I say it SO often, but I’ll say it again. I have all the right people in all the right places. Sometimes that refers to doctors, sometimes friends, sometimes people who my children interact with, etc. I’m just SO thrilled to have everyone I have. I am so fortunate.

I told you yesterday how long the day before was. A hard day with the kids, followed by a very sore body and my husband hacking off the tip of his finger. (On that subject, its already WAY better! That guy heals SO fast!) It had been a long day. But yesterday was already better, with my mom coming and being with me, keeping me company and doing days worth of dishes in my kitchen! What a relief!!! When Brady got home that night, I was feeling refreshed and happy. Solly, however, was not, and was pretty hands on. When he tried to make a joke and slammed his head into my face, I burst out crying, and the crying just would not stop 🙁 We had successful had a tv-free day, but we literally turned it on for my benefit so I could stop crying. It was humiliating and awful and I felt so out of control. I managed to stay down with my family until the kids went to bed, but I ate supper, had a soak, and was asleep before 10:00. I’m not even sure I got up to pee in the night like usual. I was FINISHED from that first super difficult day, and I hadn’t come down from it yet, I suppose.

Today has been a better day. A loving friend came over first thing this morning in time for school drop off, so I took Dekker on my own without rushing the whole group out. I came home to everyone happily reading books and playing in Solly’s room. We spent the morning reading and chatting and resting in general. I had the time to straighten the beds, make a few phone calls, and get my planner up to date on a few things. It was so refreshing to have another set of hands available when I needed to do something and couldn’t immediately hold the sad baby or read the book or listen to the long winded stories the kids needed to tell right then! It was wonderful. We made it through lunch, and now everyone is in bed, myself included, and supper is ready and waiting in the fridge, once again, thanks to my loving friend.

Brady shouldn’t work too long of a day today, tomorrow looks great already with a visit from Jerilee in the evening, and Brady is home Friday! Friday is also an ultrasound day 🙂 You know you’ve been to your ultrasound clinic a lot when you call and the receptionist says “Is this Hailey?” Yup, lol! We’re there! But I secretly like it 😉 They’re so good there, I’m very happy to have such a wonderful clinic of people.

My body is sleepy, and nice and full from lunch. Time for rest.

Its funny. My Facebook memories told me that last year, February 26th, was the day we had our carbon monoxide scare in the house. Our house was (gratefully) stormed by the fire department, who tested and aired and retested and retested and aired the place our some more until we were for sure all safe. Conveniently enough, the kids were juuust poisoned enough that they slept through the entire thing. Win!

Our February 26th this year was different, but also significant, and worth sharing, I believe.

To start with, it was just one of those days. One of those days that leave me feeling ashamed and like a failure. A day of fighting and yelling and power struggling and exhaustion. It. Was. Hard. I was exhausted and overdone and on the verge of tears for most of the day. It was just one of those. I tell myself we all have them. I hope I’m telling the truth.

So it was a rough day as a whole, but we rolled through it. When I went to pick Dekker up from school, he was in a much better mood than the rest of us. He had been outside and with his friends, and had escaped the cabin fever! He was happy, and it helped. Picking him up from school ended a little rough, however, when I slipped on the ice outside and wrenched my back pretty badly. I didn’t go down, thank goodness, but I was in quite a bit of pain from that. But a sore back isn’t too terribly rare these days, so again, I tried to just roll with it. I had spoken to Brady on and off through the day and he knew how badly I was struggling. He assured me I should put my feet up and just survive until he got home. The promise of a break helped, too.

He got home at a pretty reasonable time, and I sat on the recliner and chatted with him while we reminisced about our days. He washed up and began to make supper for everyone.

And then he promptly hacked the end of his finger off into the veggie slicer with the cucumbers.

We have NEVER had blood like that in this house!! I’d add pictures, but they’re not for the faint of heart.

It was instantly pouring, and he stood over the sink, unsure of what to do. We’d put paper towel on it and it wasn’t even an obstacle. It was just gushing. Thank goodness, a friend of ours cut the end of his finger off back in the high school days, and I was able to call and ask what they had done. They confirmed what I figured – there’s nothing to stitch. Just stop the bleeding and cover it up for a bit. No reason to go in anywhere. So, we tried.

Spoiler alert. I didn’t get my break. But Brady also didn’t get to keep the end of his finger. So, lose lose.

It took a long time to get his finger to stop bleeding, but it happened, and he held the paper towel tightly to his finger all evening. But eventually, he removed the paper towel to check on the situation. And as you can likely predict, it aaaaall started up again. We were at a total loss.

So we called my mom, because she is the master of hacking her poor fingers to pieces in the kitchen. She came over (bless her heart!) and brought her first aid stuff with her. Sadly, none of us were well prepared enough to own gauze or anything like that, but she took a look and agreed with our basic idea of “just make the sucker stop bleeding.” At that point, we had ceased the bleeding and wrapped his finger in paper towel. We taped it to his finger with medical tape and went on to have a soak and an evening together. We both felt pretty weak and gross at that point, and had muffins for supper. After our bath, we decided we would anger his finger one last time, since we hadn’t had the forethought to smother the paper towel in polysporin before sticking it to his finger, and we figured it would be better to work on that in the evening so it could heal a bit overnight and hopefully be in better shape the next morning.

While he really didn’t seem to enjoy the pain of taking the paper towel off, it was bleeding less than we expected! We loaded some more paper towel up with polysporin and folded it over the tip of his finger. I ran to get the duct tape to tape the paper towel in place, while still leaving space around it to breathe and heal. Don’t ask me how it happened, but we were out of duct tape! We were clearly unprepared for this injury! So electrical tape did the trick, and everything was under control.

I’m happy to say that he is down to a plain old bandage now, and that he was able to put in a full day of work without too much fuss. But MY GOSH it was an ordeal in the moment!

Because of the general of the stress of the day and the evening that followed, my already-angry body didn’t reset overnight, and its been a sore, achy day. I’m SO ready for another soak and hopefully a less overwhelming evening. And that we all keep our digits, ideally…

Ok, I know Solly is only a year and a half-ish old. I know this. But as the weeks roll on, it feels bizarre to have made it this far. I feel like I haven’t been this far into a pregnancy in SO long!! Trust me, I know thats dumb. Many people intentionally space their children out, even much further than this! But its just so crazy to think I’m 21 weeks pregnant! I like putting this series together, and when I sat down this morning to stay assembling todays post, I genuinely was prepared to write about being 20 weeks pregnant. But I’m actually at 21 weeks. This is the FIRST time in this pregnancy that the week seemed to fly by. I know I’m not supposed to wish time away, but I really hope there are more weeks that rush by and time can move a little quicker. I think Spring will help with a lot of that. I hope!

Size Comparison: This is so far the dumbest week for size comparisons yet, haha! My app suggests Bambina is the size of a baseball cap… That makes little to no sense to me, so I dug deeper. Baby is also compared to a weasel, a bok choy, a pomegranate, and carrots. Yup. Multiple “carrots,” apparently. In reading ahead slightly, I see the app I’ve been trying to follow consistently compares a 35 week baby to a “bunch of carrots.” Hmmm. 🤔 The internet says the baby is roughly 3/4 of a pound, and about 10.5″ inches long. I really can’t speak for that, but I’ll maybe know a bit more about that later this week! 

Appointments: As I eluded, I am supposed to book an ultrasound this week! I didn’t have one this last week. Not an appointment this last week at all. I know some of you may think I’ve been foolish to have all of these appointments, but they’ve kept me afloat, and this last week was the FIRST appointment-free week in this pregnancy. And guys, I lived! I am able to feel the baby move most days, and while the kicks aren’t getting much stronger or too much more frequent, I am fortunate enough to feel her most every day, and when I don’t, my home doppler is doing a wonderful job of keeping my anxiety at bay. So, I survived a week without medical professionals, and it was ok 🙂 but I’m excited for a scan this week, for sure!

How am I feeling emotionally: I’m going to be honest here, and I’m going to get a little Christian on you, so beware! 😉 I’m struggling a little bit emotionally recently. In the world of having babies, you’re “safe” after you hear the heartbeat. You’re even safer after you enter your second trimester. I learned the hard way that life is fleeting and there is never any guarantee that the baby will come home with me, healthy and safe. There is no guarantee any of us will live through the day! I don’t mean to be dark or harsh, but its true! We just have no control. Since losing our little boys, I have learned to confidently believe that God has us in the palm of his hand, more than even before, and I have honestly been able to trust him with my family, because there is literally nothing else to hold onto. Now that I’ve passed the 20 week mark, I’m forgetting that God is still in control. Because 20 weeks somehow feels “safe.” Passing the halfway point is amazing, and feeling the baby move is amazinger! Finally, the reassurance I’ve been aching for! But still, I need to trust God, not the world. As we approach the point where baby could safely be born and have a fighting chance, I need to keep praying and not trusting modern medicine alone. Yet is it ok to take some comfort in things of this world, if our trust is still in God? I hope so. I don’t know. I’m not in “bad” emotional shape, but I’m searching, and as seems to be the fruitless theme currently, I’m trying to do things the “rightest” way possible. Whatever that means.

How am I feeling physically: My physical health is all over the map. I’m starting to get some pretty gnarly reflux, and I’m taking zantac most days. My pelvis is okayish, I think, but I’ve had persistent headaches over the last week so I’m wondering if my body is out of line. I’m badly overdue for a treatment of some kind. This last week, I’ve had a bit of heart racing, also. I’m not entirely sure what thats all about, but when that happens, I take it as my cue to sit, and it always calms back down. But thats a new one for me. Beyond that, I’m feeling VERY tired and sluggish again, but like I said earlier, I think Spring is going to help me with things like that. Just today, I noticed while driving Dekker to school that it was brighter outside! It was sunny rather than dim, and that alone brought me some energy. So I’m hopeful thats just the time of year.

Wish Lish/Purchases: I think I’m going to make a whole separate post about my wish lists – including the one thats reasonable and the one that isn’t, haha! As for purchases, I ordered a small batch of things online FOREVER ago and I know for a fact its been sitting at our local post office since last week and still hasn’t been checked in!! Argh! So I can’t talk about any of that really yet :/ Merp. 

Pictures: Todays belly picture, featuring my unwashed hair and dirty mirror!

That belly is definitely unmissable now. I like that. Just one of the things that makes it feel more real.

How are the kids feeling: Sigh. They’re so ready.

They want their baby sister. I don’t blame them. I do too. They ask regularly when she’s coming. I tell them, hopefully in July, and they ask how soon July is. Summertime. Just another thing for us all to look forward to! Dekker has taken to kissing my tummy a lot. I love that. I so badly want to let the kids in on her name, SO badly, but I think they’ll tell everyone, so sadly, they’ll have to stick with Bambina. Yesterday at church, Rowan spotted a little stuffed puppy sticking out of a diaper bag, and whispered to us, asking if it was for “Gambina,” which is Rowan’s version of her name. It was sweet.

Getting to know the baby: She is in that silly stage where she kicks often enough, but the second that Brady puts his hand on my belly to feel her, she stops. Now, to clarify, he HAS felt her kick. But not too often yet. I assume he’d feel it more if not for the anterior placenta, because I can feel the internal rolls, while he can only feel her when she really gives a good kick straight out. But we’ve decided she’s just calmed by her daddy holding her. I can’t wait until we can actually get our hands on her!

The BEST part of being pregnant: I’ve REALLY enjoyed going through some of our little baby girls things over this last week! We had lent out Laela’s 0-6 month stuff a little while back and just received a big box of it back. It was SO fun to see Laela’s little baby stuff again, and even just run my hands along the little diaper shirts and sleepers. Laela, however, was born at the very end of September, so the seasons don’t line up perfectly. None of Laela’s sweater dresses will really cross over for Bambina, but lots of the basics will. Plus, a dear friend offered us a diaper box positively filled with little dresses and matching diaper covers, rompers, and all kinds of beautiful summery things for our new little miss! There are really only a few “holes” left to fill, plus likely a few impulse purchases along the way, haha! But its just been so fun to be able to entertain the real idea that our baby girl may actually join us at the end of all of this. Preparing. Its been nuts, and awesome. 

Favourite thing: My favorite thing for today is the donuts out of the Coop grocery store’s bakery section. Have you had those things?? If not, you should. They have the long john donuts in six packs for $5. They look pretty standard, and are uniform enough that you know they were frozen, and not baked fresh. But the icing is what sets them apart! They are SO fluffy and the icing is SO yummy! It doesn’t form a crust like the Tim Hortons donuts, but its soft and a bit messy and smushy. I HIGHLY recommend these as a treat! To be clear, we’re not specifically a donut family. We never really order them unless we win them during roll-up at Tims. But these are a game changer! I’m pretty sure they’ll be at the party we throw for Bambina when she arrives, but don’t wait until summer to try them!! 

Yuuuuum!!! We still have some kicking around from Rowan’s birthday a few days ago, and they’re still good! Highly, highly recommend.

Its been a good week. Lots of relaxing my body on the week off of school and sleeping more than usual. I feel somewhat normal these days, which is different but nice. I’m anticipating more days like this, or at least I’m hoping for them! And with the sun coming out a bit earlier these days and the temperature rising juuust a bit, I’m dreaming of warmer days and what that will all bring. I simply cannot wait for any of it. But I will 😉 I have no control in the matter, among all the other things I have no control over! Whats a girl to do! Keep on trucking, and trusting, I suppose!

We made some changes around here yesterday! After nap time, we got on it, and it took until supper time before it was done.

Rowan is in not only in a big boy bed now, but we have moved our sleeping arrangements around completely!

Formerly, we had Laela in her bed, Dekker in his bed, and Rowan in his crib all in one room. It was tight, but it worked.

However, Rowan potty training is looming and he needs to be out of a crib. And frankly, a third single bed simply will not fit in the same room! The whole room may as well just be a bed. Rowan was never one to try to escape from his crib, but with my body suffering as much as it is, its getting harder and hard to lift him in and out of there. It was time for a change.

Behold! The new set up, shown here in subpar pictures 😉

This first picture is Rowan and Dekker’s room. Ro’s bed is the one with the headboard. After we took the picture, we added Dekker’s nightstand between the beds, which added a little something. And until now, his nightstand has lived in the closet, so this freed up some nice space in there! Win!

And Laela and Sollys room! Laela was SO excited to share with Solly, and loved having her bed set up somewhere new. She snuggled in it on and off while the kids played around her 🙂 Solly was also amped to have someone to share a room with. Possibly even more excited that Laela’s Elsa came along with Laela herself 😉 He LOVES her Elsa!

The work of putting things together was a family affair for a while, but it took SO long to get the whole thing done that by the end, it was mostly Brady working and me trying to wrangle the small ones out from under the 2x4s and away from the drills.

Dekker helped take Laela’s bed down, and reassemble it in Solly’s room.

He and Laela both wiped the baseboards behind the beds that moved, and we vacuumed everything good and proper. When it came time to assemble Rowan’s new bed, some of the novelty had worn off, so Brady did most of the work himself and I hung out on Dekker’s bed with Solly and whoever wandered in.

It took the rest of the afternoon, but it all got done!! What a relief! The kids were all happy with the new sleeping arrangements and their first night in new spots didn’t mess anything/anyone up too much at all.

Rowan fell out of his bed in the first stretch of the night, but by the time Brady got there, he was already back up and fine. He slept with his head by the footboard, but there could be worse things. Everyone was happy in the morning, with no complaints of wanting to be in other places, and everyone appears to have slept, so we’re calling it a WIN!

Rowan’s two days of birthdays are wrapped, and I think it all turned out super well! Spring can come anytime now 🙂 We’re ready for you!

Everyone wants to give their kid a special birthday, right? We are pretty low key about birthdays around here, and our kids are very happy to have a meal they like, dessert, and presents that they don’t have to share for the first few days. Its a relaxed, happy time for everyone, and we all love it.

Yesterday being Rowan’s birthday, we tried to choose food that we thought he’d like. We don’t usually tell the kids whats for supper in advance, just to avoid whining, but when I whispered to Rowan about the anticipated popcorn chicken and fries, he screwed his face up a bit and said he didn’t want that. I pressed a little, to see what he was hoping for. Turns out he was fine with the popcorn chicken (as long as it came with honey mustard for dipping) but he wanted orange macaroni instead of fries. We decided to go for it and make a pot of mac and cheese for the kids, while we and my parents would likely prefer french fries. What a huge win that supper was! Lots of happy kids eating their body weight in dip 🙂 Haha! Success!

We wrapped up supper with his birthday cake. And by “cake,” I mean donuts. As I’ve mentioned, Ro doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, and we knew he wouldn’t want cake. We wracked our brains and tried to think creatively. Rice Krispie square? Cookies? Ice cream sandwiches? Nothing hit home. But we had eaten donuts not too long ago and I was pretty sure he had eaten at least some of one. So donuts it was! And he was SO happy when he saw it coming!!

We all sang and he smiled and soaked it all in, just loving the attention! When it was over, we told him he could blow his candle out and he tried to put it out with his fingers 😮 🔥 We tried to stop him, but he figured it out before we could. No big burn, just a surprise. He opted for the conventional way to put out a candle next, and blew it out. He went on to grab it by the wick, and again, burned his fingers a little. We helped him know how to pull the candle out and he proceeded to pull it out and take a bite off the end!! Once again, we tried to stop him, but nope. We did, thankfully, manage to stop him before he got his second bite. Yes. He went in for a. Second. Bite. That kid, though…

As you can see, he had a swirly donut, but we exchanged it after for a chocolate one with a skinny line of sprinkles down the middle. He ate maybe three bites of it, picked most of the sprinkles off, and was done with dessert. Perfect. I’m not going to force the kid to eat dessert! He was happy with his birthday food, and so were the rest of us.

We extended Rowan’s birthday to today, and had my parents over once again, as well as Jerilee, for a waffle brunch. The plan was chocolate chip waffles, breakfast sausage, and some fruit. Just simple and yummy. Last night, however, we decided to switch sausage to bacon since I remembered that Ro likes bacon better. Then, this morning, in reminiscing how yesterday’s dessert had gone, I asked Rowan if he wanted chocolate chip waffles or just plain waffles. “Plain,” he answered, without missing a beat. Plain it is! Frankly, with the whipped cream, icing sugar, and syrup available to the group, we had more than enough sugar! We also kept it classy with canned peaches, which everyone seemed to enjoy. I don’t know, does that scream “childhood” too anyone else? We LOVED canned peaches as kids! They were such a treat 🙂 Still are.

So brunch was pretty wild, with a LOT of energy and yelling and sugar, and ended with ALL FOUR KIDS napping off their sugar crash. We have some exciting stuff happening this afternoon, but I’ll tell you all about it in tomorrow’s blog! Until then, I’ll just say that today was the day, three years ago, that Rowan came home.

From the moment we checked into the hospital to the moment we were checked out, our hospital stay clocked in at 25 hours. He was our shortest hospital stay, we had the nicest room, he slept the longest stretches, and I needed the LEAST *ahem* repairs *ahem* done out of all of my babies. Pretty amazing experience it was, having this little boy! I can’t believe he’s THREE! But I also totally can. He is the BEST three year old I know!!

Three years ago, we were SO pleased and proud to welcome our third child, Rowan Toby Born.

Yes, he’s still all cottage cheesy here. Its ok, that stuff is great!

Rowan brought a crazy amount of healing along with him when he was born. The birth of his sibling born prior to him had been awfully scary, and I lived in pretty serious anxiety that his birth would be the same, or worse. If it was, I would likely have opted to stop having children for the sake of my mental health. But he was born in a beautiful controlled environment, where I had my amazing doctor, a fabulous nurse, and a lot more say in how things went down. Feel free to read back to his birth story if you’d like 🙂

Poor Ro has been sick for his first two birthdays. His first birthday was rough!

I remember he looked like that most of the day. I took SO many pictures in this particular sitting and this was the best one I got. He looks pretty zen. A little high, perhaps. I believe two days after this birthday, we took the whole family to the doctor and ALL three kids were swabbed for whooping cough. Yup. That is how sick they all were. It sucked. Poor Ro.

Last year was also a “poor Ro” experience, though he seems a bit stronger in the picture!

A quick read back tells me that he woke up the morning of his second birthday covered in vomit. His bed, his body, and his hair were just coated in the stuff. It had been the week off of school break and every single day, at least one of the children had woken up covered in vomit or worse. I was SO discouraged that he was sick for his birthday again, but some of you had reassured me after reading my post that he would be more than fine, and there were going to be better birthdays ahead. Sickness happens in kids. Its just life.

Here we are on his third birthday, and he is STRONG and WELL. FINALLY!

I went into the kids room this morning singing “Happy Birthday” to Rowan. Dekker and Laela joined in the song, and Rowan finished it off by screeching “YAY! Its my birthday!!” We group hugged/dog piled on him, and he giggled, just loving the attention. After a quick diaper change, we headed to the breakfast table where Ro got to pick a fresh box of cereal. Froot Loops, obviously. They all ate and enjoyed and we had a nice, normal breakfast. The morning after was spent colouring and playing and grandma even came over and joined us for lunch before the three kids went down for naps. I’m actually surprised that they’re sleeping at all. Ro is SO happy to be the birthday boy, but he didn’t fight going down for his nap either 🙂 Win!

Popcorn chicken and french fries is on the menu for tonight, and grandma and grandpa are joining the fun. Coming up with a cake was pretty tricky because, believe it or not, Rowan doesn’t really care for sweets as much as the average kid. So, donuts! I’m pretty sure he’ll like donuts, haha! We love a good, low key, unconventional birthday around here!

I am just SO thrilled to have Rowan in my family. He adds a special spice that no other kid quite has the same way. He would rather snuggle than play. He loves listening to stories, praying for meals, doing the dishes, playing Play-Doh, telling jokes, going to the city, and eating pb&j sandwiches. He has warmed up to having his hair tied up in a ponytail, and insists he wants to keep it long, which we love, support, and think makes him look like a rockstar. He compliments Laela and I when he thinks we look pretty. He is adventurous and brave and has a healthy mix between being super grown up for his age, and being super little and innocent and off in his own world. I LOVE what he adds to our family, and I hope he always has the zest for life that he has now.

Rowan, never stop rubbing noses with me! I love you so much, exactly as you are, through every stage! I am SO happy you’re my son!!! ❤

Its been almost a year since we first put a referral in to have Rowan’s hearing tested. Since then, we were tossed around a bit by audiology at the hospital, saw and paid for a private audiologist, had his ears checked at least four times by his family doctor, and today, we FINALLY made it to a specialist.

We had been on the books to see an ENT (ear, nose, and throat doctor) for a couple of months now. Lucky for us, Rowan has had his ears checked so many times that he feels like an expert on the subject, so he wasn’t nervous about having them checked again by someone new. He was actually pretty excited about it. This morning, I got everyone dressed and ready with about 20 minutes to spare. I used that time to see if I could find out where the doctor’s office was in the building. I stumbled upon reviews. Sigh. SO MANY bad reviews. Apparently no one likes the doctor we were scheduled to see. I texted a friend who reassured me that he is an excellent doctor, but perhaps his bedside manner leaves a bit to be desired. I’m fine with that. I’d rather have a knowledgable doctor than a nice doctor who knows squat. Not everyone can be Dr. Guselle and do both 😉 So I decided to hope for the best!

We met Brady at a nearby Tim’s and left his van somewhere that it would’ve be towed, and drove together to the office downtown. We sat and had coffee together for a few minutes before I headed in with Ro. We went inside, checked the directory, and headed up the elevator to the second floor. I almost took him up the stairs like I always do myself, but decided against it for his sake, just in case it took a while and we had things to fill out once we got to the office.

But we didn’t! No forms, no nothing. The receptionist was very short and to the point, just asked for his health card and my name, and sent us through a maze of cubicles to a waiting room. Rowan was SO cute in the waiting room, asking to be tickled and giggling quietly. We waited maybe ten minutes before we were called back into an exam room, and less than five minutes before our doctor came in.

As had been suggested in the reviews I had read, the doctor was pretty short with us at first. He wouldn’t really look at us, and he asked what brought us there but didn’t seem to care about the answer. Once I had said my piece about how long this had been going on for and Rowan’s general history within the last year, he spoke up and said “You keep saying ‘he,” because…” I finished his sentence with “because he’s a boy, haha! He just has exceptionally long hair.” And he kind of cracked a smile and told me that the referral stated that he was a boy but that his receptionist had changed his gender to “female” when she had checked us in. I laughed and said that was fine, and that happened a lot. He brightened a little and reminisced about a photo he has of his son with very long hair, and how its probably the best picture they have of him 🙂 The whole situation seemed to be the ice breaker that we needed, and I am SO thankful for it!

He went on to check Rowan’s ears. He started on the left side and said it was clear. Then to the right. Same story. I was completely floored! I obviously didn’t hide it, because he said he would double check. I told him I believed him, but was just completely surprised. He said the right ear was completely clear, no issue whatsoever, and that he could see the left did have fluid in it at one point but that it wasn’t plugged anymore. I really couldn’t believe it and I apologized for wasting his time, but he reassured me that this happens quite often, and said that we could come back in if we ever had another suspicion, no referral needed. On his way out of the room, he said I should ask the receptionist to change his gender back to male, and chuckled to himself as he left.

What. A. Relief.

I got Rowan’s coat back on and took him back out to the front. I stopped at the front desk and the receptionist addressed us without looking up. “Do you guys need to book another appointment?” There were lots of other staff around and I didn’t want to embarrass her so I said quietly, “Actually, the doctor mentioned that Rowan’s gender was marked incorrectly on his chart.” Again, without looking at me, “Yes, I know, I changed it, its fine now.” I pushed a little and said “Yes, he mentioned you changed it to female, but he is actually male. He just has super long hair.”

That got her attention and she looked at me wide-eyed. “I’m SO sorry!!!” she sputtered. I laughed and reassured her that it happens all the time, and that I wasn’t offended at all. I mentioned that his hair is almost down to his waist these days, and its my fault for not cutting it, but I just love it too much. She was back-pedalling all over the place, trying to make friends with Rowan, apologizing, etc. I just had to laugh because, seriously, we are NOT offended when this happens! We know its because of his long hair! But I even asked him this morning if he wants a haircut yet, and he insists that he likes it the way it is! I’m definitely not going to force him to cut his hair, because I’m probably its biggest fan! But still, I felt bad that she felt so bad. But not too too bad 😉

So, long story long, Rowan’s ears are in the clear for the moment!! I’ve noticed in the recent past leading up to this appointment that he seems bit more clear. He’s less confused and isn’t as upset by loud noises like he was before. His speech has also been improving, and he’s starting to drop his lisp in some cases! Whether its his ears improving, or just development that comes with age, I’ll take it! I’m SO pleased with the answer that we got today, and the option to follow up without needing a referral in the future.

Going into today, I wanted the doctor to say one of two things. 1. His ears are completely clear! and 2. His ears are horrendous, and he needs tubes as soon as possible. I didn’t want any of the in between “Let’s give it another couple of months” garbage. I wanted an answer. And we got the best one! I’m SO relieved!! And I’m sure Rowan is, too. Though, let’s honest. He felt pretty important in those appointments 😉 I think he might miss them a little.

What a great way to close off his year of being two! This dude turns three tomorrow!!!

The last couple of days have felt SO celebratory! While no one has to give us anything, we have been showered with love and surprises recently.

A couple of days ago, a friend invited me over and let me sift through all of her maternity clothing, and take all I wanted. It was such an immense gift, and I am now bursting with maternity clothes! I have never had the variety before that I have now, and I’m SO excited about it! It was such a generous gift on her part, and I now feel super well set up! Thank you for blessing me in this pregnancy this way! I am so overwhelmed by it all.

Then, yesterday, I had two different people come to my house in the evening with gifts for baby Bambina. And I was just floored. I feel SO honoured that people are excited about our little baby, and are making a significant effort to reach out and celebrate her with us! I admit, sometimes our world feels pretty small, but other times I am amazed at how many people are anticipating our next child and loving on our family so well. Thank you both so much for your love and generosity for us, and for our baby girl! Once again, I am totally overwhelmed in the best way.

These days have been so exciting! And I want to clarify, they haven’t just been great because presents are fun. They have made my baby’s birth feel like it may actually happen at the right time, and that she may actually come home, and live here, and wear clothes, and need things, and need us! It feels more real, and possible. I can’t wait to throw a party when she comes home, and for all of you to finally meet her! What a day that will be!

Who’s gonna be there?? 🙋‍♀️

This may be a bit scattered but for some reason, I really want to write about it! Bear with me.

In the last little while, I’ve developed an affinity for graphic tees. Not all of them, but I find them a lot cuter than I used to. I own a couple, but not many. I occasionally duck onto the Zulily website and search “maternity graphic” just to daydream, lol! I love the “mama bear” shirts, or the one that says “We’re pregnant! Don’t worry, its on purpose.” It answers one of the most asked questions 😉 I like the “Here we grow again” one, or the “whats one more” one, too. I think a lot of my liking for these is that they put it right out there that I am THRILLED to have the little crew I have, and that I am grateful. I LOVE this particular sweater linked here, but sadly can’t justify the price 🙁 Its easily my favourite one, and I like to think that small things like these could make us women approachable and encouraging. What you put forward and put out there is so important, and while I am a chatty person (obviously) I can’t possibly reach out to everyone! I would love wear the message “You got this, Mama” on my chest, in hopes of boosting the spirits of women around me who happened to see it.

Last night, I had an annoying hour or so of wakefulness, and I finally gave up and pulled out my phone to waste some time. Since I’ve obviously been eyeing up graphic tees, Pinterest had a lot to show me, and I came across one that rubbed me SO wrong! Yikes! It was a diaper shirt for a little baby, and it said “Don’t check out my daddy. Mommy is psycho.” To each their own, of course, but I hated that!!! Its possible my sense of humour doesn’t line up well with the joke. I tend to be less on the side of humour thats making fun of people and more gentle, safe jokes. But I can’t imagine EVER buying that for a child of mine, and I would be so insulted if someone bought it for our family. It sends a crappy, offensive message and it really really bugged me. *shivers*

I guess it was just a reminder to me to be careful, and make sure I’m sending the message I want to send, regardless of how its done. There are some lovely shirts I’ve seen recently that say “Be beautiful. Be pregnant.” And while I agree that pregnancy is a beautiful thing, I am positive that those ones sting the women who would love to be pregnant but, for one reason or another, can’t be. Or I’m sure people who don’t want children could take offence, because pregnancy isn’t the only way to be beautiful! Its SO easy to offend everyone, and clearly, I’m also easily offended, because that little baby onesie really pissed me off! Its really hard to please everyone.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m trying to say, or how to wrap it up in a way that is concise or makes any sense, but it feels important to say. Pay attention to what you put forward. We can’t please everyone or be perfect, but we can put thought into what we do before we do it. Right?

Right.

How did we get here??? Twenty weeks feels like a HUGE milestone. I only realized, in the last few days, that I was officially entering the second half of my pregnancy! Last night, the apps we are following talked about how those first 20 weeks must’ve zoomed by. Lies. I feel like I’ve been pregnant for a year. And now another 20 weeks feels a bit daunting. But hey, we’ve made it this far. Here’s hoping we can make it the rest of the way! 🤞

Size Comparison: My app says the baby is the size of an endive this week. I don’t know about you, but I’m unfamiliar with endives. 🤷 I asked google, and it was suggested that the baby is about the length of a large banana. They predict the baby to be around 10″ long, which is HUGE! The measuring system has changed from measuring head to bum, and is measuring head to foot instead. Hence the sizeable jump in size. Its also ballparked that baby weighs roughly 10 oz. I can’t speak for that, as my next scan won’t be for another 1.5 weeks ish. 

Appointments: As I’ve mentioned, my appointments will be spaced further apart from now on. I’m SO thankful to have had the appointments and care I’ve had up to this point. Just think about it. On average, I’d have had maybe four appointments and one ultrasound so far. I’m not sure I could’ve handled that. I’m still not sure how well I’ll handle the monthly appointments, to be honest. I spoke to my doctor and student doctor about it, and they both reassured me that there would be no “cold turkey” anything, and Dr. Guselle confirmed that we would likely have another couple of ultrasounds along the way. I am SO appreciative of my care, and that my doctor has made my new student aware of my situation so I don’t have to hash anything too sorrowful out with him, or try to convince him of anything. She is on my side, and because of that, he sure seems to be, too. This all being said, I will be booking an ultrasound for mid to end of next week to get a closer look at the distal spine, as it wasn’t completely visible last time. 

How am I feeling emotionally: Well I WAS feeling pretty good, and pretty strong, and pretty hopeful. But a few nights ago, I had a very vivid dream reliving the whole experience of losing Jamin, from the doctors appointment where we couldn’t find the heartbeat, to the ultrasound confirming, back to the doctor, and then to the hospital. Through the night, and into the next morning, through delivery and all that came with that. Through those horrid uterine massages. Through giving my baby away. It was awful, and devastating, and stirred up all kinds of fears I thought were calmed for the moment. They’re baaaack! So its not been my smoothest week, but I’m trying to keep my head up.

How am I feeling physically: If you remember from last week, I was having some small relief from my pelvic pain, which was SO amazing! However, probably five days or so ago, out of nowhere, my pubic bone separated and left me with radiating pain down both legs and in my pelvic, obviously. Since that happened, I’ve not been able to fully “reset,” and thats been pretty frustrating. Seems like its time to get back in for another treatment, whether chiro or physio. I’m pretty discouraged, to be honest :/ These appointments add up quickly, and I really can’t function without them. Time is also a factor. I know, first world problems, right? I can’t perfectly easily use the resources that are available to be. *rolls eyes* I’ll stop complaining. Besides that whole thing, I have lots of braxton hicks contractions, which is to be expected, I suppose. It makes me feel old, haha! I get them when I walk up the stairs, or pick something up, or exert myself at all. Folks, this body remembers!! Lol!

Wish Lish/Purchases: Sigh. I bought a romper at Walmart. Its SO hard not to! But thats it! I’ve been good otherwise! I did start putting together a real wish list with regards to my pregnancy and Bambina, but sadly, most of it is suuuper unrealistic, haha! Long story short, out entire view on family has shifted in the last year, and we have some new plans and ideas, and with that, there are certain things that would just simply help streamline our life a little. But none of them are necessary, so they can (and will) wait. But its fun to dream! Maybe I’ll actually be a go-getter and try to get to that big SPOTTO sale in Saskatoon this year and get a few of the items second hand and hopefully cheap! Because NONE of them are things I could ask for as gifts, or things we can afford to just buy outright. I do, however, have my eye on a special book I’d like to buy her, and a few little baby items that I think I can justify. I hear a “rock n play” is the cats pyjamas, and would likely keep her from getting trampled once she comes home. I’ve heard from LOTS of parents with babies who have reflux that they are at juuust the right angle to help with that, so considering that most of our children have had reflux, it would be a smart purchase!

Pictures: I figured I should take a belly picture for you this morning. I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.

But mostly I’m sorry. I bought this tank top from Thyme Maternity probably a year or two ago, because in reality, I wear maternity clothes more than “normal” clothes. But this tank top definitely didn’t quite fit right without a belly. It has never had the pleasure of enrobing a belly before today, and I’m SO happy with how well it fits now! Some things just need a belly. I get it.

How are the kids feeling: As per usual, Bambina is heavily on the kids minds, especially Dekker and Laela. This week, it seems the two oldest kids have been thinking about it in different ways. Dekker has officially asked how we get babies. I thought we dodged this question the other day when he asked how they come out, but wasn’t concerned about how they got there in the first place. The conversation went something like this: 

Dekker: How do we get babies?
*Silence*
Dekker: (louder) How do we get babies??
Brady and I: Uuuuhhh… Haha!
Dekker: Whats funny?
Me: Its just a big question, thats all! Its great! A baby is made when Jesus takes a piece of mommy and a piece of daddy and puts them together, and it grows into a baby! Isn’t that great?
Dekker: Oh… I don’t understand. A piece of daddy?
Me: Yup! A piece of daddy goes into me, and it grows a baby.
Dekker: A piece of dadd? Then why is daddy still all full of skin?
Brady: Its a piece of me that you can’t see. Its from…inside.
Brady and I: (die laughing)

I feel like we’ve officially been broken in as parents. Finally.

Laela’s mind is whirring also, but in a different way. These days, I feel like she and I are more at odds than ever, but we have these occasional little soft moments where she tells me she loves me and wants to keep me forever and all kinds of little lovely squishy things like that. Yesterday, we were walking through an aisle of Superstore together and she said she wanted to keep me forever, and she grabbed my leg and said she hopes I don’t die. I got down to her level right away and tried to reassure her. She said she didn’t want to die either, or Bambina. I think my little girl is thinking a lot about the little babies who passed away. I think she’s scared. I’m glad she let me in on that 💜 I’m going to do what I can to help her on that one.

Getting to know the baby: My apps have been telling me recently that Bambina can hear sound and sense changes in light now. And I could be wrong about this, but I think its legit! When we’re laying in bed, she’ll start kicking a little, but if I open the blankets and expose my belly to the light, she stops. I’m not entirely sure why that would cause her to stop, but I’ve played with it and its pretty consistent! So if I try to let Brady feel for her, I have to leave the blankets the way they were when she started moving, otherwise she quits.

The BEST part of being pregnant: The coolest thing from this week was being able to see her move!!! Its still SO small, and pretty rare to see, but I’ve been able to see her poke at my belly a few times, and Brady’s even seen it a couple of times! On one hand, I picture this little girly who is kicking with all her might, through that placenta, so her parents can see her. She must be SO strong! And then on another hand, she produces these teeny little kicks, how big can she possibly be?? SO little!! Its kind of the “you’re so grown up but still so little” effect. You get it. 

Favourite thing: Don’t judge me. My favourite thing this week is pizza pops! Convenience food at its finest. They remind me SO MUCH of high school, when I worked at the concession and reaped the benefits of cheap, bad-for-you lunch. Yes, I am aware of the fact that they’re not healthy. They’re definitely a guilty pleasure item, and I recently found them on sale and justified buying a whole big box of them! I’m SO glad I did! Yum!

Well after wolfing two pizza pops down for lunch, I’ve been invited to run over to a friends house to shop through her maternity clothes! Win! Feels like a good way to celebrate 20 weeks! I still can’t believe we’re here…