I wanted to try and post before the day got too real. I’m going to do everything I can to put on a happy dace today, because while I know I don’t have to fake how I’m feeling, or make excuses for my grief, it is my beautiful Dekker Thomas’s sixth birthday!

Sigh. My son. Isn’t he amazing? I feel like I find myself bragging him up most days. He has grown this year in such a beautiful way.

Being five was big for Dekker. He started school, and gained the confidence there that I’ve been eagerly anticipating for so long. He is a leader, which I always knew was in there, but its been so exciting watching that part of him come forward as he made friends and learned new things.

At the age of five, Dekker also accepted Jesus into his life. Jesus is very much part of our life, but he has only further understood the concept of salvation and what it means to follow Jesus. I am SO thankful he wants to follow the Lord in his life. It has gone far beyond praying “the prayer” and has moved into his regular daily life. I’m sad that so much talk of Heaven has likely been one of his biggest learning resources, but beautiful things can come from awful experiences, and this is one of those things.

Five was great, wasn’t it, Dekker? I hope six is even better! Hopefully the very best one yet! I love watching you grow and change and learn, and I pray for you every single day. Thank you for your constant reminders of your love for me, and your encouragement for the future. I hope I make you feel even more loved and encouraged!!

I love you, Dekker. Thank you for being exactly who you are!! 💙

I just want to hide out. I want to quit blogging, among other things. But I fear that, if I take a break, I’ll never be back. So bear with me through this time of sorrowing out in public, putting all the ugly out there.

Thank you all for your beautiful support and love on yesterday’s post. The amount of comments, texts, private messages, etc. was overwhelming. While it doesn’t take very much to overwhelm us these days, it was so loving. We know that we could call on any one of you at any moment and you could come running. We are so fortunate to have such an army of supportive friends. Thank you, all, for reaching out and loving on us.

There is so much I want to write and record. I want to tell you about all of the amazing people who cared for us as we learned about and processed and struggled through the death of our baby boy. I want to share details, both beautiful and brutal details. I want to share more pictures of my son who so few people ever got to meet in person. There is a lot that I want to do. Some I won’t ever do, and some I will when my head is clearer. Not today. Today, we continue to hide.

Tomorrow is Dekker’s birthday. He will be six! I can hardly believe he is aging. When in the world did I get a six year old?? I hate that his birthday that he has SO anticipated is being overshadowed. Luckily, we have a very quiet, low key plan for tomorrow evening that he will be very happy with, and that our hearts can handle. Because this boy is a gem that needs to be celebrated.

Yesterday, Dekker offered to pray for lunch. We all held hands, and instead of actually praying for lunch, his prayer went like this.

“Dear Jesus, thank you for baby Jamin. Please be with mommy, and help her have another baby. Amen.”

Later that day, as I was walking out of the room he was in, I heard him say to me that he was sorry the baby died. I told him I was sorry, too. We agreed that we both wished he could be home here with us. But then he said to me “But God is even better than here. Even better than our house!”

Isn’t he amazing??

I hate going through this. I hate it. And I don’t say “hate” unless I truly hate something. And I do. With all of that, though, I am so amazed at my kids, who are clearly thinking and processing and have this beautiful innocence and faith that I pray to share with them. A child-like faith. That’s what I want.

Please be patient with me, and with our family, as we navigate these deep deep waters. The metaphor is so real, as I am a terrible swimmer in both literal and metaphoric aspects. Grief is so heavy.

I don’t even know how to begin today’s post. I can’t even think. I’m sure you’ve noticed that my amazing brother, Simon, took my blog over for a couple of days. I couldn’t be more grateful for that. By default, you may have noticed that I sort of dropped off the map.

I can hardly bear to even write it. Our little papoose went to be with the Lord. He’s already been there for a while, but once again, I had no indication whatsoever. When we couldn’t find his heartbeat in my routine 16 week appointment on Thursday, I managed to get an ultrasound that afternoon, and sure enough, his beautiful little body was tucked away in my womb, ever so safely. No movement, no heartbeat, no life. He had been gone for two weeks, measuring him to be around 14 weeks and 3 days. We all wept, hard. Even our poor ultrasound tech. She has seen us through two losses now, and wanted a positive scan just as badly as we did. By “we,” I mean my mom and I. Of all days, Brady was holed up at home, vomiting and the like, and there was just no way for us to be together. I am SO thankful I had my mom at my side. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through the day alone.

It didn’t end there. I had to go back to my doctor, who said I was too far along to safely deliver at home, and asked if I would consent to a D&C. I agreed, and she went off to make the call. I just wanted it done.

My mom and I headed right to the hospital from there, and waited to meet an OB. When we did, we were told the baby was too big to pass safely in a D&C. So I was admitted and induced. Slowly, in the middle of the night. My mom stayed with me the whole time.

I don’t know how gory to get, so I’ll be safe.

I delivered my baby at 6:38am, on August 18th. The baby that everyone thought was a girl turned out to be a BOY! What an amazing surprise! He weighed 60 grams and was 13.5 cms long. Just a little guy. I wish Brady had been there but I was SO grateful to have my mom. If it couldn’t be Brady, it was perfect that it was my mom. I called Brady once the panic had died down, and he right away called Jerilee, who came running to watch the kids so Brady could come be with us.

It was a long, long day. SO many tears were shed. SO many ugly decisions were made that no one should ever have to make. But SO much love was shared. We spent hours with our tiny little son, holding him, kissing him, praying for him, grieving him. It went from brutal to peaceful and back again so many times. We were given all the time we needed. We were NEVER rushed. After a while, we could tell it was time for him to go. His little body just wasn’t ready for life on earth.

We made our choices, said our goodbyes, and gave our baby away to our nurse. And then we wept until we couldn’t anymore.

We named our baby Jamin. It means “at the right hand of favour,” which is exactly where we believe he is, and what a beautiful place that is. Not only is he with his brother up there, but He is with Jesus. He is perfect. And he never had to be imperfect, which is amazing. Amazing for him, but so so hard for us.

Give us peace, Lord. Please.

Due to the the amount of fun I had last night, Hailey has graciously agreed to extend my visit by
a day. She’ll be back soon, I assure you.

As you are well aware from the graphic that headlines the blog, Hailey and Brady have 4
gorgeous children. And they’re really beautiful kids; inside and out. You know the way they look
in that photo? They pretty much always look that way! Hailey and Brady run a tight ship; their
home is an organized, happy place where the kids are content and safe and secure in the love
of their parents and siblings.

If you are ever in Costco and see a family with four children walking sedately down the aisles,
well-dressed and clean, talking quietly and shopping efficiently, that’s Hailey’s family (The family
in the next aisle, composed of two pyjama-clad boys engaged in a running dance/fight, and a
chocolate chip cookie-covered little girl in a shopping cart yelling “GET DOWN! GET DOWN!”…
that’s my family).

It’s possible Hailey gets her parenting skills from our mom, who also ran a tight ship that we
were happy to be a part of. Christmas comes to mind, partly because it was a time of
organization and tradition in our childhood home, and partly because in our house, we start
checking the Christmas countdown app on December 26.

When we were growing up, we did all our Christmas shopping for each other in one fell swoop,
in one mall, on one day. This was before Walmart reared its head in Saskatoon – the age of
Zellers, when it still smelled a little like cigarettes inside the store. In early December, Mom and
Dad would choose a Saturday and we would head in, usually to Lawson Heights Mall in
Saskatoon. We would split up into groups, each kid carrying $20: enough for a $5 present for
each family member. By the time mid afternoon rolled around we were usually finished, and the
challenge of the $5 limit made for some interesting finds. As we became teenagers, we pushed
for higher cash limits; I think it was $10 per gift by the time I moved out. We also moved on to a
bigger mall; The Centre at Circle and 8th. I assure you, it is as mystical and romantic as it
sounds. There was a New York Fries at the Centre, so to our annual tradition was added the
ritual of sharing fries in the busy food court. With age also came the typical teenaged feelings of
embarrassment over the tiny things our parents did. I remember one year – it must not have
been going very well, because we were grumpy and tired, and not even the New York Fries had
helped. We were all squished on one bench at the edge of the food court, right next to an
extremely busy causeway, a see-and-be-seen spot, Saskatoon-style, to be sure. Traffic was
heavy, and we had settled on the bench, perhaps to regroup, perhaps to arrange new shopping
groups, perhaps to try to figure out what the heck to get Dad, when, out of nowhere, our
diminutive mother sprang to her feet, brandished her camera, and backed into the flow of
humanity to take a portrait of her family. Why she had her camera I’ll never know. Why she had
suddenly usurped Dad’s role as the embarrassing parent is an even deeper mystery. But I can
see the photo in my mind – it’s in an album somewhere; I wish I had it to post here. Dad is
grinning obediently, and us kids are either gaping in mortified, open-mouthed horror, or
clutching our embarrassed heads in our hands. Despite this tragedy, Christmas still took place that year, and I’m sure mom still got her yearly quota of candles and candle holders from me.
And thankfully, the photo opp in the mall was not made into a Christmas tradition.

When I watch Hailey and Brady’s family as they build traditions and lead their brood through the
excitement of life together, and read along with you about their adventures in growing up, it
warms my heart to see how our childhood, good parts and bad, has helped mold Hailey into the
loving, intentional mother she is today. Hailey and Brady take traditions seriously. They find
ways to make little things special, planning outings, meals, trips, in a unique, creative fashion
that is perfect for them, and so fun to observe. They pack and plan, and then strike out in their
road yacht in search of high adventure. It doesn’t always go as planned, but there is always a
silver lining, at the very least, and a story to share right here that encourages the rest of us to
take risks, start traditions, and treasure our loved ones with everything we’ve got.

Good evening, devoted fans of The Daily Hailey. My name is Simon and I am sincerely honoured to be a guest of this fine, digital establishment. If you come here often, you read a little each day about Hailey’s life. Today, you’ll read something a little bit different; not about Hailey’s day today, not about my day, but about a day we spent together 20-odd years ago.

I am Hailey’s older brother; I have been since we were kids. We are six and a half years apart, so when I was 13, Hailey was barely 7 years old. At that time of my life I considered it my solemn calling to help Hailey overcome her aversion to teasing (I remember telling my mom this, in all adolescent seriousness), and my strategy was to tease her. Lots and lots, all the time. And I was good at it. And Hailey was very good at hating it.

One winter morning I was busy working at helping Hailey to learn to appreciate teasing, and she was busy thwarting my efforts, with many tears and lots of yelling. I don’t remember the specifics of my approach that morning, but mom had had enough. Our mother is tender-hearted and patient, but on that day enough was enough. In a particularly creative parental move, she sentenced Hailey and me to an afternoon spent at home together, while she and our sister Caitlin went to see the second 101 Dalmatians movie (102 Dalmatians?). In the theatre. Just the two of them. It doesn’t even matter if they had popcorn; the knife had sunk as deep as it could possibly sink. Mom started the ancient snowmobile for us, and she and Caitlin headed into the city.

These were the days before helmets were worn on snowmobiles (Although I do remember other riders wearing helmets… Hmmmm). These were the days when parents let feuding 13 and 7 year old siblings loose in the snowy fields of Saskatchewan, with only the unmarked county grid roads for a guide. It was a great challenge, and a great deal of fun. I drove, and Hailey held onto my back and bumped along as the decrepit snow-beast squeaked and groaned across fields and through roadside ditches. After an hour or two, we were following one such ditch when the snowmachine, without warning, slid to a silent stop. Hailey and I looked at each other, and reacted as oppositely as possible: she burst into tears, and I laughed out loud. It was clear we were out of gas, and at least two miles from our empty house, which, that day, might as well have been two hundred miles way.

Somehow I was cool and calm. We were out of gas, but I knew where we were, and I knew two families we went to church with that lived within a mile. What I didn’t know was that my parents knew the people whose yard we were stalled right next to, so I joined hands with the little girl I was usually so busy tormenting, and we mounted the gravel road for a long winter’s walk.

I think Hailey calmed down pretty quickly, and I think we had a good walk. I took a break from my quest to teach her the joys of being teased, and I believe we were quite civil, as often happens in time of crisis.

When we arrived at the yard of the first family, I remembered their dogs, who were much less threatening from the back seat of our car. Hailey was not a fan of dogs at this age (although I remember her devoting several years of her life to imitating that faithful species), so I scooped her tiny self onto my shoulders and we moved cautiously up the long driveway. I’m still not a big fan of strange dogs, and back then I was about as scared as my little sister, but I talked to them as reassuringly as I could, and they replied with angry barks and growls, increasing in volume and proximity, until Hailey and I burst into the garage and slammed the door behind us.

If someone had been home, it would all have been worth it, but then we would never have had the adventure of walking back up the driveway amidst the angry and now confused dogs, and then a half mile west to our second and final hope. We never would have enjoyed the welcoming warmth of Mrs Lepp’s kitchen and the cozy ride home to our waiting mom and sister. For that matter, if we had know that the Benson’s house was thirty feet from our stalled steed, we would have missed out on the adventure altogether.

At the end of the day, our “punishment” ended up being one of the more memorable, pleasant stories Hailey and I share from our childhood. And while we were never really “not friends”, today we are great friends – I think she’d agree; I know I’m a major fan of hers.

Today, Hailey is the courageous one. Sure, she rode my shoulders as a little one, and today she leads her little ones on adventures of their own. Hailey is courageous in pursuing her dreams, in investigating life, and conquering the world with her fine husband at her side. And you already know that, because you read about that courageous life, here, every day – and today you’ve read a little bit of the back-story.

So, Hailey, when you read this: blessings be all over you! Adventure on, and thanks for bringing us along! 

Yesterday, Jerilee came over and we watched the Bachelorette finale together. I know, we’re behind. I was in Waskesiu when it aired, so we got to it a little late. Our initial plan was to splurge and go pick up Pizza Hut and gorge ourselves on some pizza and treats. However, with my special illness so recent, we opted to keep things on the safer side of things. We ended up eating appetizers, which is sometimes just as risky as large amounts of greasy pizza, but we had a few appies from a previous appy night where we ate half of each and saved the other, and we remembered they were all yummy and not at all questionable, too spicy, icky, etc.

And guess what! It was all delicious, and sat just fine in my weird nervous tummy!! Win for me! And for everyone, really. Except a win for the Bachelorette, but thats another story…

This morning, I’m feeling totally like myself. I think, anyway. I slept pretty well (though I do remember having wildly unsettling dreams, as per usual) and didn’t have any weird tummy attacks in the night. Its wonderful that I slept as good as I did, because I woke up with a start with Dekker having informed me that Laela had an accident. So of course, I was up in a flash. Everything with Laela was actually pretty under control, so all I did was hand her a fresh pair of underwear and life went on. Waking with a start is never ideal, but I felt decently rested and prepared for the day. Brady was off to work so I was on my own, and thank goodness, I felt nice and strong. I was NOT making it up on Monday. I physically couldn’t have cared for my kids. I couldn’t even care for myself. Hear me say this: I ordered some Colourpop makeup for my birthday, it arrived, and I was too sick to open it. THAT is saying something. So I’m VERY thankful to already be over whatever that was, and to be able to care for my family today.

Brady came home from his warranty work this morning and got lunch with the kids and I, put the little boys down for their naps, and is now off to my parents to work on their deck. Its coming along, and while its taken longer than we’ve expected, plans have just continually changed along the way and my parents have rolled with it very smoothly and not at all begrudgingly, so we’re able to make and change plans without guilt. For instance, Brady was going to work most of Monday, but that had to change, and thats fine. Now, today, no one is home at my parents, but he’s still working away back there. And thats fine too 🙂

With the little boys down, our normal quiet afternoon of Lego, blogging, organizing a few things, and resting begins. I love this part of the day. But I especially love that I don’t NEED this part of today, because if I had to be up and around, I could be. That counts for something for me today. Mental and physical health are both SO important, and today, I feel like I have a handle on both!!

Before I begin todays post, two things. Thing one is that yesterday was bananas. Seriously, it was so crazy. I napped most of the day and was completely cashed out for the night by 9:00pm. Thankfully, I feel worlds apart better today. I ate breakfast and lunch without issue, and the single remaining memory of yesterday is a bit of a dull headache, which I can handle. I’m SO thankful thats all thats left! Thing two is a belly picture, since I didn’t put one on yesterdays post. I’m going to say “belly” loosely, because it is clear that I dropped some weight yesterday…

Not much of a belly to see at all, but considering just how much exited my body yesterday, I’m not too surprised. I’m sure it’ll be back soon enough.

Onto what todays post is actually about! I wrote a post a while ago that kind of just centred on Dekker and Laela, and how they’re developing and growing and maturing and changing. I’ve been wanting to write one on Rowan and Solomon for a while now, and today is the day! I’ll start with Rowan. Oldest to youngest 🙂

Rowan has been figuring some important stuff out recently, which is really awesome! He’s 2.5 years old, so he’s right in the middle of that stage where his communication is taking a turn for the better, and some challenges come along with that, for sure. But its getting better! He is comprehending more also, which makes communicating even easier, as he’s absorbing more from lessons and daily life. He wants to help alongside his siblings, and he is actually able to be helpful! In the recent past, he’s finally learned to drink from a cup instead of a sippy cup!! I know, some of you may think he’s behind in that area, but for us, its really really wonderful, and I don’t care how long its taken. The sippy cup has left him low maintenance at meals, because the reality is that he’s little still, and not the most coordinated. With that come more spilling and more messes, but we’ve trusted him a little bit more recently, and he’s quickly picked up on drinking from a cup, and feeding himself even the really messy things. Seems like a small victory, but not to me 🙂 I’m super proud of him. The last thing I want to touch on with Ro is his mouth!!! Its been a long road, and poor Ro still doesn’t have ANYTHING in his bed beyond his mattress and sheet, but its paid off! His mouth is EXACTLY as it should be!! We used to laugh at his cartoonish, large mouth, but now that he doesn’t stuff his mouth full of anything (beyond stuffing his cheeks full of food) his mouth is beautifully proportionate to his face!!

He’s so handsome in that picture 🙂 I know its not a close up of how his teeth meet or anything, but even just this is SO much different than it used to be! I’m so happy about the progress he’s made. My only sadness is over how much he wants a blanket. He’s actually gone as far as to steal Dekker’s quilt off of him in the middle of the night. He reaches it through his crib bars and hauls it into his bed, lays it out all nicely, and sleeps like a log. He would LOVE a blanket. But I think we have to wait a little bit longer, so we know the habit is kicked. I would hate to have to take it away again 🙁 I’m so so proud of Rowan. Its such a pleasure watching him grow and change and develop. He is an incredible, content, loving, snuggly little boy. I love him so much.

Solly is also making some big changes recently! While Rowan wasn’t doing so hot drinking from a cup, Solly could NOT figure out a sippy cup!! He hated both the straw and the traditional sippy cup, and it got to the point where we’d bring one out at a meal and he would just cry and bat it away. He did NOT want it. With that, though, he was also SUPER over his bottle. Turns out all he needed was the beach to heat him up really good, to make him really want a drink of water, and he managed to drink from a water bottle. Rowan happily shared his water with him at the beach, and cheered him on as he would draw out water, drool it all out, and do it again. Over and over, he did this, learning the process. It was pretty cute. By the end of that day, he knew how to use the water bottle. No sweat, no issue. When we brought him home, it took about half a day for him to go from that to a sippy cup with a slimmer straw, and since that day, he hasn’t had a bottle. Hasn’t missed it or asked for it once. Nope. That stage is OVER! Which is pretty awesome 🙂 Another new thing he does is say “ni-night.” He says the occasional “hi” or calls us “mama” and “dada” but this one is consistent, and he knows exactly what he’s saying! I’m so psyched that the very beginning of language is upon us! Lastly, when we got home from the lake, we finally installed a baby gate. Solly has had a lot of room to move around, but he’s mostly been confined to the living room, and its been driving him crazy not to be able to follow his siblings around. Now that the gate is up and he can roam the whole house, his mobility has gone nuts! He’s standing constantly, and I don’t think walking is too far away. He also has begun practicing stairs, and after the first day of going up and down them, he knew to turn around at the top and go down safely! Its not foolproof yet, obviously, and we’re always with him while he’s on them, but he’s picking it up so quickly!! Its been fun to see him so excited and adventurous!

His pose, though! Hahaha! He’s so pleased with life now that he can branch out and be free, and I feel like he’s blossomed since the lake! He understands SO MUCH, and is so social and hilarious and brave. I love him to pieces, and I can’t wait for what the next few months of development will bring. Brady and I talked recently about how our other kids would learn to walk and would easily walk underneath countertops or tables, but Solly is already too tall for that kind of thing, and has been cranking his head on everything! Help! Our kids keep getting taller!! He was 23″ at birth! Do they come taller than that?! Because I was pretty maxed out space-wise when I carried him! Once again, say what you will about induction, but I’m SO thankful I was able to have him a week early!! Really, all things considered though, I am SO thankful I got to have him at all, and that I still do get to have him! I’m thankful for every single day I have my kids. Aren’t they amazing??

Ok, little boy brag post over 🙂 I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it out.

Ok guys, I’m going to do my very best with todays post. Though I’ll tell you right off the bat there are no belly pictures. That would involve standing, which is not on the books for me today. Complete and utter TMI, I was unbelievably sick last night, puking and pooping and up constantly. I literally slept maybe a half hour. I admit that I did venture out for a physio appointment this morning because rebooking would have left me waiting so long, but I’ve been in bed ever since, minus a bath. I can hardly stand, and I’m dizzy and disoriented. So basically, this might not be the very best series post yet. If it going downhill fast, I’ll ask Brady to type it out for me, but hopefully it won’t come to that. Let’s just begin.

Size/Comparison: This weeks size comparison is pretty vague, I’m not sure what to tell you. The particular chart I like to follow compares the baby to an action figure. That’s a pretty wide range of sizes, so I found another one that suggested the size of a bell pepper. I don’t know man, but the kid is getting big in there!

How am I feeling mentally: In all honesty, I’ve had a very anxious week. Or maybe even just an anxious last few days. The lake was amazing, and healing, and I felt a definite improvement in lots of things. I felt like my mind and heart took a deep breath as Theo’s due date came and went, which was strangely peaceful and relieving, but I’m so nervous about my body aching and seemingly giving up on me so early in the game. I’m nervous to be useless and unmoving. There is so much to worry about, but I’m very much looking forward to my appointment with Dr. Guselle this week. She values mental health so strongly, and I know I’ll be able to talk to her and she’ll provide me with literally any and all resources that I might need. Its not been the best week for my mental health, and if you’ve read the posts over the last couple of days, you probably picked up on that. I’m trying, though. Trying so hard. I want so badly to be positive.

How am I feeling physically: Haha! Today, I feel like absolute garbage. Its been interesting. But over this last week of pregnancy as a whole, I feel like my physical health is improving in some ways. I feel like my nausea is maybe on the way out, and while my pelvis is starting to slip out of place and hurt me when I walk, its still early in the game, and I’m hopeful that my physiotherapist will be able to help me manage at least some of the pain I’m having.

Appointments: I had physio this morning, though I probably shouldn’t have gone. She picked up on my sickness right away and let me lie down through my appointment, though. Guys, I have to say, my physiotherapist is the absolute best. She is SO understanding, and SO positive, and SOOO knowledgable. She validated my anxieties and fears about my body, and took her time in giving me a few tips to start out with. She worked on my body a little bit and said she can already tell that I’m walking defensively, in preparation for my body to hurt, BUT she doesn’t speak in an accusing way. I don’t know how she does it, but she says things like “I know exactly why you’re walking like that, and you’re clearly not even doing it intentionally” and I never am made to feel like I’ve done the wrong thing. She wrapped up our appointment today by saying that if only one thing gets through to me today (because I was SO out of it) she wanted me to be reassured that the pain I had in my last pregnancy isn’t just the inevitable. We CAN manage it, and we WILL manage it. There is hope. I really really needed to hear that today. She reminded me that perfect is not something she is asking for, and that I should just try my best. It felt great, and hopeful. I’m glad I went.

Baby Buys/Wish List: I bought two pairs of denim capris for fall, since Thyme was having a beautiful sale! They fit SO nicely, and I haven’t been able to find capris for a couple of years now. But seriously, they have a soft belly panel, and I paid about $13 each. I’m trying not to shop too much at all this summer, but seriously, this couldn’t be passed up. I’ll wear them all through fall.

How are the kids feeling: At the lake, I braved up and wore two piece bathing suits, and Rowan would ever so gently put his finger in my belly button and say he could see the baby in there. Which was pretty great, and hilarious, and made me feel like it was worth it to have my soft wrinkly tummy out in the sun, even if I was self conscience. Also, I posted on Facebook and Instagram the other day, but in case you somehow missed it, I’ll just share the picture again.

Ro found the one stuffed toy that belonged to Theo, poached it off my dresser, and whispered “I love you, Theo” to it over and over again. I don’t claim to know how much kids know about Heaven, or what insight they have that we as adults don’t, but that both broke and warmed my heart. Even though it really hurts, I’m so glad the kids talk about their baby brother so normally, even though they never got to meet him. They mention him every time we talk about Jesus and Heaven, and how a BIG pro of going to Heaven will be meeting Theo. I love that. Our kids are awesome. Forgive the tangent, please. Ro is going to be a wonderful big brother to our little papoose.

The BEST thing about being pregnant this week: I don’t know. I feel SO gnarly right now, its hard to think of positives. But I think whats exciting about being pregnant this week is the realization that time is actually passing, and our pregnancy is moving forward. Guys, I’m 16 weeks!! Fully into my second trimester, not too far from finding out the gender of our baby. I’m starting to feel better with my nausea (minus last night, obviously) and I feel like soon we’ll be in the stage of things where I can feel a bit more normal and well. While I’ve been having some worry and anxiety this week, I do feel hope, and I think thats a really important thing this week.

Anything else: In the last few days, my baby has been LOVING candy. Like far too much. Thankfully, since we have kids, it seems we are so often given candy, and while our kids can definitely have some candy, they NEVER eat all of it. So we usually have candy stashed away in our pantry, and this week, it was just perfect 🙂 Nerds and Skittles were huge winners! Yum yum yum.

Pictures: Nope. Not today. I can’t stand up, and I don’t look nice. Maybe I’ll try and get one tomorrow but nope, not today.

Sorry its been such a strange post. Had I written this yesterday, it might have been totally different. I don’t feel miserable in my pregnancy, just in my general weakness and soreness today, thats all. We had so many fun plans for today and they all got foiled. We didn’t get to make pickles with my mom, Brady didn’t get to work on their deck, the kids didn’t get to hang out with Grandma and Grandpa, etc. Hopefully I’m in better shape tomorrow! A night of sleep should help. Wish me luck!

This may be a frightfully large photo post. Or I may decide halfway through to break it into two posts. I’m not sure yet. But there are just SO many pictures I want to share. I was picky, and took out LOTS that I would have loved to add, and we’re still over 60!! Maybe I’ll purge as I post. I make no promises. But hey, you came for pictures, so here they are!

First, this is how our packing turned out!

I am SO thankful for our big van, and all the cargo area it offers! Also, I am very thankful for where we stayed, and that we had room to spread out and pack in tubs. Win!

Our first night in, we fed the kids easy food, and Brady and I ordered asian take out after they went to bed. It was actually pretty delicious. Though seriously, who named that restaurant? Do they really think “Asian Station” rhymes??

FYI, it doesn’t rhyme. But the food made up for it. Can’t complain about that!

The next day, we hit the beach in the morning! Our kids built sandcastles for a little while, but the the real game became filling holes with water. Brady and I would dig, and the kids would run back and forth to the waters edge with pails, and bring back water to pour into the holes. Rowan would scoop sand back into the lake (yup) and Solly either hung out on the blanket and played with shovels, or he would venture out once in a while.

Naptime at the lake was SO wonderful! We turned off all the lights, snuggled the big kids up in the living room, and they watched some tv and zoned out. They were SO wiped from all the action and fresh air, Laela ended up napping a couple of the afternoons away, so we made sure they at least got LOTS of rest in!

We also went out for supper that day! The kids ate well, with the exception of Laela, who fought SO hard, for whatever reason, and ended up leaving the restaurant with Brady. Luckily he had finished eating already, but I hung back with the boys and helped them finish up.

Clearly, Solly is excellent at drinking water from a cup.

Check it out! I got a bonus chicken nugget in the shape of a dinosaur with my fish and chips! Lol!

Ro and I as we waited for Dekker to use the bathroom before leaving the restaurant. Solly is hanging out in the stroller, just not visible in this picture. Still, it was fun, me and the boys.

We went to the playground afterwards but it was short lived. Laela and Brady came juuust as Solly was feeling very finished. But they got in a little bit of play before it was time to head to bed. Luckily, they didn’t fight bedtime.

The next day felt heavy, being Theo’s due date. The weather was also grey, and therefore, not a beach day. But we hit the playground…

and walked around town, and even took in some ice cream in the evening. It was relaxed and delicious and special time as a family. I wish Theo could have joined us, but it felt like an important day.

Believe it or not, Solly isn’t a big ice cream at this point. I think its just too cold for him, but he vastly preferred to just chew a spoon, or do pull ups on the table. I’m not even kidding. I have a video. He’s hilarious 🙂

We ended it with a walk, to shake off some of the sugar. It was really lovely.

After this pictures, kind of run together. There were lots of times I didn’t pull my camera out, and I think thats a really good thing 🙂 So I can’t tell you for sure which days each of these events happened, but enjoy the cute compilation of my beautiful children playing on the beach or the playground or wherever else they ended up!

So here’s another beach day 🙂 This particular time, pretty much every picture is of the kids going in the opposite direction of me, haha! They were just SO busy! So, lots of butts, basically.

Can you appreciate how hard it is to get a picture of everyone at once?! Its SO hard!! Especially when Rowan is stationed somewhere else, away from the blanket…

Solly got adventurous 🙂 It was cute.

He also got very very dirty. It wasn’t all his fault. We buried his feet and legs many times. He liked it.

Brady dug an enormous rock out from the sand, and was VERY short when he stood in it. It was DEEP!!!

And it was also wide enough to fit three funny-faced kids inside of it!

This is the best I could get for my efforts to take a picture of my family during lunch. Mealtime is just never the right time for a photo. Rowan told me once I gave up and put my phone away “I didn’t smile for dat.” Its true. He didn’t.

In this moment, both Laela and Rowan were screaming, lol! They did not appreciated having their feet dipped in against their will. And Dekker was giggling like a mad man, having reached the point of no return in the water. You guys know what I mean. Lol!

I made SO MANY compilations of the kids, so these were my favorites 🙂 Just to avoid posting more pictures than necessary.

Solly ate a TON of sand! But he was so happy to be at the beach 🙂 Couldn’t keep him in the shade no matter how much we tried.

Our last beach day. The continual hauling of water never stopped, and the kids were thrilled. It was beautiful. Solly even boldly crawled all the way to the water and we had to convince him to sit and splash rather than just diving in full force.

I’m already missing the lake. You know that feeling when you’ve been away, and you’ve really enjoyed your time, but you’re ready to head home? I wasn’t quite there when we left. I could’ve happily lasted another day or two. But we will next summer 🙂 We’ve ALREADY booked our spot for a week long vacation, and I feel like I’ll be counting down until then. Less than a year away, lol! We’ll have five kids by then! WOW! I cannot wait 🙂

I hope this wasn’t too too many pictures for you all, but they are so important for me to save, as well. Hopefully it just made you feel like you were there, smelling the air, eating the ice cream, and chasing the small people around. It was a wonderful, refreshing time! I’m so thankful we had the chance to go!

This is kind of a strange thing to post about but just the fact that it NEEDS its own post should tell you that I mean it!!

Everyone needs to go to Costco to buy gladiolus. Everyone. I don’t mean to be a weirdo about it, but its important.

I ran to Costco this morning before we were meeting my parents and brother’s family for lunch, to do a quick shop. Costco flowers are always lovely, but they got a new flower supplier a while back and its really stepped up the flower game there! I’m often tempted to go buy “just for fun” flowers, and I let it happen, occasionally. Dekker is always itching to buy me flowers 🙂 which I love.

Today, with my groceries, I had plans to buy my mom and sister in law flowers, since their birthdays were both yesterday. And I came across glads. HUGE bundles of glads! On the corners of the flower display. Now, the mennonite in me had to figure out whether they fell into the $12 category or the $22 category, so I asked the woman working to fill the flower stand, and she assured me that were the lesser expense. I couldn’t believe it! There were over 20 stems in each bundle, easily. I couldn’t resist, and I bought myself a bundle as well. Only a small handful of Costco employees laughed at the ridiculous amount of flowers in my cart. I can handle it. Usually they laugh at the amount of milk we buy, so this felt a bit better, haha!

I dropped off the flowers to their respective homes before heading home to set my own up. They were massive, and I wasn’t sure we’d even have the right vase for them. Turns out, we didn’t, actually! But thankfully, we had two nice sturdy vases that I could split the bundle up between, which worked great. I set up the flowers, we shoed the kids, and headed out for lunch.

I took a picture of the flowers before we left, and another picture when we got back home. What a treat to see how much they had already opened!!

Before…

and after!!

I always am a little nervous when I buy flowers, and they’re all squished and a little beat up, and then they just DRINK their water and spread out and flourish. I do not have a green thumb, but I do love flowers 🙂 I hope very much to have a beautiful flower bed in my front yard one day, with glads and peonies growing well and plentifully, so I can pick bundles and share them with my friends. Buuut that’ll be another couple of years, haha! First grass, and a bunch of other things. Maybe flowers can come at the same time as the grass. Its not like they’ll be an additional large expense, alongside sod, a fence, a driveway, etc. I can dream 🙂

Anyway, maybe no one will care about this or listen to me, but I mean it. Get yourself some flowers from Costco. These two vases full of flowers set me back $12. That’s it. Highly highly recommend getting some bright colors brought into your homes!