I’m blown away over and over by how much support I feel from you guys. Yesterday was a low day, and as you guys know, I’m not big on hiding how I feel. So I put it out there on a Facebook/Instagram post, as well as yesterday’s blog entry, and I felt nothing but love back.

I’m not naive, though. I’m positive there are some people out there who judge me, or feel as though I’ve done wrong. By being public about our loss. By mourning openly. My using social media to share personal information. To have as many kids as we’ve had and to still want more. To these people, I can honestly say that its ok to feel these things. We can agree to disagree, and have no love lost <3 To those who disagree with how I’m coping, or family building in general, I want to deeply thank you for keeping it to yourself. I expected to get flack from at least a small handful of people, and I have felt nothing but love. Its been an incredible aid in my healing and coping. Let’s keep the supportive juices flowing.

With all of the love and support I’ve been feeling, I admit that I’ve been toying with the idea of doing things differently in our next go-round of pregnancy. The biggest reason that a lot of people wait to share their news is in case there is a miscarriage. Now, having gone through a miscarriage, I know I’d share it with you guys anyway. I’m also aware of the fact that, because I was public about it, my readers are in the know about the fact that we tried to have another kid, and will very likely try again soon. So if suddenly I clam up on all of the levels of baby talk for three months, everyone is going to know that we’re likely pregnant. All of this boils down to me wondering if I should just share the news right off the hop the next time we find out we’re pregnant. Why not? So more people can pray along the way in those early weeks! So we can celebrate earlier! So I don’t have to make up posts when I’ve been at the doctors and am feeling sick to my stomach for weeks! So I can continue to be OPEN about our family and life! And so that, if we lose another precious baby, I will have even more love and support from those of you who have been along for the ride in anticipating our baby and hoping for the best. Will there be downsides? Sure, there is always that risk. But I feel like, if the hypothetical group of people who disagree with our decisions continue to keep their opinions under wraps, it won’t be as difficult to roll with the punches.

Lots of thoughts swirling around in my head these days, and this is one thats been in there for the last two months or so, since we lost Theo. I can’t seem to shake it off. The extra prayer we would receive might be worth the few small things we’d lose along the way, like a surprise baby announcement. I think. Haha! It would appear I’m non-committal. Any insight, opinions, or thoughts on the subject would be welcomed with open arms.

Once again, I thank you all for your unbelievable amount of care and concern. I am floored and humbled by it all.

I would be twenty weeks pregnant today.

I was going to take a picture in the mirror to show the profile of my empty baby belly, but I just don’t want to.

I feel sad today. And heavy.

I’m trying to just keep rolling, though. Please trust me when I say again that I am not looking to milk the loss of our baby to get attention. I’m just trying to be open and honest about how I feel. And today, I feel sad.

Yesterday and today, we began sorting through the kids clothing. We removed everything that no longer fit, and at least for the younger boys, we dug into tubs to find hand-me-downs for them in the next size up. I’m a bit funny in the way that I love getting all of the new stuff out of storage and getting it all washed up and ready to use, but I tend to drag my feet on putting away the old stuff. Its not even based on nostalgia. I just don’t care for that part of it. Maybe it just feels more like work and less like I’m opening a present. Brady and I tag teamed it this time around, which I really appreciated, because every single kid has sized up, and it was a huge job. Now, the fun part begins of filling all of the “holes” in their wardrobes for the warmer weather. In case you hadn’t put details together, we have one child born in each season. So while there is some carry over from kid to kid, its not exact. Rowan is well stocked with long sleeved shirts in his size, but he doesn’t have much for tshirts. Things like that. He was born in February, and Dekker was born in August. So their seasons just don’t line up. Which I’m ok with, because I do appreciate a good reason to shop without any guilt.

We’re pulling out tshirts and shorts and swimwear, and we’re digging though bins for runners, sandals, and rubber boots. We’re making sure each kid has a good hat, and a spring jacket. Rain gear, too. So much to think about at this stage of the game when everyone is growing. I could buy a rain jacket and wear it for years, but not these kids. All of this digging and sorting has been fun, and has really excited me for the seasons to come. I’m really looking forward to our lake trip we have booked in summer, and I’m sure we’ll end up on the road more than once, on the hunt for family time, sand, sunshine, and ice cream.

And then my heart hurts, because I just ache for my fifth little baby to be along for the ride. I want the little baby legs to hang out of the carrier, with the little sun hat poking out, as we walk down the beach, or through our little lake town, with Brady pushing the double stroller with Solly and Rowan inside, and Dekker and Laela walking just up ahead of us. Its a really nice picture. And it still will be. This I know. But UGH!!! I want my Theo to be there with us, and he will not be. He will be in a far better place, but my selfish heart just hurts to hold him. I want to be daydreaming about the tiny little summer clothes I’d dress him in. About how he’d sleep on me at the beach. About how well he’d fit in with us. But I can’t. I mean, I can, but it hurts pretty badly today.

I am grateful for my life, and I am thankful for every day. It is a good day. It is a productive day. I have everything I need. But I am sad. I want my baby.

I’m going to make this the last post about Calgary. I’ve condensed the last few days of pictures to just the faves, and thats just going to be it, haha! I think the science centre was the highlight of the trip anyway, so I’m glad it got its own post, but if I parcelled out each event into a separate post, it would be at least a week of this. So, behold, the rest of the pictures I have to share.

*** I should say first that I’m not sharing photos of our visit with Brady’s sister’s family for two reasons. One is that I forgot to ask and I’m already into the post, and the other is because I only have a few photos and the real action is showed in all of the videos we took. So there is ZERO burn here, lol! I promise! I will show you, though, the picture of the big kids after that visit. They had SO much fun, it wiped them right out, hahaha! They didn’t move for a solid hour.

That evening, we had a special pizza party. We first ducked out Walmart to buy chips for our party, and then we ordered Pizza Hut to be delivered to our hotel room. I was AMAZED at how fast they came with our food! We called right at supper time, as in between 5:00 – 5:30, and our pizza was in our room twenty minutes later. We pushed all of the furniture to the side and sat on the floor to eat. I had planned to put a movie on, to make it extra special, but everyone was solidly happy and entertained with each other that there was no need at all! We just enjoyed ourselves.

Rowan started feeding Solly Cheerios all on his own. It was SO cute!

Rowan was loving the pizza hugs. Just constantly, to daddy, “Hug! Kiss! Taste! Hug!”

The next morning we hit the breakfast buffet for the second time. The kids were SO happy and photogenic. It was a yummy breakfast, and a good lead into our day of shopping.

Shopping day was full and busy, so this is really the only time I pulled out the camera to take pictures. Brady took Dekker to the bathroom and we just waited nearby. For the life of me, I couldn’t get them all to look at once. Story of my life.

It was a successful Ikea trip, and Rowan was SO over it, so we didn’t make it to Cross Iron Mills like we had hoped to. But that was fine. We ate supper in our hotel and did some more swimming in the evening.

The next morning was our last morning at the hotel. We went to breakfast in our jammies.

They just loved running those halls.

Once again, we have a breakfast collage.

They drew so much attention as they ate breakfast each morning, and I really understand why. They were SO content with their cereal and muffins and melon chunks, and we were so proud to show their beautiful selves off.

When we left the hotel, I went to the front desk and made sure we were appropriately checked out. The woman behind the desk said she was sad to see us go. Haha! I know she very lightly wasn’t, because whats the difference? But she said they had enjoyed watching our family come and go, and that we seemed really happy, and that the kids were very cute. And she was right. We are happy, and they are cute. I told her I sometimes feel like we’re a bit of a sideshow, and that sometimes people must see us coming and just cringe. She was very reassuring that their hotel drew families much larger than ours, and that family is family. I felt very welcome, and like we weren’t an inconvenience, like I sometimes feel we are. It was a nice note to end on, for sure.

So, if you haven’t already grasped it, we HIGHLY recommend staying at the Staybridge Suites in Calgary. It was wonderfully accommodating in pretty much every way. We felt welcome and taken care of. It would have still been a good trip had we stayed elsewhere, but I don’t think we would have been as comfortable in a smaller space, and wouldn’t have slept as well. And we all know how sleep dependant our kids are 😉

This place is a winner. Born-approved.

Our first day in Calgary consisted of a trip to the science centre. We spent the morning and a chunk of the afternoon there, and left when the meltdowns began. But we have SO MANY pictures from that day, so be ready.

Ready?

This was a favorite right off the hop, sending a ball across different drums and cymbals.

Rowan hung out in the stroller at this point, but was obviously still very cute.

Brady helping the kids produce energy

And again

We weren’t allowed into any exhibit with food or drinks, and we had coffees. So for at least the first part of the exploration and playing, I stayed out with Solly and we supervised the coffees. He was good company.

This next part was a lot of fun for the kids. Just a bunch of heavy foam chunks in the middle of a wide open space to build and play with. They LOVED it! And Brady and I could just sit back and watch our lovely children.

It was fun enough that no one wanted to leave. Specifically this one didn’t want to leave…

Then, they made new maps, and created music with clouds. They really solidly enjoyed every game.

This thing was the BEST. I won’t lie. I was super apprehensive when the kids went in. I would never tell them not to, but a VERY short time ago, Dekker would have freaked right out in this kind of environment. I had visions of someone losing their cool and me having to squeeze myself through the maze (with Solly still attached to my) and drag someone’s wailing body out. But guys, that did not happen.

They actually loved it!

They even crossed paths from time to time, but neither was in any way dependant on the other. They just played. For probably close to an hour.

While Dekker and Laela did that, Brady and Rowan had some special together time playing games that were slightly more suited for the younger crowd.

Solly and I kept an eye on the big kids. Ok, I kept an eye on them. Solly slept. I smooched him. It was also nice.

Later that day, we headed home, and the little boys had short naps. But we had waited too long, and it didn’t prove to be an especially easy evening. That being said, we were determined to squeeze in some extra things that would be special and different, so we got everyone into their swim stuff and went swimming.

It was a wonderful kick off to our holiday 🙂 The kids were so happy, and we were solidly worn out in that sore and also rewarding way. Thank goodness for comfy beds!!

As I mentioned on Facebook earlier today, I have WAY too many pictures to share on one post. I think it’ll need to be a two part post. At least. Like it should really be more. Maybe it will be… Let’s just see how far we get. I should definitely be writing this stuff at the end of the post, but we all know I’m not going to come back up here and change it. Sooooo onto the pictures!

We’ll just start with getting there 🙂 In case you weren’t sure, our kids are AMAZING travellers!

I know, you’ve probably seen these ones already if you’re part of my Facebook or Instagram page. But if you’re not, here they are! Road tripping in the bus was way nicer than any other way we’ve tried it. It was comfortable, smooth, and honestly, it didn’t suck gas like we thought it would. It cost more than the minivan to operate, sure, but really not by much. We were pleasantly surprised.

Taking breaks along the way. He’s a pretty cute bathroom buddy. Loves those automatic sinks! Automatic toilets, not so much.

She is SUCH a beauty, and was incredibly pleasant the whole trip!

Rowan was a picture of static, lol! And I didn’t have the nerve to make him have a ponytail the entire time. But he seemed not to care, and giggled when he’d push it out of his face and it would persistently stick.

Solly was SO good, waiting long stretches without being able to just play on the floor somewhere. He enjoyed his milk breaks, and drank well, which is not always the case. That was a huge relief to us.

The drive itself was surprisingly seamless. We rarely ever go to Calgary, and the kids have never been. We are in Edmonton much more often. The roads have been less travelled by us, but they were fun. Driving through Drumheller was a highlight, with all of the winding roads and dinosaurs to spot. But while the drive was great, it was even better to arrive at our hotel!

I’ve gushed enough about our hotel, so I’ll leave that out for today. But seriously, the kids raced from bedroom to bedroom, literally running out their energy. They were SO happy!

As I’m sure you can imagine, getting set up and settled and getting food on the go is always a gong show upon arrival. The kids were all of exhausted and energetic and teary and shot and wired and all of the things. And hungry. And it was getting late. So we decided on macaroni for our first meal there.

This is how our seating worked. If you saw the quick YouTube tour I made, you already know this. The kids sat around the counter on chairs, and Brady sat on a tub in the kitchen, haha! I sat against the wall on the other end with Solly. Thank goodness we remembered last minute to bring the high chair that would normally sit on a chair. It just sat on the counter.

He was a pretty cute supper buddy.

Honestly, guys, I think thats all I’m going to put up today. The next day worth of pictures is just too huge to combine with anything else. But hey, the first day was pretty cute too, I’d say. If anyone wants to travel with us next time, just let us know 😉 We do have a bus now, so we’ve got the room!

About a month ago, I replaced my conch earring with a new purple one. I was probably two excited about it, honestly. I just hadn’t changed my jewelry in eight years, and it was fun to go totally different! It was a week or two before it got a bit sore on me.

Conch rings are a bit tricky in general. Maybe not every one, but mine is. Because I wear a ring in mine, rather than a barbell, if I sleep on it funny, I pay for it. When it gets pulled on like that for a period of time, it gets very sore, and takes a few days to “heal.” I’ve heard it described as a piercing that never really completely heals. I’ve had this piercing for ten years now, so clearly its pretty good and healed. But when I got sore in that spot a couple of weeks back, I assumed I had just slept on it wrong, and dismissed it.

Our life is busy, and the state of my earring is not at the top of my priority list, so I didn’t really think about it much, or how long it had been sore. Or why it had been sore.

About a week, maybe ten days ago, it started oozing a bit. I figured I must have really annoyed it with that hypothetical bad sleep, and once again, left it alone. But I couldn’t for long, as it worsened. It got much more sore, and was oozing a lot. I tried to clean it with salt water, but it did nothing beyond making my ear wet.

It was REALLY hurting me when we were in Calgary, and I hoped that the chlorine in the pool would kill off whatever was in there. It did actually bring very slight temporary relief, but the dried crust just came off anyway and we were back to square one.

I was so relieved to pull the big bottle of hydrogen peroxide out when we got home. I know thats not “the” method these days, but I know it worked back in the day when I had my earlobes pierced, and I was willing to take on the sting that would come with it. Again, I had some relief with it, but it was short lived. It went from oozing when I fiddled with it to a constant disgusting stinky ooze. (Aren’t you guys glad you’re reading this? Don’t you feel like you were there? Delicious, I know.) But it was pretty out of control. The purple was coming off of the ring, indicating it was a much cheaper piece of jewellery than I had originally thought. I was disappointed, but I was also in pain, and ready to be out of pain.

Do you want to know how hard it was to get that hoop out of there?? My ear was SO swelled up, there was no possible way I could just slip it off. And it was such a beefy ring, I wasn’t strong enough to bend it. With that, every time I bumped it or pulled it at all, it shot pain around. All below my ear was very very sore (I assume from the infection spreading) and my ear itself was now massive and red and VERY angry. I eventually used a nail clipper as a wedge and forced the ring to open juuust enough to slip it out. And MAN! That hurt SO MUCH!!!

I doused my ear with hydrogen peroxide good and proper, and got all of the crusties cleaned off. I dug out the ring I had been wearing previous to this purple one. The ring was still fine, but the ball had fallen out, hence the new ring. But this one would at least keep the pierced hole from closing overnight. Since my ear was quite so angry, I had to use the same nail clipper method to stretch the ring further open, but it worked and I got the new ring in. It was so painful. I popped some Advil and went to rejoin Bachelor night.

Within minutes, my ear was back to its normal size, or at least very close. It also didn’t hurt as much at all. By the next morning, it was still producing some nasties, but the entire night produced about as much crud as it had in twenty minutes the day before. We are officially on the mend!

So. I’m still rocking this old ring, just for another day or two, to get nice and healed up, and I went to a piercing shop today and picked up a new titanium ring and bling. I’m excited to put that one in and never ever change it again, hahaha! Even once every 8-10 years was NOT worth this amount of pain!

Moral of the story: Buy quality jewellery! I’ve never had a reaction to cheap metals, but apparently I am, and I do NOT recommend messing with them! So. Much. Pain. Beware mall jewellery!!!

I am SO pumped to share that Solly is starting crawl!! I put a video of it up on my Instagram so definitely check it out 🙂 I’d put WAY more videos on here if I didn’t have to upload them to YouTube first. Kind of annoying when they’re just quick little cute things. But this is a milestone I’m really excited about.

Yes, yes, I know. Once kids crawl, you can’t set them down and expect them to stay in one place. Sure, thats a bit of a pain. BUT! I love that he can get his own toys sometimes, and will soon be following us around the house. I love that he’s growing and changing and developing exactly as he should. He is our earliest crawler too, which is new and exciting.

The big kids are also SUPER excited for Solly to be crawling! Dekker keeps saying “We should cheer for him, so he knows we’re so proud of him!” So we cheer, and he stares at us until we stop. Its pretty awesome.

Now the hunt for the baby gate begins. We have a bit of an interesting situation here where the gate will need to go, so it might be a tad tricky. Factors:

The staircase is wider than average. Gates for this situation do exist, I am aware.

The posts that our gate will attach to are not directly across from each other. Is “adjacent” the right word? If it is, they aren’t. So any gate that we put up will be slightly diagonal. Which is tricky.

To play off of that previous factor, our house still feels very new to us, and the idea of screwing some big chunky diagonal gate into the beautiful posts of our railings is a bit of a kick in the stomach. It feels a bit like it needs to be perfect for us to want to punch such a big hole somewhere that it couldn’t easily be repaired, if at all, in the future.

Lastly, this gate will be at the top of the stairs directly when you enter our house. So something jimmy rigged is possible, but would likely be a temporary solution.

I feel like our best bet will be to have a gate made, likely by the man who built our railings. But that will be both expensive and time consuming. We’ve always sort of talked about that being what we’ll do, but of course we didn’t prioritize it when 3/4 kids were fine on the stairs, and the other one wasn’t mobile. Now he is, and we’re behind.

Either way, we will find something soon. I am still SO happy that Solly has finally figured that cute little crawl/shimmy out. We all are, over here. Small victories.

Usually, my first day back from a trip is busy. I clean up the kitchen (because it was inevitably left a mess from us packing frantically the day before we left) and do TONS of laundry. I put away as much as I can, and at least a good chunk of the cleanup would be done. Then, Brady comes home and helps with what is left, and the trip is all taken care of. Done and done.

I highly recommend doing this a different way.

This morning, I took Dekker to school. My mom came to be with the kids, like she often does, and then I invited her to stay for the day. So I spent a lot of the day sitting, visiting with my mom, and sipping coffee. It was SUCH a nice day, and far less stressful than my usual first day back.

Beyond the general enjoyment of having a day like today, my mom and I had some wonderful, exciting, motivating conversations. I have so many ideas and so many goals but I feel a bit directionless. No decisions were made exactly, but it was really nice to be able to talk about some things and really just say a few things out loud to someone I love in a judgement free zone. I love my mom.

My husband is now on his way home, and Dekker is home from school. In a couple of hours, Jerilee is coming for Bachelor night!! We have SO MUCH to catch up on, so no spoilers!! I hope you all have great evenings like the one I’m anticipating 🙂

Our drive home from our holiday was actually better than the drive there. I feel like it often goes the other way, but it was a very pleasant surprise! There were fewer complaints regarding the length of the drive, no complaints about food or fatigue, etc. They ate when we said it was time to eat, took bathroom breaks and got fresh diapers when opportunities arose, and played with their toys well. Seriously, each kid had a mini magnadoodle. Thats it. And they were content and happy. It was really really awesome.

We got a later start on things, so unfortunately, we didn’t get to stop in Drumheller for the dinosaur museum. It was too bad, but we knew we would be pushing out luck with it. Now that we’re home, and the drive was quite so well received, and bedtime has been a bit of a throw down, I’m glad we didn’t take those extra hours to stop. Then the meltdown would have come while we were still on the road, which is not ideal at all. This was a good choice. Instead, we drove slowly through the town and picked out the dinosaurs 🙂 which they liked. So I call it a win.

About an hour from home, my mom texted me and invited us over for a quick supper, so we could have a visit, and also not have to make food. Win! We accepted right away and after dropping off our cooler at home, we drove right over. We mad macaroni, hot dogs, and fruit salad. It was delicious, and the kids were thrilled.

As I mentioned, bedtime was a bit of a gong show, but its over now. Brady is unloading the last few things from the van, and soon we’ll run a tub and enjoy a soak. I’m so happy to be back, with my own tub, and my own bed! Trips are wonderful, but home is just the best. I love home.

Dekker goes back to school tomorrow, and I think maybe I’ll do laundry, but thats all for now. No big time commitments this week, so we’ll take it slow getting back into routine. Why rush?

Our pizza party last night was SO fun, and the three older kids slept well through the night. Solly, not so much, but that seems to be the trend for him here. Thats one thing that I’m very much anticipating about going home tomorrow, haha! Getting back on track in the sleep department! But until then, we’re enjoying our last day here.

We enjoyed our free hot breakfast downstairs, like we did our first morning here. Its just really yummy, with lots of variety, and nice people nearby in case you need absolutely anything. It was a tasty morning, followed by a trip to Ikea. We didn’t do too much damage, but we got a tv stand, some blinds for two upstairs windows, a cozy throw blanket and pillow, and some little odds and ends. Ikea carries these little tea light lanterns, and they currently carry them in purple, and Dekker insisted that Laela and I each get one. It was cute. I always get a handful of napkins and things like that. Overall, it was a successful trip! Solly was getting pretty loud toward the end of it, but the ergo saved our lives, as it often does. Rowan wasn’t far behind needing a nap, so we left and drove back to the hotel.

We were going to fill the rest of our afternoon with some more shopping, but I’m not sure the gang is feeling up to it. They’ve asked for the pool, so we’ll probably try for that one last time, and perogies and sausage are on the menu for supper tonight. I think it’ll close our trip off perfectly.

Happy Sunday, friends. I hope you’ve had a really sweet weekend.