thats missing these days. Having kids help out with jobs, siblings, etc. teaches them not to be entitled or to think the world revolves around them. This doesn’t mean that in the next year, my kids will be making all of their own meals, doing their own laundry, cleaning the whole house, etc. But I do hope to nurture those life skills sooner than later, so they can help out from time to time, because they are part of this family, and they live here, and they should participate in the day to day.

To clarify, I am their mom. I am HAPPY to do these things for them, and I hope to always do lots of these things for them, as much as I can. I had these kids with the intention to care for them in ALL the ways, but I also see teaching them responsibility and life skills as an incredibly important part of my job as their mother. Why wait until they’re teenagers to start?

One of the stigmas with big families, I’ve found, is that people think we’re having all these kids and not doing any of the work. That we’re making our kids do everything for each other and inevitably will expect the older kids to raise the younger ones. That is simply not the case. Not in this house, anyway. I didn’t anticipate rabbit trailing into this topic, but there it is. We ALL do family differently, and that is GREAT. If your kids don’t do chores, I don’t judge that! If your kids do way more work in a day than ours do, I don’t judge that either! If you pay your kids to do household chores, I don’t judge that. If you pay them in high fives, I don’t judge that.

We ALL have our own way 🙂 Today, our way was covering our two year old in yogurt to make our three year old feel proud of himself. I wouldn’t change it!

Though I might not do that tomorrow…

I have to give Wavy  BIG round of applause for her current sleep routine. No, not her schedule. We don’t have one of those at all, and its nowhere in sight. Lucky for us, she’s super low key, and we’re not suffering too terribly hard without one. But her routine is amazing! Specifically last night, it went off without a hitch. She had her awake time in the evening after the other kids had gone to bed. She dozed in and out throughout the later evening and went down solidly at 11pm, waking at 4am, and then not until 10am!!! SO awesome!!

I felt pretty good upon waking. Sleep tends to have that effect. After the gong show of a day we had yesterday, I needed a pick me up. And regardless of the attitudes in the house or in myself, I had a pick me up scheduled for today at noon! Wax and nails, baby!!!

I opted out of any nagging or bugging this morning, which was refreshing. I got some dishes done just before Wavy finally woke up. A certain someone was especially happy to see her.

He always is. He is Waverly’s biggest fan!!

Like I said, they all ate breakfast forEVER, and I had time to tidy up the kitchen and then feed Wavy. Once she was done doddling through her bottling, I very slowly moseyed over to the kids rooms and picked their clothes out for the day. As they noticed, they wandered over to me and got themselves dressed. Everything was suuuper slow motion, but it was suddenly time to go!! I loved the flow of the morning!!!

We got to the right area of the city a few minutes early and met Brady at McDonalds. There wasn’t quite enough time for me to grab lunch before my appointment so Brady drove me the last two minutes to my appointment and then took the kids for lunch.

For the next two hours ish, Brady hung with the kids and I got my legs and arms waxed, as well as got my nails redone. Ooooo! Aaaah! 😍

Cute, right?? I had this idea to use a chunky glitter color and then some other unrelated color, unlike my purple glitter and light purple nails. Pink and red was in my mind when I got there, and then the pinky pinky was an afterthought that I’m happy about 🙂 A little bit “valentines day” ish, but its not February, so I’m pretty ok with it.

Meanwhile in the van…

The kids lunched and fought a little and listened to music, haha! Good times.

Brady had snagged me some lunch when I finished up my appointment, so I ate a Jr Chicken from McDonalds and drank and iced coffee as I drove the kids home. Brady headed back to work. Wavy slept virtually all morning, so when we got home and she lulled awake, she was pissed and starving for milk. So I got on it, with some help from her little (big) shadow.

She looks a little concerned, hey?

We are nap-free and it showwwws! Dekker has loured Solly under the dining table, where he is now apparently feeling trapped and distraught. Laela is reading to Rowan, who is making jokes about what she’s reading, which she does NOT appreciate. Wavy is grunting to high heaven and farting up a storm in her rocker, which makes the other kids scream/laugh, which startles her and makes her cry. Sooooo its going great! 👍 Wish us luck for the rest of the day!

After our wonderful day yesterday and a really solid nights sleep, its only natural that today would start rough, right? Right. Because WOW did it ever!

For the most part, the struggles were pretty standard. Little arguments getting the table set for breakfast. A good solid tantrum even before diaper changes. Discovering that the dishwasher didn’t run overnight. Things like that. But then the kicker.

If you remember, Solly had some bowel issues and has been on a laxative treatment for several months to help retrain his body. Its a long story, but I wrote about it on here a while back. Every morning, I stir his little powdered PEG treatment into his mix cup, and this morning was no different. As soon as I had it poured into his cup, one of my loving little offspring offered to go put it in the pantry. I accepted. Said child snagged it and headed off to the pantry, and as you can probably predict by now, I heard a crash, and an “oops.” I didn’t even look. I just asked “Did it spill?”

“Yes…”

It was no joke, either.

Not only was it all over the pantry floor, but the fine dusty powder went out a good ways into the kitchen. The closer I looked, I saw it was in the appliances, behind all kinds of things, etc. It was SUCH a mess. And a WASTE, also! I gave the kid the benefit of the doubt, but very quickly found out it wasn’t just the drop, but that they had been playing with turning the lid and it had fallen out of their hand when trying to lift it onto the shelf. Just a mistake, but a crappy one. (Ha! Laxative pun.) It was all too overwhelming, and I cried. And then, of course, aforementioned kid cried. And just because timing was fabulous, Waverly woke up, so she cried. The other kids flocked over and hugged and kissed me. They offered to help clean up. They were all SO distressed at the sight of me crying, which felt odd, because I definitely have cried around them. I thanked them for all of their love. I explained that the powder was super fine and would be pretty tricky to clean up well, so I was fine to do it on my own.

I pushed through the work, tracking the mess further out into the kitchen as I went in and out of the pantry. The word “mess” doesn’t really do it justice. I’ll stop harping on it. But it sucked. I cleaned up the floor in the kitchen as best as I could, and looked around to see if I could busy myself with a job to occupy my mind and work out some of my frustration. But, as mentioned, the dishwasher hadn’t run, so I couldn’t do dishes. I could do laundry but I have three loads to fold that are waiting for me already. Nothing else was staring me in the face, but I did have a crying baby. So I scooped her up, made her a bottle, and poured myself a cup of coffee. That was my job for the morning. Snuggling my daughter and drinking coffee. I also guessed what duplo creations were, examined pictures, read stories, and chatted with my littles.

There is no love lost, but it was a rough start for me in that way. It was really hard on the poor kid, too. I made a point not to be a jerk about it, but I’m a bit subdued at least. The morning ran its course, and the kids are napping. Except this little burrito…

but she’s working on it. It won’t be long now.

I promise, I love them all so much ❤️ My kids are easily some of the BEST people I know.

Wish us luck for the afternoon!

I wish all weekend days went like today. Behold, the perfect day off, according to me, in five easy steps!

1. Brunch. We had my mom over for waffle brunch this morning. That includes waffles with whipped cream and other basic toppings, bacon, and coffee. It usually includes some kind of fresh fruit salad, but we were officially out of fresh things. And frankly, sometimes an indulgent treat works too. Mom came around 9:30, and the kids were so happy to see her! She was immediately hijacked to the couch to read stories and look at pictures they had colored. It felt normal, and homey. Waffle brunch with company is always a highlight!
2. Naps. Naps were different today, and actually pretty awesome! Dekker was having a pretty hard morning, and told me through tears that he hadn’t slept very well the night before. I told him I thought having a nap might help. I said he wasn’t in ANY trouble, but the rest would make him feel so much better for the rest of the day. To my surprise, he agreed! So ALL THE KIDS NAPPED!!! Brady and I ate lunch upstairs, in bed, and watched tv on the laptop. It. Was. Awesome.
3. An outing! The kids woke up in considerably better moods, and we told them we were going to head to the city for some groceries. You probably know by now, but our kids LOVE grocery shopping! Running errands is their jam. So that makes it fairly easy to take them out to those kinds of places. Right now, errands are also my jam because I love wearing Wavy in a carrier! They got all dressed while I fed Wavy, and off we went. We started with Costco and stocked up on fresh things for the week, as well as picked up a few staples and some things we need for next weekend. And miiiiilk! Does anyone else buy five jugs at a time? Just us? Ok cool. We made a quick supper stop and headed to Walmart for the rest of our groceries. We usually hit Superstore rather but we have our few select things we get from Walmart, and they have been waiting on the list for so long that they were the majority of our list this time. So we did that next. Didn’t quite get all we came for, but we did ok. We headed home and made it home before the kids bedtime!
4. A visit 🙂 I LOVE how many people have been coming by to see Wavy since she’s been born, and today, she got to meet yet another admirer/friend of hers! A friend who is rarely nearby happened to be this evening, and timing worked out perfectly!! It was SO nice to have a visit, albeit short, with friends who I never, ever see. In person is just so much better than online, but I’ll take what I can get. Not to mention, she brought us the AMAZING gift of some freshly butchered lamb and a big garden zucchini! Food gifts, guys. These are some of the best kinds of gifts for us!!! But besides the gift, its such a treat to chat with good people about real life stuff while passing a baby around.
5. A soak in the tub. No day is complete without one, you know 😉 It is truly the best way to finish the day off. Possibly with snacks. I’m still loving the fun cheeses we bought for Wavy’s party. Also plain Lays chips. And fudge from the lake. I should probably eat less directly before bed…

I say it again. This kind of day just flows SO nicely. I LOVE when days go like this. When we have stuff to do, but not too much, and no one is bored. When the food is good. When the company is loving and warm, and go out of their way to come. When the kids can wind down to music videos before bed, because they earned them. When the house is a nice temperature to fall asleep in. When your family is happy and thriving. These are important days to remember, especially on the days when all you can see is chaos, stress, and absolutely nothing and no one is cooperating. I am SO thankful for today and everyone who played a role in it.

Jerilee came over for a bit today for a goal planning chat. It was SUCH a nice thing to do together! I’m feeling goalish (goulash?) since entering a new decade of life, and she is feeling goalish as her year of work closed off and a new one begun. So its a natural time for all the reflection.

She texted me when she was on her way over and offered to grab me a coffee. Tims or Starbucks? Wherever she was heading already. Starbucks it is! I ordered a vanilla latte, please and thank you.

“Thats a boring drink” she goes.

And she’s totally right! I love the weirder, fancier, sweeter, more complicated drinks. Starbucks is fun for me! I don’t too often order a plain old vanilla latte. That drink always stirs up memories for me.

Its been almost one year since we lost our little Jamin. Being in the hospital had never been as difficult as it was over those two days. Waiting to deliver a baby that I knew I wasn’t going to get to bring home sucked. It was quite a time. Not many people knew we were there, and those who did wanted to badly to help somehow. They didn’t know what to do and neither did we. It was just a bad situation all around. One particular person sent a Starbucks gift card to my phone, saying she knew it wasn’t the “right” thing, but that was all she could think of to do in that moment. It actually was quite perfect. Our baby was born early the next morning, and I was allowed to eat and drink again. After a while, Brady offered to go use that card and get me a coffee. In the moment, as you can imagine, my brain was mush. I couldn’t think of what was on the menu, much less what I liked from there. I stammered out something about a vanilla latte and Brady trucked off to fulfil my request. Pretty sure he was feeling helpless and just needed to do something.

My coffee was obviously far from my priority, but I remember being pleasantly surprised at how yummy it was. It was weirdly cleansing and fresh and just exactly bang on. It was probably the only thing I consumed that day, and while a big cup of coffee doesn’t healthily sustain a person, it worked. It didn’t make me feel sick(er than I already did) or sit like a rock in my stomach. It was just the perfect boring choice.

I was tired today. We all were.

I was cold. Short tempered. No nonsense. Not the best Hailey I’m capable of being. Tell me I’m not the only one who doesn’t rock every single day! And I couldn’t think of any other drink option off the top of my head! So, a vanilla latte it was. And it was yummy! And this somewhat insignificant memory came back to me. And I’m kind of ok with it.

I miss Jamin so much. Its all still so fresh in my memory. Literally down to the coffee I drank that day. I hope that memory never fades. I have no idea how long it’ll be before he and I are reunited. It will be an amazing day!

I’ll willingly admit that I am one of the people who was absolutely dreading turning 30. I’ll also admit that I wasn’t especially rational in my thinking. I would look at myself as a person, and the beautiful life I have, and would think “What have I been doing for the last ten years?!” Which I know is foolish, trust me. My last ten years have been BIG! Brady and I got married. We moved a handful of times, and had a house built for us. Brady started his own business and has been successful! We’ve been pregnant seven times, and brought home five healthy, delicious children. That equals 52 months of pregnancy! We’ve made many friends, and learned about being good friends to our friends. Its been a FULL decade. Yet somehow, I’ve anticipated turning thirty as being some kind of indicator of how little I’ve done. Typing it out even feels stupid now…

Lucky for me, I can now see how ridiculous those feelings are. Thirty can bring it on. I’m not afraid of it. Of course I’m thirty! If I weren’t aging, I wouldn’t have who I have, or be who I am!! And ever so slowly, I’m starting to like me 🙂 Hailey is not all that bad, turns out.

I do feel, however, like this birthday is comparable to everyone else’s New Years. A restart, kind of. And in my heart, a few new goals are brewing. “Hopes,” maybe, is a better word than “goals.” Though does “hope” take away the action part of the word? Hmmm… You get it, right? Many of these goals require me to be braver, so any and all encouragement and prayer is needed and coveted.

I want to be braver in my kitchen, and try new recipes that take more time, even if it makes me feel scattered, if I flop them, or if everyone hates them. That is worth the risk. Goodbye to (most) convenience food, and hello to fresher, healthier things that actually sustain us.

I want to exercise juuust a little. As in going for more walks and little things like that. If I’m unhappy with little things here and there on my body, the only person who can change them is me! If I don’t end up working on these things, I won’t complain about them! And thats ok, too! Simple as that 🙂

I want to change some things up here on the blog, and make some attempts to actually grow my audience! This feels like a SUPER vulnerable one for me, for some reason. My list of goals focusing on and around the blog is my longest list! I’m on the market for a cute little book/calendar to plan blogs out and write notes, and I’m still looking for a nice chair for my gorgeous new desk (that is currently heaped to high heaven with laundry baskets)

I want to, at some point in the coming year or two, find an avenue that can actually help my family financially. Nothing big or crazy, but I’d love to be able to offer something that people need/want, and do it well. I want to learn a skill that matters. I have an idea or two brewing in that department, but again, vulnerability sucks.

Like I said, guys. Bravery. Courage. Confidence. These are things that I lack, but I think they’re things I’d really love to have, that would better me as a person.

Its recently been brought to my attention by more than a couple of people that perhaps my expectations of myself are a touch too high. I’m not sure if thats true, or if perhaps I’m just motivated? I don’t desire to be supermom, but I do desire to be the best version of myself. I want to be the woman God has in mind, and I’m trying to figure out who that is.

I’m so thankful to have had thirty years of life under my belt. I pray I have more years ahead to chase after God’s ideal Hailey.

How has it already been a month since this glorious day?

I flip flop on how I feel about time passing. On one hand, I feel like she was just born. I remember the details of her birth so clearly still. She still feels like a newborn in my arms. I’m still in total bewonderment at the sight of her. Yet she fits in SO perfectly, I feel like she’s always been here. But thats not the truth, because I also very vividly remember all that happened before she came along. I’ll go a bit more in depth on that another day.

Our one month with Wavy has been a total whirlwind. We have been doing SO MUCH, and she has been the perfect sidekick!

I don’t have all the little bits of info people usually like for baby updates.

I don’t know her weight or height.
She has no real schedule or routine yet to share.
There aren’t many (or any real) milestones to track at this point.

There is so little I know about her, to be honest, but here is what I do know.

Wavy is so mild mannered, content, and peaceful. The picture of low maintenance. She doesn’t ask for much, so when she does, I listen. She hardly cries.

She follows me when I walk around her and talk to her.

Her curls have stuck around! So far, anyway!

She wakes up twice at night at the VERY most. She eats great in the day and like garbage at night, so I’m hopeful she’ll sleep through sooner than later.

She fits newborn sizes still, but its getting a bit tight, length wise. Three month clothing, however, is still huge.

She’s getting more and more smiley! I can’t wait for her social smiles to really kick into high gear!

She hates farting. Because she’s a lady, and ladies aren’t supposed to do things like that. #lies

Above ALL of that, though…

Waverly Violet is truly loved by SO MANY PEOPLE. It is amazing how many people are invested in her life, from our friends and family, to a whole host of people I don’t personally know and haven’t ever met. I’ve joked around about how she is the worlds most anticipated baby, but I think there is some very real truth to that. I can find peace in the fact that she has been SO covered in prayer, and is exactly as she should be, no matter who she is, what she does, and what comes up in her life.

And for that – for her – I praise the Lord.

Thank you, Jesus, for one full, delicious, healing, exciting, tear-filled, celebratory month with Waverly.