Thank you to everyone who liked/commented on/reached out to me regarding yesterdays post. Its so cool to see so many people care about our family and the life of our little Bambino. Please continue to keep us in mind in the coming weeks. Before the end of the month, we’ll hopefully pass the stage of pregnancy at which we lost Jamin, and we will also cross over his due date all at the same time. I’m not sure how thats going to look but I’m already feeling heavy.

We’ve had a bit of a rough start this morning, but on with the day! Dekker is at school, Laela is at preschool, and I’m home with the little boys. We are finally warmed up, and Solly is getting the breakfast he slept through earlier this morning before we left for school. He is a SUPER happy camper now, and Rowan is happy to have the freedom to play with anything he wants. Its nice and quiet, and a cozy blog opportunity for me.

I’d love to hide inside for the rest of the day, but I’ll venture out again soon to pick Laela up from preschool. I’d better get used to this weather. I hear it’ll be upon us until Tuesday at least. Oy, it is COLD today. My patient little bunch sat in our van for over a half hour this morning and it never fully warmed up. I could audibly hear the kids shivering away. Hopefully there is still SOME residual heat from the morning when I go to restart the van in an hour or so. Brrrrr!!

I have no big commitments today, but I have a card to write, a bed to make, and I have to make a plan for Sunday morning. Brady and I are part of worship leading this Sunday, but my parents aren’t around to watch the kids this time! We’ve got it mostly organized except during morning sound check practice. I have to figure that out as soon as possible, because thats usually the time that the kids get up and have breakfast, haha! Maybe they’ll have to come eat Cheerios in their jammies at church… 😉 Probably I can come up with something a bit more conventional than that, haha!

So, a low key day. I think I’ll finally relax when Laela is back from preschool and I can be inside again. The dread of outside is real!

Stay warm today, friends! And again, many thanks for your love and support for our family. It means more than you can understand.

I get so extra nervous the day before I have an appointment. My subconscious seems to be expecting us to show up to the appointment and discover that the baby has passed. While I have no reason to think anything is out of place with the baby, I didn’t last time either. Its all pretty tricky, but I’m trying to roll with it all as gracefully as possible. Full disclosure, the “graceful” part isn’t working even a little bit, but I haven’t stopped trying to be less of a basket case.

Last night, I began to grow nervous of my ultrasound the next day. After much deliberation, I pulled out my trusty doppler and went on the hunt for some reassurance. And I found it fairly quickly, thank goodness. As soon as I located the baby’s little heartbeat, the baby kicked the doppler good and proper (its a very specific sound) and swam away. I chased it down for a minute or two before I felt better, and then put it all away. It helped my heart immensely.

We dropped Dekker off at school this morning as a family, and the rest of us drove to the city for my ultrasound. We listened to the soundtrack for “The Greatest Showman” and after my favorite song played, Solly exclaimed “Oh Ya!” He is so so cute. The kids are so familiar with our clinic now, so they found some toys in the waiting room, and Solly stood suspiciously in front of the door that leads us to the back exam rooms, anticipating our turn. When it finally was, our tech called us back and greeted all the kids very warmly. She told us right away that she’d put her Christmas gift from us (fuzzy slipper socks) to good use in the last couple of weeks, which was so sweet to hear 🙂 But it just got better from there, as we scanned over the baby and once again, saw it move around and kick. We got to see SO much! The heart, kidneys, bladder, lungs, etc. Its just so amazing how much changes in such a short time! Baby finally has a weight today of 3 oz, and measures about 8.5 cms from head to butt. Jamin measured about 14w3d when he was born, and today, I’m 14w2d. Its a bit close to home, but its actually been interesting for me to know some details about this baby. Jamin weighed 60 g and Bambino weighs about 85 g. Bambino is 8.5 cms but that doesn’t include his legs. Jamin was 13.5 cms, so maybe they’re close in height too? All babies and pregnancies are different, obviously, but you can’t help but wonder, right?

Baby was in a bit of a funny, more squished position, so our tech couldn’t get any great full body profile shots, but I’ll take what I can get <3

Still a good little face!

We got our cute little pictures and headed off to the next stop. Brady had to get some fasteners, and then we needed diapers and wipes, so two stops. While Brady was in getting his framing nails, I looked back and saw this.

I think the last time there were cookies in the van was maybe when we looked at Christmas lights that one night? Maybe?? Either way, ew. But he was clearly happy, so I let it happen. But the sugar was grossly unhelpful, and no less than twenty minutes later, he was dozing.

We listened to good music the whole drive home, though Rowan did throw out one request for “the dingle balls song.” 😳 Jingle bells, I figured out later. Weirdo, lol!

We’re home now, and I’m just chilled through and through! The kids are all napping, and Brady had to drive to the city for literally ten minutes of work 😩 So I’m up in bed, desperately trying to warm up! I’m dressed warm, coffee and a hot lunch didn’t do it, so I’m not sure what my next step is 🤷 I guess we’ll see how desperate I get! First, blog. Then, YouTube. And then we’ll see where I end up. But it had better be indoors!!!

I hope you’ve all had some positivity today! Sure makes these grey days just that much easier.

Its felt like an incredibly busy day. I’ve been running for what feels like all day. Its been productive but I am wiped out! I can finally take a break to blog, while resting my body 🙂

I started the morning off by taking Dekker to school. The weather has lifted a little since out -50 Christmas holidays, so it feels nice out. I made it home pretty quickly and threw back half a cup of coffee before taking Laela to preschool. I was a parent helper there this morning, so I stayed at preschool with her for a couple of hours. Laela does very well at preschool, but she’s always a tiny bit hesitant to go in at the beginning. She was thrilled that I was staying today, which was very good for my mama heart. Our relationship is a bit strained these days, so to have her want me around, and to come hug me between activities was so special! We had a nice morning with the other kids, and drove home right in time for lunch.

About halfway through the morning, I realized that not only had I not eaten, but I had forgotten to take diclectin! Ack! No good. So I was relieved to sit at the island for a few minutes and finish my coffee, while eating some leftover perogies. Yum!

I barely ate lunch and used the bathroom before I was out the door again and to the city. I went to my chiropractor this afternoon for the first time in almost a year! With it having been such a long time, my lower back is in a LOT of pain and developing angry misalignment bumps. It was time. So I went in, and I swear he didn’t recognize me right away. We caught up a bit, and I had to tell him about our difficult year last year. I was nervous to go through it all with him, because I tend to cry a bit easier when I’m recounting our losses for people who don’t know about them to begin with. He was very compassionate, and I didn’t cry, which was HUGE for me. Once history had been hashed out, he treated my aching body. It was a lot, and I’m feeling pretty drained from it, but it felt really good to be back in place. Whew!

I went straight to Costco from chiro, and did a nice big shop. I FINALLY remembered to get a few things that I almost always forget, so the list is wiped pretty clean, which always feels good. Pushing that heavy cart didn’t feel great on my angry back, but what can you do? I packed my groceries into our bus and drove home with the soundtrack to “The Greatest Showman” blasting in my van. Seriously, if you have the opportunity to see that movie, SEE IT. Life changing stuff.

I made it home at 2:30, and took a load off while Brady unpacked the groceries. He, Laela, and I took a quick cookie break at the island. The little boys were still napping. But shortly before 3:00, I was out again, getting the mail before going to pick Dekker up from school. Lucky for me, Dekker was in a super happy mood, and was a good little buddy as we walked together to the van. He was so bundled, which was right, because its winter, and we’ve had freezing rain all afternoon, but he was just a sweaty mess when I got him, and I got to hold his hot little hand all the way to the bus. I love him <3

Since getting home, I’ve taken off my jeans and crawled into bed, haha! Don’t judge me, you’re jealous. I need to rest my sore body, and take a little break. And eat!! This whole “skipping a diclectin” business only works when I snack a lot, and I just haven’t had the chance today!

We have a nice low key evening ahead. A friend is dropping by to pick songs with us for leading music on Sunday, but we’ll just chill in the living room together and leaf through our big music binder. I’m anticipating that, and then a soak, because ooooouch!!!

Happy Tuesday, friends!

We’re back!! I’m sad it took me so long to start this series, but last week felt great, and I’m happy to get another shot at a blog series depicting a pregnancy! I know not everyone is able to carry a pregnancy, and no one is entitled to have a baby. Trust me, I know this. And I am SO grateful to be able to carry this baby, for every day I am able. I saw someone ask a question the other day online that really motivated me to put my best foot forward in this situation. She asked the mothers who were currently pregnant after a loss how they felt about the next year. Did they feel anxious, or hopeful? Obviously, I feel both. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. BUT, I want to focus on HOPE, because I want my Bambino to be born to a family who has celebrated them all along the way, and has been excitedly anticipating their arrival, rather than living in fear and dread and expecting the worst end result. I want my heart open. You’ve heard me wonder many times whether one can protect their heart while leaving it open, and for me at least, I just don’t think I can. Maybe, in this case, it has to be all or nothing. I am not ignorant to what could happen. No siree. I am far too aware of what losing a baby would feel like. But I want to celebrate with no inhibitions. I want my baby born into hands that have been itching to hold them, not hands that are fearful and shaky and weary. I don’t know, guys. Goals. Lots rolling around in my mind these days. Let’s dive in.

Size comparison: I struggled (not seriously) with this weeks size comparison last time around, too, because the app I like to follow for this particular information says the baby is the size of a house mouse 🤮 I am NOT a fan of mice. It also suggests a beet, but I feel like beets vary in size, and I also don’t like them. And I REALLY like this baby ❤️ So I did a quick google search and was told the baby was approximately the size of a lemons. And I really like lemons! So I’ll take it. Roughly 3.5”, apparently. I have an ultrasound later this week so maybe I’ll be able to tell you the size more accurately in a few days. But this is the best I know for now! Lemon baby.

Appointments: I saw Dr. Guselle last week Thursday, on the 4th. As I said last time around, I’ll be seeing her every other week, and on the alternating weeks, I’ll go for ultrasounds. Its all just surviving the upcoming weeks until I can start feeling movement, and then some of this will slow down. As long as I can hack it, which I really hope I can.

How am I feeling emotionally: On one level, I feel really good. I hesitate to mention it because I know its controversial, but I have home doppler for listening for baby’s heartbeat. Now I KNOW it could get sketchy if one day I can’t find it, and then I panic and insist on seeing a doctor, and all of that. Trust me, I KNOW this. Thats why I’ve been so hesitant to bring it out. That being said, I bit the bullet and tried it out the other day, and was able to find baby’s heartbeat right away!! I followed the baby as it floated across my abdomen, and just breathed it in. It was a huge relief, and my emotions could lift a little. But, real talk. These coming weeks are big and scary in my heart. I was 16.5 weeks along when I found out Jamin had passed away, but he measured 14.5 weeks. Now, without getting too “icky,” that doesn’t mean thats exactly when he passed. Its entirely likely he died a bit later than 14.5 weeks, but got a bit smaller over time. Ugh. I hate thinking about this kind of thing so logically, but thats just where I am. All of this being said, I’m not sure I’ll breathe much easier until we are fully past the point where we lost him, found out he was gone, etc. I want to see/hear him at 14.5 weeks, and very much at 16. 5 weeks too. I know there are never any guarantees, but passing that milestone feels big. Frankly, all the weeks feel like milestones that we’re trying to prevail through. These ones just feel particularly heavy.

How am I feeling physically: My nausea is well on its way out!! For at least a week, I’ve been forgetting to take my afternoon diclectin, with no real backlash!! If I don’t eat well in the day, I do feel sick by the end of it, but its well within my control. I think I’ll go another week or so without afternoon meds and then start weening off the rest. Woot! Besides my nausea, my pelvic pain and reflux still mean business, but I’ve been stubborn about not calling my physiotherapist, almost like its admitting defeat. My doctor asked me last week if I had been in touch with her yet, and I said I hadn’t, and that I was just too angsty. She laughed at me and said “Well, that’ll show ‘em…” and she’s totally right. I have it written down to make that call today. And to possibly see my chiro in the meantime, because my lower back is piiiiissed.

Wish List/Purchases: I was online shopping a bit with baby in mind over the last couple of days. But that’ll be more fun when we find out the gender, so I’m holding off 🙂 The things that are actually more necessary to purchase are a bit bigger, and I’m pretty gun shy on them :/ So they’re on hold for now.

Pictures: I’ve been doing this picture thing all wrong, haha! I posted a belly picture a few days ago. I’ll get better at it, I promise! I just haven’t felt totally confident with how things are looking just yet. I’m looking forward to my belly being tighter/harder with baby, and less soft and squishy, lol!

How are the kids feeling: If you remember, we’ve watched “Storks” with the kids a couple of times recently. Dekker verbalized his feelings so clearly to me by pointing out why he said he loved the movie. “I love that everyone that wants a baby gets one. They just…get one! I hope we get one too. Except storks don’t actually bring them…” The thoughts went on from there, but I love how his heart wants our family to grow, too. As an aside, my doctor asked how the kids were feeling about me being pregnant again, and she complimented us on talking to them about our losses, and how healthy it is to let them learn to grieve with us, and then get excited with us, too. That was so encouraging to me and my mama heart. I like that my doctor cares about more than just the general physical health of the baby in my womb, but the emotional health and stability of my entire family. She wins every prize.

Get to know the new baby: Our baby is not a fan of being poked with the doppler 🙂 Not in an angry way, but they always swim away from it. Any time we’ve found it (whether myself or Dr. Guselle) baby is actively trying to get away from it. Maybe baby isn’t put off by being poked, but is rather just super duper busy in there! Bambino has never been sleeping or still during an ultrasound either. Since they were old enough to move, they have been! When the baby was basically a stump with legs, those legs were bouncing. I like to think the baby is really active and excited. I cannot wait to feel those kicks and bounces myself. Remind me of these things when I’m aching from being kicked in the ribs day in and day out 😉

Best part of being pregnant: Easily, the most exciting part of being pregnant this week was finding the heartbeat on my home doppler! We took a video of it to remember it, and I wanted so badly to post it on Facebook and Instagram, but I didn’t want to deal with the inevitable nay-sayers, haha! Maybe I’ll finally put it on YouTube and put it on here another time, so only you guys would know it was there 😉 We’ll see. But that was the BEST part of being pregnant this week, hands down.

Baby item recommendation/favorite thing: I could talk about a lot of things that are favourites of mine recently! I’m STOKED about our new diaper pail, but I already kind of gushed about that the other day. Seriously though, Ubbi diaper pail ALL the way! But I think my favourite for today is obvious. Its my doppler! This is NOT me saying everyone should get one of these, because it might not be smart for everyone to have one. Do your research, and make sure you wouldn’t become a crazy person with it 😉 My advice, anyway. I bought mine back to celebrate our fifth pregnancy the first time I got pregnant with our fifth, meaning I bought it right towards the end of 2016, before I lost anyone. Probably, if I didn’t already have it, I wouldn’t buy one now. Because, anxiety. But, I have it, and used it like the day after an appointment, so I was confident in the heartbeat being there, and it was. I think I will only use it at times like that, like the day before or after an ultrasound or appointment, just to keep my heart safe. But the details are, I got this thing for dirt cheap off of AliExpress, and it works really really well!! Like it doesn’t feel like junk. If you were to hypothetically get one for yourself, the resale value is there 🙂 Just saying. Lots of people are on the hunt for these things, and they’re hard to find locally.

When you’ve gone through nervous times, what have you done to curb your anxiety? Care to share any solid coping mechanisms with this nervous Nancy over here? I try to be as self aware as possible, which helps me a lot. That way, I don’t bottle anything too long, and therefore I don’t usually explode in panic. Besides that, writing blogs is therapeutic for me 🙂 And to take control of my awful biting/picking/finger destroying habits, I’ve started to get my nails done, and that has been amazing!! Not only do I not bite and rip at my fingers anymore, but its way harder to pick at other places on my body, like scratches, zits, or ingrown hairs. I am in far less physical pain, and that has been a huge relief! What do you guys do to keep yourself in control when you find yourself easily falling out of control?

School is about to start back up! I can’t believe it! Its been a beautiful stretch of sleeping late, eating special food, snuggling with the kids a lot, and taking it easier in general. I have thoroughly enjoyed the two week stretch of fewer responsibilities and less deadlines, it will be good to get back into the swing of real life.

As my nausea lifts, I’m less of a zombie and therefore, haven’t been sleeping as deeply. With my schedule so backwards with being on holidays, I anticipate I’ll be pretty wiped in the beginning, getting the kids up shortly after 7:00 each day, but I hope that will help me sleep better at night! Thinking of the kids, I think they’ll be excited to get back into their usual routine of school, preschool, and kids club. Routine is a beautiful thing, even though we have loved the freedom to do what we want, whether its fun outings, morning movies, etc. I won’t complain about either option.

Tomorrow, Dekker will go off to school and I’ll take the other kids with me to spend the day at my moms. Brady will be home, spending another day framing our basement, hopefully coming to the end of finishing that up!! There’s not too terribly much left to do, and all the material is there, so we’ll see how it ends up. I’m so excited to have another framing day over here! One day closer to a finished basement 🙂 Our timeline for the basement has been pushed back so many times, for lots of reasons, but I would LOVE to have it finished in 2018. Eventually, we’re going to need the extra bedrooms, haha! But likely not for a while 😉 Its just getting a touch tight upstairs here…

We were going to try and duck out to the walking tour of the Enchanted Forest Christmas Lights Tour tonight, but I just know it would end up being a late night, and I don’t want to do that to Dekker’s teacher the night before he goes back to school! I imagine thats a pretty crazy day for everyone regardless!! A low key evening it is 🙂 Reality starts tomorrow.

Its a strange day around here. We’re putting away the Christmas tree, for one thing. We’re probably considered late to that game, but we love having our tree up, as do the kids. Its festive and happy. But, its January, so its time.

That being said, we can’t fathom taking down all of Christmas yet, so we’re leaving the trees above our cabinets up, and ALL the lights! We’re just suckers for Christmas, and twinkly lights, and pretty things. And its not even just me! Brady is more determined to keep the trees up for a while longer because “they’re wintery, not necessarily Christmasy.” I’m on board with that. And an apology to our neighbours, but our outdoor lights stay up year round, and will probably still be on in the evenings. Old habits die hard. We LOVE our outdoor lights.

As we were making plans to take the tree down, we realized we still have gifts under it!! With picking names between our kids and their nieces and nephews, and then amongst ourselves and siblings, we have a few gifts left to give! Its just been a crazy season and we haven’t connected with everyone yet! Whoops! So it might be a day to drive some gifts to their rightful owners, or at least very soon! It feels a little bit backwards to put Christmas stuff away while there are still presents to hand out.

We spent the morning being productive as well, finally moving the clothes that are too small for Rowan into Solly’s closet, putting Solly’s little clothes away, and getting the 3T tub out for Rowan. The little boys finally fit their clothes!! And can I say that I LOVE that Ro and Solly are just one size apart? Its SO easy, and cute. Ro is chunkier than Solly, but Solly is so stinking tall, it kind of evens out. So, that got taken care of, to the background music of “The Greatest Showman.” Oh. My. Goodness. What a powerful movie!! If you’re pro-musical, I highly recommend it! I’ll leave you with a little live “practice,” since I can’t get any real song clips off of YouTube. I’ve been listening to it all morning, and that will likely continue throughout the day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLFEvHWD_NE

Crazy, crazy stuff. Good music adds SO MUCH to the day!

Wish us luck taking down Christmas!

I mentioned it briefly the other day, but in case you missed it, I have a list of movies that I watch it every pregnancy! Perhaps I’m the only person who has one of these. Just me? Cool. I have a very loving, tolerant husband who will watch chick flicks with me if I ask, but being pregnant is my excuse to watch all of the sappy, baby-having movies that I want, and he endures them with me 🙂

I have happy memories of staying at our little rental cabin. Brady and I spent a lot of time in the basement, assembling the cabinets for our new house, watching through my pregnant movies. We were actually going through a bit of a rocky stretch of our marriage at that time, with a decent amount of silence and apologies. Yet I still remember it as a somewhat happy time, because we had our lighthearted movies playing, we were working together, and getting excited about our new house and our baby together. There was definitely love there, still.

However, I believe that was the last time we watched pregnant movies. I’m excited to crack them out again when I’m feeling a little bit more ballsy. I thought it would be fun to share the list though, in case anyone wanted to get excited about babies with me!

In no particular order…

Storks

In case you had missed it, I am SO smitten with this movie right now, and kids movie or not, it was quickly added to my list of pregnant movies. Not that anyone is pregnant in it, but its about uniting children with their families, and its just so heartwarming. And let’s be real. I LOVE that the babies have multicolored hair. I wish they actually came that way, because I’m pretty sure it would be frowned upon if I colored my infants hair…

Juno

So some people really boycotted this movie when it came out, saying it encouraged teenaged pregnancy. It is centred around a teenaged pregnancy, yes, but I personally wouldn’t say it glamourizes it at all. Its not a super deep movie, and I probably like it more for the music and Michael Cera. Its not perfect, but definitely a movie that can play in the background and I enjoy it anytime I pay attention to it.

Baby Mama

I feel like this movie happened and just got passed over by most as another comedy added to the pile, but I have always found this movie hilarious. It stars Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, so already, you have that going for you. I find it super quotable and hilarious. Quite lighthearted, too, and when conflict does arise, its always rectified pretty quickly and easily. Its definitely not a serious movie, but its an easy watch, which seems to be kind of a prerequisite for me when it comes to baby movies.

Three Men and a Baby/Three Men and a Little Lady

These ones will take you back, haha! The first is about three men who share a huge apartment and lead busy lives who suddenly have a baby left on their doorstep. Its pretty charming to watch them struggle through the motions of figuring out a baby for the first time ever, only to have her mother show up suddenly and want to take her back. The sequel goes on with the story, with the little girl being a bit older. Its less of a “baby” movie, obviously, but if you’re watching one, you can’t not watch the other!

What to Expect when You’re Expecting

This movie is worlds apart better than the book, so if you hated the book and haven’t seen the movie, I strongly encourage it!! This is probably my favorite of all the pregnant movies on my list. It follows a handful of stories of people building their families in all different ways. Its actually very well done, in my opinion, with a hilarious cast and a lot of relatable content for those of us who already have kids. The very best part is probably the group of dads that get together weekly and just talk family. I LOVE a movie that jokes about the stereotypical trials of having kids, but will still confidently say that they wouldn’t have their lives any other way. “I love my kid so much, I’m afraid I’m going to eat him.” Thats how I feel, too 🙂 It is SUCH a heartwarming movie, with lots of humor and emotion in it, too.

Away We Go

This is the  movie I almost forget about, but then am SO relieved when I remember it, because it is just so beautiful. The lead characters are John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph, both of whom I really enjoy watching! Its a bit of a quieter movie, where the couple struggles to root somewhere, and figure out where to build their life with the baby they’re carrying. Some of this movie is sad and hard, but no one said trying to have kids was easy. I really love the beauty in this movie, as its less “Hollywood” than the others on the list. Be a little bit warned, though, the first scene isn’t kid-friendly at all, and does not depict the tone of the rest of the movie!

***

Ok guys, I believe thats it for my list!! I always found time to watch the movie “Babies” on Netflix, too, but its no longer on there :/ Too bad. Lucky for me, I love the list I still have 🙂 Do you have any to add? I’d love to know what I’ve forgotten! We all know pregnancy brain cannot be trusted…

I’m not sure if I added what I got for Christmas to our present report, but I got Curlformers! They’re these cool curlers that are already in a spiral, and you pull your hair through it and sleep/wait/whatever you want to do until you pull them out and you have these beautiful curls without damaging your hair with heat! I’ve been eyeing them for a couple of years already, and I finally got them for Christmas!!

I put them in last night with my hair damp from a shower, as directed. I know. I looked great.

Sooooo stylish. I threw a shower cap on in hopes of keeping them all contained and being able to sleep.

Lesson one. That was a mistake.

Sleeping was tricky. Because I wanted the loosest curls possible, the curlers were wider, and remained fairly structured, to maintain the round curl. It all makes sense, but they weren’t soft, and didn’t compress well when I lay down. It was a weird, crunchy sleep, and I could NOT have handled it if not for the shaved side of my head! At least I could sleep on that! But with my sore pelvis and legs, I roll over a LOT, and couldn’t really sleep on my right side worth anything. So it was tricky.

Upon waking up for the day, I took out my curlformers and my hair was actually looking beautiful! Until I reached the few that were at the very crown of my head. They were the most covered and contained by the shower cap, and as I’m sure you could guess (but I didn’t have the foresight to see) they were still quite wet. And WOW were they not kidding that they HAVE to be completely dry to work. The dry curls were gorgeous and bouncy, but the slightly damp ones were just nothing. Not curled whatsoever. Just hangy hunks of wet hair. It couldn’t be saved, as I had somewhere to be, so we ended with a messy bun. Which is fine, really. It works, too. And it got me to take a belly picture, so that finally happened.

Not the result I hope for from future use of these curlformers, BUT I have two solutions I’m thinking I’ll try again soon!

Solution one: I’ll find some kind of cotton, breathable cap to wear over them while I sleep. That way there would be a better chance of my hair still drying, or the cap maybe even absorbing some of the water away. Might be softer to sleep on too than a crunchy plastic cap.

Solution two: I might fare better putting them in after a morning shower and having pretty curls for the evening. I’m happy to have them loose and soft, so even second day (or let’s be real, third day) waves would be more than enough for me!

I’m sure one (or both) of these solutions will be helpful soon 🙂 Because the ones that worked REALLY worked, and were so so pretty! But I felt decently pretty and put together when I was out and about this afternoon, doing a quick grocery shop and meeting with my doctor. As a side note, the baby is alive and well 🙂 The heartbeat was easy to find, had a really good speed to it, and my measurements showed my uterus continuing to grow! Win for today, for sure.

I’m heading out again soon to go on a date with Jerilee, which I’m super looking forward to. So far the day has been pretty great, and it appears it will continue to be that way! I hope you’re all enjoying the day, too. The last few days of Christmas break!! Crazy that school is about to start up again!

I’ve had a super happy morning! Brady and I had breakfast in bed before the kids got up this morning, for one thing, and we had another cozy movie morning where we watched “Storks” again, because it is just so so cute. I’m a big cheeseball, and the premise of the movie just gets me. Getting babies where they belong, putting families together, whether conventional or unconventional. Its possible I like this movie even more than my kids do 🤔

In the midst of my happy morning, the devil is trying to take my joy away and make me nervous. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, just for the purpose of listening for the baby’s heartbeat. Thats really what most of my appointments will be for a while, and I’m ok with that. But its the day before, and that itching feeling is surfacing. The feeling that my baby will be gone tomorrow. I’m approaching the point in time that we lost Jamin, and when I’m FINALLY feeling some rest and joy and peace, my anxiety is creeping up. I refuse to let that happen and ruin my day into, working me up until tomorrows appointment. Because tomorrow, regardless of the outcome, will worry about itself. If the baby is going to be gone, then thats just what it will be. It is 100% out of my hands. Giving this to God day after day is tough, but its also the absolute ONLY way to peace. So! Instead of spending my day fearful of tomorrow, let’s focus on happy stuff! I easily came up with five things that I’ve been enjoying recently, and thought I’d share them with you guys!! Let’s lift up this post a bit, and the day, too.

Truth be told, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed blogging over the last few days. The breakdown of 2017 post took me about three hours to assemble and post, but I am very happy with the outcome. It felt cleansing to look at every part of the year, and see that fun times were had in between the hard times. I started my series a couple of days ago as well, which feels like a milestone that I’m happy to have reached! And yesterday, I posted about my intentions for the upcoming year. And guys, your feedback has been SO encouraging!!! Whether in comments on here, on Facebook, private Facebook messages, or texts, many of you have reached out to me in the last few days and have responded to the posts in a positive way. Thank you SO MUCH for contacting me and encouraging me this way! You don’t know how special it is, and I’m not going to be able to express it fully on here. But I love it. Its been a GREAT few days of blogging for me!

Something I’m probably a bit too excited about today is an order we received from Amazon today. This is a lame parent thing, so bear with me. We got a new diaper pail!! Our diaper genie was fine, but it was SO stinky and the plastic just absorbed the stench and was virtually unfixable. Trust me, we bleached the heck out of that thing to no avail. It just stunk. Finally, the pedal that opened it broke. We fashioned a very fashionable handle out of masking tape, but just with the way the thing operated, as soon as it was event remotely full, the lid would just snap and get stuck open, which made it stink even worst. Whatever. Its over now. Our new diaper pail is powder coated steel, so it shouldn’t absorb the smell the way the plastic one did. It also opens with a quick sliding door on the top, so less air can sneak out when you drop a diaper in. Aaaaand it even has a child lock, so if our kids get too interested in it, we can lock it up! Best of all, we can use the same kitchen catcher garbage buys that we buy for everything out of Costco! No more expensive diaper genie refills for us! I’m far too stoked about this diaper pail…

 

Ok, thing number three!! I am LOVING that my kids are practicing school stuff without me making them!!! Dekker regularly tries to write out a sentence, or everyone’s names, or something similar to that, and then he brings it to us to show it off and see if he made any mistakes. Most of the time now, the pictures he draws are accompanied by a sentence or two. He claims that steps it up to an “art project,” not just a picture 😉 Its SO cute. And because he’s on this kick of learning and practicing, so is Laela!! Today, I saw her trying to write out her alphabet. Don’t mind the H in the beginning, it seemed like she was looping back around. But she did pretty good for just working on it all by herself, with NO outside help!!

I love the letters that are backwards and upside down! 💜 I wish that kind of thing never ended! Or that it stuck around juuust long enough that its still cute but not a problem… You get my drift. I know you do.

Another thing I’m really enjoying is my new hair! ☺️ Its a bit weird to say I don’t actually have a good picture of it, but its the truth, and I’m too greasy to just snap one now, so you’re going to have to trust me! Its pink and orange, with purple at the roots, and a few tiny little strands of yellow throughout. Its amaaazing!! You might think it sounds a bit mismatched, and like pink and orange wouldn’t look good together, but it really does! All together, it almost looks coppery, but at close range, the colors are definitely separate and vibrant and awesome! Its probably the craziest I’ve ever gone with my hair, but I super love it!

The last thing I’ll talk about on here today is that I started saving blog posts again today! Lots of you guys know I started saving these a while back and printed them off in book form, just the one copy for myself, so I can have them for years and generations to come. I had begun saving 2017, but getting through the posts about losing Theo in January had been difficult for me, and had kind of halted progress. Well today, I broke back into it. I didn’t do a ton, but I went through and saved every single picture until the end of June, which will finish off a book. (The books go from Jan-Jun, and Jul-Dec.) It seems that, when I got my iPhone 6s in late 2016, it sized all the pictures up, and they’re too big for the books now. So its a hassle when I do save posts, to have to resize every single picture first. But this way, I have months of photos saved, and I can resize them ALL in way fewer steps. One at a time was awful, but resizing ALL portrait style, and then ALL landscape style is SO much better! So I’ve saved future Hailey a lot of time. Going through all of the pictures from those months was so nice 🙂 Seeing our first trip to Waskesiu, starting my first ever series, “Expecting the Best,” Solly’s birthday, etc. It was uplifting to look through it all. It makes me thankful for the life I have, and also thankful that I’ve been able to save all of these posts!! Honestly, even if no one else ever reads them, I feel happy to have made them up to this point. It feels like an accomplishment, somehow, even if its just for me.

There you have it! Five things that have been making me happy and uplifted! Care to share a couple of your own? I’d love to know what you’ve been enjoying recently!

Its a popular topic of conversation these days, yet I feel like a solid 85% of people hate the conversation and roll their eyes over it. New Years resolutions. I’m also an eye-roller in this case, because I think you can set a goal anytime, and who cares what day in what month it is? But, its not unnatural for people to be thinking “fresh start” in the beginning of a new year. So let’s talk about it.

I looked back on my resolutions last year, and let’s be real. I tanked it hard in 2017. I declared a few small resolutions on January 10th, and six days later, I found out our baby had died. It was a rough start, and the year really never got easier. Not to say you can’t strive for greatness in the midst of trials, because you can. But its stinking HARD!! So not that it cannot be done, but I did not succeed with my goals.

I watched a new years video on YouTube, and the couple kept referring to their New Years “intentions.” I like that SO much better!! Its just a different word, but its much more my speed. “Hopes” might be that much more accurate, but I’m going with intentions for now, because I think a BIG chunk of being successful is being intentional! These are all things I naturally want to do this year, nothing that I’m really forcing, but still. My intentions.

My first intention is very practical. We have not done a weekly savings plan the last two years. For those that don’t know, for a while, I saved a certain amount of money in a jar each week with the goal to have between $1000-$1500 by November 1. I paid for ALL of Christmas out of that money. December tends to be a month where many feel extra broke, and it was always such a relief to just have Christmas paid for in advance! This year, we intend to implement this plan again! We’re going to change it from the traditional online “weekly savings plan” and instead, put aside a flat $30 per week. There are 44 weeks from now to the first days of November, and we’ll have over $1300. That will take care of Christmas gifts for ourselves, our widespread family, and friends, special food, any new decor, family activities, etc. I’m stoked to get back on this plan 🙂

Another thing I intend to do is improve my blog game. Sometimes I dream bigger for this whole thing. Not too big, but a bit bigger. Its a lot to hash out, and I won’t do it here now. But I want to be more intentional (see??) about my posts. I already have some help with this for the first half of the year, because I have my series that I hope very much to continue writing into July, so there’s some structure there beyond just what we did that day. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either! But sometimes its good to have a specific topic to talk about that isn’t mundane. I’m thinking, if I keep a series going, and maybe have another weekday planned more specifically, even that alone would help! Just some planning, and putting a bit more thought into what I have to say that day. I’m feeling like Mondays and Fridays would be great days to post planned, most intentional posts. And hopefully, that just gets more natural the more I do it, and they will all start to improve a little! I hope so!

Lastly, I hope to stay a tad bit more organized and less frantic with busyness. This one branches out in a lot of different directions. I think part of what makes busyness difficult for me is my anxiety and the fact that my brain is ALWAYS rushing. A totally regular home day over here is still busy. I love our busyness. Thats just how our life is, but sometimes, with that, I find extras overwhelming. I don’t in any way plan to overdo it, or push myself too far the other way, but I need to be able to roll with the punches a little bit better and smoother. I FINALLY found a way to organize my days in the form of a planner!! You guys know how long I’ve been in search of the PERFECT planner, and I finally have it. Don’t laugh. I literally run my days out of an appointment book. My days are broken out in 15 minute increments. It keeps me sane and alive, and I’m hoping that, with a working system like that, I should be able to handle a little bit more and accomplish a little bit more.

You can very likely see through this post that my intentions aren’t deep and personal. Those goals do exist, but they’re my “always” goals, not my new years goals. And frankly, if you know me, you know them. I hope to manage my anxiety better this year. I hope to be more hospitable and helpful to people this year. I hope to smile more and yell less. Yada yada yada. You know the drill. I desire to be better, but that doesn’t ever stop.

I really hope to bring a baby home this year, in July. I can’t resolve that I will, or even say I “intend” to. But I hope to, so so much.