It was a nice morning.

Brady was home today, so he got up in the morning to get Dekker breakfast before school while I doddled and took a little longer to wake up. When I brought Dekker to school, Kim has brought me a bag of lemon biscotti that she had excess of and knew I would love. Not only do I love biscotti, but I really love lemon, so it was a pretty lovely gift. When I got home, Brady had made some coffee, and we tucked back up in bed for an episode of our current show with our treats. It was a lovely kick off.

The rest of the morning was spent planning a few things. Brady has been working hard to figure out some details on the deck we’re planning to build. As an aside, we’re planning on building it as soon as humanly possible, so if anyone is itching to participate and help us blitz it, consider yourselves invited and appreciated! As he worked on some of that, I did some basic planning on a blog series I’m cooking up for you guys. Ok, I’m mostly cooking it up for myself, let’s be honest. But I spent some time trying to come up with a proper name for it, and some general ideas to go along with it. It is certainly not all the way arranged but I don’t think it’ll be smooth until I’m actually posting it! So hopefully soon 🙂 It felt good to get some of it at least listed out.

It was a good afternoon as well.

A friend of mine invited me over for a visit this afternoon. I feel like we’ve talked about getting together for like two years, and just haven’t made it happen, haha! Well we FINALLY did, and with Brady home for the day, I left the kids at home and just went on my own. It was so nice to just sit and sip tea together and catch up a bit. We talked family and parenting and miscarriages and work and all kinds of things. It was so so nice and relaxed and comfortable. It was pretty much an ideal afternoon. She had one little munchkin up, roaming around the house, boycotting his nap, but he was a cute little addition to our afternoon of mom talk. I arrived there right as her other kid was going down for a nap, and I left when it was time to get Deks from school.

Things bode well for the evening as well.

Brady baked a dessert with Laela while I was out, so we have a new cake to look forward to. That and hopefully a relaxed supper and evening.

Brady is back to work tomorrow, and I’m feeling a bit of nerves towards a long week. Brady is working Good Friday and Saturday, which is a bummer. That kind of thing is always hard for me to forget going into a week, and I get grouchy :/ I know, its my own fault. But I know Brady is working those days so he can have a longer stretch off next week, which I greatly appreciate. Just hard getting there. I like my Saturdays with my husband.

I think I can hear Rowan starting to wake up, so thats my cue! I hope you’re all enjoying the sunshine as much as I am. I officially broke the shorts out!

A couple of days ago, Brady and I were hanging out with the kids, and we were commenting on how funny and cute Solly was being at that moment. The older kids started talking about how much they love Solly, and then how much they love each member of the family. Laela closed it off with “I love the baby in mommy’s tummy so much.” After a short pause, Brady reminded her that I don’t have a baby in my tummy anymore. Laela said that made her sad, and we agreed that we were sad, too. And then the moment passed, like it always does, and play started back up again.

Our whole house wants another baby, basically. The kids are so aware of everything that happened with our last pregnancy, and they talk about it a lot. When we load into our vehicle, usually either Dekker or Laela comments on how there are more seats to fill with more babies, who will soon be KIDS! Its endearing.

On the subject of baby fever, I had a dream the other night that was just so vivid. I probably wouldn’t normally share stuff like this, but since we’ve decided to be quite so public with our whole pregnancy/family building journey, it doesn’t make me feel vulnerable telling you I am literally dreaming about having babies.

In my dream, I was very pregnant, and I was home alone. Like alone. So we know it was definitely a dream, haha! No Brady, no kids. But the house was definitely lived in by kids, because in my alone time at home, I was doing mounds of dishes. Like to the point that they were on the island, counter, and covering the table. We also know this is a dream, because the dishwasher was running, and it appeared that I was just washing everything else by hand. This would NEVER be a reality, haha! I have no patience for hand washing dishes, and would much more likely wait for the cycle to end, unpack and reload the dishwasher as many times as it took. Buuut it was a dream. So to get back to it, I had finished washing, drying, and putting away a counter-full of dishes. I stepped over to the table to gather an armful of dishes to keep washing them, and I had a strong contraction, out of nowhere.

I’m not unfamiliar with contractions, but it was very reminiscent of Laela’s labour, where contractions started HARD and labour was FAST. It was VERY painful. I let my contraction finish, and the moment it let up, I thought “I have to call someone.” I turned away from the table empty handed, and made it two steps into my kitchen before another contraction came on like a ton of bricks. I grabbed the island top with my right hand and waited while the contraction amped.

As the pain went up, I felt the baby go down. DOWN. I remember the distinct feeling from when I had Laela. Suddenly, her head was coming out. I dropped down onto my knees, and held my hand on her head as it came the rest of the way. The contraction lulled at that point, and I sat and stared at her face, and her hair. She had a lot of it. When I felt another contraction coming, I got ready for it, and I guided the rest of her body out of mine.

It. Was. So. Peaceful.

And I was so proud of myself. Maybe that’s silly, but bear with me.

I’ve thought a LOT about having a baby unexpectedly at home. While I don’t plan for a home birth, there is a chance I’ll end up with one, with the way I don’t tend to feel labour until its zero hour. In all of my daydreams about having a baby on my own, I’m scared. And in PAIN. I often see myself trying to find a bed and laying down as I shake in fear and pain, trying to have my baby. But in this dream, I had a job to do. I was capable. I didn’t panic. I was definitely in pain, I remember that. It wasn’t all sugarcoated. It HURT. But that didn’t matter. I had a baby to deliver. Instead of going and trying to find somewhere comfy to lie down, I got into a more favourable position to deliver the baby with gravity on my side. Personally, I think Dream Hailey did a pretty bang up job of delivering her own baby.

I know this is all just a dream, but it made me feel like Real Life Hailey would probably do a pretty decent job of delivering her own baby if she found herself in unexpected circumstances as well. I am NOT an expert in labour and delivery, and I struggle to even consider myself an experienced mother, but I have had a few different labours and deliveries, and I think I have enough information to get through such a situation successfully. I hope I do, anyway.

Sometimes, dreams are just dreams. I don’t read too deep into them. I don’t anticipate delivering a baby alone in my kitchen. But I do feel like this dream was from God, showing me that He is in control of whats going to happen, and when its going to happen. That He will direct me through everything and anything. His hand is in everything, and I trust that.

It was such an exciting dream, you guys.

If you remember from yesterday’s post, Solly had barfed up his milk in the morning while I was out. We assumed it was just part of him having some cold symptoms, and that things were just mucousy and gross and his milk came back up. Gross, but logical. He drank and ate fine for the rest of the day, and went down to bed around 7:30.

About two hours later, Solly started screaming. Like screeeaming. We went to him right away and he was covered in vomit. As in soaked from head to toe. I could’ve wrung his sleeper out. His hair was all soaking wet, except the back of his head, which was crusty, so I assume he barfed right when we put him to bed but didn’t let us know.

Brady was getting Solly out of his bed, and the poor baby just kept retching and retching. He would burp and gurgle and stick his tongue out and sputter. Then he would go rock hard, arch his back shake his limbs, and just scream. It was awful. I took Solly into our bathroom and sat on the floor, so at least he’d vomit on tile rather than carpet, and we waited. Solly was so bushed, he would doze for a couple of minutes, and then go again with the retching and arching and screaming. He was definitely in pain. In between bouts of this, he would sleep while his tummy angrily gurgled away. He wouldn’t doze for long, though. He just wanted to lay back. He was so so tired, and just wanted to go to bed. But when we’d lay him down, even in our arms, he’s start gagging and choking and retching. Once all of his vomit was out, he just barfed up foam.

So I got in touch with a nurse friend, as well as called the health line. What it boiled down to was that he was probably going to be fine, and likely just had a nasty flu, but I decided we needed to take him in. I felt like we needed to get this business sorted out before I’d be able to sleep. The constant gagging and choking when he’d lay down was incredibly nerve wracking, and I knew I would stay awake all night out of anxiety. While it was likely not entirely necessary, my nerves told me to go in.

So we did. My parents came over to sit in the house while the other three kids slept, and we headed in. As soon as we started driving, Solly had another spell of screaming and getting all tense and hard. We pulled over right away, and I climbed into the backseat with him. He recovered as we drove, and maybe 20 minutes later had another bout of it. He’d do his scary, pain cry, and then sleep for a minute, and then wake up chipper. It was so strange.

Miraculously, the ER wasn’t backed up at all when we arrived, so the turnover was nice and quick. While we waited to see a doctor, Solly decided to do the thing that happens SO often, and he made us look like idiots. He perked right up, was nothing but smiles when anyone would walk by, and was clearly no longer in any pain. Schmuck.

I swear, this kid just milked his sickness in order to get an evening out with his parents. Smart boy.

When we did get to see a doctor, it moved pretty quickly. I didn’t love his demeanour, and he made us feel pretty dumb, but he also wasn’t around for the super pain cry, so I get it. Sort of. He did see our side of things though, and he gave us some medication that was supposed to curb his nausea quickly. He gave us a bit of information and told us what to expect and when/if we should give him a second or third dose. He said not to worry if he had another big puke spell. It could be this way for 24 hours ish. Besides feeling a bit silly, though, the medication did work very quickly. He hasn’t gagged or retched since then, and he slept pretty well. We couldn’t have bought this medication over the counter at a grocery store, so for that, I’m still really happy that we went. Also, he checked his tummy really well, and really deep. He squeezed it so deeply, I was expecting Solly to cry, but he didn’t. But with that check, he was able to tell us that it doesn’t feel like Solly has any kind of obstruction whatsoever, which is great! I’d been suspicious of one a while back, and its nice to know that its all passed, and nothing is gathering in there, stretching his bowel without my knowledge. So for that reason also, I’m very happy we went in and got that cleared up.

We were back home much faster than we expected to be. Solly was fast asleep and transferred to bed no problem. The three kids hasn’t made a peep and my parents were cozied into our living room, watching Netflix. It all felt fine, and normal.

Solly got up once in a night to drink, and kept it all down easily. Sooooo I guess crisis averted??

I didn’t get much sleep last night. My mind was just running about unimportant things, and I was up from 1:30-5:00-ish. It goes without saying that I’m feeling a bit draggy this morning, but I’d really like to focus on the positives today. Woot!!

Its Saturday! Of all days to be tired, today is definitely the day!

Also, Spring is here. Despite the cloudy weather today, our kitchen window is open and the fresh air is blowing. I’m so happy nicer weather is here! I hope it stays!

I got up this morning, put on makeup, and went to apply some on someone else! I’m so thankful to have people around me who want me to succeed at doing something that I love! It was exciting and important and I think it turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself. That was a great start to my morning.

While I was gone, Solly barfed. It was kind of nice to skip that…

While I fed my sick baby a bottle, Brady vacuumed the entire house. What a huge chore off the list!

Hot coffee.

We spent time planning some fun music with a friend yesterday evening, and we’ll spend time with my parents tomorrow. It is always nice to be around loved ones.

Its nap time!! Three of the kids are going down today, and I’m anticipating a big bowl of the chicken lemon rice soup I made a few days ago. It turned out perfectly. Not to too my own horn, but *toot toot.*

I’m thankful for a lot of things, and a lot of people. My life is full and rich. God is just so so good.

I think that last one wraps todays post up pretty nicely 🙂 Its such a strange time of my life, with so many uncertainties on the horizon, so many plans in the works. Strange and wonderful all rolled together.

We have this book. Lots of you guys have probably read it. Its called “Pete the Cat and his Four Groovy Buttons.” Pete the Cat is super fun, so if you have kids, look into him. A couple of my cousins bought our kids this book a couple of Christmases ago, and its recently resurfaced as a “new” book. So we read it a lot these days.

I easily know this book by heart now, and so do the kids. They know the pages and the concept. Laela reads/recites it to Rowan almost every day. The story is simple. Pete the Cat’s favorite shirt has four bright buttons down the front of it, and for whatever strange reason, those suckers just keep popping off. But he just rolls with it. Once they’ve all popped off, he accepts his belly button in their place, and thats just it. No fuss, no muss, the end.

But in the last couple of days, I’ve really really appreciated this book. Pete the Cat is profound.

My favorite page goes like this:

I guess it simply goes to show
That stuff will come, and stuff will go.
But do we cry? Goodness, no.
We keep on singing.

Now, its possible that Pete the Cat is a bit more emotionally stable than I am, because I definitely cry when stuff goes around here. But I like where he’s going with it all.

Forgive me (or don’t) for putting a Christian spin on this, but this book reminded me that God gives and takes away, and that we are to keep saying “blessed be His name.” Or, in my words, we’re to roll with it and trust that He’s got it. And he does. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.

While I firmly believe that God did NOT “take” my baby boy from me, I do believe that He knows all things. He knew we would be faced with this devastating situation, and He knew that we could come out on the other side. And we did. But it was hard, and continues to be. But believe me, both literally and figuratively, I AM KEEPING ON SINGING! This is so not over. And I suppose, even if it were, I’d have to find a way to keep on singing. But how I pray that this isn’t the end of the line for us and our family…

I probably sound pretty mixed up. That’s ok. You guys probably know me well enough that you know I don’t always make sense 😉 Perhaps it feels just a bit more like a “rolling with the punches” kind of day. If you’re feeling the same way, know you’re not alone! Me, and you, and Pete the Cat are all working hard to keep on trucking. Or singing. Or rolling. Whatever you want to call it, we’re ALL doing it.

Seriously, guys. Pete the Cat. He knows things.

So I may kick myself for writing about this. I don’t want to jinx it. But I think its just about time to sleep train Solly. I hope.

We’ve tried to sleep train Solly a time or two before, but as soon as we nail down a plan, he gets sick or something, and it just hasn’t been possible.

In this last week or two, he’s been pretty miserable and sick. Our nights have been challenging. He wakes up around midnight, and wails and cries and coughs and rasps and screams. We. Try. Everything. We change his diaper, try to give him milk, rock him, walk him, no dice. To use a phrase that I really hate, he just can’t even. We end up holding him until his crying relaxes a bit. But it does not STOP until we put him back down the bed. So no, we’re not leaving his sick little self to wail for hours and hours. We work HARD to calm him down, and it only sort of works. The days that this has happened, he wakes up a couple of hours later when his medicine from his midnight wakeup call has kicked in, and he’ll take a feeding. Even that feeding is about half of his usual feeding size. But its something. When you know baby is sick, you just roll with stuff like that.

We’ve been putting two and two together though the sick time, though, and realizing that he can definitely go longer between night feedings than he has been. He’s not suffering with hunger when he misses that midnight feeding. I know he’s not.

Last night, instead of his tearful wakeup at midnight, he just slept through. Until 4:45!!! Keep in mind that he goes to bed at 7:30pm. That is NINE HOURS!! And WOW did I appreciate them! I also really appreciated that Solly woke up right around Brady’s alarm so he did the feeding before heading to work. What a glorious night for me!

I think this is it. I hope so much that this is it! I think, if he wakes up in the middle of the night, and I know he took a good feeding before bed, we’re just going to wrap him up and give him a good snuggle before putting him back to bed. And I think its going to be ok! I figure our worst case scenario will be, if it doesn’t work now, for whatever reason, Brady has a few days off in a stretch coming up, and we’ll just do it then if we have to. So if the whole house is full of exhausted children, I’ll have someone to tag team with! So, if not now, then.

On the note of sleepy babies, my little boys are napping and my big girl is watching some VeggieTales while I’m reclined, blogging, and eating broccoli salad. Spring is definitely upon us, and my whole self just feels much more relaxed and hopeful for the seasons to come. I hope you’re all feeling similarly.

I am WAY more likely to make a yummy meal if I’m feeding people other than my own family. Anyone else? Or am I the only one? I’m probably the only one :/ We’re bringing supper to a friend today, so naturally, I’m making two batches of everything, so my family can also enjoy it! Hahaha! Yay for eating food that was planned ahead of time!

I’d like to say that preparing supper today was a gong show because of my kids, but it wasn’t. It was just me, haha! I take ownership. But I think it’ll all still taste good, knock on wood!

I hesitate to even say it, but I think the main part of the meal will turn out smoothly. Its cooking away in the crock pot, seemingly normally. Last time I cooked two batches of something, I attempted to cook them both on low for the same amount of time, but the one’s “low” was much hotter than the other, and it didn’t help that I clicked the other one on “keep warm” for the first 2.5 hours of the cooking time. Sigh. I am NOT a chef. But today, they are both on low. I checked. Twice.

This morning, I was prepping the other parts of the meal, and it just kept not going smoothly. I was a bit flustered to begin with. I’ve suspicious that Laela has a bladder infection :/ It wouldn’t really add up if she did, but I’m watching her closely. Definitely don’t want to let one get advanced. But I felt a bit off my game from that whole thing, and realized I had to stop pestering her and continue on with my day.

So I started chopping broccoli into two bowls. Remember, two batches of everything. A few minutes into that, the little boys were ready for naps, so I put them down. A few more minutes into chopping broccoli, I cut myself. Not bad, but enough that it wasn’t stopping right away. So I snuck back up into our room, careful not to wake Solly, and grabbed some bandages. I got everything washed up well and wrapped up, and once the coast was clear, I finished up the chopping. I went to get my pre-made broccoli salad dressing in my fridge, and noticed I didn’t have enough. No problem. I went to whip up another batch but of course, my ingredients were low. So I made a half batch and finished it up. At least I had enough, right? I went to stick the salads in the fridge, but had forgotten to add the red onion. So I pulled that out and chopped some up. Of course, the smell made me cry, as did the onion juices seeping into my freshly bandaged cut. Felt marvellous. But I sucked it up. That salad is amazing and entirely worth it.

I cleaned up my island and went onto the next thing. I made a dessert yesterday that needed a glaze, so I gathered up the few little ingredients. A person cannot mess up glaze, right? Even me! I didn’t mess it up. I did somehow manage to break a perfectly good spatula stirring it, though. Don’t ask me how. It was literally half a cup of icing sugar, vanilla, and milk, but ok… The dessert will still be good. I accidentally doubled a chunk of it, lol, but it was a delicious chunk so I’m not too worried. It did, however, make the dessert spill over in the oven. I was lazy enough not to clean up the dish last night, also, so the plastic wrap was fully cemented to it. But like I said, the actual dessert itself should be yummy. I hope, haha! Questioning a few things now.

The last thing I prepared today was some chopping pineapple. We got these weird pineapples that do not look ripe AT ALL, but I figured I’d give them a try before sending Brady to Costco on his way home to pick up the pre-chopped stuff. I grabbed my spiral pineapple slicer and a cutting board to get things going. I normally do my chopping and preparing just right on my butcher block island top, but for really messy things, I use a cutting board, just to contain the pieces or juices. Well this pineapple completely surprised me! The juices overflowed with speed that send them pouring long past the cutting board and straight onto the floor. Ack! Its a good problem to have, let’s be real. Your pineapple is TOO juicy? No such thing. So I grabbed a bunch of paper towel and prepared for the next one to be the same juiciness. Even with my preparedness, the second pineapple flowed along my island and onto my floor. It was like it was laughing at me. Jerk pineapple. It even had the nerve to pour its sugary goodness into my wound that was still pounding from its onion bath earlier.

My dishes were done before my supper prep began, and I’m sure you can imagine my kitchen is now a total mess. I’m ok with that, though. My food is prepared, and its going to be delicious. I hope. I think. I should double check on that crock pot…..

 

**

 

Side note: Just in case anyone wanted to know, in the middle of writing this post, Laela had a very successful bathroom trip, so I think the hypothetical UTI is just that – hypothetical. Yay for my little potty trainer still being able to pee!

Laela is a fantastic helper. I hope I do this stage of her life right, and foster my appreciation for her work ethic correctly, because she LOVES to help. I know, I know, “it won’t last forever.” But maybe it would at least leave a good taste in her mouth about helping and participating and all of those good things.

Dekker’s school days thrilled Laela. Not because she doesn’t like to play with Dekker, but because she has zero competition for the jobs. They constantly fight over who gets to help. Its kind of the best problem to have.

But Laela is struggling today. She’s upset because I’m not letting her do all of the jobs. Because she is too sick.

I wouldn’t let her help me empty the dishwasher OR assemble Solly’s bottles, which she was pretty unhappy about. I just can’t risk it transferring through the kids again! I know its entirely likely that it will, but I’m going to do my part to stop it from happening, and that means not getting snot on the dishes. The little miss was pretty distraught until I offered that she could help with the dirty dishes. That seemed to help. I don’t usually have them help with stuff like that, but she wanted to! So she loaded the cutlery, plates, and cups, while I did the slightly less straight-forward stuff. When the dishwasher was full, she was super happy to be able to put the soap in and press the buttons. These are coveted tasks, believe me. Beyond that, Laela is helping put wet clothes in the dryer, and I even hoist her on top of the machines to press the buttons. So she’s getting her fill of jobs, haha! But just try to tell her that 😉 I have to bake today or tomorrow, but I’m leaving it for tonight, or sometime when she’s not around, because she would be SO SAD not to be able to participate! She is just chomping at the bit for things to do. Yet she rests between each and every job. She is SO shot.

Behold, Laela taking some cans out to the recycling in the garage. Love her. Look at that poor raw, rashy face.

My last update on her is that, since getting sick a few days ago, she has only had ONE accident!! She was super feverish and out of it and was dozing on the couch, and she peed. But she told us right away, and finished up in the toilet. Thank goodness for easy to clean leather couches!!

So thankful for my little girly. She is an amazing daughter and friend and helper. Now to just get her better!

A good while ago now, we booked routine appointments for the little boys. I’m pretty sure kids have routine appointments in general, but considering I’m fairly often pregnant and going to regular prenatal appointments, we tend to sneak in little checks on the kids here and there. I rarely actually book them appointments unless they’re quite sick. But since my last pregnancy failed, we knew we wouldn’t be seeing the doctor as much. So we decided to book the boys into the recommended time frame that we had previously discussed with Dr. Guselle. Rowan needed his two year appointment, and it was suggested that Solly be seen around nine months. Both of those times fell about a month ago, so we booked them in together.

With three out of the four kids feeling pretty under the weather, it was a bit of a hands-on appointment. Emotions were running high, as you can imagine. And then all of those emotions were put in an exam room and told to wait. Hahaha! So yes, a gong show. But we’ve been there before, and they know us. So we waited and did our best.

It was the PERFECT day for Dr. Guselle to come in on her own, rather than having to see a student first.

We started with Solly, because he was momentarily settled and Rowan was off exploring the stirrups attached to the table, lol! Promise me it isn’t just my kids that have a fascination with those things. Solly jumped on my lap and smiles and stuck his tongue out and charmed the heck out of his doctor. She was happy to hear that he is now crawling well, on his hands and knees, and sitting up on his own. We said he was making some specific letter sounds, and knew his name. She asked if he ever cried or reached for specific toys. I told her he doesn’t really, but that he definitely eyes up what he wants and just goes to get it himself. She laughed at his classic “fourth child” demeanour, and said that was just fine developmentally. She gave him a nice once over, listened to his lungs, checked his ears, eyes, and throat. He checked out just fine. His overall stats had me a little worried, with him somehow only weighing 22 lbs, but his growth chart shows him comfortably on the 85th percentile, which I’m happy about. He’s also just over 30″ tall, which is HUGE! He is over the 97th percentile on that one 🙂 He is a healthy, pleasant little dude, according to both his family and his health care provider, so I’m calling his appointment a definite win!

Rowan was next up, and he was a bit trickier to get a read on. He was SO tired going into the appointment, and didn’t appreciate having to do anything beyond what he himself wanted to do in that exact moment. For that reason, he was weighed on the baby scale and had his height measured by laying him on the table and drawing a line at his head and his feet. Height wise, he is 3′ tall, still leaving him around the 85th percentile. His weight has dropped, though. He weighs just over 28 lbs. He’s still healthy, and even on the bigger side, but he dropped from the 85th to the 75th percentile. NOT a problem or even a concern, but as Dr. Guselle said, we’ll check in on his weight in a few months when I’m inevitably in for a prenatal appointment 🙂 I can’t wait for that day… But seriously, she was very reassuring that Rowan’s size is just fine. I spoke to her about the changes made to his mouth, and how he had no blanket anymore. She said it seemed like we made the right decision, and that clearly his sleep wasn’t suffering for it, considering how much this boy sleeps. We spoke about his development as well, and he met every milestone she mentioned. He can walk backwards, he can complete a two-task instruction, and he plays well on his own, making up his own games. As we were discussing that last one, Ro climbed up onto the chair beside me, sat on his knees, and began barking. It was pretty endearing, honestly. And our doctor is fabulous, and played along with him. I did bring to her attention that I have a small concern with his hearing. It doesn’t make total sense, but I just threw it out there, and she’s so great and took me seriously instead of writing me off. I’ve been suspicious Rowan’s hearing isn’t batting 100 for a while now, yet his speech is AWESOME, and sooo clear! So he may just be a two year old and not have the time or interest to listen to me. Or he might not be able to hear me. She checked his ears and said his ears are not in any way red or infected, but there does appear to be a bit of fluid in them. But he’s sick, too, so that could be a factor. Either way, she offered to send a referral to the clinic at RUH and have his hearing tested, which I appreciate. Other than that, though, everything else checked out. His persistent sick pooping has got him a little bit of a yeast diaper rash, but we’re no strangers to that, and are on top of it. Ro did not want her to listen to his lungs, but she followed him over to the corner he was hiding in and did it there, crouched on the floor. Again, love her. He checked out wonderfully, with a few little follow-ups to come.

Once the appointments were done, Dr. Guselle walked us over to the stickers and let each kid pick two. She’s always so patient, where I feel a little bit flustered, and want to rush the kids so they don’t waste her time. Everyone picked their stickers, and out we went. As soon as we were at the van, Laela had to pee. We had been brave and brought her out in panties rather than a pull-up, so I rushed her in and even just with me holding her on the toilet (because we didn’t have a potty seat) she peed! Not everyone will understand the gravity of this, but it was pretty awesome. I brought her back to the van, and Dekker then announced that he had to pee, too. So I brought him with me and Rowan, and we went back in for that pee break, as well as finally catching Rowan up on his shots. He is DONE now until he’s four. Woot!

Our couple of hours at the doctor went really well, though the kids were pretty finished by the end of it. I can’t blame them. They had been so good 🙂 I always feel good after an appointment with Dr. Guselle, though. She is a picture of reassurance and warmth. I don’t know too many people who always leave their doctor feeling uplifted. It was so nice.

Now, perogies for supper, and broccoli salad. Yum! I’m so ready for a relaxed evening here at home 🙂 I hope you’re all enjoying the warmer weather, whether you got our rain or not. Spring is upon us!

I feel like I’m in a strange stage of life. I’m SO thrilled with my life; being a wife and a mother. I can’t wait to keep growing my family and continuing on that journey, however it looks. I deeply desire more kids, which isn’t a secret. I do feel fulfilled. Don’t get me wrong. But I am in search mode. Roaming. I’m not entirely sure what for.

I have a lot of ideas in my head, and I don’t expect to be able to make a clear post about them, especially when I don’t know how to organize them myself, so I’m not even going to try. But I am desiring something else. Something about reaching out, and having my own ministry of sorts. I want to reach out to people, or at least to have people KNOW that they can come to me. I WANT to talk to you guys, and hear from me. Which leads me to this post.

About two months ago, I shared with you guys about our miscarriage. That very day, and in the days and weeks that followed, an amazing amount of people came forward both publicly and privately, and shared that they too had suffered a loss, or lots of losses, or were struggling through infertility, or loneliness, or grief. I want you all to know that I haven’t forgotten you and the stories you shared. I actually look back to that post, and read the comments over. I read back over the private messages I received. And I wonder about you guys.

I wonder if speaking about these things made you feel better or stirred up old pain, making it worse. My biggest ache is for those of you who lost the last baby you had conceived. I wonder how you are. Have you conceived again? Are you grieving so hard that you can’t even think about that? Have you not been able to conceive since your loss? How is your heart? Are you dealing on these things, or closing up?

I know that no one’s pain in the same, and I don’t claim to understand how each of you felt in your time of loss and grief. While we were greatly supported through our miscarriage, we had a small amount of people subtly suggest that our loss wasn’t as sad because we already have kids. I don’t think those people meant anything rude by that, and we didn’t take offence. I understand that our pain is different than other people’s pain. But it was still very real, and continues to be. We miss our Theo so so much.

Losing a baby is HARD, whether it happens the day you find out, or a month later, or at the very very end. Different levels of pain, but they’re all real. Trying to conceive is HARD, whether its one month with negative tests, or several years. (You may think we can’t speak to this, but we actually can.) To ache and long for a baby, and to treat your body like its pregnant, and to watch so closely for symptoms that they appear, only to be unsuccessful over and over again. Its exhausting, and painful. Its HARD.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. I don’t want to be nosey, but for those of you who reached out to me, I’d be thrilled if you would again 🙂 I want you to you I’d love to chat with you, and that you have a safe place here. All of you mamas (in heart or in body) are so heavy on my heart these days. I hope you’re ok. Whether you are or aren’t, I hope we can talk soon. 💜