Sorry in advance for the haphazard post about unrelated things, but at least all of the updates are from today! Does that count for anything? Hope so!

Brady had to work this morning. He didn’t have TONS to do, because he’s going to work Monday, but he went in today just for the morning in an effort to make absolute sure that Monday wouldn’t turn into a 12+ hour work day. The most exciting thing Brady has been working on is assembling our island top! I was very adamant that we have butcher block, but our island being 7′ long makes that complicated, since all prefabbed slabs are 6′. That left us buying two 6′ slabs and cutting them up, and reassembling them. This makes them run the less common way, vertical along the counter rather than horizontal. But he’s been working hard at getting everything smoothed out and glued well and I have to say, the slab is gorgeous. I’m SO excited for it to be my island!!

Brady came home shortly before noon, bearing coffee, breakfast sandwiches, and hash browns for us. It was a delicious lunch! I got ready pretty quickly after that and headed out around 1:30 for my hair appointment at 2:00. I had one little touch up in between (just getting the side re-shaved) but otherwise, I haven’t hd the color redone since before Christmas!!! That is a LONG time for me, but the shaved part being brown makes my roots look a lot more reasonable, aaaaalmost intentional. But I was very excited to get it redone today. Since my natural color is so dark, it always takes a solid 2+ hours to get it all white blonde like I like, which means a nice stretch of away time, chatting with my hairstylist, getting pampered, and just not being “on” constantly. This time around, I didn’t make any major changes (Major Changes *salutes* Anyone? Anyone?!) I got the blonde redone, the side re-shaved, and the long hair was shaped and helped a little, but really, very little changed. I am loving the long side with the completely shaved side, so we’re going to keep rolling with it. At the end, when Carlinna styled it, I mentioned that I sometimes braid the front, and I hope to figure out a braid in the back eventually. She, of course, offered to braid the back, and it was probably 2.5 minutes later, she had put in a beautiful french braid. I wish I could always have it!!

When I got home, Rowan was in a bit of a state. He had napped most of the time I was away, and had been fairly out of sorts since he had woken up, which is not normally the case with him. Brady said he was trying to cuddle him, but Ro would struggle to get down and then burst out crying the moment he was down. We’ve all been there :/ Its not an uncommon baby thing. But I scooped him up into the big recliner with me and he just morphed around my belly, tucked his fist under my boobs, and was still and silent. It was adorable. It felt good to be needed. After a nice ten or fifteen minute snuggle, he was off and happy to play.

Brady and I are both feeling decently wiped at this point, however. Our bodies know our Saturdays are usually different that this one, so we’re a bit sleepy. Looking forward to some lazy hours after the kids hit the sack. T-30 until bedtime routine begins!!

I’ll admit that I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. After a bit of a difficult day yesterday with the build, today has been almost as frustrating, and I have spent the better part of today feeling discouraged. What I CAN say is that today has been better than yesterday! I’ve completed a few things on my list, which I really had to psych myself up for, but it feels good to have accomplished at least a couple of small things. I made some calls, scheduled a few things, and I did several days worth of dishes. SO thankful we’ll have a dishwasher again at our new place! Besides my small but relevant accomplishments, the kids slept in nicely, and I can tell they’re working hard to behave, as I’m rocking my emotions on my sleeve :/ I appreciate my kids so much. They are incredibly sensitive.

That being said, I hid from the kids for a little while and called my mom. I had a bit of a rant to her, which she handled so very gracefully, supportively, and prayerfully. What a relief it is to have a friend in my mom <3 She never once told me to just buck up and blow past everything. She let me feel how I feel and encouraged me to take my feelings to God. She’s basically a rockstar.

I was then blessed again, by a friend. Right when I got off the phone with my mom, I had a Facebook message waiting for me that made me feel excited and uplifted. Even though it was not directly related to me at all, hearing positive things just made me feel lighter.

While I’m not feeling 100% awesome today, I’m working hard to see the good in the day. It is Friday, after all! And tomorrow, I get to disappear for a couple of hours and get my hair redone! So I can look all fresh and new for when the baby comes. Because that is SOOOOON!!!!!

As the title suggests, it wasn’t our best day of news with our house. Brady DID have a great day working there. It DOES look fabulous inside. There IS still lots of progress. I AM still very happy we’re building a house. There is still lots and lots of good 🙂 Our kitchen sink came today, and its GORGEOUS!!! Exactly what I wanted and asked for. We discovered a miscommunication we had that can easily be fixed, which always feels wonderful! I was able to go pick up some drawer fronts in an effort to save on some delivery charges. I got an iced capp. I say again, there is lots of good on the build today.

We found out a few bummers along the way, though. Lots of our cabinet stuff still isn’t ready, and Brady was supposed to be done cabinets by tomorrow :/ Somehow, our information got lost in the shuffle (it has to happen sometimes, just sucks when its you) and no one had assembled our drawers for our vanities. We’re also missing a front or two, and all of the hardware. Its a bummer. Also, we discovered today just how much damage has been done to our railings already, and they cannot be stained or repaired too much, being that they’re already completely installed and surrounded by all forms of flooring, and lightly painted walls. Only so much can be done to repair those. And our garage pad. Sigh. I’m SO disappointed about that. In an effort to have the ground be as settled as possible, they plan was to pour it later on in the build. However, there is now even a chance we won’t have it before we move in, and once it is poured, whenever that is, we won’t be able to park in it for a month. A MONTH! I’m sooo disappointed about that 🙁 There were a few other things that felt like monstrous hits today, and at least speaking for myself, I feel a little bit discouraged. BUT!, not every day can be 100% happy, or awesome. Some days are just ho-hum. And really, today was NOT ho-hum AT ALL! I spent the afternoon at my moms with the kids! We ate delicious food and visited like we’ve been apart for weeks. Probably because we have been!! We talked about recent shops, baby stuff, pregnant stuff, doctor stuff, house stuff, trips, summer ideas, upcoming events, etc. My mom and I just gabbed and gabbed. We played with the kids and she read to them and snuggled with them and they all really got their fill of each other 🙂 After lunch, the kids were tuckered out and zoned a bit in front of some tv, and then we could really get a good chat in!

At the end of Brady’s work day, he came over and mom made an AMAZING supper, of which I ate THREE large helpings. Don’t judge me. It was that good. The kids ate pretty well too, and we all had a really nice time together. It was SO nice to all be back in each others company.

Our last thing we did together was go tour the house. Minus installing a few pieces of hardware that we are short, Brady has finished his second stage of finishing, lol! Doesn’t make a ton of sense, but his “finishing carpentry” stage of the build is now done. Tomorrow he’ll hopefully finish up cabinets and vanities, if the drawers are ready. We’ll still be short that one missing front, but you work with what you’ve got, right? Maybe he’ll even get our island top installed tomorrow?? That would be SO exciting!

The place really looks awesome, though. We had a LOVELY day, and the kids stayed awake the whole drive home, so they’re very ready for bed. It sometimes makes for a sadder bedtime but then they fall asleep nice and fast, which is good. Its hard to stop playing when the day has been sooo dang good. I’m happy everyone is happy 🙂

But tonight calls for a bath and snacks for Brady and I, then some “Good Wife” and then to bed! So ready for all of the above mentioned things.

The kids and I spent the afternoon at Kims house, playing outside. They ate outside, played in the little lap pool, with the water table, in the sandbox, with the hose, with the toys, in the grass, etc etc etc. My kids had a riot, and were SOOO dirty by the end, hahaha! Dekker was probably the cleanest as usual, but Rowan was soak, his socks were FILTHY, and Laela was definitely the dirtiest, her legs covered in sand and purple freezie, her baby pink hat now grey. Worth it tho. Everyone got lots of sun and really seemed happy. All of our kids played well together, no scrapping or struggling. It was a big success. Kims youngest slept through most of it, but the rest of us enjoyed the outdoors today.

Around 4:00pm, Brady was done working for the day, and since he was working nearby at our house, he came over to help me load up the kids, just because he’s nice. Dekker had an absolute throw down, he was so sad to leave. Laela was very accepting, and did as she was told, which was nice. And Rowan was just happy to see daddy and unaware of pretty much everything else.

I expected everyone to crash on the drive home and sleep the short 20 minutes, but only Rowan slept, and it took a little while to get him there. So unfortunately, my kids were TRASHED once they got home. We put on a show so they could zone and rest a little bit, but I bailed for the evening, as Kim and I had some prearranged plans for a supper out and a quick little shop for a few camping things for her.

Brady texted shortly after I left about the debacle that was bathing the angry kids, and what a disaster his evening was. (For the record, he wasn’t trying to guilt me or anything, we just try to find humor in our kids sometimes) But I could reassure him that Kim and I were having a bit of a debacle ourselves, as her youngest son had come along with us and despite his 2.5 hour nap, was incredibly unhappy and would NOT have it. Any of it! We ended up getting our food packed up and took it to go. He finally gave into sleep in the stroller and we managed to limp through our shop with him waking and sleeping on and off. And I do mean limp. I was in a bit of a lame state of things right along with Ellijah. It was kind of a funny, messy, haphazard evening, but it worked, and we got what we needed to. I bought some nice tank tops and Kim got what she came for as well, snagging some groceries and a new Starbucks mug.

It didn’t last too long, however, and Kim is already on her way home. I’m home as well, and Brady has run a tub for me to soak in, so I’m going to go focus on THAT for a bit. Can’t wait! After such a good, but VERY busy day, I am ready to rest and call it an evening. I promise to show you pictures of Bradys work on our house very very soon! Tomorrow, second stage of finishing should be DONE!

I know Lowes isn’t new in the city, but it is compared to our usual Rona, J&H, and Home Depot. When our family first discovered that our build was in fact POSSIBLE this year, we began filling our evenings and weekends with slow walks through these kinds of stores, and that was probably the first time I ever set foot into Lowes. I found that they were comparable in a lot of ways, pretty severely lacking in others, but they had some WONDERFUL products that we couldn’t find anywhere else comparable.

We found a couple of things at Lowes right off the hop that I knew we could not compromise on, because I loved them way too much. We got our kitchen sink from Lowes, if you remember from waaay back in the posts. At least I think I shared it! Its a HUGE white coasted cast iron sink. Its Kohler, and only $300. I didn’t even ask if it put us over our kitchen budget. I didn’t care. It was SUCH a beautiful sink!

We also ordered our countertops from Lowes. It was kind of amazing actually. We went into the countertop place that our builder uses as their standard, and we knew it would cost more than a hardware store countertop, of course, but we figured we’d give it a go and just see how the prices compared. I picked my absolute favorite top off of the wall and the salesman laughed and said that was practically his cheapest top. (This is why we ended up buying from a hardware store. I don’t have expensive tastes for countertops.) When the quote came in, however, it was WAY over our budget! And that was even excluding the island top!!! So we politely said we’d let them know and bought the lovely medium grey standard laminate tops from Lowes. We paid a fraction of the cost that way.

The last thing we chose from Lowes was tub/shower doors. Rather than hanging a shower curtain, Brady expressed that he would really like to have shower doors in the main bathroom instead. Since I feel like almost every little detail has been chosen by me, I was quite determined that Brady should get his shower doors. He also wanted three panels instead of two, for the sake of bathing our kids in the tub and having it more open. I did a lot of looking online and myyy goodness, those doors are EXPENSIVE!! And most of them are only two panels. But I am pleased to have found a three panel shower door with raindrop detail for a VERY reasonable price! What fun surprises all of these purchases were!

I have to say, though, we have gotten the SERIOUS run around actually receiving these products.

The sink is up to the plumber so I’m sure (hoping) he’s on top of that. The shower doors we ordered last week, and we were informed they would be shipped by Same Day Worldwide shipping. Its a deceiving name, really, since they’re not going to be here for at least another week. *eye roll* Ideally Brady would install them before Friday, but I guess another day will have to do. It won’t really affect anyone else, but he’s working on his second stage finishing tomorrow through Friday, and he will be installed all of our bathroom hardware anyway. But oh well. Shower doors will just come later I suppose.

We ordered our countertops a while back already, and they were supposed to arrive on May 10th. It is now the 17th and we have gone through a decent amount of annoyance trying to actually get them into our hands. We FINALLY got the call last night that they were in store, so Brady and I set up the plan for today. He’ll also be finishing up cabinets this week, and doing countertops, so it all needs to be there this week. We decided, since Brady only had Daytona work this afternoon, that after breakfast today, we’d each take a van, drive to Lowes (me with the kids, he in his work van), pick up the tops, drive them out to our house, and haul them in while getting a good look at the house as well and showing my mom around it. She hasn’t even seen it painted in person yet!!

OVER AN HOUR at Lowes!!! Not only did Brady have to explain who he was and what he was picking up again, but they then said they had to go pick the order. When they brought it out to us, it was all damaged and messed up 🙁 The main part of the order was two 10′ chunks of countertop. They had ordered three, and THANK GOODNESS for that, because one was split right down the middle, and one was missing a hunk of the backsplash. We’re actually trimming one down, so the loss of the backsplash corner isn’t a big deal. Thank goodness one was in good shape all around and we could use it. They agreed to take a percentage off of the broken one that we accepted, and on their own, took that same percentage off of the one that was still in good shape, just as a good will gesture, which we appreciated. It was quite a long mess getting everything sorted out, but we did not stick around to stay annoyed. Once Bradys van was loaded, we bailed.

We had a couple of other plans fall by the wayside because of how long Lowes took, which is too bad, but stuff happens. We got our countertops, they will work well, and we got to tour around our house! The carpet guys were working in there, but had no problem with us being around. However, there were open tack strips everywhere, so we carried the kids through to save their toes. Now that the flooring is basically done, our house is officially a “no shoes” house, which we really appreciate! Brady has seen muddy footprints through new builds, caking up the new carpets, and UGH! That would just make me sick to see in my own house. So we carried the kids through, and my mom also came along to see how it all looked. Because we carried everyone, we didn’t take pictures, but I promise, I’ll ask Brady to take some tomorrow. It all looks AMAZING! I was worried that the dark grey tile, grey laminate, and grey carpet would looks suuuper monochromatic, but it really doesn’t. It looks classy and finished and beautiful. Eek! Seriously, I want ALL of you guys reading and caring about our house to come to a house warming party so you can see the place in person!

I digress. I was VERY frustrated at Lowes earlier today, and I still think a lot of that hassle could have been avoided, but I do love what we ended up with, and I’m VERY excited to see it all installed!!! We are so very fortunate to be able to do what we’re doing, and to build our dream home! I truly can’t wait to show it off to each and every one of you who wants to see it!

I went in for a prenatal today, as I’m doing weekly at this point, and it was strange, once again! This is my first pregnancy with this particular clinic, so some things are done differently. That, and being seen my a student doctor while just overseen by my doctor, things really feel different. I’m getting pretty late in the game here, and I’m finding it hard to come to terms with. Everyone I’ve encountered has been lovely, I have no big issue with anyone, its just been very different. I feel slightly “un-doctored,” if I can be so bold, but I think my doctor has been VERY engaged and hands on in the past, so this is a big change. I’m trying very hard after todays appointment to worry about nothing, to not be anxious, and to roll with it.

What surprised me right off the hop is that my student doctor brought a med student in with her. Now I have zero issue with people learning, and I’m ok to be part of that. Sure, of course she can take my blood pressure, find baby’s heartbeat, measure me, etc. But isn’t my student doctor learning?? I don’t know, it sort of took me aback. Luckily, all of those things turned out just fine. Baby boy has never been especially cooperative for a doppler, but it just took some digging. I knew he was fine the entire time, as he is a big mover. No harm, no foul there.

Now I don’t want to be gross, so sorry if this crosses a line, but this weekend, I’m pretty confident that I lost my mucus plug. I know, it sounds awful. I don’t recommend googling it. Its just a nasty gooby thing that falls out sometimes if your cervix starts to open/ripen/whatever else. With some people, it means labour is RIGHT around the corner. With others, they lose theirs really early, and it kind of fills back in. Lots of people lose and regenerate their mucus plugs multiple times. The difference with me is that I’ve never knowingly lost mine. I always just lose it in delivery. Not everyone noticeably loses theirs, and I am one of those people who never has. So to me, this counted for something. Because I don’t feel labour, it really made me nervous when I first realized it was happening. But my student doctor, like most every other appointment, kind of blew past it and said “So you had a little discharge?” No, dude, this was NOT a little bit of discharge. I know enough to know what that was. She just tends to downplay a lot of things. Everything I’ve been feeling is wrapped up in “Well, it iiiiis your fourth baby…” Yes. I know it is. Things can still happen when its your fourth baby. Experienced mothers still appreciate reassurance.

I digress. It was an ok appointment regardless. We picked an induction date, knowing obviously there would be wiggle room, because people can get bumped multiple times, but we have a kick off point anyway. We know where to start making plans and who to notify about what when. We know which form of induction we’ll be using. We know enough. I feel slightly more “planned” than I did before, I think.

After our appointment, we picked up supper and headed home. Now, I’m sleepy and ready for a soak. Soon and very soon!

I realized the other day that the last time I posted house pictures, it was showing that the stonework was up! This was obviously an exciting thing, but a lot has been done since then! 

The doors have been painted, along with the rest of the place.

Closets built and installed!

Railings are stained a really beautiful black color. Don’t worry, we’ll be getting rid of the little light colored nub.

And best of all!!!, Brady has installed all of the cabinets in our kitchen, vanities in the bathrooms, and a couple of extra units in our master suite closet. I’m not sure what I’ve neglected to show the cabinets in their entirety, but I like this picture 🙂 We are clearly feeling a tad protective of them!! If it helps at all, I haven’t even seen them all in person!

Today, we dropped by the house, to check out what was completed last week, and we saw all of the tiling is on and done!

These aren’t the most updated pictures, as we were a bit absent minded this morning when we went, but you get the gist 🙂 And look at that TUB!!! I’m already SOOOOO excited to soak in there………. sorry, I got lost daydreaming……..

We were also VERY excited to see all of our flooring dropped off and ready to go!

Isn’t is pretty?! I LOVE it!! So that and the carpet will be installed in the first couple of days this week 🙂 I’m SO looking forward to kicking my shoes off to walk through our house, and having it feel like a home rather than a construction zone! Yay!

It was nice to walk through and get a good feel for the house again. Brady will do his second stage of finishing on it this week, rehanging and adjusting doors, putting toe kick on cabinets, baseboards, etc. There is not too much left after this stage, to be honest. Its all a bit surreal that the build is finally coming to a close!!

We left the house and decided on a quick Walmart stop on our way home. We needed some groceries, and we also picked up a couple of nice things for me. The flats I wear pretty much every time I go out have definitely seen better days, so we picked up a new pair of flats with memory foam soles that are suuuper comfy. Also, without giving out too much personal information, I have some pretty leaky situations to deal with postpartum that leave me needing to sleep in some kind of bra for several months, which is NOT my favorite thing at all. So I picked up two nice tank tops that have soft bra cups in them. They’re also super duper tight, so they’ll make me feel better about myself and help me feel all held in. As much as all freshly delivered women looove jelly belly, we don’t actually at all.

So we saw our house in all of its glory, and then went shopping, from which I benefitted greatly. Big win! Now, I am wiped out and ready for bed, hahaha! Funny how fast I drain these days. I know it sounds absurd, but I am fully looking forward to the energy that I will get back when baby #4 comes, hahaha! Little boy, you are sure being anticipated, for so many reasons! I can’t wait to hold you in my arms!

A little while ago, I tried to prepare our room a little bit for baby boy. I want to feel like he has a cozy place to sleep when he comes home from the hospital, even though he will inevitably we welcomed with the mess that comes with moving. But I know what you’re all going to say. He won’t care, he won’t even know. He has a playpen, jammies, blankets, diapers, etc. He has everything he needs. But hopefully a handful of you will be able to understand that my mama heart hurts juuust a little bit that I can’t bring him into a soft, serene place, with fresh light colors and his cradle all fresh and ready for him. But this will work too 🙂

While I did set up our room a bit recently, I spent a chunk of this afternoon trying a little bit harder. Its still FAR from perfect. We went from having a nice sized walk in closet to having a smaller-than-average basic closet, so we also have clothing on a tall drying rack, as well as in boxes. Our room would look SO much nicer without those factors, but such is life. Today, I worked with the things I could control, and I tidied up my bedside table, and on top of my little dressers. My bedside table no longer holds clutter, but only Kleenex, some meds, and a cup of water. Some of my meds will switch out post baby. I’ll likely trade out my sleep aid for some Advil, and my reflux meds will swap out for stool softeners. *sigh* If we’re being honest, anyway. Thems the postpartum game! My little dressers used to have lots of papers and bags on them. Also, a good handful of bath products that I won’t get to use until we’re in our new house. So I hauled those downstairs and purged through the clutter, rehoming the stuff that needed keeping. Now, all I have up there is the baby keurig we have in preparation for baby boy to come home and need milk! Well, that, and some makeup I’m making for Laela 🙂

I’ve been meaning to make these for SO long and I’m so glad I finally just laid them out and started. Should only be a couple of days before she can play with them.

I moved a couple other things around in our room and I think it looks quite a bit more “ready.” Baby’s playpen is currently full, haha, but its full of stuff that will be eventually put into the hospital bag. All thats really left to go into there is chargers, ID/important papers, and clothes. Its hard to know what clothing to pack that I won’t touch for the next three-ish weeks, and the rest of the stuff has to wait! But I feel slightly like we’re getting closer?? Hahaha! Not super ready, but ready enough.

While I’ve been getting slightly more ready, Brady began assembling our island top today, as well as hauled away the vast majority of the boxes that came from our IKEA cabinet endeavour. We feel accomplished, if I can be so bold to speak for all of us. I think that means we can get away with doing NOTHING tonight. Win!

Ok, maaaybe we’ll venture out quickly for McFlurries. Don’t judge!

I really want to thank everyone for being SO supportive this last little while! We’ve been feeling like we’re going through the mill, and no one has made us feel like we’re just being pansies. You guys have really understood, and I thank you for that! I want to say that, with all of the annoying issues I’ve been having with the blog recently, some days, it WILL NOT allow me to reply to comments!! That being said, I see and read each one, and I want you all to know that I love and appreciate your compassion and offers to help. Jokes on you, I WIL be taking you up on those offers!

This bout of sickness has thrown some unexpected delays into our life, and there are things that just need to get done, plain and simple. And when we’re all completely well again and ready to have people through here, I have been compiling a big ugly list of things to do. There ARE jobs, and we NEED help.

I’m a bit torn up between two different organizational methods that I love. One is making the big beastly list of EVERYTHING that needs to get done, then scratching everything that doesn’t absolutely neeeeed to get done, and just doing all of the priorities. That is a good solid method. However, I also saw something online that isn’t really a method, but something I really really liked. It basically suggested making a list of all of those stupid annoying little jobs that drive you nuts every single time you look at them, and then just DOING THEM. For me, those things are scrubbing down the high chairs and dining chairs that are all super gummed up. Bleaching dish cloths. Stuff like that. I’d LOVE to bring those things to the new house all fresh and clean, and they’re not big jobs, but they’re also not priorities, and things do come before those things.

All of this being said, I have a big list of priorities, with some crazy-makers mixed in. And what I’m trying to say is, I’d love to not have to choose between them, and to get them all done. SO! If you’re offering to come do a job, I will have one for you!! Normally, I would VASTLY prefer to have people in my house to visit, and I still really feel better about that, but I am NOT above asking for help, and this is it! When we are better, I will be needing some help! Brady is on round 2 of sickness, and I really really hope that is where it stops this time around because we NEED to get stuff done! Eek!

Wish us luck! And when we’re all well, start avoiding phone calls and knocks on the door, because it might be me…..

Brady will head back to work tomorrow after a couple of days off where he’s really dug in with the kids to make it as easy for me as possible. I am SO thankful for my husband and the amount that he’s willing to do around here and at work. There isn’t a shred of “raising the kids is my wifes job” in him. I love co-parenting with him.

However, now that he’s heading back to work, he is sick again. And while I woke up feeling quite a bit better this morning, I was fading FAST by lunch. I tried to eat something energizing and do what I had to do, but I was feeling mightily weighed down. I went to lay down, for the sake of my belly needing to NOT crush my insides for a few minutes, and I fell asleep! For a decently long time! Whoops. What’ll I do without an afternoon nap tomorrow?? I’ve been SO blessed to be able to nap these last few days, because let me tell you, never before have I ever napped in the day! Not when I’ve just had a baby, not in the first trimester fatigue, not when I’m super duper sick, not when I was a teen and would pull all nighters with friends. I. Don’t. Nap. But these days, I can barely make it to noon. And now, my husband who is bypassing his own illness to help me is going back to his job, and here I am, whining about potentially not being able to nap??? Clearly not me being fair. I know this. I’ve just never felt so bent out of shape before! Such a weird time. I hope we all get better, and FAST! Thank goodness, there is only one day to think about and then we have another weekend to hopefully spend recuperating. One day, we’ll be humans again, but please remember to like us at least a little bit in our zombie state!