I admitted on her a while ago that while I work HARD to find positives amongst hardship, I’ve had a really hard time picking out positives from this year. Improvements. Gains. Successes. I don’t want my last post of the year to just be mournful, but I tried many times in the past week or so to jot down some good things to reminisce about and I just can’t find enough to fill a post. So, rather, I’m going to skim my pictures from the last year and see what happened each month. Some will be happier than others, but it’ll be an accurate breakdown of how the year looked for us! Hopefully a more concise way to reminisce, rather than just blubbering about loss and grief. There is nothing wrong with some of that, but if you’ve been around for a while, you know I’ve done more than my share of it. So, let’s just see how this goes.
January.
So January was a tough kick off to 2017. We lost our baby, Theo. We found out halfway through the month at our 12 week scan. It was my first true experience with deep, deep grief. I had never known such a feeling, and it shook me deep. I hid out for a long time after that, but our loving friends and family understood and stood by us.
I had a ridiculous pregnancy announcement in the making, too 🙂 I thought it was hilarious, and the Bradymoji (see what I did there?) was vastly inaccurate, but it was the closest I could get!
Looking through the pictures, I can see one other big difference in our family in January 2017. We hadn’t figured out the issue with Rowan’s mouth yet!! If you’ve seen him recently, in pictures or in person, you can see the HUGE difference!!
Isn’t that crazy?! I’ll touch more on it as I go through the rest of the year, but its just an unmistakeable difference! I hope you guys can see it too.
February.
The second month brought us a little further from our loss, where it wasn’t as “new” or as raw, but still hurt my heart each day. There were triggers everywhere, and I grieved hard through the month.
Brady also bought me an iPad this month! It wasn’t to make up for the baby or anything, it just timed out that way. It was a good motivator for me to step up my game and be helpful with his business.
The day before our anniversary, we went to see Marianas Trench in concert. I almost bailed on it completely, but I’m so glad we went 🙂 We had front row seats, and it was an incredible show!
We celebrated our anniversary on the 7th and Valentines Day on the 14th. Nothing too crazy.
Eight years, baby <3
About halfway through February, I discovered that Rowan’s teeth didn’t touch, and that his funny “cartoon” mouth only existed because he was chewing blankets all night long.
So February was the month that we had to take all of Rowan’s snuggly bedtime stuff away 🙁 It was awful. He screamed and screamed for the first few days. No pillow, blanket, or stuffed toy. We felt like horrible parents. It was tough.
Ro survived our mean parenting choice, and turned two on the 23rd. I can’t tell you why, but the picture I wanted to post refuses to load! Still, the day happened 🙂 And Ro aged, even though I specifically asked him not to!
** You should all thank me, because I spared you ALL the pictures we have of vomit spread out throughout the house. My. Gosh. It was a barfy month. You’re welcome.
March.
It was not the most eventful month, but right off in the beginning of it, there was a MARKED difference in Rowan’s mouth and face structure!! Crazy, right??
A whole new face, seriously!! His teeth still didn’t meet at this point, but they were WAY closer. Progress!
The biggest thing we did in March was our Calgary trip! It was the first road trip we took in our big bus and it was truly awesome 🙂
It was a special family trip, just for us, to get away from what our life had been, and to have some lighthearted times together.
April.
Rowan continued to noticeably improve through April.
Jerilee and I went on our annual shopping trip to Edmonton, and Brady had his annual weekend alone with the kids!
While I was away, Brady took the kids to and from Home Depot every single day, and build me this beautiful makeup lighting system!! Its not nearly as yellow as it looks, fyi 🙂 They were a huge game changer for makeup “business.”
Beyond that, pregnancy was very much on my mind, and my arms ached to hold the bay I lost in January. These became my screensavers and backgrounds for everything.
May.
This month was quite a bit fuller than the last few. We built our deck, from start to finish, in May! It was a big job, and lots of people came and helped us when they had free time, which was HUGE! We loved the beautiful outcome.
The next notable event in May was Mother’s Day. I really enjoyed Mother’s Day. Brady took the kids and I to Cora’s for breakfast, where the kids were entertained by the balloon man, we ate delicious food, were complimented countless times on our kids great behaviour, and then were surprised to find someone had paid for our meal <3 I cried. It was so great.
A little bit after the fact, I took my mom out for Mother’s day. We painted pottery and ate at Red Lobster. It was also awesome <3
Shortly after Mother’s Day, I found out I was, once again, pregnant with our little Jamin.
That was a good motivator to finally get Solly into his own room, so we did! We moved the three older kids together, and made Solly’s space comfy for him.
(I realized Rowan has a pillow in this picture. I don’t know what to tell you :/ I must’ve put it in there just for the sake of the picture??)
The very last day of May, Solly turned one year old 🙂 He had a cake pop and some balloons, and was well loved.
It was a good month.
June.
The first fun thing that happened in June was that Carrie got our name in to perform some music at a car show over our town celebration weekend! She, Brady, and I put in tons of work ahead of time, and I think we pulled it together pretty well 🙂 And had a TOTAL blast.
I also spent more time stepping up my makeup gave this month, and I booked two graduation makeup gigs! They were both intimidating and exciting.
We also took our first trip (of many) to Waskesiu with the kids. The goal was to familiarize them with the surroundings so they could settle in easily when we went for our summer vacation there. They acclimated easily, and LOVED it!
Dekker had his LAST day of kindergarten! What a milestone 🙂 What a big time of life for him! He grew so much <3
We wrapped the month of June up by going to a “Walk off the Earth” show at Jazz Fest. It was unreal. If you ever have the opportunity to see them live, do it. It was truly unlike anything I had ever seen before, and so so enjoyable. It helped to have awesome friends with us 🙂
A fabulous end to June 🙂
July.
We went to Waskesiu again.
I started to look pregnant…
And had a really promising ultrasound, with a heartbeat and a wiggly baby!
I turned 29 at the end of the month, and we prepared for our family vacation in early August.
August.
This was obviously a tricky month. But in the beginning, we had no idea it would be that way. So the month began in Waskesiu, for our family trip.
We all truly enjoyed our time away. We were at the lake over Theo’s due date, and it was gloomy, which seemed fitting. Still beautiful, though.
It felt like a time of healing and peacefulness, which was greatly needed. Prayers were answered.
About a week after returning home, we found out our Jamin had passed away. I was 16.5 weeks along. I went from a high to a deep low very quickly. Thus began some of the worst days of my life.
We said hello and goodbye to our beautiful little boy the day after we found he had passed. It was unlike anything I have every gone through. I won’t go further into it. You all know how I felt, and how I continue to feel.
I have never received so many flowers.
Meals were brought, treats were brought, jobs were done, and children were babysat.
Days after I delivered Jamin, Dekker turned 6. My mom made a party for him, because I couldn’t. He told us over and over that it was the best day of his life <3
I have no pictures to prove it, but Jerilee brought him gifts and cake and decorations the very next day for party #2. My children were SO well cared for.
We went to Waskesiu again, to clear our heads and let the kids run. It was necessary for all of us.
I grieved hard there. Lots of tears, lots of wind and waves, lots of sensitive children processing as we limped through the day. We attempted a family picture, mostly to prove to myself that we were still together, somehow.
It was a very difficult end to the month. But we continued to move forward, as September kicked back into reality. I couldn’t lay in bed forever.
September.
I obviously don’t have much from September. Lots of bike rides, lots of playing on the deck, lots of hiding at home. Dekker started grade one, however, and Laela started preschool.
That was the beginning of September, and Laela celebrated her fourth birthday at the end of September 🙂 We played at the playground and went to McDonalds for ice cream in the evening. Again, low key, but necessary, and she was perfectly happy with it.
It was a very hard month to get through, but I can look back at it and see that, if we hadn’t needed to be busy and start into the routine of school, I never would’ve gotten out of bed. I hated the busyness, but I needed the busyness. God knew.
October.
October was also a bit of a tricky month for me. It was hard to be thankful on thanksgiving :/ But the kids were beautiful and lovies and distracting.
Maybe a week or so later, a friend recruited me for a photoshoot turned project about overcoming hard things, and my journey through loss. It was surprisingly therapeutic. I loved it. It turned out beautifully!
Brady’s birthday was on the 14th, and I had long ago booked us a night away! So we had a lovely hotel and went to a movie 🙂 It was such a treat to be away together.
My heart was very griefy through October as we tried to conceive again. It had been almost a year since we conceived Theo. A full year of being pregnant (on and off, anyway) with no baby to show for it.
And then it happened. We did conceive. I found out right before the end of the month. It was terrifying and thrilling and ALL of the emotions rolled into one.
Halloween wrapped the month up, and the kids were terribly cute.
Being cute is not uncommon in their cases, but still seems worth mentioning 😉
November.
I only have videos, so I can’t post photographic evidence, but Solly started walking in November! FINALLY! Only took 17 months, haha! But that was the other boys too. Not shocking.
We took a quick trip to see my sister and her husband and help them with some house stuff. Our kids enjoyed the hotel and eating supper picnic style.
We got snow in November, and unlike usual, it came and it stuck.
We were all overjoyed. Can’t you tell by my presence in this picture? Oh, I’m not in it? Yup, thats how happy I was about the snow, and how happy I continue to be about it.
It did motivate us to start decorating for Christmas, though!
November also held our first ultrasounds, where we learned that our baby was, in fact, alive. Very little comfort came in those ultrasounds, but I was determined to believe it.
December.
This has been a very challenging closer month this year. Its been busy with planning and prepping, nausea and dizziness, grieving and reflecting. Both older kids participated in their Christmas concerts, but I can’t share pictures without sharing other people’s kids faces :/ So sadly, no dice there. But they were cute and did great!
We had a couple of ultrasounds this month as well, where we gained small shreds of reassurance along the way. Our baby is growing exactly as it should thus far.
And the biggest milestone from December is that we survived. We made it. It wasn’t pretty, but Christmas has come and gone, 2017 is almost over, and 2018 is on its way. We made it. Barely.
I love my family, and while its been hard to see past my own grief and struggles, it was good to go through the year this way and see what else the year entailed. I think it was important, and I’m glad I did it. Though this is a brutally long post and almost crashed my laptop more than once. Thank you, everyone who has stuck with us through the year. I know we’re a lot to take sometimes, but I like to think that, if you know us at all, you know this was not a year we were set up to be able to handle gracefully. Thank you for your love and understanding and concern. You have my love right back.
Stay safe this New Years Eve, and hold your loved ones tight. Wrap it up well!!