I heard from my doctor yesterday evening already, which was totally unexpected! When her number popped up on my phone, I thought the worst, because as I said yesterday, I figured that if she took a day or two to call, it was likely nothing ominous. But she called the same day.

Aaaaand the results are good 🙂 Quite a bit better, anyway. It looks like I have officially dodged a D&C!!! *insert annoying celebratory noisemaker sounds here*All of my linings and internal whatnots appear to be back in order. My blood hormone levels are also on their way back to normal. HCG levels should be in the thousands in a healthy first trimester, and mine registered at a measly 40. Another week or two and they should be at zero.

As for the spot that we saw on my ultrasound… My doctor didn’t mention it at all, so I brought it up. She reread the report that the radiologist had sent her, and confirmed that absolutely nothing like that had been noted on the report. I told her I trusted her, but that I did see the inconsistency with my own eyes. I told her as much as I had grasped, and that it had appeared to be stuck in place, whatever it was. She seemed to have a moment of clarity, and said that it was very likely that there was a single area of my uterus with a slightly thicker lining, therefore showing up as a slightly different color on the scan. Its too bad, because as we’ve said, our tech was SO careful not to say too much of anything, and this is probably something she shouldn’t have said. No love lost there, though. I’m SO relieved that no abnormalities were noted.

It still seems like a strange thing to be gunning for, if I’m being honest. To be desiring my body to be without child, completely void of any and all signs that a baby did live there quite so recently. Its weird, and I don’t much care for the feeling. But I also understand my situation, and why we’re rooting for what we’re rooting for. I keep reminding myself, little man was gone a long time ago. Over a month now. He’s with Jesus. This is just the medical side of things, where his body needs to come all the way out before I can be healthy again. This is just the earthly side. This is NOT me wishing he was never within me. This is NOT me not wanting him. I ache for him. Ugh. My body hurts.

Its not over. Thats probably clear to anyone reading this. But I do have some peace, and some closure finally. But I don’t think this will ever be over over. You know what I mean.

*** On a completely separate note, I just want to put out there for anyone wondering, or in a similar boat, I am more than willing to talk gorey details. I actually almost wrote a post about it, but I don’t want to upset anyone, or share more than I should. BUT I am not shy, and if anyone wants to know more about my story, or ask questions about theirs, I’m here to compare notes for anyone who wants to but might be too nervous to ask others. Just keep me in mind, if you need, or even just want to know more. I’ve just tried to keep the level of ick factor down for the weaker stomachs and the handful of male readers I have 🙂 Just in case.

I went in this morning for what I hope was my last scan in this chapter of our lives. I drank the water, and waited the hour, and saw the same tech who I’ve come to really like. She seemed standoffish at our first scan but we’ve figured her out and she’s warmed up to us.

As the rules are, she really can’t say anything. She did mention, though, that things are looking much better. No big thick vessels left. It seems like things have definitely improved. That being said, though, she didn’t say it was all gone. So we’ll see what the radiologist passes along to my doctor. I did see a mark, right in the centre of my uterus, on the screen. She mentioned that it didn’t have any “flow,” meaning it was stuck in place. Very casually, she said “Could be a scar, or a cyst…” So needless to say, I’m not feeling as “at ease” as I was hoping I would.

I’m doing my best not to jump to any conclusions. If there is something urgent or scary, I think my doctor would call me sooner than later. And if I don’t get a call for a day or two, then it can’t be that bad, right? But I am anticipating her call, obviously.

After my ultrasound, I got my blood taken, so I’ll likely hear back about that at the same time as my other results.

We spent the rest of the day running errands and getting small things accomplished. It doesn’t feel like we did much, but I got carsick towards the end and I can’t seem to shake of the nauseous feeling. I’m embarrassed to think I may have overdone it, even though I did so little. So now, I’m laying in bed, eating crackers, and taking a break. We shall see what (if anything) the evening holds.

Thanks so much to those of you who continue to check on me and show me love and concern. This has been an incredible time of learning for me, and realizing just how good we have it, even when it feels like so many important things are being taken away. We are SO incredibly blessed.

This next week should be interesting. Maybe not to you guys, but to me. I’m very lucky that Brady had a short break in his schedule, and will be home for a few days!! This opens a few doors for us to get a small handful of things done around here. After the rocky weeks of sickness, headaches, and then finding out we’d lost our sweet baby, time has flown, and it seems as thought we’ve been down and out in one way or another all winter. We had SO MANY goal for winter, none of which were accomplished. We feel like this is a tiny window of opportunity, and we’re hoping to get a start on one or two things, anyway.

First of all, and most importantly, I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning. I know, I’ve had a handful recently. This is likely my last one, and it will hopefully confirm that all remnants and tissues from our baby are gone and out of my body. While this is a weird thing to hope for, the reality is that if I do still have pieces left in there, I’ll end up in the hospital anyway, having to get them removed. I’ve been trying to avoid that this whole time, so tomorrow is sort of “moment of truth-ish.” If you would, please do pray that my body has done its job, and that I can be free and clear of any risks or infections.

After that morning appointment, we have to make another appointment, but this one to get our phones fixed. We had an appointment to get our phones put through the recall program, and it all kind of happened right in the middle of us finding out we’d lost Theo. The batteries arrived well on time, early last week, but things were very up in the air for us, and we couldn’t be making any unnecessary time commitments. Now, we’re in the position to get that all taken care of, so we’re fitting that in tomorrow.

I’m not sure how much more we’ll fit into the next two days, but we have a few projects to finish around the house. Un-squeak all the doors and poly the garage (since we insulated it before Christmas.) Those are the current priorities. But on top of that, I want the great purge to begin. I feel like we purged our stuff like crazy with all of our moves last year, so if it just turns out to the great organization, thats good too. But I want to purge as much as we can, and reorganize and distribute the rest as best as we can, so we can be as prepared as possible to get going on our basement! There will be some stuff living down there as we finish it. Its just reality. But the less we have to move and work around, the better! I’ve already gone through a few smaller sections of stuff we have boxed up. Sadly, its mostly boxed back up and put back downstairs, but we got rid of what we could, and the rest is at least ultra-organized.

Thursday and Friday won’t be too eventful, but we’re hoping to make all of our appointments, accomplish a ton, rest, AND get Brady better in the next three days. Oh, and ideally, we’d come out of them still liking each other. Wish us luck!!

I asked a couple of days ago if anyone was interested in reading about my first prenatal appointment with this pregnancy. A few of you said you would be, so I’m posting it today. It was nice to read back through it and remember my excitement for the months to come. Still so many emotions over here, but nobody said pregnancy is easy, no matter how it turns out. Well worth the risk.

*****

i had my first prenatal appointment today, marking the beginning of my fifth pregnancy! As much as often people don’t like going to the doctor, its not a secret that I love my doctor, and I really love my prenatal appointments. With Laela throwing up the day before, I had arranged that Brady come home and watch the kids (Dekker was at school) rather than me trying to arrange for someone else to do it and possibly spread the sickness. I would always rather we go together, but this just had to be this way.

With the amount of sickness around here recently, I’ve been struggling with feeling like a good mom. I know sickness happens, but with my hormones starting to rage and the fatigue beginning, I was getting down on myself pretty hard. I drove to my appointment, trying to prepare how I might bring this up to Dr. Guselle without sounding crazy.

I got called back to my appointment a few minutes early. I was weighed, and my number was EXACTLY what I had hoped to start this pregnancy at, so that felt like a small victory. My blood pressure was higher than usual, but I had been working myself up quite a bit on my drive over, so I wasn’t surprised. I only waited in the exam room for a couple of minutes before Dr. Guselle arrived.

The first thing she told me was that the moment she saw me on her schedule, she opened up a prenatal page on her computer. This was before she even saw I was there for a prenatal appointment. She made a joke that she just subconsciously knew. She probably did.

First thing was first. She started gathering the requisitions for blood work and ultrasounds, just to get the paperwork out of the way. As she did that, out of the blue, she began asking about my family, and Brady’s family. Where they all lived, how often we saw them, how our dynamic was. It felt like we were just visiting. I loved it. It was very, very natural. I feel like, if not for our doctor-patient relationship, we’d be really easy friends. Once the forms were printed off, we had a laugh about how quick that part had went (we’re old pros by now) and she jumped into the long list of questions regarding genetic sicknesses, general family health, etc.

When she asked how my mood was, I told her it had been a rough week or so. I tried to roll it off but she pressed just a little. I really wanted to tell her. She feels SO safe. So I did. I told her I felt incapable, and like I wasn’t doing a good job of keeping my kids safe and well. I told her how Dekker’s ear infection medicine ran our four doses early, and that I had been SO careful, yet still we were short, and it made me feel crazy and too disorganized to help my kids when they were sick. She was SO reassuring and told me that one day short on his medicine would be ok. She said the ten day dosage allotted for spills, kids refusing it on and off, etc., and that I was doing better than most for getting nine full days in. I told her next that we were struggling with Solly. He had lost weight at his recent appointment for his shots, and since then we’ve been trying to fill him up, but when he eats more solids, he gets horribly constipated, and when he drinks more milk, he isn’t as full as isn’t sleeping as well. She, once again, was so reassuring and encouraging. She said she wasn’t even going to try to give us advice on that beyond “He’s a baby, and you will find that balance. You WILL figure it out.” She did have to ask if I felt like I was getting too overwhelmed or out of hand, and I could honestly tell her I wasn’t, but that by the end of the day, when Brady got home, I felt finished with the day. “And can you be finished with the day, sometimes, when he gets home?” she asked. I told her I could, and that Brady is quick to get home, change, wash up, and dive in, giving me the best break he can. She seemed to melt into her seat a little as I bragged up my incredible, supportive husband. I said to her, “I know, he’s exceptional. I’m SO thankful he’s not a jerk like so many other husbands.” She nodded a BIG nod and said she and I were some of the very lucky ones 😉 I loved that. She wound up this conversation by saying that, despite how I’m feeling in this case, she thinks I am more than capable, and that we’re doing a fantastic job. It felt really good to hear that.

We made a few more plans before we parted ways. As is the system at her clinic now, I’ll be with a student doctor the entire time, just running into Dr. Guselle once in a while. However, the schedule isn’t made into August yet, and she’d like to pair me off with someone who will be here from the beginning through to delivery. Because we can’t know for sure who I’ll be with, she just made us an appointment together in January, and I agreed to a few med students joining the party. So it will be she and I, two med students (I believe), Brady, and all four kids!! So it’ll be a bit of a mad house. But I’m SO looking forward to it, because that will be our heartbeat appointment!!! She said the medical students usually love coming in for prenatals, so I hope its as much fun then as I feel it will be now 🙂

I handed Dr. Guselle a Christmas card on the way out, and walked to my vehicle feeling positive and uplifted, which is SUCH a special gift every time I see her. I feel cared for, and excited about the future! I feel like my secret of feeling insufficient is out in the open now, which is a huge relief, because in Christian circles, it would be as though I now have an accountability partner. I know she will check on my mood every time we talk, and I can tell her honestly how I’m doing.

Unlike my drive to my appointment, I drove home and sang to my music for a little while, before calling my mom and telling her all about my appointment and how much better I felt. This morning was SUCH a good morning.

*****

I really really wish we had gotten to that exciting second prenatal appointment, but I hope and pray we’ll get another shot at a prenatal appointment in the future. Hopefully more than one, even 🙂

I haven’t had a summer baby in a while, and Theo was going to be born at the very end of July or the very beginning of August, so smack dab in the middle of the hottest months! I was SO excited to have a baby at that time, and had realized I wasn’t especially well stocked for summer maternity wear. Over boxing day and in the fairly recent past, I found some exceptional deals, and had put together a pretty nice wardrobe of cute shorty shorts, tank tops, tshirts, and a dress or two.

I’ve been lovingly reminded since this loss began that my clothes will not expire, and I will get a chance to put them to use.

I cleaned up my en suite yesterday, since my makeup area was a total mess, and I found a few items of maternity wear that I hadn’t pulled out yet. I had that sinky heart feeling, and had a quick moment of feeling stupid for having bought these clothes already. Because everybody knows you shouldn’t buy baby stuff in the first trimester. I’ve always thought that was a little bit silly to take too seriously, and this was the first time I really hated that I had bought things in advance.

I only hated it for a second, though, I promise. I KNOW this isn’t the end of the line for us. I am CONFIDENT in that. I will get my chance to wear these clothes over a pregnant body again.

So today, just as a very small (but significant) statement to myself, I made a point to wear maternity clothes. Not that I don’t often enough anyway. Let’s be real. I own far more maternity wear than regular clothing. But I pulled out a beautiful shirt that I specifically bought for this pregnancy. For summer. I paired it with some great maternity jeans I ordered myself over Christmas, and thats the wardrobe. Seems very insignificant, probably, because I would very likely wear these clothes in the coming months anyway, pregnant or not. But it just seemed necessary for me to pull out some of the things I was sad about and rock them anyway.

When I got Laela up this morning, her first comment to me was that she liked my shirt. “I luff it, mommy! Its boosital! (beautiful)” Was she saying that because she’d never seen it before? Probably. But it was nice.

Then we went to get Rowan together, and as soon as we could tell he was indeed awake, she shrieked at him, “Wowan! See mommy’s new shirt?” Rowan stared at my shirts and proclaimed a big “WOW!” Lip service? Yes, most likely. But again, it was nice.

I’m sorry if this post seems silly, or it doesn’t make sense, or I sound self centred. To me, its a very small success story. Just a small part of all of the things making me feel like all is not lost. Something very significant was lost, but not actually lost lost. The world sure lost someone wonderful, but he isn’t lost. I know exactly where he is.

Something crazy is happening. Everyone is napping. 😮 #nappening

Dekker is at school, Laela bawled through lunch and asked for a nap, Rowan always naps now, and so does Solly. Sooooo my house is quiet.

Not all the way quiet. I have my third load of laundry going, and my second load of dishes as well. So there is a bit of a hum, but a very nice, quiet, productive hum. It makes me feel good. Like I’ve been able to get off of the couch and done a few things. I haven’t pushed it either. I’m giving myself lots of room here, because I know thats what I should do. And I feel ok 🙂 Ok enough to do some dishes and laundry, anyway!

Now that my body has calmed down a bit since yesterday, I can focus a bit better on the rest of my life, and my poor kids have just been going through the mill once again! Laela has an awful cold. She’s non-stop coughing, wiping her nose, and can’t open her eyes fully. Rowan, on the other hand, is still quite chipper and seems to be in far better emotional shape, with just a runny nose on his rap sheet. Dekker went to school this morning with a cold, but being that he was in a happy mood this morning, and is capable of wiping his own nose and coughing into his elbow, I figured he would be fine. And Solly! Solly hasn’t fevered since yesterday, thank goodness. His biggest thing right now is teething. He’s skipped his top middle teeth and has popped the one beside where they will be, being that right second (lateral) incisor. Of course, from what I can see, the next one about the surface is his left central incisor on the top. So he’s going to have some funny gaps for a while, which I’m very much looking forward to. 😃

On top of the kids being sick, Brady is also feeling it, and pretty significantly. His work ethic is far too powerful for him to take a sick day, so he’s toughing his days out, but he spends his time at home headachy, with a kleenex shoved up one nostril. I’m not sick, which I couldn’t be more thankful for! I feel like its on the horizon, though, so if you’re still praying for us, please do pray for our general health! This would be a round of sickness I would dearly love to skip out on!

With everyone sleeping, and a few tasks accomplished, I’m going to end this blog by getting some snacks and watching a bit of YouTube. And if I can, I’d like to ask you all a question. I wrote a post back after my first prenatal in Theo’s pregnancy. It was such a positive experience for me, and I wrote it that day so it would be fresh and I could really convey my excitement for the time ahead. Now that the pregnancy isn’t going forward, I’m sad at the thought of just deleting it. I’m thinking I’d like to post it anyway. Objections? Interest? I’d love feedback 🙂

Have a great afternoon!

You guys, I didn’t mean to underestimate you, but I NEVER expected the outpouring of love we received on yesterday’s post!! I honestly wasn’t sure how it would be received. I didn’t know if people would be put off that I had shared something personal that could be seen as taboo. I was a bit worried, but I also wanted to record this time for me, and for my family. It will go in our blog books, and be a very significant post that we’ll read years from now and reminisce about who Theo would have been. Thank you, all, for your support, your compassion, and your lack of judgement.

I learned something really important yesterday, and I wanted to share it with you.

I learned that SO MANY PEOPLE have lost babies! SO MANY!!! In the amazing amount of comments, texts, and private messages I received, there was a shocking amount of stories in there, where many of you recounted your previous losses and sorrows. My heart ached with every story, because I’ve been there. I am there. Guys, SO MANY PEOPLE have been there!! No one’s story is the same, and no one’s pain is the same, but the common goal was. In no way am I saying that everyone should be public about their personal struggles, I promise I’m not saying that! But talking about my family’s loss in a public forum was very therapeutic for me. It makes it all feel a bit more normal, and like we can now talk about Theo more easily in our daily life. And best of all, I feel far more normal knowing that I’m not the only one out there who last lost a baby. I knew this, obviously, but to hear it from others made a difference for me.

Conveniently, today is Bell’s “Let’s Talk” day. Now, to be fair, I don’t use Bell, but I understand that it claims to put a small amount of money towards mental health initiatives for every single text sent, call places, tweet posted, etc. I know this isn’t necessarily what they were thinking, but I am FULLY on board with the idea. WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT HARD THINGS! Not always publicly at all, but we know I’m not the most private person 😉 But people need to be able to talk to someone. Please, talk about your loss with someone. Me, even! You can talk to me! Or don’t, lol, thats ok too! I don’t want to sound corny or cliche, but there is just is really no need to suffer in silence, or feel shame, or anything like that. YOU do what YOU need to do to grieve. In the case of losing babies, make sure your spouse/partner is doing what they need to do to mourn their loss as well. I can say that Brady is just as sad and grief stricken as I am, because it was very much his baby as well.

Whatever. I’m not trying to start some big thing, and I fear that I’m going to say something wrong and get ripped apart on it, so I’m going to stop. I just encourage you to step back and look at your stuff. In this case, in my case, its the loss of our boy. I want to step back and make sure I’m dealing on it. Not just forgetting him, and not just waiting for they physical signs of loss to be over, but really addressing what happened. For me, a big part of that was writing it out. For you, maybe its going for a walk and praying. Maybe its coming over for coffee and chatting with me about it, or going to someone else for coffee and talking about it. Maybe its writing it in a journal. Maybe its planting a flower specifically for that baby in spring. Maybe its having another big cry about it with your family. Whatever you do, don’t bury it. It’ll hurt so much worse later. At least thats what I think.

I’m just babbling now, half pep talking myself, to be honest. Its been a strange day for me, feeling so relieved after writing yesterday’s post, but physically feeling our loss more than I have yet. I feel positive and hopeful, but my body aches and pains are worse than usual. Its a weird day, and I’m sure there are a lot more to come. There is still a lot to process.

I hope today finds you well. And to the huge amount of people who got in touch one way or another yesterday, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to us!! Every one of you made an impact by showing us love and compassion and even just interest in our life! Thank you thank you thank you for all of your amazing support!!

I apologize for the past week. It has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. And I thought being so sick for so long was where I would max out. Turn out, this girl can take quite a bit more.

Christmas was a hard time, but we secretly had a bright spot. I posted this picture to Instagram, saying I felt like a human finally, and it was good to feel put together for the first time in a long time.

Many of you were SO generous and complimentary and encouraging, and it made me feel great. I also felt great because it was one of my first times being out of baggy shirts and sweats, and I was elated to see this:

Baby five was visible. I was surprised and excited and apprehensive that people would notice! It was still so early, much earlier than I have ever showed before! It made his presence feel so much more real.

I was about eight weeks along at that point.

As dates would tell us, that is right around the time that he died.

We went on the next few weeks, combatting things after thing, sickness after headache, and making jokes about how it was kind of convenient just how sick we were, because it was making the weeks leading up to our ultrasound go by so quickly. I had first trimester jitters, like most people do, but I could easily write them off. I had no sickness, but I didn’t with Dekker either, so I couldn’t complain. Can you imagine if I were folded over a toilet, barfing, on top of everything else we were battling?? I was SO thankful for the lack of symptoms. My single hangup was that I couldn’t feel a bump. Around ten weeks, I can usually feel a good grapefruit sized bump where my uterus is. And this time, I couldn’t. But as everyone will tell you, most women don’t find their uterus until 14 -ish weeks. So I told myself “every pregnancy is different” and went ahead with my day, determined not to read too far into things.

And then, at 11 weeks, we had a very quiet ultrasound. No one spoke, but our tech didn’t have to. Our little baby had no heartbeat, and was noticeably undersized. She went and made some calls, but my doctor wasn’t in the office that day. Would I see another doctor? No, I would not. We went home. Brady and I pulled over halfway home and wept together. It was unbelievable. We never thought this would be us.

I spent the evening taking calls from a resident, and also from my doctor, encouraging me that we did nothing wrong, and it wasn’t our fault. The differences were immense between the calls. The resident spoke quickly and professionally, though she was polite and understanding. But she spoke of our “ball of tissue” and our “abortion.” I know those are the appropriate terms in our case, but I found them to be quite devastating. My doctor, on the other hand, talked about our baby, and how sad it was to experience a miscarriage. This tricky thing was that our baby stopped growing right around eight weeks, and I was now eleven weeks into the pregnancy. Our baby’s little body had been waiting in there for three whole weeks. I had options, and  I had some time to decide, which was nice. We made an appointment to see Dr. Guselle two days later, on Wednesday.

It was good to go. I cried, and she answered lots and lots of questions. There are so few people who can leave me feeling at ease the way she can. While I was terribly discouraged leaving her office, I was also strangely encouraged about what the future holds, and what we are in fact capable of. I also felt fairly prepared for the days to come.

Friday, we went for another ultrasound. I wanted to be 100% certain that our baby was no longer growing, so I would never have to wonder down the road. Indeed, he was even measuring one day smaller, as a person would expect. I cried. Our tech asked me if I wanted a picture. I cried some more and said I did.

Here he was.

Just a little baby, but undeniably there, and undeniably perfect.

Now knowing with confidence that baby had died, I spent the weekend trying to “lose” the baby. It was horrendous on my heart. Psychologically, I couldn’t fathom taking measures to end a pregnancy that we wanted so badly. But I had this insane peace that I never expected to have. I know there was a group of you who had inquired with us, and were praying hard for our family in this time, and it made an enormous difference. I came to terms with the fact that I truly believe that my baby boy was already up with Jesus, and SO many other little babies. All I had left of his was his body. Which is SUCH a precious part of him, don’t get me wrong, but its the worldly part. His soul is already being very well cared for up in heaven. God loves his even more than I do, which seems impossible, but I believe it to be true.

Physically, the worst is over now. My heart still breaks, and I’ve cried more through writing this out than I thought I would, if I’m being honest. I adore that little boy SO MUCH, and I’m so sad that he can’t be here with his siblings and his parents who have been anticipating him. But as I’ve felt from God since the day we found out he had passed away, it is better that he is with God in heaven than with us on earth.

I have been so excited about writing a post announcing our pregnancy, and I feel like this is sort of taking the place of that. I’m very very sad its gone this way, but I have a very real desire to share his short little life with those who I know would be excited to hear about him and to have met him. Its not an attention grab. Its a celebration of our little boy who we will one day meet in Heaven!!

So I thank you all, once again, for everything you have put into us over this last week specifically. The flowers, meals, coffees, treats, gifts, and the many apologies offered, time spent, tears shed, and comforting words/stories/scriptures shared. I speak for Brady and I both when I say I’m not sure how we would have done this week without all of you. We are still grieving the life of who we believed to be our fourth little boy, and we will likely be sad for a long time, but we are peaceful about the situation at hand, and hopeful for the future. Please continue to pray, and feel free to bring this up to us. Its ok to ask questions. We want to talk about him.

We sure miss you and love you, little man Theo. We can’t wait to meet you someday 💙

As our day wound up yesterday, we realized just how bad of a day Laela had been having. She had eaten nothing. Literally, not a bite of anything. But as everyone and their mother tells you, its more important that she drinks. She had done a tiny bit of that, but she had thrown up each time. I’m confident she took in absolutely nothing yesterday. No medicine, food, or drink. When it was time to put her to bed, I went to lift her up, and she started heaving. Brady made it over with the bucket, and she barfed over my shoulder, over and over. It was awful. TMI alert! It was dark dark brown and she had to work HARD for it, since she really had nothing in her little system to throw up.

I don’t usually panic and think “hospital,” but in this case, I did. Her barf smelled horrific, and it just kept happening. She was so weak. Instead of rushing to the hospital, though, I texted one of my amazing nurse friends and asked for advice. You’d think I was a first timer, because she had some really good advice that I hadn’t thought of yet! Of course, everything we needed, we didn’t have, and the drugstore closes fairly early on Sundays, as it should, so I sent Brady off to a nearby town to get the medication and supplies we needed. I put the boys to bed, and Laela and I sat up and snuggled while watching some Netflix together. She kept asking to go to bed, which I LOVED, but I told her why we needed her to stay awake, and she complied.

She cooperated well when with her medication, and went to bed. We put a monitor in her room and explained to her that she could call to us anytime and we’d come be with her. However, she didn’t call on us. She was totally silent almost all night. I heard her cough a little bit at one point when Solly was up, but I watched on the monitor and she didn’t even move, so I didn’t go in. Just hoped she hadn’t thrown up. But I didn’t want to risk waking her up and rustling everything around, turning on lights just to see that she had coughed. So I left her be.

And it was the right move! When I went to her room, she was sitting up in bed. I asked her how she was, to which she replied “healthy!” There was no vomit anywhere, and she was complaining that she had run out of water in her bottle. I asked her if she wanted breakfast, and she said she did!

From there, I only have positives to share 🙂 She ate a very small bowl of milk and Cheerios, as well as an apple sauce cup for breakfast. Unfortunately she didn’t go for the pedialyte at all, but now that she can stomach some food, water works! I kind of love that she doesn’t like juice 😉 After she ate, instead of plunking down on the couch and snuggling in for a sick day, she went to the toys and sat on the floor to play. It was pretty slow, toned down play, but she was singing along to toys and offering things to the boys.

The boys!! They’re in really good shape today 🙂 Dekker has a runny nose but seems to be in great spirits. Rowan is happy go lucky. And Solly is ADORABLE, while teething pretty solidly. So no one is 100%, but they boys are doing very well!

Laela asked for crackers for lunch, and a fruit bar. She was very sad when I told her she would need a nap today, but she cried for a very short period of time, and then accepted it. She knows what she needs, I think. So she kept down two meals (small ones, but still), bathrooms functions are up and running once again, and she’s having a sleep! Its a good day!

I feel optimistic. This week is still big and yucky and difficult for our family. Part of it aren’t getting any easier, and it won’t really change. But Laela being so much better today helps my apprehension go down.

WE CAN DO HARD THINGS, THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES US STRENGTH!!

The kids being sick has momentarily overshadowed the rest of our life struggles. Momentarily. In the shape they’re in, we didn’t feel it would be appropriate at all to pass them off today, so we didn’t. Rather, we’ve had a quiet, sick day, filled with tv shows and water bottles and dim lighting.

Laela woke up in a puddle of vomit, shivering. We cleaned her up and threw her entire bed worth of bedding into the laundry. She declined breakfast and lay in the living room, but after a while, said she was hungry. She sat at the table, and hadn’t even taken a bite before she barfed all over her lap and hands. Brady grabbed a bowl and I sat beside her while she heaved and heaved and barfed some more. Another jammie change and back to the living room.

Dekker is feeling somewhat better today, which is great! He’s somewhat upbeat and energetic. Still no appetite, and he has a runny nose and a cough, but he hasn’t fevered yet today, so I’m calling it progress.

Rowan is still feverish and tired, but he hasn’t barfed yet, so again, I’m going to say he’s doing ok.

And Solly is winning. The worst he’s going through right now is teething. As Brady says, he’s practically chewing his own arms off, so we’re trying to help with him that, but his best and most effective teething aid is always sleep. Beyond teething, he’s happy and smiling. Trying SO HARD to crawl, which is a bit mind boggling for us, since none of our older kids have ever tried to be mobile so early! He’s nuts, but he’s happy, so we’ll take it.

Brady and I are ok. We’ve got some stuff, and we’re feeling quite downtrodden and discouraged. Still very much loving the backup and offers to help. I’m not sure what we’d do without you guys!! You all know who you are 😉 Thanks for listening and caring.

Two down for naps, and one to go! Then the quiet will get even quieter, and hopefully healing will come.